Mischief to Manage - chapter 22/Fun and Games begin
Harry marched to the DADA classroom with a mischievous smile on his face. Next to him, Draco glared at his cousin.
"You aren't planning anything, are ya Potter?"
"Calm down, Draco. I won't do anything… If he's competent."
"It's Gilderoy Lockhart. Of course he's competent! I swear if you lose us points on the first day…" The blond let his threat hang in the air.
"Okay, but if I actually manage to do something, it means he's not competent, right? I mean if he's so great when it comes to defense, surely a meager second-year student can't do anything to him?" Harry's grin went almost feral.
"Potter. We both know that you're a second-year in name only. I'm pretty sure you could've given fourth-years a run for their money."
"Nah. You're giving me too much credit." He smirked. "I'm just a poor little Harry." He gave the best impression of puppy eyes he could.
"That didn't work on that half-bre… Half-veela, so it won't work on me." Draco caught himself in time. He honestly didn't have anything against Fleur herself, but old habits die hard. Still, Sirius was very clear with the rules about prejudice.
"Whatever." Harry shrugged and sped up.
As he entered the room, he froze. The classroom looked… unnerving. There were at least three dozen Lockhart portraits of various sizes.
"Still think he's great?" The Asgardian deadpanned.
"I will withhold my judgment for now." Draco chose not to dig himself a grave either way.
They took seats in the back of the classroom. Harry went through some additional steps to set up a mild notice-me-not charm around himself so as to not be bothered. It was one of the most useful things for pranksters to know.
Slowly, the students filled in. Harry spotted Dudley entering with Crabbe and Goyle on his sides. It seemed that the monkeys found each other. Hermione walked in and took a seat in the front row.
Finally, it seemed that everyone has arrived.
Lockhart walked down the stairs from his office.
"Welcome, welcome. It's my pleasure to be teaching you this year. I'm sure you already know who I am, but just to give you a brief recap." He twirled around, allowing his green robes to flow in the air.
That was the moment Harry waved his wand quickly and attached a certain charm to the robes. It had delayed offset but was rather… noticeable to the wearer. If Lockhart was worth his salt, he would dispel it before the true damage was done.
"Gilderoy Lockhart." The man spoke as he wrote on the board. By hand. "Order of Merlin, third class; Honorary Member of the Dark Force Defence League; and the Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award five times in a row. But I didn't defeat the Bandon Banshee by smiling at her." The man laughed at his own joke.
The gathered students also laughed. Though for an entirely different reason. Lockhart's robes were turning bright pink. Specifically, the shade that would clash with his hair the most, though only Harry and a few girls would appreciate that detail.
"Now then, let's move on…" He started, only to realize that the kids were still laughing. "I know my charm is infectious, but there is no need to push it so much."
No one answered him. He looked around, only to spot a little bit of pink in the corner of his eyes.
The robes he was wearing had already started to transform. In a shower of glittery sparks, he was now wearing a pink too-too and a tiara. Even his hair was twisted into a small bun.
"Come on. That's not funny. I just…" He pulled his wand out. "Spelus Finitus." He waved it in some strange shape.
For a brief moment, Harry considered ending the spell just to let the man dig a bigger grave, but the last thing anyone here needed was to actually consider the man competent.
"You said you wouldn't do anything." Draco hissed.
"I said I wouldn't lose us any points. Besides, even you know how to cast a basic finite. I picked an especially basic spell to test him. And he failed. Badly." Harry motioned toward Lockhart, who was currently waving his wand left and right while trying to dispel the transfiguration. Very unsuccessfully. "I'm almost certain that nothing out of his mouth is even close to a proper spell."
"Merlin's beard…" Draco groaned.
-MM-
Sirius strode through the doors of the old building that housed the Bulwark Credit Union. His black long coat billowed as he marched toward the teller. Next to him, Remus marched with an equally focused step, but he was rolling his eyes. Sirius was almost as bad with theatrics as Loki. A subtle wave of the wand made everyone in the queue conveniently let them through. Technically, it could be considered illegal, but given what they were here for it was the least of their problems.
"Welcome to Bulwark Credit Union. How can I help you?" a young girl behind the counter asked.
"Yes, hi. I would like to speak with one of your employees, Melinda May."
The teller didn't even blink. "I'm sorry, but we have no one under our employment matching that request."
"I think you do." Sirius teased. "After all, this is a secret S.H.I.E.L.D base of operation" The last part was shouted loudly enough that everyone in the hall heard him.
"I am sorry sir, but you must be mistaken. And we would appreciate it if you maintain order. Sadly, I cannot help you with your problem. If you have no other business, please move along."
"Come now, babe. Why not spare both of us the trouble and just tell May that we're here? She wouldn't refuse her old school friends a friendly meeting?"
A realization dawned on the teller's face. "I'll have to check with HR if she might be one of our new hires." She quickly put up a notice that the window was closed for now and marched away.
"Looks like Melinda actually put Witch in her resume." Sirius chuckled.
Remus sighed. "Can you drop the confundus now? Maybe then you'll remember to sometimes shut up."
"Hey now, it worked. Everything according to plan." He chuckled.
"Yeah…" Remus noticed that a lot of people left the queue and the building altogether. "Gentlemen. If you're trying to surround us, you can as well just be open about it."
As he said that, all the remaining bank guests pulled their guns and aimed at the duo.
"Oh come on! Now you get to act all cool, but whenever I do it, you just say I'm asking for trouble." Sirius complained.
"The difference is that they would do it regardless, so my comment was of no consequences. Whereas you actively look for trouble." Remus snipped while looking at the agents all around them.
"Stand down." A woman in her thirties entered the room. She had her gun in hand but didn't aim it at the intruders. For now at least.
"Melinda! Great to see you." Sirius began walking toward his school friend, only to find a barrel of a gun in front of his nose.
"Who caught you and your girlfriend in the broom closet in the sixth year and then sold you out to the prefect for a bar of chocolate?"
"Remus Lupin."
"I will have you know that the bar of chocolate was not even part of the deal. How could I have known that James would tell Lily that you made out with Caroline after the curfew and she would tattle to McGonnagal?"
"You could've at least shared." Sirius accused.
"By the time you got out of detention, I already ran out after I shared it with Emilia."
The agents were now looking at the two strange men with a mixture of amusement and confusion. It definitely wasn't what they would expect from some seasoned enemy spies.
"Enough. Identity confirmed. No two other morons could act that dumb." Melinda holstered her gun. "Follow me."
She led the two wizards deeper into the building. They arrived in front of an unassuming portrait of an old guy with a monocle and a top hat. May pulled on a leaf from a nearby plant and the portrait moved to reveal a door with a keycode panel instead of a doorknob.
"Okay, I know Shield loves their superspy gig, but can you be any more cliche?" Sirius complained, but received no answer. Melinda just led them deeper into the base. Once the door finally closed behind them with the sound of pneumatic bars engaging, she sighed. She pushed them into one of the rooms and slammed the doors behind her.
"You must have a very good reason for coming here. You might be idiots, but you aren't stupid enough to look for troubles like that. Not your style."
Before Sirius got a chance to start another international incident, Remus spoke. "We do." He pulled a folder and tossed it at May. She started reading and motioned him to carry on. "We found tracks of a rather elusive smuggler ring that specializes in rare magical animals. The word is they organize illegal fighting pit with all kinds of magical creatures and earn their weights in gold on the betting."
"Isn't it something that the ICW should take care of? They have a task force for those kinds of things."
"It would be, if not for some of the people that are frequent guests for these events." Sirius pointed to some of the images. And indeed, there were a lot of big names there. From millionaires like Lawrence Wilkins, through the former minister for magic, the elderly Leonard Spencer-Moon, all the way to the big fish in the likes of Julien Beckers, the Minister of Belgian Foreign Affairs.
"They are all either occasional guests or regulars, but the ICW task force would most likely get drowned in paperwork for years."
"I see. And what's in it for you?" She raised an eyebrow at the pair.
"I'm wounded!" Sirius grabbed his chest in an exasperated gesture. "You wound me, fair maiden, for you accuse me of being a self-serving git."
May just stared at him for a moment.
"For the record, the well-being of the magical creatures is also important." Lord Black began. "But yeah, we need detailed information on where and when is the next Black Auction."
"Given that you're a Black, I would've thought that the invite already arrived." The agent sniped, but Sirius ignored the jab.
"I might've gotten removed from the list of 'valued customers' a few years ago."
"Oh?"
"It's a long story." Remus cut in.
"Yeah. It involved a cup, several bunches of bananas, and a scented candlestick."
"And a toilet seat." Remus did his best not to look Melinda in the eyes.
"And a toilet seat. We can't forget the toilet seat." Sirius grinned.
"Fine. I'll bring this all to my boss." Agent May decided that she would leave the story for another time and refocused on the important details.
"There is going to be a big event in Bahrain soon, which will coincide with the WHO Summit happening there. And one more thing."
"Yes?"
"There are rumors that they got their hands on something. Something dangerous." Sirius spoke in a grave voice.
"Stop with the theatrics and spit it out or else…" The unspoken threat from Melinda made Lord Black gulp.
"What my less-than-smart friend wanted to say," Remus began, earning a glare from Sirius, "was that they are rumored to have an Obscurial."
"Bloody hell." Melinda took a step back, almost dropping the file. "How certain is it?"
"Hard to tell. It might be just a rumor, but…"
"Can't ignore that. Right. The Shield with contact you at later date." She was about to leave when she suddenly turned and delivered a powerful jab into Sirius' gut. "And that's for all the troubles I'll have because of you. How did you even know where to find me."
"You still pay taxes in Wizarding Britain and it cost me less to get access to the archives than what you put into that saving account in-"
Another punch to the gut shut him up.
"Shutting up…" The man groaned.
"Good choice." She nodded and walked away. "I assume you can just apparate from here." She threw at them and locked the doors.
Life at Hogwarts fell into the same boring routine, only interrupted by occasional pranks like singing armors or portraits hanging upside down. The students quickly realized that Lockhart was a rather terrible teacher. His classes mostly consisted of acting out scenes from his books.
At first, Hermione tried to defend him, but Harry was quick to point out that he taught her more defense than Lockhart. To her comment that he taught her exactly nothing, he only nodded.
"Hello, my dear students." Lockhart began. For a second, Harry considered doing another prank to get the class canceled, but he was curious about what was that thing on the teacher's desk. "Today I have something special. You will face one of the most dangerous, most devilish, most monstrous beasts that Wizarding World has to offer."
Murmurs spread across the room. Several girls shivered and tried to hide behind the books.
The professor pulled the sheet that covered a cage, inside of which small, blue humanoids with wings fluttered everywhere. One of them started to make faces at Ron Weasley, another was busy preparing something and hiding it from humans, and yet another scribbled offensive drawings on a small blackboard. Where in the world did those monsters get a miniature blackboard?
"Cornish Pixies?" Seamus asked, underwhelmed.
"Freshly caught Cornish Pixies, Mr. Finnegan. Five points to Gryffindor." Lockhart pulled his wand and Harry instinctively prepared a shield charm. He figured by now that the only safe person was the one Lockhart actually tried to hit.
"Repeat after me. Peskipiski Pesternomi." Lockhart made some elaborate wand gestures that would be more fitting for a stage magician than a self-respecting wizard.
Some students reluctantly tried, but nothing happened.
"Perfect! Now, let's see how you deal with the beasts." Before anyone could protest, the clearly-insane professor released the pixies. Insane, because no sane person would let a group of feral cornish pixies at the second-year students who have almost no knowledge of any defensive magic.
The pandemonium has begun. The pixies were flying everywhere. They tore the books apart, cut the pages into shapes of paper planes, and then threw them at students who tried to catch them. Neville was carried up and hung from the chandelier by his boxers. Ron Weasley got attacked by a vicious pixie with a battery-powered electric shaver that the little beast got from Odin-knows-where. Girls had their hair pulled at or their skirts lifted.
At first, pixies stayed away from Harry and those closer to his seat. Several students already ran out of the classroom or were knocked unconscious one way or another by pixies' vicious pranks. Finally, the first pixie found its way to Haraldr, who grinned. The little monster froze in the air for a second before saluting him and fluttering around. Soon, there was an entire crowd in front of Harry. They all formed neat three lines in front of him and they all saluted and stood at attention. Every single pixie in the room was now in front of him.
A mischievous smile entered his face as he nodded. The creatures zoomed out of the classroom.
"How!?" Draco shouted.
"Eh, a little this, a little that." Harry avoided the answer. "I just gave them some directions where to find fresh targets."
"That's awfully rude!" Hermione protested.
"Hey, we're second-year students. Do you know a spell to deal with those pixies?"
"Um… probably the-"
"So do I, but the others don't, meaning we're not responsible for what they do." He interrupted. "Lockhart brought them and released them without teaching us a proper spell, making it his fault."
"You seem to dislike the man very much…" Susan noted from her seat.
"Eh, he keeps trying to drag me into the celebrity thing, so I'm gonna retaliate until he gives up. I read it's called conditioning. If every time he tries to turn me into his mini-me something bad happens, he will eventually make a subconscious connection between the two and drop it."
"That's awful and manipulative!" Hermione accused.
"That's brilliant!" Draco praised roughly at the same time.
No one in the class noticed that Dudley Dursley was also conveniently untouched by the pixies.
The rest of the day's classes were canceled after the pixies wreaked havoc across the school. It took until late evening to capture all the pesky monsters. The students were served meals in their rooms.
It was close to the curfew when Snape stormed into the Slytherin common room.
"Potter, Malfoy, with me." He left no space for arguments. The two boys simply got up from their Bluff game and followed the professor. Draco was sending his cousin angry glares throughout the journey.
They arrived at Snape's office, where the Weasley twins already waited in their seats.
"Okay, what's this about?"
"If it's about the love potion, we know nothing." George quickly shook his head.
"Love potion?" Snape glared at the twins. Fred groaned. "Frankly, today I'm too tired to care."
"Okay then, what do you want, professor?" Harry smirked.
"I want Lockhart gone. I don't care how you do it, I don't care who you need to bribe, blackmail, or torture, but I want him gone." Snape slammed his fist into his desk. "That incompetent buffoon and his pixies cost me five months of experiments. My research notes became ingredients of my untested potion. And he tried to lecture me about safety procedures when working with potions!" Snape barely held himself back from continuing the rant. "I'll counter any points he or other teachers take from you for the methods you employ. I'll also grant you access to my private stash of potion supplies. Unofficially of course."
"So… you want us to prank Lockhart into quitting."
"You can lock him in the dungeons with Filch for a week for all I care. I want that blubbering moron gone before Christmas."
"Now, you come to us, in your time of need, and make demands?" Fred started.
"And you offer knuts for sickles," George added.
"That doesn't seem fair…"
"Does it?"
Snape growled. "What do you want."
"Life-long freedom from homework." The twins demanded together.
"A year."
"Four years."
"A year and a half."
"Until OWLs and you have a deal."
The teacher let out a sound that was a very good imitation of an angry rottweiler. "Fine. But you better get Os in those or there will be hell to pay."
"You've got it, boss!" They saluted.
"Potter."
"Huh? Oh! I'll take the same deal."
"No."
"Come on! Draco and I deserve this."
"You're the second year, not fourth like those two."
"Then I want your old potions book." Harry's grin was downright vicious. That book was a holy grail for the potions class. A guaranteed Os across the board. Of course, the Marauders copied everything into the Grimoire, but Harry wouldn't get his hands on the stuff in that book until much later. Remus said that using that knowledge would be practically cheating and Sirius was quick to join the bandwagon. Even if Harry knew that they just wanted him to suffer a bit just like they did.
"I have no clue how you even know about it, but fine. I'll deliver it tomorrow."
With that, he left them in the room.
"So… did we just get an honest-to-magic hit on our teacher?" Draco slowly asked the group.
"Yeah. And it's Lockhart. Life is beautiful." Harry relaxed in the chair. "We should coordinate our plans."
"Um… what about curfew?" Fred asked. A silence followed for a moment before all three pranksters exploded in laughter, joined by reluctant Draco.
The next morning, Neville was happily preparing to eat breakfast in the great hall. It was a quiet morning and not too many students came in just yet. He was about to reach for some sausages when Harry sat in front of him. Instead of Hogwarts robes, he wore a white polo shirt, a khaki jacket, and dark-blue jeans. Plus, he had black sunglasses.
"Hey, psst. I'm gathering a crew for a big hit and I could use someone with your talents. What do you say?"
Around them, students looked at the scene with a mixture of curiosity and a small dose of apprehension.
"A… hit?" Neville, bless his oblivious heart, did not understand the reference to many classic thrillers that Harry got to watch with his father and uncles.
"Yeah, a job, a gig, a quest, call it what you want. The point is, there is a task to be done. Can I count on you?"
Now, Neville was still confused, but one thing he knew was that it was almost always safer to play along than go against when Harry Potter was planning something.
"I… might be interested. What's in it for me?"
"I knew we could come to an agreement." Harry acted like it was a foregone conclusion. Because frankly? It was.
During the conversation, more students (and teachers) entered the great hall. Lockhart, who was about to take his seat, paused to check what was going on. Seeing that it was just another one of Potter's plays, he ignored it for now. As he sat down, the loudest, most obnoxious, most pronounced fart ever echoed across the great hall.
Professor McGonagall, who had the displeasure of sitting next to Lockhart, had to cast the bubblehead charm just to not suffer or possibly faint.
All discussions in the great hall paused. Every single student and teacher stared at Lockhart, who was about as red as Weasley's hair.
"Haha. Very funny." He tried to play it off. "Whoever planted that whoopie cushion must have an interesting sense of humor, but they ought to learn that not everyone shares their idea." He stood up and looked at his seat, only to find it… completely empty.
"Prove it!" Came a shout from the Slytherin table.
"I…" Lockhart was frantically trying to figure out what to say. Seeing the celebrity/teacher panic only reinforced the belief that there was no whoopie cushion. The smell reached some of the students closer to the staff table, making them scowl in disgust. One thing was sure, by lunch, everyone would hear about Lockhart's 'smelly problem'.
Neville sighed. It seemed no explanation was needed as he figured out exactly what Harry wanted him for. An all-out war on Professor Gilderoy Lockhart. He quickly grabbed his friend's arm and shook it.
"I'm in. No way I'm standing in a way of… that." The smell reached them and further reinforced Neville's resolve.
"Glad to have you onboard, pal." Harry grinned and with a wave of his wand and a muttered incantation created a bubble that shielded them from the smell and purified the air.
As the weeks passed, Lockhart quickly learned that the vanishing whoopie cushion was only the beginning. Shower water mysteriously turning his skin fast-tan orange, random boxes of candies sent by 'shy fans' making them look like he got several dozen more pounds, toothpaste that caused his teeth to weaken and chip… It was a nightmare.
There wasn't a day when he didn't suffer at least one such attack. And the worst was that he couldn't even go to the hospital wing as Madam Pomfrey would question his abilities, as he accidentally bragged to have dabbled into healing arts in his youth when he first met the matron.
When he soon figured that a simple Finite Incantatem would dispel the effects, he was overjoyed. It became the second spell he mastered. He worked day and night, even during classes, to make sure he could do the spell with his eyes closed. He even taught every student in school that very spell (by accident, as they blindly followed his example in practicing the incantation and wand movement).
As soon as he had the spell down, it stopped working on the pranks.
Harry and Neville laughed as they walked around the castle. They just left one of the many secret laboratories where the group kept preparing various pranks in their war against Lockhart. Some of their members felt bad about doing so many mean things to just one person, but that feeling almost magically disappeared when they learned the first useful things from him in the year. Now they treated their pranks as a form of additional motivation. The twins were currently working on gearing their future pranks to be dispelled only by stunning hex. It would be nice to have the entire school learn stunning hex by continuously stunning Lockhart.
Rip. Tear. Shred.
Harry froze. He pulled his knife and wand and pulled Neville behind him. His robes reverted back into his armor in an instant.
"What's going on?"
"I'm not sure, but someone… or rather something is here."
"I didn't hear anything."
"Shush." Harry's head frantically snapped from side to side as he searched for the source of the threatening whispers.
Shred. Tear. Shred. Rip. Tear.
Harry's eyes snapped to the ceiling, but there was nothing there. He threw several invisibility spells over him and Neville and waited. The whispers were no more.
"Harry. You're scaring me." Longbottom pulled his wand, but his hands were shaking.
"Don't speak. Even your breath. Remain calm." Harry whispered though he noticed his hands were, similarly, trembling.
The pair kept to their position by the wall for a few minutes, trying their best to calm their nerves while remaining vigilant. Finally, Harry deemed the place safe enough to move. They marched fast toward the great hall, where they would be safe in numbers.
As they turned the corner, they came across a puddle of water and writing on the wall.
THE CHAMBER OF SECRET HAS BEEN OPENED. ENEMIES OF THE HEIR BEWARE. NO ONE WILL BE SAFE FROM THE BEAST OF SLYTHERIN.
Those words were written in blood. On the ground in front of those words, Mrs. Norris was laying stiff and unmoving.