Beginnings and Endings
Author: Verinthalia
Chapter 4: Human weaknesses.
Rated pg-13
Author's note: This fic is my own personal view of things that were left unfinished unaddressed and unsolved. This is not a relationship driven story. It is a look into the fallacies, weaknesses and errors made by the entire cast of characters. I feel like after 7 years they should be mature enough to face their own inner demons and deal with it.
The Wards cast by Willow are indeed like Novocain. I can and do feel every cut, every pass of the drill or scalpel the oral surgeon makes in my mouth, but the nerve endings are numbed so that I don't thrash and scream in pain. But believe me I feel it all later in a subdued way, when the anesthesia wears off and my wounds throb. *****
When we left Xander was facing his own errors, and weaknesses**********
" Xander I'm not trying to attack you, but you need to realize the pain you've caused me. I've forgiven you for all of it but I want to understand it, and I think Buffy feels the same way." Willow softly spoke.
"Oh God Will. I just want what's right for my girls." Xander stammered.
" We are NOT your girls." Buffy snapped. " We are grown women, we have every right to live our lives as we see fit. Not be judged and condemned by you."
"He said you'd say that." He replied.
"Did the first come to you?" Willow asked.
"Not really appear, but I started to have dreams about Jessie. He and I would talk. He tried to make me angry with both of you, to fill me with doubts. He said you both were just keeping me around as a jester, someone you could use and laugh at." He squirmed in his chair.
" The last time I dreamed about him, he said that you were through with me, and if I . if I left you, I'd be nothing more than a light snack for the First, that it would devour me. My only chance to survive was if you two would save me, but then I'd always be your whipping boy. I'd never be a real man" He hung his head.
"The fight wasn't mine and I was a fool to stick around and risk my neck for you after all did you really need me?"
"He said my dad was right I was a waste of skin, an imbecile, a cosmic joke. I'd never amount to anything but a dumb grunt. My place in hell is reserved. I murdered 16 people with that dumb spell I did to call Sweet."
He rubbed his one good eye and continued. " I've lived the last seven years so quick to judge and blame you both when something went wrong, but what did I ever do. I put you both on a pedestal, and then gave you so much grief when you stumbled like any human does. I saw everything in black and white no gray for me, but it's funny"
He took a deep breath, " Losing an eye effects more that you depth perception, I see so much more clearly now. I was never good enough for either of you, or for Anya. She may have been a little rough around the edges with the social graces thing, but she was always honest, just like Spike"
"Maybe, we need to be a little more demonic in the way we deal with each other, not pad the truth. But face it head on, admit what we think and feel. Then we wouldn't keep tripping over the elephants."
He took a sip of coffee, " I've been so unfair to you guys. I tried to make you behave the way I wanted. I pushed you and held back things that you should have known. I always counted on you to cover my ass when I screwed up. I doubted your decisions. I though I knew more then you did, I could see better than you when you made what I saw as a wrong choice."
He sat up straight and laid his hands flat on the tabletop looking at both Buffy and Willow. " I went off halfcocked using magic and both times I did more damage than Willow has ever done. Giles saved my butt with the 'Love Spell', and then Buffy and Spike covered me when I called up Sweet."
He shuddered lightly before he continued. " How can I call myself your friend? I knew what was causing all the singing and dancing but I never spoke up. I stood and watched as you danced and danced, starting to smoke and burn. It was the 'Demon' that saved you. I helped pull you back to this world, for my own selfish reasons. I couldn't face a world without you. I felt as if I couldn't have you then at least I could be part of your life"
He sobbed, " Spike was right. He said magic always has consequences. Dawn you and Buffy need to know he tried to bring flowers when Joyce died, but I wouldn't let him. I accused him of using her death to get close to Buffy."
"God I was so unfair to Anya, she knew deep down that she was my second choice. And she accepted it. She loved me that much. See Jessie made me see myself for what I am. Anya was right. I'm a scared lonely little kid. I tag along with you. Knowing that you'll cover for me. That I can always cop out with the I'm only a poor human carpenter crap"
He turned slightly and faced Willow, " Please forgive me. I've used you as my security blanket. I knew whatever I did, however I screwed up, you would be there. You were my first and best friend. You love or is it loved me. I could muck it up so bad but you'd still see me as damn near perfect. I never thought about returning that trust. I doubted you and judged you so fast and so wrong."
"I let you carry the guilt and blame. I stood by and never once questioned you when we resurrected Buffy. But deep down I knew I should have spoken. The rational part was gagged by the selfish part. Then I stood by and ignored the pain you were in, just like I ignored Willows pain when Oz left."
He chuckled lightly, " You know I just realized that Spike and Anya both saw us a we really are. He warned us one to not listen to him we might 'get a little truth on' us."
"I just wanted the good stuff the fun and glory, I ran and hide from the pain of life. From the pain I caused. If either of you made a choice I didn't agree with I was so quick to naysay, to disagree, then if it did go wrong I was so loud and proud to crow 'I told you so'. Willow, I always blamed you first if something went wrong like invisible Buffy, or the Gnarl. But when it suited my purpose I pushed you to do the magics." He stared at the Witch.
"Can either of you ever forgive me?" He asked plaintively.
"Yes Xander, it's all past." Willow answered, and Buffy chimed in, "That's what friends do."
XXXXXXXXXXXXXX
More to come, this is hard to put in the right order. Who should be next under the spotlight?
Author: Verinthalia
Chapter 4: Human weaknesses.
Rated pg-13
Author's note: This fic is my own personal view of things that were left unfinished unaddressed and unsolved. This is not a relationship driven story. It is a look into the fallacies, weaknesses and errors made by the entire cast of characters. I feel like after 7 years they should be mature enough to face their own inner demons and deal with it.
The Wards cast by Willow are indeed like Novocain. I can and do feel every cut, every pass of the drill or scalpel the oral surgeon makes in my mouth, but the nerve endings are numbed so that I don't thrash and scream in pain. But believe me I feel it all later in a subdued way, when the anesthesia wears off and my wounds throb. *****
When we left Xander was facing his own errors, and weaknesses**********
" Xander I'm not trying to attack you, but you need to realize the pain you've caused me. I've forgiven you for all of it but I want to understand it, and I think Buffy feels the same way." Willow softly spoke.
"Oh God Will. I just want what's right for my girls." Xander stammered.
" We are NOT your girls." Buffy snapped. " We are grown women, we have every right to live our lives as we see fit. Not be judged and condemned by you."
"He said you'd say that." He replied.
"Did the first come to you?" Willow asked.
"Not really appear, but I started to have dreams about Jessie. He and I would talk. He tried to make me angry with both of you, to fill me with doubts. He said you both were just keeping me around as a jester, someone you could use and laugh at." He squirmed in his chair.
" The last time I dreamed about him, he said that you were through with me, and if I . if I left you, I'd be nothing more than a light snack for the First, that it would devour me. My only chance to survive was if you two would save me, but then I'd always be your whipping boy. I'd never be a real man" He hung his head.
"The fight wasn't mine and I was a fool to stick around and risk my neck for you after all did you really need me?"
"He said my dad was right I was a waste of skin, an imbecile, a cosmic joke. I'd never amount to anything but a dumb grunt. My place in hell is reserved. I murdered 16 people with that dumb spell I did to call Sweet."
He rubbed his one good eye and continued. " I've lived the last seven years so quick to judge and blame you both when something went wrong, but what did I ever do. I put you both on a pedestal, and then gave you so much grief when you stumbled like any human does. I saw everything in black and white no gray for me, but it's funny"
He took a deep breath, " Losing an eye effects more that you depth perception, I see so much more clearly now. I was never good enough for either of you, or for Anya. She may have been a little rough around the edges with the social graces thing, but she was always honest, just like Spike"
"Maybe, we need to be a little more demonic in the way we deal with each other, not pad the truth. But face it head on, admit what we think and feel. Then we wouldn't keep tripping over the elephants."
He took a sip of coffee, " I've been so unfair to you guys. I tried to make you behave the way I wanted. I pushed you and held back things that you should have known. I always counted on you to cover my ass when I screwed up. I doubted your decisions. I though I knew more then you did, I could see better than you when you made what I saw as a wrong choice."
He sat up straight and laid his hands flat on the tabletop looking at both Buffy and Willow. " I went off halfcocked using magic and both times I did more damage than Willow has ever done. Giles saved my butt with the 'Love Spell', and then Buffy and Spike covered me when I called up Sweet."
He shuddered lightly before he continued. " How can I call myself your friend? I knew what was causing all the singing and dancing but I never spoke up. I stood and watched as you danced and danced, starting to smoke and burn. It was the 'Demon' that saved you. I helped pull you back to this world, for my own selfish reasons. I couldn't face a world without you. I felt as if I couldn't have you then at least I could be part of your life"
He sobbed, " Spike was right. He said magic always has consequences. Dawn you and Buffy need to know he tried to bring flowers when Joyce died, but I wouldn't let him. I accused him of using her death to get close to Buffy."
"God I was so unfair to Anya, she knew deep down that she was my second choice. And she accepted it. She loved me that much. See Jessie made me see myself for what I am. Anya was right. I'm a scared lonely little kid. I tag along with you. Knowing that you'll cover for me. That I can always cop out with the I'm only a poor human carpenter crap"
He turned slightly and faced Willow, " Please forgive me. I've used you as my security blanket. I knew whatever I did, however I screwed up, you would be there. You were my first and best friend. You love or is it loved me. I could muck it up so bad but you'd still see me as damn near perfect. I never thought about returning that trust. I doubted you and judged you so fast and so wrong."
"I let you carry the guilt and blame. I stood by and never once questioned you when we resurrected Buffy. But deep down I knew I should have spoken. The rational part was gagged by the selfish part. Then I stood by and ignored the pain you were in, just like I ignored Willows pain when Oz left."
He chuckled lightly, " You know I just realized that Spike and Anya both saw us a we really are. He warned us one to not listen to him we might 'get a little truth on' us."
"I just wanted the good stuff the fun and glory, I ran and hide from the pain of life. From the pain I caused. If either of you made a choice I didn't agree with I was so quick to naysay, to disagree, then if it did go wrong I was so loud and proud to crow 'I told you so'. Willow, I always blamed you first if something went wrong like invisible Buffy, or the Gnarl. But when it suited my purpose I pushed you to do the magics." He stared at the Witch.
"Can either of you ever forgive me?" He asked plaintively.
"Yes Xander, it's all past." Willow answered, and Buffy chimed in, "That's what friends do."
XXXXXXXXXXXXXX
More to come, this is hard to put in the right order. Who should be next under the spotlight?