One warning for this part: a majorly evil cliffhanger, so you might want to wait a little for the next (and final) part (which should be up by the end of the week). If you dare (or are just too impatient *g*), go ahead and read it, I won't mind angry comments about the cliffhanger, and I look forward to hearing your speculations as to what's going to happen next.
Choosing Loyalties 2/2
It was the last week of school and all the seventh years were busy taking their NEWTS. It was a Wednesday afternoon and the last time Voldemort had summoned Severus had been that Sunday. Because Severus' presence at Hogwarts was required the entire week, the Dark Lord had not summoned him during this period the past three years, and so it wasn't remarkable he did not do so now. There was no reason to suspect anything out of the ordinary, but Severus knew better.
The past few months Voldemort had begun including Severus in his plans again, had revealed a little of his strategies for the upcoming battle. And it was this knowledge, together with Severus' affair with Harry, which Severus had kept hidden from Albus. The Headmaster still thought that Voldemort was only using the Potions master to gain information on Harry and as a fuck-toy. Severus didn't know why he'd kept this information hidden from Albus, whether out of resentment for Albus' manipulation or out of an earnest wavering of his loyalty to the Headmaster. Because Voldemort wasn't the man he'd been twenty years ago, and his plans did make sense to Severus.
Severus remembered Voldemort as he had been before that fateful Avada had rebounded and left him disembodied. He'd been cruel and megalomaniac, psychotic even. And to a degree he still was, he had lost none of his ruthless drive for power and immortality, but he had lost some of his impulsiveness and most importantly: his senseless sadism. He was still quick to use Cruciatus, but rarely unprovoked these past few years, and always to make a point. While in the past he had called for the eradication of Muggles, for their enslavement, he now desired total segregation. The Dark Lord had been unusually quiet until the beginning of Harry's seventh year. He had done research and talked with many of his followers, talked to many powerful wizards and witches to gain their support. Severus did not know the details, had been kept entirely in the dark, but he was now slowly beginning to see the results of Voldemort's careful planning.
This did not mean that Severus desired to see Voldemort succeed and gain power over all of wizarding Britain. Incompetent though Fudge and the Ministry might be the Aurors did not go around kidnapping and assassinating those who opposed them. After two and a half years of inactivity Voldemort had returned with a vengeance at the end of Harry's sixth year. Just before the Hogwarts Express had arrived at Platform 9 ¾ at the beginning of the holidays, Voldemort had swamped the station with Dementors. The train had had to return to Hogsmeade, and there was panic and pandemonium for days. A few Aurors had been kissed before the Dementors disappeared as mysteriously and suddenly as they had appeared, but there had been no further casualties and Severus doubted whether the Dark Lord had intended there to be. Voldemort had succeeded in gaining the wizarding world's attention: he was back and he was not to be underestimated.
There had been no large attacks like that again, but a number of key Ministry officials had disappeared or simply been assassinated, and everybody was holding their breath in suspense, waiting for Voldemort's next move. As the year progressed the Order of the Phoenix mobilized itself, focusing its attention on Hogwarts' defence. Severus had had to tell Albus what Voldemort's message to Harry had been, and with Harry's graduation nearing fast, and thus the asylum on Hogwarts ending soon, there was little doubt that whatever Voldemort planned to do, it would be happening soon.
It would be happening Friday night to be precise. Voldemort had summoned the entire inner circle that Sunday and unfolded his plans to attack Hogwarts. Severus knew that the others were busy preparing, gathering the Dark Lord's forces, ensuring the loyalty of the Dementors, vampires, werewolves, and other dark creatures he had gathered to his cause. Severus knew details of Voldemort's plan of attack, knew where the first strike was going to be, how they were going to bring down the anti-apparition wards. And yet he had told Albus nothing, had concealed this knowledge by taking advantage of the Headmaster's preoccupation with how the evening had ended: Severus on his knees, Severus on his back with his legs spread.
Severus would be summoned Friday afternoon, after all the exams had been taken. And upon his return that evening he was to secure Harry's safety during the attack. For while Voldemort was prepared to give Harry a choice on which side to take, at the same time he wanted to prevent Harry getting caught in the fighting. Severus' time to commit himself to one side was rapidly running out.
At the same time, Albus had not stayed still. He'd been working on a number of ways to defeat the Dark Lord, and he'd ordered Severus to devise a poison that would kill Voldemort and ensure he stayed dead this time. It was this poison that Severus was currently staring at as he slowly stirred it in a figure eight. It was done, a half year of study and trials and he had invented his most ingenious potion, most deadly and powerful poison, yet. Albus knew it was nearly done, knew it would be done before Severus was called again. The next time he was summoned he was to use it.
A bitter laugh crawled its way up Severus' throat, mirthless and dead. Voldemort's poisoner and Dumbledore's whore. Dumbledore's poisoner and Voldemort's whore. That was what his life had come to, that was all he had ever seemed to be. He'd had such plans, such ambition as a young man. To be the best in his field, to be respected, to be successful, and what was he now? A puppet, nothing more than a pawn in a conflict between two more powerful wizards. Useful, but in the end expendable. He didn't blame anyone else for his position, it had been his own, stupid, decisions that had led him down this path, put him in this situation.
He couldn't afford this indecision, but was unable to make a choice; both his masters' hold on him equal in strength. How could he make up his own mind when they had both trapped him in their spells and charm and promises?
Severus stirred one final time, then used his wand to raise the cauldron and pour its deadly contents into a flask. He sealed it with green wax and pressed his seal to it. After locking it away in a warded cupboard, he left his workrooms to oversee this year's Potions NEWTS.
That evening Harry slipped into his chambers as he usually did and they made love on the couch. Severus didn't want to talk, didn't want to think, just wanted to touch Harry and enjoy this as long as he could. Time was running out for him, for them, and he felt the threat acutely. Harry responded with equal passion and met Severus' desperation. Severus found himself clinging to Harry, urging him on faster, harder. Harry obliged and Severus knew he would have bruises on his hips from Harry's grip, but he didn't care, just tightened his legs and his arms around the young man and met him thrust for thrust.
Afterwards they moved to Severus' bedroom and lay sated on the bed. Severus stared up at the ceiling as he tried not to think of Voldemort or Dumbledore or the upcoming attack. Harry shifted and rested his chin on his folded hands that rested on Severus' chest. Severus met that green gaze briefly, managed a weak smile, before averting his eyes again.
"What's wrong?"
Severus hesitated a moment, but soon found the words spilling from his mouth.
"The Dark Lord is going to attack Hogwarts Friday night."
He felt Harry become very still, and he looked to see Harry's expression. It was carefully blank, that otherwise so expressive face revealed nothing. Severus swallowed and looked away again. "Albus ordered me to brew a poison to kill him. It's finished, and I'm to administer it to him the next time he summons."
A sharp intake of breath, but when Severus looked again Harry's expression still revealed nothing and his words were careful.
"What are you going to do?"
"I don't know." It was a whisper, but suddenly Severus couldn't bear it anymore and he sat up, got out of bed and started pacing. "I don't know what to do, who to choose. How can I know the Dark Lord's really changed, you don't know what he was like before, do I really want to be his slave for the rest of my life? But what is the alternative? Albus promised me last time he would protect me, and I still spent half a year in Azkaban. This time I don't think anybody with the Dark Mark will be safe. He's promised himself, but is it what I still want? Will he actually keep his promise this time? If You-Know-Who's defeated for good, what use can I be to him then? It's what I've wanted for so long, but I can't remember how much of what we were was ever real, could ever be real again."
He stopped and looked at Harry who was sitting up and watching him.
"I can feel them both pulling at me, pulling me apart, and I don't know what to do. How am I to choose?" he repeated in a weary voice.
"I can't make that decision for you, Severus. It's your choice, not mine"
Severus closed his eyes, and then opened them startled when he felt Harry's hand on his arm. Harry was smiling and he pressed Severus' robes into his hands.
"But I think I can help you make up your own mind, help you find out what you want. Get dressed and follow me."
They quickly pulled on their robes, staying bare beneath, and Harry refused to answer any questions as he led them through the empty hallways underneath his father's cloak. They reached a door on the third floor and Harry lifted the wards surrounding it, allowing them to slip inside unnoticed.
Severus looked around and spotted a large object underneath a sheet. He looked questioningly at Harry who just indicated for him to stand in front of it and then pulled away the covering. It was a large mirror, ornately decorated and in its frame the words Erised Stra Ehru Oyt Ube Cafru Oyt On Wohsi were carved. The Mirror of Erised. Harry walked up to him and put his arms around Severus' waist. "This should help you know your own mind, your own heart."
Severus nodded and pressed a kiss to Harry's lips before taking a deep breath and looking into the mirror. At first he thought it didn't work, he only saw their reflection and nothing else. Then he noticed the differences. He didn't look tired anymore, he looked happy. The Dark Mark was missing from his arm. He wasn't wearing his teaching robes. The Harry in the mirror was looking at him and only him, and he was smiling and they were kissing. Mirror Harry's mouth formed three words and his mirror self returned them.
"What do you see?"
It took all his effort to tear his eyes away from that tantalizing scene, but as soon as he was looking at the real Harry he felt no desire to look into the mirror again. "You. I see you." It was a whisper; there was no surprise in his voice, just realisation.
Harry laughed and framed Severus' face with his hands, pulling him to his lips to kiss. Their tongues tangled, curling around each other as Severus tightened his hold on the younger wizard's shoulders. When they finally broke apart Harry rested his head against Severus' shoulder as he whispered in his ear.
"I love you, Severus. You know that, don't you?"
"I love you, Harry." Severus held his eyes closed tightly and just held on. They stood like that for a while, until Severus finally let go.
"Aren't you going to look?" he asked, not even glancing once in the direction of the mirror again. Harry hesitated and then nodded, turning his face to see his heart's desire. Harry's face showed no signs of surprise, he just stared into the mirror, not seeming happy or distressed by whatever it was he saw. Severus watched him and as the moment lasted he started to become worried Harry had fallen victim to the mirror's lure. But then the younger wizard seemed to reach some kind of resolution and he nodded, determined. Harry turned away from the mirror and flashed Severus a smile, pressed a lightning quick kiss to Severus' lips as he pulled the Potions master from the room and redid the wards.
"It's late and I have the Transfiguration NEWT tomorrow morning. I'd better get back to the dorms before Filch catches us. Sleep well, Severus." With a whirl of his father's cloak he disappeared and Severus listened to his footsteps walking away. They stopped and Harry's disembodied head appeared at the end of the hall. "It's going to be all right, trust me." Then Severus was alone again. With a sigh he traced his steps back to his quarters and his empty bed.
*~*
Severus was in his office the next morning grading this year's Potions NEWTS when Sirius Black burst in without knocking. Irritated he looked up, scowling as he set his quill aside. He was about to demand an explanation but Black beat him to it.
"Have you seen Harry? He didn't show up for his Transfiguration NEWT and when I checked his dorm his things were gone."
Severus froze and then slowly shook his head, mind racing.
"I haven't seen him since last night."
Frustrated Black paced through the room, sending the occasional glare in Severus' direction.
"Ron said he'd seen him return to the dorms late last night. Again!" A particularly suspicious look. "But his bed curtains were closed this morning and they thought he was just skipping breakfast. His trunk is empty; all his books are gone, as is James' cloak. And I checked the Marau – He's not anywhere in Hogwarts. What did he say last night? Where has he gone?"
Severus rose from his chair and crossed his arms. "He didn't tell me of any plans to leave Hogwarts. I don't know where he is, Black, so kindly stop your insinuations."
"Well, you should know. After all, he spends nearly all his free time down here. What do you two get up to? I swear, Snivellus, if you've touched him –"
"I would never harm your precious godson, Black, and you know it. We were discussing your lover's Wolfsbane, if you must know."
"By Merlin, if you're keeping something from me… I told Albus he should stop Harry from spending time with you!" With that Black stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind him. No doubt on his way to Albus.
Suddenly shaking Severus sank back into his chair and hid his face in his hands. Harry was gone. Harry had taken all his belongings and left Hogwarts. Severus could make an educated guess as to where the Boy-Who-Lived was going. He leaned back and ran slightly trembling hands through his hair, staring into the distance. What had Harry seen in the mirror? Severus' heart ached and he bit his lip, instead concentrating on the memory of Harry's smile, his reassurance that everything was going to be all right.
Severus looked down at the stack of papers he still had left to grade. With a sigh he picked up his quill again, drowning his worries and sorrow in the abysmal attempts of his students.
At lunch the news had spread through the entire school: Harry Potter had disappeared. There was an edgy atmosphere as the rumours ran high. Harry had been abducted by Voldemort again, Harry had defected to the Dark Lord, even to Harry had committed suicide and the staff were covering it up. Severus sat in his seat beside the Headmaster and was well aware of the suspicious looks sent his way. It was common knowledge that Harry Potter was apprenticed to him and that the Boy-Who-Lived spent an inordinate amount of time in Severus' quarters. No doubt the Gryffindors were wondering what the greasy Potions master had done to their fellow Gryffindor. And wasn't it typical that they only seemed to accept Harry when he wasn't there to remind them of the person he really was, that he was nothing like the Harry Potter they probably all preferred. Black and Lupin were absent, no doubt combing the school grounds.
A blue veined hand rested on his thigh and Severus looked up startled. He'd been so intent on staring at his food that he must have missed the Headmaster's words. Albus' eyes were serious, no twinkle in sight, and Severus nodded. After lunch he followed the Headmaster to his office.
When he sat down in his usual chair opposite Albus' desk his heart was racing and Severus knew the time had come. No more hiding, no more procrastination. He had to choose now, or the choice would be made for him. He looked into Albus' bright blue eyes and made his decision. It was as if a weight had fallen from his shoulders, a weight he had been carrying for more than four years now, for longer still.
"Albus…" Severus took a deep breath and averted his eyes. "Albus, I – I haven't been entirely forthright about my meetings with Voldemort."
"Oh." Severus didn't look up, instead stared at his hands as they clenched in his lap.
"I've been hiding things from you." It was a guilty whisper and he glanced up quickly to gage Albus' reaction. The Headmaster's expression was neutral and Severus looked away again. He focused his attention on Fawkes who was sleeping on his perch. The words spilled from his lips.
"Voldemort plans to attack Hogwarts tomorrow evening, at midnight." And Severus confessed Voldemort's plans. Every little detail he'd been given or had managed to discover on his own. He revealed each and every name of all the witches and wizards who would be involved. He revealed the location where the Dark Lord was keeping the Dementors. He revealed the pact Voldemort had made with them, had made with vampires and werewolves and giants. He confessed all and unlike that first time, when his confession had only served to gain him a second master, a second set of chains, this time Severus felt liberated.
When there were no more of Voldemort's secrets or plans left to reveal, Severus stopped speaking and kept his gaze on his lap. He stared at the stains on his hands and fingers. Potions stains, poison stains. He'd made his choice, he would face the consequences.
"Oh, Severus." The Potions master looked up in surprise. It always amazed him, Albus' ability to move so silently. The Headmaster was standing in front of him, had put a finger beneath Severus' chin to raise his face. Albus was smiling fondly at him, and his hand traced the lines of Severus' jaw, and then pushed a strand of glossy black hair behind his ear. "My dear child, I was aware you weren't being honest with me, but I knew I could trust you to make the right choice in the end."
Severus stared at the Headmaster. "You knew? And you didn't say anything?"
Dumbledore just smiled and tugged at Severus' hand for him to stand up as well.
"I knew you were hiding something. Just not exactly what. But my trust was well-placed; you have made me proud, Severus. So very proud."
Dumbly Severus accepted the Headmaster's embrace. He shivered as Albus' hands moved over his body, working that familiar, but oh so long denied and longed for, magic.
"I was tempted –"
"It doesn't matter, sweet Severus. You made the right choice, and that's all that matters in the end." Dumbledore moved them apart a little and caught Severus' eyes with his own. He smiled and brought their lips together. Severus moaned and leaned against Albus for support, fisting his hands in the Headmaster's bright blue robes. Albus gripped his hips and pulled Severus' body flush against his own, his roaming hands sending shivers of pleasure through Severus' body.
"Albus, Albus, Albus, love you, love you."
"Who do you belong to?" A whisper in his ear as Albus' magic tickled and caressed his skin.
"You, Albus. Yours. Only yours, always yours."
Albus' hands framed his face and his smile filled Severus' heart. "You never disappoint me, Severus. Be careful, dear heart, and return to me safely." The Headmaster pressed a chaste kiss to Severus' lips again and his expression became serious once more.
"If Harry has indeed turned to Voldemort… Severus, you know what I must ask you to do… If you are prepared…"
Severus closed his eyes and nodded.
"He is a risk we cannot take –"
"I understand. If Harry's with Voldemort… I know what to do."
"Sweet Severus," he was pulled into Albus' embrace again and rested his head on the Headmaster's shoulder. "It's going to be all right. Be safe, return to me. It will all turn out well, I promise you."
They stood like that for a while, until Severus finally broke the embrace and straightened his robes. Albus was still smiling at him and Severus returned the smile tentatively. "I still have NEWTS to grade."
"Very well, I will see you at dinner. Take care, my dear."
The rest of the day passed slowly, Severus finished all his grading and then proceeded to tidy up his rooms and laboratory. He collected all his research for the potion, for the poison, and destroyed it. Then he sat down in front of the fire, in his empty rooms, and stared at the ashes until it was time for dinner. Albus' hand rested on his thigh, warm and reassuring. Severus traced the veins on Albus' hand and went straight to his chambers afterward. He slept without dreams in his cold and empty bed.
Friday dawned and there was still no sign of Harry. Sirius had accosted him in the hallways again, but Albus had called him to order and admonished him not to bother Severus any longer. The day passed interminably, and for once Severus felt relief when the Mark started to burn. After a quick fire-call to Albus, he grabbed cloak, mask and poison, and made his way through now oft used corridors and down secret paths into the heart of the Forbidden Forest. Donning his Death Eater garb Severus paused a moment to collect himself, then he pointed his wand at the skull on his arm and spoke. "Apparate Lord Voldemort Morsmordre."
As always he appeared on Tom Riddle Sr.'s grave. He saw a Death Eater slip into the Manor. There was nobody else around and Severus suspected he would be the last to arrive. He looked at the tombstone for a moment, and then took out the vial of poison. It was colourless, odourless, and tasteless. It would kill Lord Voldemort if only the tiniest drop came into contact with his skin. As it would kill Harry Potter. Severus had tied it to the Dark Lord's magical signature, and thus Harry was vulnerable too. Because of that fateful Avada nearly seventeen years ago Harry had gained part of Voldemort's magic, hence his ability to speak Parseltongue.
Albus had wanted a poison that would target only Voldemort, but Severus realised the potential of what he had so skilfully crafted. A poison that could be modified to harm only one wizard or witch; an undetectable poison with no remedy, no cure, only instant, irreversible death. This was his masterpiece; this was what he had used his not inconsiderable talent to create. Severus laughed bitterly. Then, with a grim look on his face, he removed the stopper and upended the vial's contents on the ground.
He had made his choice between Voldemort and Dumbledore, and he had chosen to keep his loyalty to neither. After all, he was a traitor: he had betrayed the Dark Lord's trust, and now he would betray Albus'. Severus didn't expect to survive to see the next day, whether he died by Voldemort's wand for revealing his plans, or by Albus' for not poisoning his first Master, or just generally in the fray of the battle soon to come. It didn't matter. Severus didn't care. For the first time in what seemed his entire life Severus felt free of the shackles of loyalty and fidelity that had bound him since adolescence.
Severus dropped the vial on the ground and purposefully strode toward the dark outline of Riddle Mansion. When he entered he was not surprised to indeed be the last to join the inner circle of Death Eaters. As always he fell to his knees, crawled toward the figure in their centre and pressed a kiss to the hem of the Dark Lord's robes.
"Master," he whispered and glanced upward, his suspicions confirmed. Voldemort was smiling pleasantly and next to him, holding his hand, was Harry Potter. His young lover was dressed in regal black and green, and smiling at Severus. That same smile he'd given the Potions master two nights ago when he'd asked for Severus' trust and promised that all would turn out right.
"Ah, Severus," Voldemort spoke. "It is so good of you to join us. However, there has been a slight change of plans; we won't be visiting Hogwarts tonight after all."