I headed down the hallway to Doctor Steve's office. I was there a few minutes early (probably because I didn't eat much lunch) so I grabbed a seat near the door. I was sort of hoping (ok, so it was really wrong of me) that I could hear some of the conversation that was going on with someone else in his office. It wasn't that I wanted to spy on that person or anything, I just wanted to know what he talked about with other people. Maybe it would warn me, so I could plan out what to say when those questions came up.
Unfortunately, the door must have been really thick or something, because I couldn't hear a word of the conversation. A few minutes later, Lori walked out. I was a little surprised, because I didn't know she would see him during lunch. I figured maybe she had to eat with him or something.
I was still sort of mad at her, so I wasn't going to talk to her. However, that turned out to not be much of a problem. The moment she saw me, she ducked her head, and turned away from me to hide her face. But I saw what she didn't want me to see; she had been crying.
That sort of threw me; Lori seemed so hard that I couldn't imagine her wanting to cry about anything. But I didn't have much time to think about that, because Doctor Steve opened the door, and told me to come in.
"So, what's new Ash?" he asked me, as he closed the door.
"I had a fight with Lori. It was mostly my fault though. She was just trying to be nice, and I yelled at her anyways. I don't know."
"Why did you yell at her?"
"I guess I don't really have a reason. I mostly just wanted to be left alone. I didn't really want to talk to her."
"And so you yelled at her?"
"Well, maybe it was more than that, I don't know."
"What do you mean, more?" Doctor Steve asked me, curious.
"I don't know! Maybe, I yelled at her for a different reason than just because I wanted to be left alone. Maybe I don't want to make any friends here, okay? Maybe my friends back at home are perfectly good. Just because they haven't come to see me even once doesn't mean we aren't friends anymore. Maybe I don't need any more friends to desert me. Or maybe, making friends here just means I have to stay a long time. People only need friends in places if they're planning on staying for a while. Maybe that's what I meant by more, huh?" I was yelling at him by that time. I didn't know why I was so angry.
"Ash, why don't you sit down for a minute," Doctor Steve suggested to me, pointing at the chair. At least the man had finally gotten the hint that I was not going to lay on his stupid couch. So I sat. He pulled his rolling office chair from behind his desk, and rolled it over to where I was. "Ash, first things first. Your friends want to visit you, I promise. I keep getting angry phone calls from a girl named Ellie and a boy named Marco, who wants to see you. And that's to say nothing about the demands I'm receiving from your family to let them see you."
"Well, if they want to see me, then why don't they just come see me?" I asked, my voice hard.
"Because I won't let them," he answered simply.
"What do you mean, you won't let them?"
"As your doctor, it's my job to decide whether or not you should receive certain privileges. Visitors fall under the category of privileges, and I don't think you're ready to see anyone just yet."
"Why not?"
"For the second reason you said you snapped at Lori. You keep believing that you'll be out of here in a few days. You're treating this like a stay in a hotel, rather than being in the hospital. I'm worried that seeing your friends is only going to increase how much you want to go home, and that you'll never get any help here."
"But…but…I don't want to be here for long! I want to go home. I miss my family, and I really miss my friends! You don't understand. In one night, I was taken away from everything and everyone I know, and put…put here! Where no one cares! Everyone here is just existing. I want to go back home where people cared, and they weren't 'all for one'. My friends cared about me. Even if…even if they did…" I trailed off. That thought still hurt.
"Even if what?"
"Nothing, never mind."
"Come on Ash, tell me," Doctor Steve demanded.
"Even if they wanted to get rid of me!" I yelled. "Are you happy now? I said it! They didn't love me enough to keep me around. At the first chance they got, they told my parents and stuck me here."
"Ash, you have it backwards. They loved you enough to get you help. I talked to them; it was so incredibly difficult for them to know that what they said would take you away from them. But they knew they couldn't make you better, and they knew that being here could, so they told your parents, and talked to me."
"They…they talked to you?" I asked, and he nodded. "Well…ummm, what did they say?"
"They were crying, Ash. They felt like they had betrayed you. Marco didn't feel quite as bad as Ellie did. Marco knew that you needed help. His brother used to be a cutter. But he was so concerned for you life. And Ellie was a mess. Sobbing all over the place, saying she betrayed you. She felt worthless. But she told me that she knew she couldn't fix you; she couldn't make you 'all better'. Ellie told me that even if what she did ruined your friendship, she had to get you help. I talked to them for a few hours, they were that upset. I didn't want to send either of them home when they were so upset. And as soon as Ellie stopped crying, the first words out of her mouth were 'When can I see her?' They both really care a lot for you."
"Well, then why won't you let me see them? I swear, I won't want to go home anymore."
"Ash, I know you can't control wanting to go home. So I'm sorry, but I can't let your friends or family come to visit. That's just the way it is for the time being."
"That's not fair!!" I screamed at him. "You don't even care about me. All you care about is your stupid paycheck! Go to hell!" I opened the door of his office, and ran out, slamming the door behind me. A few seconds later, I heard him calling to me to wait, but I kept running. I found a stairwell, and sat under it, crying.
Unfortunately, the door must have been really thick or something, because I couldn't hear a word of the conversation. A few minutes later, Lori walked out. I was a little surprised, because I didn't know she would see him during lunch. I figured maybe she had to eat with him or something.
I was still sort of mad at her, so I wasn't going to talk to her. However, that turned out to not be much of a problem. The moment she saw me, she ducked her head, and turned away from me to hide her face. But I saw what she didn't want me to see; she had been crying.
That sort of threw me; Lori seemed so hard that I couldn't imagine her wanting to cry about anything. But I didn't have much time to think about that, because Doctor Steve opened the door, and told me to come in.
"So, what's new Ash?" he asked me, as he closed the door.
"I had a fight with Lori. It was mostly my fault though. She was just trying to be nice, and I yelled at her anyways. I don't know."
"Why did you yell at her?"
"I guess I don't really have a reason. I mostly just wanted to be left alone. I didn't really want to talk to her."
"And so you yelled at her?"
"Well, maybe it was more than that, I don't know."
"What do you mean, more?" Doctor Steve asked me, curious.
"I don't know! Maybe, I yelled at her for a different reason than just because I wanted to be left alone. Maybe I don't want to make any friends here, okay? Maybe my friends back at home are perfectly good. Just because they haven't come to see me even once doesn't mean we aren't friends anymore. Maybe I don't need any more friends to desert me. Or maybe, making friends here just means I have to stay a long time. People only need friends in places if they're planning on staying for a while. Maybe that's what I meant by more, huh?" I was yelling at him by that time. I didn't know why I was so angry.
"Ash, why don't you sit down for a minute," Doctor Steve suggested to me, pointing at the chair. At least the man had finally gotten the hint that I was not going to lay on his stupid couch. So I sat. He pulled his rolling office chair from behind his desk, and rolled it over to where I was. "Ash, first things first. Your friends want to visit you, I promise. I keep getting angry phone calls from a girl named Ellie and a boy named Marco, who wants to see you. And that's to say nothing about the demands I'm receiving from your family to let them see you."
"Well, if they want to see me, then why don't they just come see me?" I asked, my voice hard.
"Because I won't let them," he answered simply.
"What do you mean, you won't let them?"
"As your doctor, it's my job to decide whether or not you should receive certain privileges. Visitors fall under the category of privileges, and I don't think you're ready to see anyone just yet."
"Why not?"
"For the second reason you said you snapped at Lori. You keep believing that you'll be out of here in a few days. You're treating this like a stay in a hotel, rather than being in the hospital. I'm worried that seeing your friends is only going to increase how much you want to go home, and that you'll never get any help here."
"But…but…I don't want to be here for long! I want to go home. I miss my family, and I really miss my friends! You don't understand. In one night, I was taken away from everything and everyone I know, and put…put here! Where no one cares! Everyone here is just existing. I want to go back home where people cared, and they weren't 'all for one'. My friends cared about me. Even if…even if they did…" I trailed off. That thought still hurt.
"Even if what?"
"Nothing, never mind."
"Come on Ash, tell me," Doctor Steve demanded.
"Even if they wanted to get rid of me!" I yelled. "Are you happy now? I said it! They didn't love me enough to keep me around. At the first chance they got, they told my parents and stuck me here."
"Ash, you have it backwards. They loved you enough to get you help. I talked to them; it was so incredibly difficult for them to know that what they said would take you away from them. But they knew they couldn't make you better, and they knew that being here could, so they told your parents, and talked to me."
"They…they talked to you?" I asked, and he nodded. "Well…ummm, what did they say?"
"They were crying, Ash. They felt like they had betrayed you. Marco didn't feel quite as bad as Ellie did. Marco knew that you needed help. His brother used to be a cutter. But he was so concerned for you life. And Ellie was a mess. Sobbing all over the place, saying she betrayed you. She felt worthless. But she told me that she knew she couldn't fix you; she couldn't make you 'all better'. Ellie told me that even if what she did ruined your friendship, she had to get you help. I talked to them for a few hours, they were that upset. I didn't want to send either of them home when they were so upset. And as soon as Ellie stopped crying, the first words out of her mouth were 'When can I see her?' They both really care a lot for you."
"Well, then why won't you let me see them? I swear, I won't want to go home anymore."
"Ash, I know you can't control wanting to go home. So I'm sorry, but I can't let your friends or family come to visit. That's just the way it is for the time being."
"That's not fair!!" I screamed at him. "You don't even care about me. All you care about is your stupid paycheck! Go to hell!" I opened the door of his office, and ran out, slamming the door behind me. A few seconds later, I heard him calling to me to wait, but I kept running. I found a stairwell, and sat under it, crying.