I had a hard time falling asleep that night, but somehow I managed to. In fact, for the rest of that week, I found it nearly impossible to fall asleep. Sometimes I comforted myself by cutting, but Lori always caught me. I'm not quite sure how she managed to do it. Nevertheless, I couldn't help but feel really bad that Lori had to be dragged into my problem. It wasn't her fault that I was nuts. I mean honestly, what kind of person begs and begs to have her friends come, but when they finally can, she cuts?

I had no idea the answer to that question, so I figured my best bet was to ask Dr. Steve. The worst he could do was postpone my friend's visit.

"So, Ashley, what's up?" he asked me that afternoon.

"Well, to be honest, I'm really screwed up."

"What'd mean?"

"Promise you won't punish me or anything?"

"You know I can't promise that."

"Well, it was worth a try." I took a deep breath. "I've been cutting again," I admitted reluctantly.

"Ash!" he said. "I didn't even realize. Your arms have been clean; I've been checking every once in a while."

I rolled up my pants legs. "I stopped cutting on my arm."

"Why? Why would you hurt yourself?"

"I don't know!" I said, angry. "That's what I wanted to ask you. I mean, you finally let my friends come visit me, and then I start screwing everything up. Why would I do that? Can you tell me? Because I have no idea."

"I don't buy that for a second. You know why you're hurting yourself."

"But I don't! Sure, I'm really nervous, but that's no reason to hurt myself!"

"Ash, there never is a really great reason to hurt yourself. But you said you were nervous. Nervous about what?"

"Just seeing my friends again. I mean, the last time I saw them…" I trailed off, not wanting to finish that sentence.

"You really don't like talking about that day, do you? What happened that was so terrible?"

"I was so scared. I remember. I thought I'd die if I had to come here. But that wasn't what the worst part was. The entire car ride there, Ellie just kept muttering, 'It's my fault. If I had been a better friend, she'd be fine. It's all my fault.' She really thinks it was her fault. I mean, it isn't at all! It's my fault."

"Did you tell her that?"

"When would I have told her that? I've only talked to her once since then."

"Good point. Maybe that's the reason you're nervous. Why don't you call her tonight? I'll let the nurse know you're permitted an outside phone call in your room today, and she'll let you dial out. You can tell Ellie tonight."

"But what if she…" I didn't finish.

"She won't be mad or upset or anything, at least I really don't think so. Besides, I'll be here until 10 tonight, so stop over if you need to. But only if you've already called her. I mean it! You can't keep hurting yourself Ash. I really thought you were doing better." He shook his head. "I thought you might really be getting better."

"I am!" I insisted, feeling a need to reassure him.

"You're not if you still need to hurt yourself."

"You can't solve all of my problems. You're not failing just because I did once."

"I didn't say I was failing."

"But you were thinking it," I said. I could see the look on his face.

"I never ever give up on anyone." He insisted.

"Ok, but I just wanted to let you know that when I fail, I'll take the blame," I said.

"I'll let you out a little early today. It'll give you a chance to talk to Ellie tonight. Marco too, if you really want to, and feel like you're up to it. Remember, I'll be here anytime until 10."

I thanked him, and headed out of the room like a condemned man heads off to his execution.