III:
She saw him coming around the corner from her spot in the booth, and let out a low exhale of breath: boy, he looked far better than she remembered. Either that or she had selective memory. He was wearing blue jeans, a charcoal button down, and what looked to be tan boots, and she tried not to appear suspicious as she straightened her own clothing in anticipation of Barba's arrival – hoping that she'd gotten off all the flecks of blood earlier from the mishap in interrogation and that she looked presentable enough.
It had been a while since she'd actually cared.
Liv stood up and caught his eye, waving him over. He smiled at the server and gestured before crossing the diner and plopping into the booth. "Sorry, I'm running a little slow," Rafael said with a small smile. "Oh, coffee – thought you said it was…"
She shrugged and said, "The decaf is slightly less like sludge and more drinkable."
"Yes, but without caffeine." His smile faded. "By the way, I feel like you only said yes to this because you didn't have anything better to do –"
"Oh, I have laundry to do," she teased with a wicked grin. "But I happen to like pie and coffee more than loading the coin slot of my building's shitty machines."
"Detective, I am wounded," he scoffed, placing his hand over his heart. "To be fair, I like pie better than doing the laundry myself," Rafael admitted in a conspiratorial tone. "Of course, it shows, doesn't it?"
"Not too much," she retorted with a smirk, giving his ego the satisfaction that she'd been looking and hadn't found him too lacking. "Anyway… I owe you an apology."
His brow creased. "For… what?"
"I was pretty rude the night we met and I shouldn't have taken any of my frustrations out on you," she said very softly. "So, I'm glad you called so I can give you pie and say I'm sorry."
"It's fine," he dismissed with a small smile. "I just hope things have gotten better for you in the meanwhile."
She hesitated, then said, "Have they gotten better for you?"
"Oh, I've found love with a flexible yoga instructor named Tony who lives in my building," he replied with a wink. "But my mother thinks it's not going to last."
"I'm inclined to agree with your mother," Liv said. The waitress came around and Liv said, "Can we get a deep-dish apple pie and a traditional cherry pie both with whipped cream?" She glanced over at him. "I went out with someone from Major Crimes last week and he turned out to like his steak well done."
"What a heathen," Rafael said, wrinkling his nose. "I hope you sent him packing."
She paused, frowning for a moment, not wanting to dwell in the memories. "Of course."
"So you were having a rough day when you sent me packing?"
Liv took a sip of her coffee and grimaced before she reached for the sugar. "A rough week," she amended. "I found out I was pregnant and my ex flipped his shit and walked out. One of my favorite coworkers retired. I had a miscarriage. My brother got mixed up in some shit and I had to send him bail money down to New Mexico because I was still in the hospital with complications. And then after I got back to work and everything looked like it might settle down, we caught a case that ended up with a dead teenager and her uncle molesting her. I met this guy in a bar who wouldn't stop talking and I just wanted to punch him in the face." She smiled sadly over at him. "TMI?"
"That would be a lot for anybody," he said. "Are you okay?"
She shrugged. "I don't know. I get through it most days."
"And the others?"
"I wonder why he didn't just kill me," Liv admitted very quietly. She couldn't meet his gaze, for fear of the worry and pity she would see there, so she picked at a paper napkin instead.
Two plates clattered to the table in front of her and she still didn't look up, terrified he would be judging her for all of her failings. She knew she wasn't strong enough to shoulder the world all of the time, but to be honest and show vulnerability to someone else – let alone a stranger – was enough to unsettle her completely.
"Olivia…"
She was startled to hear the emotion in his voice, lifted her head, tucked her hair back behind her ear, her lips trembling as she took in the sight of him on the verge of tears.
"Oh god, don't you start," Liv joked lamely, sniffling. "Bad enough I cry all the time –"
"You don't understand – I was supposed to be the co-chair for his initial trial," Rafael said.
She hesitated for a long moment, his words cutting her, but then her rational mind took over. "It's okay," Liv assured him. "You wouldn't have gotten a conviction anyway. He had it rigged."
"I could have tried –"
"It wouldn't have mattered," she said, shaking her head. "Why did you pull out of the trial?"
"My grandmother… she had an aneurysm," he said. "And died a few hours after getting to the hospital. There was nothing to be done."
"You were right where you needed to be," Liv said softly. "It's fine, Barba." She pushed the cherry pie in his direction. "Besides… what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, right?" She viciously stabbed at the apple pie with her fork, then added, "I don't blame you. The only person I blame is William Lewis."
"But –"
"Just shut up and eat your pie," she instructed. "I'm sure you have a hot date with Tony the yoga instructor."
He took a bite of cherry pie, then said, "Actually, I don't. He doesn't exist: I made him up to get my mother off my back."
"You lie to your mother?" she asked, raising an eyebrow. "What are you, six?"
"If you knew her, you'd understand," he said, rolling his eyes.
She smiled a little. "So she's all up in your face because you're not settled down with a nice girl, popping out grandbabies?"
He made a face. "Something like that."
"And you play up the gay for her benefit?"
"Nah, men really are easier to date," he said with a shrug. He glanced up at her for a moment, then said, "But I'm up for a challenge."
"Are you implying I'm Everest?"
"If the shoe fits."
"Was that your way of obliquely asking me out?" she inquired.
He shrugged his shoulders and said, "Didn't think you would be that receptive."
"I can be persuaded with food." Her response surprised even her. What was it about this man – this annoying man in particular – that had her ready to put in some effort? He wasn't her usual type. Yes, he was quick-witted and sassy in a good way, funny and handsome, built solidly in that way she knew he would put some serious moves on in bed if they ever got that far… but was she ready to try again?
"Oh good," he said. "I like a woman who isn't afraid to eat." He was grinning at her then, challenge accepted, and she felt her heart flip in her chest. "The last couple of women I took out picked at salads and whined about calories."
"No worries about that here," Liv declared, finishing off her pie. "I was going to get Chinese tonight but might grab a dollar slice on the way home instead. Got the early shift tomorrow."
"Work weekends often?"
"Every other," she said.
"So dinner next Saturday?"
"Why wait? I'm off Monday night." She paused. "Unless you're busy –"
"I have a deposition Tuesday morning, but as long as we're not out too late," he said. "I guess it's a date."
"I guess I need your number then," she said.
"Give me your phone," he instructed. She passed it over and when he gave it back, his contact information had been saved. "You really don't blame me for –"
"No," she said softly. "I don't."
"Good: otherwise that would be a terrible start to a beautiful thing," he said with a lop-sided grin. "You have any preferences for Monday?"
"No offal," Liv said. "And nothing too heavily spiced. Other than that, I'm open to trying anything. I probably won't have time to change, though, so maybe not fancy."
"Oh no, business casual," he assured her. "I know you hate being touched, but it feels a little odd not to seal it with at least a hug or something."
She hesitated just a moment before she got up and met him for an embrace that left her nerve endings screaming from the conflicting signals. Before she could stop herself from the impulsive motion, she pressed a kiss to the corner of his mouth, then pulled away entirely.
He stood there, dazed, blinking, then he said, "Oh… I –"
"Sorry," she murmured, grabbing her purse and jacket. "I need to go." She flung down more than enough money to cover their tab and pushed past him before he could stop her. Once out on the street, Liv could finally breathe again – the irony not lost on her.
She made her way home quickly, eager to get into a safe place where she felt at ease again and could relax. She had gone far beyond her boundaries and now it was time to breathe. It wasn't until much later in the night that Liv realized that Rafael had texted her, clearly worried that he had upset her.
We can postpone if Monday is too soon.
She didn't want to postpone. She wanted to get it over with. She wanted to see if the bubbly effervescence in her veins was just because he was handsome… or if there was actual sizzle behind it. But to do that, she had to suck it up and let him touch her.
Which meant being comfortable enough with him to get close.
And that wasn't just one date.
Oh no.
That was a relationship.
That was a daunting prospect because Liv wasn't sure she had casual left in her.
Her thumb hovered over the screen, then typed out a message. I'm really looking forward to it.
Me too.
For the first time in a long time, Olivia went to sleep that night anticipating getting up in the morning instead of dreading it.
"Slow day, kid?" Munch asked, holding up a bag and a drinks carrier from her favorite deli. "Don't worry – I told them not to skimp on the extra banana peppers on yours."
"John, you're an angel," Liv said with a grin. "You didn't have anything to do today except stop by and pester me? Not that I mind – it is a slow day. I'm just catching up on paperwork and hanging around in case we catch a case. It's Nick's weekend with Zara and Fin is off god knows where. Rollins is here but…" She shrugged.
"I already gave her some food," Munch replied. "She was going to go eat in the courtyard and have a smoke. Something about you stressing her out."
Liv rolled her eyes. "Just because I reminded her that we're digitizing all of the files so her writing needs to be legible –"
"Olivia." Munch looked at her sternly. "Be real."
"I can't read her writing – it's worse than yours," she complained, plucking the iced tea out of the carrier and glaring at him. "Sit down."
"If you're going to keep going up the chain of command, you need to learn how to nudge people instead of knee-capping them," he said. "Except Fin. He needs a swift kick to the balls."
She laughed as he passed over her sandwich. "What actually brings you in on this fine Sunday afternoon?"
He shrugged. "Just wanted to check in and make sure you're okay."
"Why wouldn't I be?" she asked.
He paused as he casually unwrapped his pastrami. "The news about Cassidy?"
"Brian Cassidy is no longer a part of my life," she reminded him. "He made that very clear when he fucked off."
"He's gone to Florida, so if there was ever a time to get rid of the last of his stuff, now would be it," Munch advised. "Or at least put it in storage."
"What makes you think I didn't already send his shit to him at the Bronx Courthouse via bike messenger?" she shot back. "Nick might have taken the leather jacket and threatened to knock some sense into him. I'd pay money for that surveillance tape, honestly." Liv smiled wanly. "Look… I'm done with Brian. He left and I had to get over it."
"You okay?"
She shrugged. "Good days and bad days. But why waste my bad days on someone who made them that much worse? His support was barely any at all." She took a bite of her sandwich and chewed thoughtfully. "I don't know if I stayed with him because it was comfortable or because it was less effort to stay in the relationship than take the hit of ending it."
"You make him sound like the asshole in the relationship."
"Oh, no, I was definitely the asshole," she said quietly. "I wasn't happy and never said so. I wanted more and he wanted… less." She shrugged and went back in for more food. "But I'm not the one that left without a word."
"That was an asshole move."
She shrugged. "He's gone now. It's over. And his mother can deal with him." Liv flashed a little smile at her former co-worker. "Anyway, I'm pretty sure a slow day today means tomorrow is going to be absolutely bonkers and I'll have to cancel dinner."
Munch leaned in, crunching on a chip. "Dinner? You tell Fin or Amaro?"
"Hell no. They'll follow us," she scoffed. "Make sure I get from point A to point B without incident. They want me to carry a panic button still. You thought Stabler was overprotective –"
"You were kidnapped and assaulted," Munch reminded her darkly. "This guy, how much do you know about him?"
She took a sip of tea from her straw and said, "I looked him up. He's an ADA in Brooklyn with their homicide division – just closed the DeMille case. He's not a crazed axe murderer or anything, just seems to be your average lawyer with a big mouth."
Munch's eyes narrowed a little. "You talking about Greg Kline or Rafael Barba?"
"Barba – why?"
His lips pursed together and she couldn't tell for a minute what he was going to say. "I mean, it's a surprise turn of events, really," Munch said. "You do realize Barba's gayer than a maypole in June, right?"
"Am I not allowed to have friends outside of work?" she challenged.
"I mean… unlikely," Munch teased. "Seriously, though, you think you're ready for –"
She shrugged. "I'm not ready for anything," Liv said softly. "But if I don't push myself, how am I going to get past any of this? How am I going to be able to look at myself in the mirror and not hate what I see? It's just dinner, John: we all have to eat."
And with that she went back to her sandwich, hoping he didn't notice her anxious deflection. The truth being what it was, she didn't know what she wanted. Her emotions were always in turmoil with her logical brain, tangled in a fight or flight that never quite went away – always hypervigilant, always keeping her on the edge of something she didn't want to look at too closely. Being alone meant she could attempt to control those feelings, but at the cost of what felt like the entirety of her humanity.
All she wanted was someone to feel close to. Someone who wanted to feel close to her, not because she needed them, but because they cared enough to be there and accepted her for all her flaws and imperfections and all of the suffering she was still fighting her way through.
No one was that strong or selfless; certainly not Brian Cassidy. She didn't blame him for turning tail and running. For not wanting to be shackled to her and a baby with the turmoil she had faced – still faced. The fact that she had lost the baby was irrelevant. That he had left to preserve his own sanity in the face of her shattered misery wasn't lost on Liv. And while she had blamed him at first, howling and hating and hurting, now she understood.
She wasn't even strong enough to deal with her own pain, let alone ask someone else to hold the jagged fragments of her heart and soul in the palm of their hands.
But she would try to live a life on her terms again.
TBC...