This time, Doctor Steve was sitting on the couch. It looked like he was taking a nap.
"Ummm, excuse me?" I said, a little peeved. He was sleeping, and he was supposed to be working!
"Oh, sorry Ashley. Things have been busy around here, what with you having an emergency and all. I did some overtime so I could stick around you, and I'm sorta tired."
"And what, I'm supposed to feel sorry for you? You can go home right now, for all I'll care," I told him. "At least you can go home," I muttered under my breath.
"No, you're not supposed to feel sorry for me. And anyways, it's not my fault you can't go home. I didn't hurt you, you hurt you."
"Go to hell. You don't understand at all."
"Then explain it to me. Tell me why a girl whose family and friends told me she seemed happy would hurt herself. Tell me why someone hurts them self."
"Only if you tell me how you became so annoying."
"Ok, we'll trade stories. I'll start," he responded, completely serious. I was a little surprised; I hadn't expected him to agree, but I kept the surprise out of my face as he started talking. "I'm annoying because we're trained in college of how to get some people to talk to us. However, in your case, the whole 'being an annoying jerk' routine doesn't work. It only makes you clam up. Now, I'm hoping that if I'm honest with you, you'll be honest with me. But the annoying part of my personality is really just taught to us in school. I'm honestly not this annoying outside of work. My wife even likes me," he joked. I relaxed a little.
"Well, you're right about one thing, I won't talk to you if you annoy the hell out of me."
"Glad I know that. But anyways, now its your turn."
"Ah, that's right, you want to know why I'm hurting myself. Well, tell me something, why aren't you hurting yourself?"
"Answering a question with a question. A classic shrink technique. I'm impressed Ash. Lets see, I suppose I don't hurt myself because the idea never occurred to me as a way to solve problems," he told me seriously.
"How do you solve your problems then?"
"Hey, I'm supposed to be asking the question," he joked. "I suppose I solve my problems by talking them out to my wife. Yeah, I do a lot of talking to solve problems. I also have a journal, which helps when I don't want to talk. If they problem's really huge, like death, I'd cry, and that'd make me feel better."
"Well, I have no one to talk to. I'd never keep a journal where anyone could find it and read it. And I don't cry, ever. For lack of a better solution, I hurt myself. It makes me feel better, like talking makes you feel better. And how you can tell me that one is better than the other is beyond me."
"I can tell you one is better than the other because one caused you to almost die a few hours ago. To be honest, if Lori and Brad hadn't found you, you'd probably be dead. This of course, may not faze you, but it fazed Brad and Lori. They're both upset over what you did. But I'm off topic. You don't have a better solution for your problems than cutting?"
"Nope. I honestly don't know of a better solution."
"Well, that answered my question. And now, our time is up. Actually, we weren't supposed to have any time, but I stayed a little longer to talk. Tomorrow, we talk for much longer. I'm sure you can't wait."
"My cup runneth over," I responded, my voice dripping with sarcasm.
"Well, in that case. Be in my office right after lunch at 1 o'clock. At 4 o'clock, you'll attend your first Group meeting. Its okay if you don't talk a lot then; just try to get used to everyone. You'll see Lori there, and Brad. After dinner, at 8 o'clock, I'm going to want to talk to you again. So, you can plan that for tomorrow. And for many tomorrows to come. Sound good?"
"No, being at home sitting on my couch eating a bowl of ice cream sounds good. What you just said sounds tolerable."
"I can live with tolerable. See you tomorrow," he said as I headed out of the room.
It was nearly 10:30 so I headed to bed. I changed into my PJ's and was going to say goodnight to Lori, but she was already sleeping. Actually, she was pretending to sleep, and I knew it, but if she didn't want to talk to me, that was fine. Doctor Steve had said she was upset. Maybe she just wasn't in the mood for talking.
I climbed into bed, switched off the light, and for the first time in what seemed like ages, I feel asleep quickly.
"Ummm, excuse me?" I said, a little peeved. He was sleeping, and he was supposed to be working!
"Oh, sorry Ashley. Things have been busy around here, what with you having an emergency and all. I did some overtime so I could stick around you, and I'm sorta tired."
"And what, I'm supposed to feel sorry for you? You can go home right now, for all I'll care," I told him. "At least you can go home," I muttered under my breath.
"No, you're not supposed to feel sorry for me. And anyways, it's not my fault you can't go home. I didn't hurt you, you hurt you."
"Go to hell. You don't understand at all."
"Then explain it to me. Tell me why a girl whose family and friends told me she seemed happy would hurt herself. Tell me why someone hurts them self."
"Only if you tell me how you became so annoying."
"Ok, we'll trade stories. I'll start," he responded, completely serious. I was a little surprised; I hadn't expected him to agree, but I kept the surprise out of my face as he started talking. "I'm annoying because we're trained in college of how to get some people to talk to us. However, in your case, the whole 'being an annoying jerk' routine doesn't work. It only makes you clam up. Now, I'm hoping that if I'm honest with you, you'll be honest with me. But the annoying part of my personality is really just taught to us in school. I'm honestly not this annoying outside of work. My wife even likes me," he joked. I relaxed a little.
"Well, you're right about one thing, I won't talk to you if you annoy the hell out of me."
"Glad I know that. But anyways, now its your turn."
"Ah, that's right, you want to know why I'm hurting myself. Well, tell me something, why aren't you hurting yourself?"
"Answering a question with a question. A classic shrink technique. I'm impressed Ash. Lets see, I suppose I don't hurt myself because the idea never occurred to me as a way to solve problems," he told me seriously.
"How do you solve your problems then?"
"Hey, I'm supposed to be asking the question," he joked. "I suppose I solve my problems by talking them out to my wife. Yeah, I do a lot of talking to solve problems. I also have a journal, which helps when I don't want to talk. If they problem's really huge, like death, I'd cry, and that'd make me feel better."
"Well, I have no one to talk to. I'd never keep a journal where anyone could find it and read it. And I don't cry, ever. For lack of a better solution, I hurt myself. It makes me feel better, like talking makes you feel better. And how you can tell me that one is better than the other is beyond me."
"I can tell you one is better than the other because one caused you to almost die a few hours ago. To be honest, if Lori and Brad hadn't found you, you'd probably be dead. This of course, may not faze you, but it fazed Brad and Lori. They're both upset over what you did. But I'm off topic. You don't have a better solution for your problems than cutting?"
"Nope. I honestly don't know of a better solution."
"Well, that answered my question. And now, our time is up. Actually, we weren't supposed to have any time, but I stayed a little longer to talk. Tomorrow, we talk for much longer. I'm sure you can't wait."
"My cup runneth over," I responded, my voice dripping with sarcasm.
"Well, in that case. Be in my office right after lunch at 1 o'clock. At 4 o'clock, you'll attend your first Group meeting. Its okay if you don't talk a lot then; just try to get used to everyone. You'll see Lori there, and Brad. After dinner, at 8 o'clock, I'm going to want to talk to you again. So, you can plan that for tomorrow. And for many tomorrows to come. Sound good?"
"No, being at home sitting on my couch eating a bowl of ice cream sounds good. What you just said sounds tolerable."
"I can live with tolerable. See you tomorrow," he said as I headed out of the room.
It was nearly 10:30 so I headed to bed. I changed into my PJ's and was going to say goodnight to Lori, but she was already sleeping. Actually, she was pretending to sleep, and I knew it, but if she didn't want to talk to me, that was fine. Doctor Steve had said she was upset. Maybe she just wasn't in the mood for talking.
I climbed into bed, switched off the light, and for the first time in what seemed like ages, I feel asleep quickly.