Beginnings and Endings
Chapter 2 Madness remembered
Author Verinthalia
I beg a thousand pardons.. The Wards that Willow set in the first chapter was drawn from the " Deryni Chronicles" by Katherine Kurtz, and I have found similar 'spells' of protection in most of the eclectic faiths I have studied. They all use four cardinal points, the winds, the compass points or the archangels to set perimeters for a 'sacred place' for meetings, or spell workings. I will try to add a new chapter every other day until I finish this. Thanks for all the reviews and encouragement. I just think Joss leaves out too much of the between scenes. I need a little closure myself.
There was a collective sigh around the room, and then Dawn asked, "Why are we putting ourselves through this? What purpose does it serve?"
"Giles and I believe that the First orchestrated the attack with the aid of another entity that attacked us here. And there were things that happened that must be examined, and recorded. With the destruction of the Council, we must begin a new and clear record for future generations. The First was defeated, but it cannot be destroyed. Only contained. There will come a time centuries if not millennia from now when it again will threaten the earth." Wesley said.
"I made a grave mistake in relying on only my own research not so long ago, and the consequences were dire." He bowed his head.
"If you want to know who had dealings with the First earliest that would be me" Angel growled out.
"About 4 to 4 ½ years ago when I returned from a hell dimension the First began to haunt me. It would come to me in my dreams, making me relive my worst murders. Then I began to see my victims, and they would talk to me reminding me that I was evil. They were pushing me to madness. The guilt was almost unbearable." He stopped and closed his eyes.
He raised his head and continued, "It came as Jenny Calendar, she keep urging me to take Buffy, and I felt as if the only answer was to greet the sun. Buffy found me and tried to stop me, but I was too far-gone in grief, guilt, remorse and madness. Then the 'Powers that Be' intervened. It snowed in Sunnydale for the first time."
Shock was mirrored on the faces of those listening and a chorus of 'I remember thats' as well as 'I didn't know whys' softly filled the room.
" It seems that the First resented that I had been returned to Earth to fight for the good guys, and it wanted to deprive the 'Powers' of their 'champion'." He finished.
Buffy spoke, " It seems the First has a real wood on for Vampires with a soul. It came after Spike too."
She stared off into space, "We all know that for over 3 years Spike loved me. When Willow brought me back from the dead almost 2 years ago, I was numb. I felt nothing but anger. But Spike out of everyone in my life, didn't want me to reassure him that I was Ok. He just wanted to be there for me. I could run to him and hide, be a lump. Just sit and veg out." She smiled softly.
" He was the only one I could tell that I wasn't in a hell dimension, that I was in heaven. He understood the horror of digging free of your own grave. He just listened to me, and offered me another way to look at the things that were bugging me. When it all started to spin out of control, and I wanted to hurt someone, something. He stood there and offered himself."
She sobbed a little and sniffled back a few tears. " I started the affair. Spike found out that he could hit me. It wasn't his chip; he still couldn't hurt anyone else. Just me. He goaded me with it said I came back wrong. I think he was trying to push me into reacting. Trying to break down the wall of apathy I was hiding behind. Tara investigated and found that I came back just a little different, molecularly."
" Do you remember his face at my birthday party? That was my doing, not a chaos demon. I did it the night he tried to stop me from turning myself in for 'killing' Katrina. Some how he knew that I hadn't done it. For trying to protect me I beat him to a bloody pulp. Still he forgave me, and came back for more." She sat shivering at the memories.
She laid her hands flat on the table, "It wasn't love on my part, and it was revenge. I attacked him like an animal. The sex was brutal, violent. Then rougher and more degrading the more I got off. He took it, he preformed for me. It always began with me saying no and fighting him, than I would jump him. He always wanted to be soft and gentle, but I wouldn't let him. Afterwards I would tell him it was over, never again."
She turned her haunted eyes to Xander, " That night in my bathroom, he was only following the unspoken rules I had laid down, but when he realized that I had meant no, and he had ignored it, he was crushed. I could see and I still see the terror in his eyes. Spike, the old Spike was William the bloody, but I don't think he ever was the kind of man to abuse women."
She stared straight at Angel, " He ran, out of shame, and fear at what he had almost done. He went to Africa and suffered through a series of trails to regain his soul. He did it for me, because he wanted to be 'a kind of man, a better man. To find the piece that made him fit. So everybody will forgive and love, so he would be loved.' He suffered with it. I found him last fall hiding in the school basement. He was, as he said 'bug shagging crazy'."
She leaned back in her chair, " Later after the trigger had been disarmed, he told me that the First was always at him as Warren, Glory, Adam, Mayor Wilkins, Dru, and the Master. It would come to him as me, or himself always urging him to be the evil vampire he had been. The only thing that kept him grounded and resisting was my belief in him that he was a good man."
She stared straight at Giles, "It possessed him for a while, it had him killing again, and turning others, when he realized what he had done he begging me to stake him. I couldn't do it. I felt guilty. I had pushed him to getting his soul, all the torment was my fault." She sighed.
"The night the bringers attacked and kidnapped him was to punish him for betraying the First. The awful tortures he survived were because the First couldn't 'persuade' him to join it. When I found him, he was lost again in his own mind, chanting over and over 'she will come for me, she will come for me' like a mantra. At first he laughed at me and said I wasn't real that I couldn't touch him. Seems the First like tormenting him as me." She swallowed deeply her agony visible to all in the room.
"Then when his chip began to fire randomly and continually, killing him, frying his brain I made the decision to have it removed. I knew what he had endured and I knew then just as we all know now that he was a good man. He no longer needed a 'leash' to keep him in check. He did it on his own. He knew right from wrong and chose to do the right thing because he cared about humanity." She finished triumphantly; her eyes daring anyone to gain say her.
Dawn stirred, " You were right, William was a poet, a real Victorian gentleman. And while Angelus may have wanted to decimate the human race, Spike didn't. I asked him once about the Judge, and he was embarrassed. He thought Dru would grow tired and chuck the whole thing, he didn't honestly think she could pull it all together. Once she did he was desperate to find a way to stop it." Dawn spoke up.
" I remember when I found out I was the Key, he was with me. Not to egg me on. He was there to protect me. I had the biggest crush on him, but he turned it into a brother/sister type of love by being real. He answered my questions; he listened to my doubts and fears. He backed me up when I needed it. And He defended you all when I was in an 'I hate them all' frame of mind." She paused and turned to catch Buffy's eyes.
"You all were so he hasn't got a soul, so he's evil and evil soulless beings that when Glory caught him and tortured him, I was more frightened that I'd ever been. I went to see him and confessed that I thought I was evil. That I didn't have a soul, maybe that the monks had left it out. How could I not be evil if everyone around me was being hurt because of me." She smiled softly.
"That was when he proved that he loved us to me. Not with words, but he went to a warlock and got a soul crystal. It glows if the person holding it has a soul, if they don't or the soul is damaged it remains dull, just a chuck of quartz. To prove it, he had several of his demon poker buddies hold it so I could see. Then he handed it to me and it glowed a bright clear light. 'See bit, you do have a soul, and you're no more evil than any other pubescent girl.' And he laughed." She blinked back her tears.
"The whole time Buffy was dead, he was there for me. He wasn't in face my and all Pollyanna attitude giving me ice cream and platitudes. He would just be there. Letting me cry to him and on him. He held me and comforted me. He told me all about his life as William." She giggled lightly.
"He said that William was such a 'poof' as he said that the mere thought of kissing a girl would make him weak kneed. William was terrified to be alone with a girl, back then all meetings were chaperoned. Manners were how the gentry were judged as worthy." She looked down at her hands before continuing.
"I left my window open every night and he would leave through the front door all 'night all' when Tara and Willow went to bed, but then sneak back in and hold me as I slept. He was always gone in the mornings, but I could face the day knowing he would be there for me during the night." She turned a balisk like stare to Xander.
" When you told me he tried to rape Buffy it was so anti-Spike I couldn't believe it, and then Buffy wouldn't confirm or deny it. But I did know that his leaving hurt her, so I became bitter and I resented him. I resented all of you. You refused to tell me anything."
She looked at them all in turn, "Spike was the only one of you that was ever honest with me, regardless of how bad the truth made him look. Except if the truth would damage my opinion of one of you. Then he would let me think the worst of him. He's been sacrificing himself for all of you for years." She stopped.
" I was so confused when he came back, I ached to comfort him to give back just a little of what he had done for me, but my damnable 'Scooby Loyalty' got in the way. Now I can never tell him how much he means to me, I can never thank him for saving my life so many times in so many ways." She paused, her face sad and pensive.
"Let me say this one thing and believe me when I say it. He loved each and every one of us. He may have had a weird way of showing it but he did. Willow he understood the depth of your feelings for Tara when no one else did. He's the one that sent Buffy after you when you took on Glory. Xander, he knew you were miserable without Anya. He tried to goad you into going back to her, and he tried to goad her into unbending enough to take you back." She glared at them all.
"Remember how he proved Tara had no demon in her? What about his nicknames for all of you? Glinda the good witch, Red, I loved it when he called Anya Xander's 'bird'. How many times did he taunt you with the 'truth' and you refused to hear it. And you my own sister, I'm so ashamed of the way you abused and used him."
She gathered a fresh head of steam; "Get over yourself, just because your other relationships were massive failures, and the asses all left you didn't mean that he would. Hell you weren't even boinking him when he damn near died at Glory's hands." She glared at them.
"Remember how kind and gentle he was with Tara during her mind sucked stage. He really did love Mom. I saw more of them together than the rest of you. He was kind and very courtly to her. It brightened her life to have him be her friend. To seek her advise, to listen to her daily little dramas. God knows Buffy and I never did."
She shifted in her seat. "It hurts so much to think that he spent his entire life both undead and living without a friend, just nutty Dru. We never realized how lonely he was. Did we ever invite him to join us? Even after the summer he worked side by side with you all, you still treated him like a thing, a tool." Her face crumpled.
" Think how hard it was to be than alone, that outside of your little group. And even then he did the right things without your help or encouragement." She stopped.
Silent filled the room. Then she spoke again, " As to the First, I was home alone Buffy was out patrolling, and Willow was at the library. I heard this loud thumping. I opened the front door and a gale like wind almost blew me over. I managed to close the door and then all the electric appliances began to go haywire. The TV turned itself way up and even when I unplugged it, it was still on." She shuddered.
" The stereo was acting crazy, loud and changing stations, I ran to the kitchen and the microwave blew up then I heard mom call to me on the portable radio" She sat up straighter.
"I took it back to the living room with me and I tried to get her to talk to me, I yelled that if it was Mom to knock once. It did, and then I asked it to answer me one knock for yes and two for no. I asked if she was alone? It knocked twice. Was she all right? Again two knocks, then it was like the exorcist. There was writing on the walls in blood and the furniture was moving." She shivered.
"I did a casting out spell, to repel the 'evil' and it began to trash the house and shove me around. When I finish the spell it was calm and quiet. That was when.. When mom appeared. She was beautiful in a long white dress and all glowy. She said that she loved me, and she loved Buffy, but when it counted, when the bad things came that Buffy wouldn't chose me."
"I sat there stunned and begging her to stay but she said her time was up she had to go. Just a few minutes later Willow came running in like a demon was after her. That was the only time the first appeared to me alone."
Chapter 2 Madness remembered
Author Verinthalia
I beg a thousand pardons.. The Wards that Willow set in the first chapter was drawn from the " Deryni Chronicles" by Katherine Kurtz, and I have found similar 'spells' of protection in most of the eclectic faiths I have studied. They all use four cardinal points, the winds, the compass points or the archangels to set perimeters for a 'sacred place' for meetings, or spell workings. I will try to add a new chapter every other day until I finish this. Thanks for all the reviews and encouragement. I just think Joss leaves out too much of the between scenes. I need a little closure myself.
There was a collective sigh around the room, and then Dawn asked, "Why are we putting ourselves through this? What purpose does it serve?"
"Giles and I believe that the First orchestrated the attack with the aid of another entity that attacked us here. And there were things that happened that must be examined, and recorded. With the destruction of the Council, we must begin a new and clear record for future generations. The First was defeated, but it cannot be destroyed. Only contained. There will come a time centuries if not millennia from now when it again will threaten the earth." Wesley said.
"I made a grave mistake in relying on only my own research not so long ago, and the consequences were dire." He bowed his head.
"If you want to know who had dealings with the First earliest that would be me" Angel growled out.
"About 4 to 4 ½ years ago when I returned from a hell dimension the First began to haunt me. It would come to me in my dreams, making me relive my worst murders. Then I began to see my victims, and they would talk to me reminding me that I was evil. They were pushing me to madness. The guilt was almost unbearable." He stopped and closed his eyes.
He raised his head and continued, "It came as Jenny Calendar, she keep urging me to take Buffy, and I felt as if the only answer was to greet the sun. Buffy found me and tried to stop me, but I was too far-gone in grief, guilt, remorse and madness. Then the 'Powers that Be' intervened. It snowed in Sunnydale for the first time."
Shock was mirrored on the faces of those listening and a chorus of 'I remember thats' as well as 'I didn't know whys' softly filled the room.
" It seems that the First resented that I had been returned to Earth to fight for the good guys, and it wanted to deprive the 'Powers' of their 'champion'." He finished.
Buffy spoke, " It seems the First has a real wood on for Vampires with a soul. It came after Spike too."
She stared off into space, "We all know that for over 3 years Spike loved me. When Willow brought me back from the dead almost 2 years ago, I was numb. I felt nothing but anger. But Spike out of everyone in my life, didn't want me to reassure him that I was Ok. He just wanted to be there for me. I could run to him and hide, be a lump. Just sit and veg out." She smiled softly.
" He was the only one I could tell that I wasn't in a hell dimension, that I was in heaven. He understood the horror of digging free of your own grave. He just listened to me, and offered me another way to look at the things that were bugging me. When it all started to spin out of control, and I wanted to hurt someone, something. He stood there and offered himself."
She sobbed a little and sniffled back a few tears. " I started the affair. Spike found out that he could hit me. It wasn't his chip; he still couldn't hurt anyone else. Just me. He goaded me with it said I came back wrong. I think he was trying to push me into reacting. Trying to break down the wall of apathy I was hiding behind. Tara investigated and found that I came back just a little different, molecularly."
" Do you remember his face at my birthday party? That was my doing, not a chaos demon. I did it the night he tried to stop me from turning myself in for 'killing' Katrina. Some how he knew that I hadn't done it. For trying to protect me I beat him to a bloody pulp. Still he forgave me, and came back for more." She sat shivering at the memories.
She laid her hands flat on the table, "It wasn't love on my part, and it was revenge. I attacked him like an animal. The sex was brutal, violent. Then rougher and more degrading the more I got off. He took it, he preformed for me. It always began with me saying no and fighting him, than I would jump him. He always wanted to be soft and gentle, but I wouldn't let him. Afterwards I would tell him it was over, never again."
She turned her haunted eyes to Xander, " That night in my bathroom, he was only following the unspoken rules I had laid down, but when he realized that I had meant no, and he had ignored it, he was crushed. I could see and I still see the terror in his eyes. Spike, the old Spike was William the bloody, but I don't think he ever was the kind of man to abuse women."
She stared straight at Angel, " He ran, out of shame, and fear at what he had almost done. He went to Africa and suffered through a series of trails to regain his soul. He did it for me, because he wanted to be 'a kind of man, a better man. To find the piece that made him fit. So everybody will forgive and love, so he would be loved.' He suffered with it. I found him last fall hiding in the school basement. He was, as he said 'bug shagging crazy'."
She leaned back in her chair, " Later after the trigger had been disarmed, he told me that the First was always at him as Warren, Glory, Adam, Mayor Wilkins, Dru, and the Master. It would come to him as me, or himself always urging him to be the evil vampire he had been. The only thing that kept him grounded and resisting was my belief in him that he was a good man."
She stared straight at Giles, "It possessed him for a while, it had him killing again, and turning others, when he realized what he had done he begging me to stake him. I couldn't do it. I felt guilty. I had pushed him to getting his soul, all the torment was my fault." She sighed.
"The night the bringers attacked and kidnapped him was to punish him for betraying the First. The awful tortures he survived were because the First couldn't 'persuade' him to join it. When I found him, he was lost again in his own mind, chanting over and over 'she will come for me, she will come for me' like a mantra. At first he laughed at me and said I wasn't real that I couldn't touch him. Seems the First like tormenting him as me." She swallowed deeply her agony visible to all in the room.
"Then when his chip began to fire randomly and continually, killing him, frying his brain I made the decision to have it removed. I knew what he had endured and I knew then just as we all know now that he was a good man. He no longer needed a 'leash' to keep him in check. He did it on his own. He knew right from wrong and chose to do the right thing because he cared about humanity." She finished triumphantly; her eyes daring anyone to gain say her.
Dawn stirred, " You were right, William was a poet, a real Victorian gentleman. And while Angelus may have wanted to decimate the human race, Spike didn't. I asked him once about the Judge, and he was embarrassed. He thought Dru would grow tired and chuck the whole thing, he didn't honestly think she could pull it all together. Once she did he was desperate to find a way to stop it." Dawn spoke up.
" I remember when I found out I was the Key, he was with me. Not to egg me on. He was there to protect me. I had the biggest crush on him, but he turned it into a brother/sister type of love by being real. He answered my questions; he listened to my doubts and fears. He backed me up when I needed it. And He defended you all when I was in an 'I hate them all' frame of mind." She paused and turned to catch Buffy's eyes.
"You all were so he hasn't got a soul, so he's evil and evil soulless beings that when Glory caught him and tortured him, I was more frightened that I'd ever been. I went to see him and confessed that I thought I was evil. That I didn't have a soul, maybe that the monks had left it out. How could I not be evil if everyone around me was being hurt because of me." She smiled softly.
"That was when he proved that he loved us to me. Not with words, but he went to a warlock and got a soul crystal. It glows if the person holding it has a soul, if they don't or the soul is damaged it remains dull, just a chuck of quartz. To prove it, he had several of his demon poker buddies hold it so I could see. Then he handed it to me and it glowed a bright clear light. 'See bit, you do have a soul, and you're no more evil than any other pubescent girl.' And he laughed." She blinked back her tears.
"The whole time Buffy was dead, he was there for me. He wasn't in face my and all Pollyanna attitude giving me ice cream and platitudes. He would just be there. Letting me cry to him and on him. He held me and comforted me. He told me all about his life as William." She giggled lightly.
"He said that William was such a 'poof' as he said that the mere thought of kissing a girl would make him weak kneed. William was terrified to be alone with a girl, back then all meetings were chaperoned. Manners were how the gentry were judged as worthy." She looked down at her hands before continuing.
"I left my window open every night and he would leave through the front door all 'night all' when Tara and Willow went to bed, but then sneak back in and hold me as I slept. He was always gone in the mornings, but I could face the day knowing he would be there for me during the night." She turned a balisk like stare to Xander.
" When you told me he tried to rape Buffy it was so anti-Spike I couldn't believe it, and then Buffy wouldn't confirm or deny it. But I did know that his leaving hurt her, so I became bitter and I resented him. I resented all of you. You refused to tell me anything."
She looked at them all in turn, "Spike was the only one of you that was ever honest with me, regardless of how bad the truth made him look. Except if the truth would damage my opinion of one of you. Then he would let me think the worst of him. He's been sacrificing himself for all of you for years." She stopped.
" I was so confused when he came back, I ached to comfort him to give back just a little of what he had done for me, but my damnable 'Scooby Loyalty' got in the way. Now I can never tell him how much he means to me, I can never thank him for saving my life so many times in so many ways." She paused, her face sad and pensive.
"Let me say this one thing and believe me when I say it. He loved each and every one of us. He may have had a weird way of showing it but he did. Willow he understood the depth of your feelings for Tara when no one else did. He's the one that sent Buffy after you when you took on Glory. Xander, he knew you were miserable without Anya. He tried to goad you into going back to her, and he tried to goad her into unbending enough to take you back." She glared at them all.
"Remember how he proved Tara had no demon in her? What about his nicknames for all of you? Glinda the good witch, Red, I loved it when he called Anya Xander's 'bird'. How many times did he taunt you with the 'truth' and you refused to hear it. And you my own sister, I'm so ashamed of the way you abused and used him."
She gathered a fresh head of steam; "Get over yourself, just because your other relationships were massive failures, and the asses all left you didn't mean that he would. Hell you weren't even boinking him when he damn near died at Glory's hands." She glared at them.
"Remember how kind and gentle he was with Tara during her mind sucked stage. He really did love Mom. I saw more of them together than the rest of you. He was kind and very courtly to her. It brightened her life to have him be her friend. To seek her advise, to listen to her daily little dramas. God knows Buffy and I never did."
She shifted in her seat. "It hurts so much to think that he spent his entire life both undead and living without a friend, just nutty Dru. We never realized how lonely he was. Did we ever invite him to join us? Even after the summer he worked side by side with you all, you still treated him like a thing, a tool." Her face crumpled.
" Think how hard it was to be than alone, that outside of your little group. And even then he did the right things without your help or encouragement." She stopped.
Silent filled the room. Then she spoke again, " As to the First, I was home alone Buffy was out patrolling, and Willow was at the library. I heard this loud thumping. I opened the front door and a gale like wind almost blew me over. I managed to close the door and then all the electric appliances began to go haywire. The TV turned itself way up and even when I unplugged it, it was still on." She shuddered.
" The stereo was acting crazy, loud and changing stations, I ran to the kitchen and the microwave blew up then I heard mom call to me on the portable radio" She sat up straighter.
"I took it back to the living room with me and I tried to get her to talk to me, I yelled that if it was Mom to knock once. It did, and then I asked it to answer me one knock for yes and two for no. I asked if she was alone? It knocked twice. Was she all right? Again two knocks, then it was like the exorcist. There was writing on the walls in blood and the furniture was moving." She shivered.
"I did a casting out spell, to repel the 'evil' and it began to trash the house and shove me around. When I finish the spell it was calm and quiet. That was when.. When mom appeared. She was beautiful in a long white dress and all glowy. She said that she loved me, and she loved Buffy, but when it counted, when the bad things came that Buffy wouldn't chose me."
"I sat there stunned and begging her to stay but she said her time was up she had to go. Just a few minutes later Willow came running in like a demon was after her. That was the only time the first appeared to me alone."