A/N- This is the first time I've updated for a long time! BECAUSE I WAS
BANNED! Arg.. *growls* That's okay though. I'll live. R/R please! Sorry
it's so late! For you that read Blind date, the 3rd chap. is up!
Scene 2
Sign-"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."
Roaul- When this scene is done can I pleeeeeeeease beat Ralon up?
Director- Raoul, we're rolling!!
Raoul- AHH! All right. This one's full.
Ralon-Take it away!
Ralon-Move it along. Come on! Get up!
Raoul-Next!
Ralon-Give me that! *takes broom and snaps it in half*Your flying days are over. That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch.
Raoul-Next!
Ralon- Is that ALL you can say?
Raoul- No! Watch this!
Raoul-Get up! Come on!
Ralon- *Glares at Raoul* Twenty pieces.
*crate thuds*
Raoul-Sit down there!
Ralon-Keep quiet!
Kitten- *crying* This cage is too small!! (A/N- I know, Kitten doesn't talk, but I am the almighty author! Now she does!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! By the way, the cage is made of dragon-proof metal)
Donkey-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again! I can change. Please! Give me another chance! *look at script* Hey! This is animal injustice! I will sue!!
Director- Get back to the script Diane!!
Diane/Donkey- *Is walking around (back in human form) with a protest sign* Animal injustice! Animal injustice!
Director- Please!!! I'll pay you double!
Diane-*looks thoughtful* I don't know.
Director- Triple!
Diane- Deal.
*Back to the movie*
Old woman/ Orzone-Oh, shut up. Just because you ruined my palace, help turn me into a stormwing, and kill me doesn't mean I don't love you!!
Donkey-AHHHH!!! STAY AWAY!!
Numair-SHE'S MY GIRLFRIEND!
Orzone-*cough* lover *cough*
*Back to movie*
Raoul-Next!
Ralon-What have you got?
Old guy/Vinson- This little ****ing wooden puppet.
Puppet/Neal-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.
Raoul-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.
Puppet-Father, please! Don't let them do this!
Old guy- Piece of ****
Puppet-Help me! I'm being abducted be ALIENS!
Raoul-Next! What have you got?
Old Woman-Well, I've got a talking donkey.
Ralon- *snorts* Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.
Old woman-Oh, go ahead, little fella.
Raoul-Wellllllllllllllllllllllllllll?
Ralon-Stop that!
Raoul- Stop what?
Ralon-That!
Raoul-What?
Ralon-AHHHHHHHHH!!
Random Voice- We're sorry for this interruption, but Ralon has just been commited to a mental asylum. Raoul will now take over the entire job. We are sorry for the inconvenience. Now back to the film.
Old woman-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - -
Donkey-*tears*
Raoul-That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!
Old woman-No, no, he talks! He does. *tries to mimic donkeys voice* I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.
Raoul-Get her out of my sight. I've always wanted to say that!
Old woman-No, no! I swear! He can talk!
*fairy dust flies all over Donkey*
Donkey-Hey! I can fly! GO ME!! ANIMALS TRIUMPH!
Director- Diane.
Diane- Sorry.
*Back to the film*
Puppet-He can fly!
Old woman-He can fly!
Raoul-He can talk!
Donkey -Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly, but I bet you ain't ever seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Oh-oh. *Starts dropping*
*Diane snorts and starts running away from the guards*
Roaul-Seize him!
Raoul-After him! He's getting away!
Raoul-Get him! This way! Turn!
*Raoul and army comes into the clearing, where Shrek is tacking up a sign on a tree that says 'WARNING: Mad Barbie dolls beyond this point. STAY AWAY! (A/N- No offense to anyone who likes Barbie dolls! I just feel like bashing stuff. Sorry!)
Raoul -You there. Ogre!
Shrek-Hey! Who are you calling an Ogre??? I'm not half as ugly as yo- Oooooooh right...Aye?
Raoul-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility. What kind of name is Lord Farquaad? I mean really, what kind of mother would see their baby and then say "Oh, I think I'll name him Farquaad?" I mean, come on! What moron wrote this!?
Director-I did. And it's BEAUTIFUL! *Starts crying* If you don't like it you can just.just GO AWAY!!! *Runs away weeping*
Authoress- *Comes down from the sky on a flying hippo* I'm the director from now on! GET BACK TO WORK SLAVES! I mean. actors.
Everybody-@__@;
Authoress-^_^
Raoul-Oh, really? You and what army? *turns around and gasps* AHH! I WANT MY MOMMY!!! MOMMYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!
Donkey- Can I say something to you?Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! Shrek-Are you talkin' to *looks at were Donkey was*me? Alright Diane! NO MORE SHAPESHIFTING! Where are you? *Runs up to a squirrel* Are you Diane? Are you? *Donkey pops up from behind a tree trunk* Whoa!
Authoress- STOP IT!!!!
Everyone- *meekly obeys* ^_^
Donkey-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. BABES!? I DEMAND A REWRITE!!!!*Director walks over to her and whispers in her ear* Ohhhhhhhh..
Shrek-Oh, that's great. Really.
Donkey-Man, it's good to be free.
Shrek-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?
Donkey-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.
*Shrek roars, spit and other unidentified objects fly out of his mouth*
Shrek- Ug. That was gross. Please excuse me while I go brush my teeth.
Authoress- You're an OGRE YOU DON'T BRUSH YOUR TEETH!!!!
Shrek-Fine, be that way!
Donkey-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - *Shrek covers Donkey's mouth* Then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.
Shrek-Why are you following me?
Donkey-I'll tell you why.
'Cause I'm all alone There's no one here beside me My problems have all gone There's no one to deride me But you gotta have friends - -
You know that wasn't actually talking. It was more singing..
Shrek-Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.
Donkey-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.
Shrek- Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I? Other that magnificently hansom (A/N Yes, hansom is spelled right.), that is.
Donkey- Uh- - Really tall?
-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you? And there are the killer rabbits. You sure you won't run away at the sight of them?
Donkey-Nope.
Shrek-Really? Even I'm a tiny bit scared of killer rabbits.
Donkey-Really, really.
Shrek-Oh. I feel so weak!
Donkey-Man, I like you. What's you name?
Shrek-Uh, Shrek.
Donkey-Shrek? What kind of name is that?? Really! I mean---
Authoress- NOT THAT AGAIN! Deal with the names! The old director's going to go crazy if you keep on doing that! *director is in the corner, rocking back and forth on the floor* See???
-- -Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I- don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?
Shrek-That would be my home.
Donkey-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess you don't entertain much, do you?
Shrek-I like my privacy.
Donkey-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.
*Awkward silence*
Donkey-Can I stay with you? I have a very pushy character. Doesn't he get when to stop? Obviously---
Authoress- *Jerks finger toward director then makes a you'll die if you continue look at Diane*
Diane- Shutting up.
Shrek-Uh, what?
Donkey-Can I stay with you, please?
Shrek-Of course!
Donkey-Really?
Shrek-No.
Diane-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please! *Starts sobbing* PLEASE!! *looks around* Sorry. I just was.uh.. Getting into character!
Shrek-Okay! Okay! But one night only.
Donkey-Ah! Thank you!
*runs inside*
Shrek-What are you - - No! No!
Donkey-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles! Wait! How can I swap manly stories? I'm not a man! *See authoress coming towards her with a dagger* But it really doesn't matter!
Shrek-Oh!
Donkey-Where do, uh, I sleep? Shrek-Outside!
Donkey- COOL! This rules! I love sleeping outside! I mean..Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.*Sniffles*Here I go.
Shrek-Good night.
Donkey- *sighs* I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.
I'm all alone There's no one here besides me.
A/N- That took FOREVER! Eight pages! R/R! Or all my work will be for nothing! *Weeps*
Scene 2
Sign-"Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."
Roaul- When this scene is done can I pleeeeeeeease beat Ralon up?
Director- Raoul, we're rolling!!
Raoul- AHH! All right. This one's full.
Ralon-Take it away!
Ralon-Move it along. Come on! Get up!
Raoul-Next!
Ralon-Give me that! *takes broom and snaps it in half*Your flying days are over. That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch.
Raoul-Next!
Ralon- Is that ALL you can say?
Raoul- No! Watch this!
Raoul-Get up! Come on!
Ralon- *Glares at Raoul* Twenty pieces.
*crate thuds*
Raoul-Sit down there!
Ralon-Keep quiet!
Kitten- *crying* This cage is too small!! (A/N- I know, Kitten doesn't talk, but I am the almighty author! Now she does!! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! By the way, the cage is made of dragon-proof metal)
Donkey-Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again! I can change. Please! Give me another chance! *look at script* Hey! This is animal injustice! I will sue!!
Director- Get back to the script Diane!!
Diane/Donkey- *Is walking around (back in human form) with a protest sign* Animal injustice! Animal injustice!
Director- Please!!! I'll pay you double!
Diane-*looks thoughtful* I don't know.
Director- Triple!
Diane- Deal.
*Back to the movie*
Old woman/ Orzone-Oh, shut up. Just because you ruined my palace, help turn me into a stormwing, and kill me doesn't mean I don't love you!!
Donkey-AHHHH!!! STAY AWAY!!
Numair-SHE'S MY GIRLFRIEND!
Orzone-*cough* lover *cough*
*Back to movie*
Raoul-Next!
Ralon-What have you got?
Old guy/Vinson- This little ****ing wooden puppet.
Puppet/Neal-I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy.
Raoul-Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away.
Puppet-Father, please! Don't let them do this!
Old guy- Piece of ****
Puppet-Help me! I'm being abducted be ALIENS!
Raoul-Next! What have you got?
Old Woman-Well, I've got a talking donkey.
Ralon- *snorts* Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it.
Old woman-Oh, go ahead, little fella.
Raoul-Wellllllllllllllllllllllllllll?
Ralon-Stop that!
Raoul- Stop what?
Ralon-That!
Raoul-What?
Ralon-AHHHHHHHHH!!
Random Voice- We're sorry for this interruption, but Ralon has just been commited to a mental asylum. Raoul will now take over the entire job. We are sorry for the inconvenience. Now back to the film.
Old woman-Oh, oh, he's just - - He's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt - -
Donkey-*tears*
Raoul-That's it. I've heard enough. Guards!
Old woman-No, no, he talks! He does. *tries to mimic donkeys voice* I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw.
Raoul-Get her out of my sight. I've always wanted to say that!
Old woman-No, no! I swear! He can talk!
*fairy dust flies all over Donkey*
Donkey-Hey! I can fly! GO ME!! ANIMALS TRIUMPH!
Director- Diane.
Diane- Sorry.
*Back to the film*
Puppet-He can fly!
Old woman-He can fly!
Raoul-He can talk!
Donkey -Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly, but I bet you ain't ever seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! Oh-oh. *Starts dropping*
*Diane snorts and starts running away from the guards*
Roaul-Seize him!
Raoul-After him! He's getting away!
Raoul-Get him! This way! Turn!
*Raoul and army comes into the clearing, where Shrek is tacking up a sign on a tree that says 'WARNING: Mad Barbie dolls beyond this point. STAY AWAY! (A/N- No offense to anyone who likes Barbie dolls! I just feel like bashing stuff. Sorry!)
Raoul -You there. Ogre!
Shrek-Hey! Who are you calling an Ogre??? I'm not half as ugly as yo- Oooooooh right...Aye?
Raoul-By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated..... resettlement facility. What kind of name is Lord Farquaad? I mean really, what kind of mother would see their baby and then say "Oh, I think I'll name him Farquaad?" I mean, come on! What moron wrote this!?
Director-I did. And it's BEAUTIFUL! *Starts crying* If you don't like it you can just.just GO AWAY!!! *Runs away weeping*
Authoress- *Comes down from the sky on a flying hippo* I'm the director from now on! GET BACK TO WORK SLAVES! I mean. actors.
Everybody-@__@;
Authoress-^_^
Raoul-Oh, really? You and what army? *turns around and gasps* AHH! I WANT MY MOMMY!!! MOMMYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!
Donkey- Can I say something to you?Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! Shrek-Are you talkin' to *looks at were Donkey was*me? Alright Diane! NO MORE SHAPESHIFTING! Where are you? *Runs up to a squirrel* Are you Diane? Are you? *Donkey pops up from behind a tree trunk* Whoa!
Authoress- STOP IT!!!!
Everyone- *meekly obeys* ^_^
Donkey-Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. BABES!? I DEMAND A REWRITE!!!!*Director walks over to her and whispers in her ear* Ohhhhhhhh..
Shrek-Oh, that's great. Really.
Donkey-Man, it's good to be free.
Shrek-Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm?
Donkey-But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us.
*Shrek roars, spit and other unidentified objects fly out of his mouth*
Shrek- Ug. That was gross. Please excuse me while I go brush my teeth.
Authoress- You're an OGRE YOU DON'T BRUSH YOUR TEETH!!!!
Shrek-Fine, be that way!
Donkey-Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time - - *Shrek covers Donkey's mouth* Then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases eking out of my butt that day.
Shrek-Why are you following me?
Donkey-I'll tell you why.
'Cause I'm all alone There's no one here beside me My problems have all gone There's no one to deride me But you gotta have friends - -
You know that wasn't actually talking. It was more singing..
Shrek-Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends.
Donkey-Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest.
Shrek- Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I? Other that magnificently hansom (A/N Yes, hansom is spelled right.), that is.
Donkey- Uh- - Really tall?
-No! I'm an orge! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you? And there are the killer rabbits. You sure you won't run away at the sight of them?
Donkey-Nope.
Shrek-Really? Even I'm a tiny bit scared of killer rabbits.
Donkey-Really, really.
Shrek-Oh. I feel so weak!
Donkey-Man, I like you. What's you name?
Shrek-Uh, Shrek.
Donkey-Shrek? What kind of name is that?? Really! I mean---
Authoress- NOT THAT AGAIN! Deal with the names! The old director's going to go crazy if you keep on doing that! *director is in the corner, rocking back and forth on the floor* See???
-- -Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I- don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. Whoo! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that?
Shrek-That would be my home.
Donkey-Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess you don't entertain much, do you?
Shrek-I like my privacy.
Donkey-You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence.
*Awkward silence*
Donkey-Can I stay with you? I have a very pushy character. Doesn't he get when to stop? Obviously---
Authoress- *Jerks finger toward director then makes a you'll die if you continue look at Diane*
Diane- Shutting up.
Shrek-Uh, what?
Donkey-Can I stay with you, please?
Shrek-Of course!
Donkey-Really?
Shrek-No.
Diane-Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please! *Starts sobbing* PLEASE!! *looks around* Sorry. I just was.uh.. Getting into character!
Shrek-Okay! Okay! But one night only.
Donkey-Ah! Thank you!
*runs inside*
Shrek-What are you - - No! No!
Donkey-This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles! Wait! How can I swap manly stories? I'm not a man! *See authoress coming towards her with a dagger* But it really doesn't matter!
Shrek-Oh!
Donkey-Where do, uh, I sleep? Shrek-Outside!
Donkey- COOL! This rules! I love sleeping outside! I mean..Oh, well. I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know.*Sniffles*Here I go.
Shrek-Good night.
Donkey- *sighs* I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside.
I'm all alone There's no one here besides me.
A/N- That took FOREVER! Eight pages! R/R! Or all my work will be for nothing! *Weeps*