Disclaimer: I could say that BtVS is mine and it's characters are all mine
as well... but that would be lying. and I never lie. *snickers*
Summary: After the events of Seeing Red, Spike left for Africa. He got rid of the chip and he never came back.. Buffy doesn't have it any better. One of Willow's spells gone wrong caused Buffy to become immortal. Now she has to deal with the loneliness of immortality.
A/N: This is a Spuffy fic. so please have some faith in me, it'll be a while before all the pieces of this story fit into place. This story will have angst. consider yourself warned. I also rated this story R for the language and some of the content. It could be PG-13, but I don't want to risk it. And I know the title is dumb, but I couldn't think of anything else. I'll update as often as possible, school's got me pretty busy. So don't get too mad if it takes a while for updates.
Another note. this story is about 40 to 50 years in the future, the time doesn't really have to be exact. Just know that all of the Scoobies are older now. Also, Buffy doesn't know that her immortality was caused by Willow. Hopefully that'll prevent some confusion.
I'd like to thank my best friend Fearless for supporting this story. She wanted to see Spike redeem himself chipless and soulless. And so that's what I'm giving her. Hope you like it, babe.
Chapter 2 ~ Shine Gray ~
The flat line on the heart monitor was what finally triggered her tears. They crested in her eyes and released, tricking down her cheeks to where they dropped off her chin. She took her eyes off Xander's peaceful face when she heard the door click shut. Her eyes rested on the face of the doctor. He nodded solemnly and left the hospital room, not wanting to impose. Knowing that they'd need time to grieve for their friend. For Xander.
Buffy looked into Willow's eyes and noticed that she had aged at least five years in the past ten minutes. Her gray hair framed her face as she looked down again. Down at her best friend. Former best friend. A gasp had caught in Willow's throat before her legs gave out and she sunk to the floor. The pain of her loss washed the salt from the wrinkled skin of her face. Her hands flew up to cover her eyes, then they reached up to grasp her hair. Dawn leaned down next to her, putting her arms around Willow's shoulders and pulling her into an embrace.
His death had been quiet... His departure had be so soft and so peaceful. It'd difficult for Buffy to truly grieve. She never had much of a chance to experience peaceful goodbyes. Most of her previous goodbyes had been apocalyptic, painful, full of rage and heartbreaking sadness. Buffy didn't know how to deal with this death. Her own, long ago, had been about sacrifice, love her friends, devotion and love to her sister. She didn't go quietly. When Giles died it had been from cancer, his life slowly drained from his body. Slowly.. painfully. Pain she could deal with. It was the peaceful stuff that tore her apart.
The rest of the day passed in a blur. Passed through her in shadows and murky images that her mind barely registered. Sadness was all that had got through to her. Numbing sadness that made her bones ache and her mind go on auto-pilot. Everyone lived in a dream world where the only form of communication was depressed looks and light, barely there, physical contact.
That's the hardest thing about getting old.. Not necessarily dying, but being the friend that survives the other's departure from this world. The only thing for certain is knowing that someone you care about is going to be the next one, or you will be the next one on the list of the soon to be deceased. As hard as death is, there is warmth in it, maybe not for the person left behind, but there is warmth for the one who had passed.
Buffy missed the warmth.. She craved it more than anything she had ever craved in her entire life. That final peace that everyone will one day encounter. It tortured her to know that she would never again feel it. Maybe that's her punishment for having been brought back once before. Her punishment for having departed from Heaven, even though it hadn't been her choice to come back. Maybe it's her punishment for having felt it's warmth. She hated knowing she had left Heaven and she wouldn't ever go back.
She looked into the mirror, scowled at her reflection. Her friends all had to grow old and die, but she looked the same she had when she was 21. Her blond hair shined under the overhead light, different shades of blond were streaked throughout her mane. She wished that it shined gray. She would never grow old in body, only in spirit and in mind. Wisdom trapped in youth. It frustrated her more than anything ever had in her life.
She would never admit this to anyone, but she had tried to kill herself. She let a vampire get the upper hand for too long.. jumped off the roof of her house.. Even tried to drown.. Not one of those worked. It almost felt like that Bill Murray movie where he lived the same day over and over again. The only exception was that she never woke up unscathed the next morning. Scars and bruises marred her skin, though she always managed to hide the evidence of despair under her clothing.
Eventually she stopped hurting herself, realizing that it got her nowhere and it hurt her friends. She knew that they grieved for her, even though she wasn't dead. They grieved for her life.. her never ending life.
She knew that she'd never be totally alone. She'd still always have her friend's children, their children's children, and each generation after that. No, she would never be completely alone. Even Xander's grandson, Joe, had a little thing for her. He's never pushy with her, his advances were soft and almost friendly. He's like his grandfather, polite until the end.
And though it may seem like it, she didn't stray from relationships. She tried to make them work, fake smiles and sugary sentiments. But eventually she gave up, realizing that it just wasn't worth it. After all that time she couldn't manage to let herself fall in love again. And even if she would let herself get that close to someone she wouldn't be able to grow old with them. He'd just be another person to watch fade away with age.
She thought briefly of Angel, remembering how he had come to her a few months after her realization of her immortality. The surprise on his face when he saw the flawless face of a 21 year old rather than a 31 year old. She saw the despair on his face, him telling that he wouldn't be able to grow old with her. He had been granted his shanshu, which made him human. But he stayed. Three whole years he stayed with her. He loved her with everything that he was, practically worshipping her. But she couldn't find it in herself to love him that deeply. She wasn't the 16 year old that was mesmerized by him and his mystery.
Slowly he gave up on her. He'd realized that he was getting older and there was a life out there that he deserved. A wife, children. He knew that he deserved to be loved.. He craved to be loved with an intensity that Buffy couldn't give him. He left her on a bright and sunny morning. She hadn't heard from him since.
She finished with her nightly ritual and headed straight for her bed. She pushed all her depressing thoughts from her brain as she laid down on the softness of her blankets. Her body needed the rest badly, but she wouldn't let herself slip away into sleep just yet.
She stared at the ceiling, like she did every night, before going to sleep. No one knew of this part of her nightly ritual. And even if they did she'd deny it. She liked to picture his face.. See it just how she remembered it. She found that she could still get an almost perfect picture of him in her mind. His shockingly white hair.. his blue eyes. The murky depths of cobalt that changed with his mood. His face, his hands, his smile.. She missed everything about him and it broke her heart.
His being gone still hurt. when it finally sunk in that he wasn't coming home, that he was truly gone, she locked herself in her room and cried. She'd forgiven him for that night in the bathroom. His desperation had controlled him and he had done something that he regretted. She had seen the regret and sadness in his soulless eyes before he bolted from the room. But his eyes were anything but soulless.
It had been so long ago, she almost wondered if it all had been a dream. Sometimes she wondered if he had been a dream. Everything that he had been was just a figment of her imagination. Just a reoccurring dream. Then she'd look at the picture that Dawn had took of him when he hadn't been looking. A cigarette rested between his middle and fore fingers. A slight quirk of his lips were just the beginning of a smirk.
Sometimes she still found herself wandering through his cemetery to his crypt. Those nights she always ended up spending her time with Clem. She eventually learned to enjoy Clem's company and found herself laughing again. She valued her friendship with Clem and his kindness to her. She wasn't sure if she'd ever find a friend quite like him ever again.
Every once in a while she found herself looking out her bedroom window to the tree where he spent many nights. Where he chain-smoked as we watched and guarded her window. Finding that spot vacant left her feeling hollow and broken.
But the one thing that she would never admit to, even if that meant being subjected to torture, was that she wore Spike's when she slept. She loved the feel of the leather wrapped around her bare body. It still vaguely smelled like him and it almost seemed like he was still there. His own body wrapped around hers. She could still remember the feel of his skin against her own.
Immortality robbed her of her sense of time. Had it really been that long ago? She didn't seem to know anymore.
TBC...
~~~***~~~
Annie (mjaw): I finally got around to typing it! I hope you enjoy this story. it'd make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Thanks for your support and I'd read your stories anytime! 3
spikezleatherchick: I'm glad that you liked it, made me feel all fuzzy and stuff.
Ashleigh: I'm also glad that you liked it. hopefully I can have regularish updates. Regularish isn't a word but I think it works in this situation.
wolf116: I'm really glad that you liked the poem. I also thought that it represented that scene very well. It has become one of my favorite poems and I'm glad that I shared it with you and all the other readers. Also glad that you like he story so far.
Mita427: Its good to know that I'm not the only one who loves angst. It's strangely addicting isn't it? 'M happy that you like the story!
Summary: After the events of Seeing Red, Spike left for Africa. He got rid of the chip and he never came back.. Buffy doesn't have it any better. One of Willow's spells gone wrong caused Buffy to become immortal. Now she has to deal with the loneliness of immortality.
A/N: This is a Spuffy fic. so please have some faith in me, it'll be a while before all the pieces of this story fit into place. This story will have angst. consider yourself warned. I also rated this story R for the language and some of the content. It could be PG-13, but I don't want to risk it. And I know the title is dumb, but I couldn't think of anything else. I'll update as often as possible, school's got me pretty busy. So don't get too mad if it takes a while for updates.
Another note. this story is about 40 to 50 years in the future, the time doesn't really have to be exact. Just know that all of the Scoobies are older now. Also, Buffy doesn't know that her immortality was caused by Willow. Hopefully that'll prevent some confusion.
I'd like to thank my best friend Fearless for supporting this story. She wanted to see Spike redeem himself chipless and soulless. And so that's what I'm giving her. Hope you like it, babe.
Chapter 2 ~ Shine Gray ~
The flat line on the heart monitor was what finally triggered her tears. They crested in her eyes and released, tricking down her cheeks to where they dropped off her chin. She took her eyes off Xander's peaceful face when she heard the door click shut. Her eyes rested on the face of the doctor. He nodded solemnly and left the hospital room, not wanting to impose. Knowing that they'd need time to grieve for their friend. For Xander.
Buffy looked into Willow's eyes and noticed that she had aged at least five years in the past ten minutes. Her gray hair framed her face as she looked down again. Down at her best friend. Former best friend. A gasp had caught in Willow's throat before her legs gave out and she sunk to the floor. The pain of her loss washed the salt from the wrinkled skin of her face. Her hands flew up to cover her eyes, then they reached up to grasp her hair. Dawn leaned down next to her, putting her arms around Willow's shoulders and pulling her into an embrace.
His death had been quiet... His departure had be so soft and so peaceful. It'd difficult for Buffy to truly grieve. She never had much of a chance to experience peaceful goodbyes. Most of her previous goodbyes had been apocalyptic, painful, full of rage and heartbreaking sadness. Buffy didn't know how to deal with this death. Her own, long ago, had been about sacrifice, love her friends, devotion and love to her sister. She didn't go quietly. When Giles died it had been from cancer, his life slowly drained from his body. Slowly.. painfully. Pain she could deal with. It was the peaceful stuff that tore her apart.
The rest of the day passed in a blur. Passed through her in shadows and murky images that her mind barely registered. Sadness was all that had got through to her. Numbing sadness that made her bones ache and her mind go on auto-pilot. Everyone lived in a dream world where the only form of communication was depressed looks and light, barely there, physical contact.
That's the hardest thing about getting old.. Not necessarily dying, but being the friend that survives the other's departure from this world. The only thing for certain is knowing that someone you care about is going to be the next one, or you will be the next one on the list of the soon to be deceased. As hard as death is, there is warmth in it, maybe not for the person left behind, but there is warmth for the one who had passed.
Buffy missed the warmth.. She craved it more than anything she had ever craved in her entire life. That final peace that everyone will one day encounter. It tortured her to know that she would never again feel it. Maybe that's her punishment for having been brought back once before. Her punishment for having departed from Heaven, even though it hadn't been her choice to come back. Maybe it's her punishment for having felt it's warmth. She hated knowing she had left Heaven and she wouldn't ever go back.
She looked into the mirror, scowled at her reflection. Her friends all had to grow old and die, but she looked the same she had when she was 21. Her blond hair shined under the overhead light, different shades of blond were streaked throughout her mane. She wished that it shined gray. She would never grow old in body, only in spirit and in mind. Wisdom trapped in youth. It frustrated her more than anything ever had in her life.
She would never admit this to anyone, but she had tried to kill herself. She let a vampire get the upper hand for too long.. jumped off the roof of her house.. Even tried to drown.. Not one of those worked. It almost felt like that Bill Murray movie where he lived the same day over and over again. The only exception was that she never woke up unscathed the next morning. Scars and bruises marred her skin, though she always managed to hide the evidence of despair under her clothing.
Eventually she stopped hurting herself, realizing that it got her nowhere and it hurt her friends. She knew that they grieved for her, even though she wasn't dead. They grieved for her life.. her never ending life.
She knew that she'd never be totally alone. She'd still always have her friend's children, their children's children, and each generation after that. No, she would never be completely alone. Even Xander's grandson, Joe, had a little thing for her. He's never pushy with her, his advances were soft and almost friendly. He's like his grandfather, polite until the end.
And though it may seem like it, she didn't stray from relationships. She tried to make them work, fake smiles and sugary sentiments. But eventually she gave up, realizing that it just wasn't worth it. After all that time she couldn't manage to let herself fall in love again. And even if she would let herself get that close to someone she wouldn't be able to grow old with them. He'd just be another person to watch fade away with age.
She thought briefly of Angel, remembering how he had come to her a few months after her realization of her immortality. The surprise on his face when he saw the flawless face of a 21 year old rather than a 31 year old. She saw the despair on his face, him telling that he wouldn't be able to grow old with her. He had been granted his shanshu, which made him human. But he stayed. Three whole years he stayed with her. He loved her with everything that he was, practically worshipping her. But she couldn't find it in herself to love him that deeply. She wasn't the 16 year old that was mesmerized by him and his mystery.
Slowly he gave up on her. He'd realized that he was getting older and there was a life out there that he deserved. A wife, children. He knew that he deserved to be loved.. He craved to be loved with an intensity that Buffy couldn't give him. He left her on a bright and sunny morning. She hadn't heard from him since.
She finished with her nightly ritual and headed straight for her bed. She pushed all her depressing thoughts from her brain as she laid down on the softness of her blankets. Her body needed the rest badly, but she wouldn't let herself slip away into sleep just yet.
She stared at the ceiling, like she did every night, before going to sleep. No one knew of this part of her nightly ritual. And even if they did she'd deny it. She liked to picture his face.. See it just how she remembered it. She found that she could still get an almost perfect picture of him in her mind. His shockingly white hair.. his blue eyes. The murky depths of cobalt that changed with his mood. His face, his hands, his smile.. She missed everything about him and it broke her heart.
His being gone still hurt. when it finally sunk in that he wasn't coming home, that he was truly gone, she locked herself in her room and cried. She'd forgiven him for that night in the bathroom. His desperation had controlled him and he had done something that he regretted. She had seen the regret and sadness in his soulless eyes before he bolted from the room. But his eyes were anything but soulless.
It had been so long ago, she almost wondered if it all had been a dream. Sometimes she wondered if he had been a dream. Everything that he had been was just a figment of her imagination. Just a reoccurring dream. Then she'd look at the picture that Dawn had took of him when he hadn't been looking. A cigarette rested between his middle and fore fingers. A slight quirk of his lips were just the beginning of a smirk.
Sometimes she still found herself wandering through his cemetery to his crypt. Those nights she always ended up spending her time with Clem. She eventually learned to enjoy Clem's company and found herself laughing again. She valued her friendship with Clem and his kindness to her. She wasn't sure if she'd ever find a friend quite like him ever again.
Every once in a while she found herself looking out her bedroom window to the tree where he spent many nights. Where he chain-smoked as we watched and guarded her window. Finding that spot vacant left her feeling hollow and broken.
But the one thing that she would never admit to, even if that meant being subjected to torture, was that she wore Spike's when she slept. She loved the feel of the leather wrapped around her bare body. It still vaguely smelled like him and it almost seemed like he was still there. His own body wrapped around hers. She could still remember the feel of his skin against her own.
Immortality robbed her of her sense of time. Had it really been that long ago? She didn't seem to know anymore.
TBC...
~~~***~~~
Annie (mjaw): I finally got around to typing it! I hope you enjoy this story. it'd make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Thanks for your support and I'd read your stories anytime! 3
spikezleatherchick: I'm glad that you liked it, made me feel all fuzzy and stuff.
Ashleigh: I'm also glad that you liked it. hopefully I can have regularish updates. Regularish isn't a word but I think it works in this situation.
wolf116: I'm really glad that you liked the poem. I also thought that it represented that scene very well. It has become one of my favorite poems and I'm glad that I shared it with you and all the other readers. Also glad that you like he story so far.
Mita427: Its good to know that I'm not the only one who loves angst. It's strangely addicting isn't it? 'M happy that you like the story!