CHAPTER FIVE
The word 'pseudonym' is a word that means the same thing as the word 'alias', which means the same thing as the words 'false name'. Sadly, all of these unpleasant words appear in this book(for, if you noticed, they just did), and some of them may, horrifically, appear more than once. An associate of mine once used a pseudonym-or alias, or false name if you prefer. The reason he was using a pseudonym-or alias, or false name if you prefer-was not criminal. In fact, he was using a pseudonym-or alias, or false name if you prefer-because he was writing a secret message to a woman dressed as a cucumber, and, in case it fell into the wrong hands-for example, the hands of the man disguised as a large loaf of whole wheat bread-he did not want to be recognized as the writer of the message. That man is now dead.
However, in this story, the vile, evil man who is using a pseudonym-or alias, or false name if you prefer-is doing so for criminal reasons. And, sadly, like most of my enemies and unlike most of my (former) associates, this man is not dead. This man's name is Count Ojar. Or, at least, this is his pseudonym-or alias, or false name if you prefer-and, as of yet, I have not been able to discover his true name. Some say he is actually Count Ofar, the foul criminal. However, I have inquired about this, and so far have been laughed at for thinking that chickens can be lawbreakers. If one of the Beausinclair children had been present, however, they would have correctly corrected this incorrect use of the word "foul"-which here means "dastardly", or "awful", instead of "chicken".
It just so happens that this evil man who used a pseudonym-or alias, or false name if you prefer-for criminal reasons was the Beausinclair orphans' new guardian.
"Hello, orphans," Count Ojar repeated. The Beausinclair siblings slowly turned to face the speaker.
Standing before Vivian, Klyde, and Sandra was one of the most frightening men they had ever seen. Count Ojar was tall, slim, and smelled of fish. His hair was oily black and slicked down. He had a long, pointy nose and talon-like hands. His thin arms were crossed along his chest. "I believe I said hello, orphans, now it is your turn."
Ten seconds passed before anyone spoke. Then Vivian managed to say something. "He-hello, Count Ojar."
"There, that's better. But who said I was Count Ojar?" the wicked man, who was really Count Ojar, replied. The children let out a sigh of relief, thinking that this frightening man was not their new guardian after all. Of course, they were wrong.
"You mean, you're...you're not our new guardian?" Klyde asked. The evil count recognized the relief in his voice and frowned. He did not respond, but simply gestured towards the door of his house, or, to more accurately describe it, the door of his Dark Dungeon of Death That Slightly Resembled A House. The orphans, without saying another word, marched towards the door. Vivian turned the handle, which was notably greasy, and opened the door.
The Beausinclairs' first thoughts as they entered Count Ojar's house( or Count Ojar's Dark Dungeon of Death That Slightly Resembled A House) were all the same. They were thinking that the house(or Dark Dungeon of Death)looked just as bad on the inside as it did on the outside. Their second thoughts were all the same also. However, this thought was contradictory-a word which here means "the opposite"-to their first thought. They were now thinking that the inside of the house(or Dark Dungeon of Death)looked even worse than the outside.
The wallpaper was torn off the wall in many spots, and in those spots were it wasn't there were stains from sauces and other unidentified liquids. A lot of the furniture was overturned, and rotting food was everywhere. The sink was full of piles of unwashed dishes, some stacked as high as the ceiling. The house(or Dark Dungeon of Death) also had a heavy, awful odor. Then the Beausinclair children realized the smell was not coming from the house, but rather Count Ojar himself, who was standing right behind them.
"Something wrong, orphans?" he asked, awaiting an answer.
"Renovodor" Sandra said, which meant something like, "Yes, this house needs redecorating and you need a bath," but Vivian and Klyde, who were the only people who could understand Sandra's language, did not dare translate this to the count.
"What Sandra means," Vivian hurriedly lied, "is that she is wondering where Count Ojar is. We all are."
"I am Count Ojar, you foolish orphans," the wicked man replied.
"You mean...you lied?" Klyde demanded.
"I didn't lie, orphan. I never said I was Count Ojar, I was just asking you if anyone said I was."
"Oh," Klyde whispered, realizing the count was right, and also realizing that he and his siblings may have to live with this cruel, wicked, and odorous man for the rest of their lives. However, this was not the case.
***
Twenty minutes later, after being shown around the house(or Dark Dungeon of Death) and seeing things so awfully horrible that it is impossible for me to describe them, the siblings were in their new bedroom, which was rather the size a closet and had no windows, and they were unpacking. Actually, there was nothing to unpack, just as their had been nothing to pack, but this seemed to have slipped by Count Ojar, just as it had slipped by Mr. Snow.
Once the children were done 'unpacking' they decided to try to take a nap. There were no beds in the room, so this was rather difficult. In fact, there wasn't any furniture at all, so there was just enough space for all of them to lie on the floor. It took them a while to get to sleep, almost a half of an hour. Moments after they had dozed off, Count Ojar burst into the room.
"Get up, orphans. You've slept long enough," the count said. Of course, the Beausinclairs had only been sleeping for a few minutes, but their villainous guardian neither knew nor cared. "I've decided my walls need painting, and that I'm not going to be the one who paints them. You are." The Beausinclairs gave a sleepy groan. They realized that, compared to Count Ojar's house(or Count Ojar's Dark Dungeon of Death That Slightly Resembled A House) , living with Mr. Snow didn't seem like such a bad idea after all.