Chapter Four: Bonus Round
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Disclaimer: None of the Zelda characters are mine, but me, Chibi Planeteria and Draken are the alias' of real people, so you can't steal them. :P
Lots of Ganon-shipping in this one, so I dedicate this chapp to canihavea-soda, who has a major Ganon fetish. -__-? I don't know how, but she does…
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In the darkness of the night, a deep sound of a pipe organ echoes through the gaping abyss of the cold stone chamber. Only one man dares to stand unprotected, glorious in the destruction that was created by his own hand—
OV: {rolls eyes} Can we get on with this? I have a ton of homework due on Monday, and it's gonna take me all weekend.
Draken: I second that protest! {mutters} Stupid poetry assignment package…
OV: Yeah, I know. I had a brilliant poem, and I even made it Rhyme (per instructions) and then the teacher tells me that I have to have five different figures of speech in it! I only had two, dammit!
Ganon: {Glares} HEY! This is my bonus round, and I'm going to run this MY WAY!
OV/Draken: Yeah, yeah…
Ganon: Good. Now let me finish! A-hem…
---and his name is Ganon, King of the Gerudos, and king of all that is dark and evil in Hyrule. Standing a proud 6 foot 3, he has come onto the game show of HOT to smite the good guys and bring them utter and humiliating chaos.
Ganon: MUH-HA-HA-HA!!
Contestants: -__-;;;
Ganon: I summon my judges!
Three poes appear, and you soon see that they are the poe sisters, Beth, Joelle, and Amy.
Draken: Hehey, Hey, aren't there four poe sisters?
Beth: Yes, but Meg had another appointment with the ghosts at Hogwarts.
CP: Hogwarts? You mean in Harry Potter?
Joelle: Well, not in Harry Potter, but in the same universe, yes.
Draken: Sweet.
Ganon: Enough chat! {Audience of mean-looking baddies appear) Let's play…
Audience: H – O – T! HORRORS OF TIME!!
OV: HEY! Did I say that you could change the—
Ganon: SILENCE! This is my show now! For this round, you will be the contestants at MY bidding! MUH-HA-HA!
Zelda: Goddesses help us now…
CP: Oh shut up. How bad can it be?
Random person: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! YOU JUST JINXED IT ALL!!!!!!
CP: {Bops him} Are you still hanging around here? Go away!
Random Person: {meekly} Okay…
You see the new set. The seven players are on a platform on one side of a sand pit, while a many-pathed road of marble slabs lead to the other side where Ganon is lounging in a large plushy chair.
Ganon: In this round, you must play to the other side, like pieces in a board game! Each marble slab either holds a question or… {Dramatic pause} A trap!
Audience: {Claps}
Ganon: I know. Today you will all be playing for your freedom, for unless you win, you are trapped here… FOREVER!!
CP: Can't OV just use her remote control to get us out of here?
OV: {bawls} I would, but he took the batteries!!
Draken: He didn't!
Ganon: {Holds up two AAs} Oh, but I did…
Audience: {claps}
Ganon; Thank you, thank you, thank yooooooouuuuuu….
Link: Not getting any younger, here…
Ganon: Oh shut up. You go first. Press the red buzzer on the pedestal.
Link: {Looks around} What pedestal?
A big black pedestal drops from the sky and hits Link on the head.
SXF: BOINK!
Audience: BWAHAHAHA!
Link: {Rubbing his head} Ow. {Presses red buzzer}
SXF: ZZZZAAAAAAPPPPPP!
Link: {Twitching} OW….
A roulette wheel appears, spinning around. It lands on Three Steps or a Warp Jewel.
Ganon: Choose one.
Link: {Thinking} Well…I'll have to go with…um…Warp Jewel.
Ganon: All right! And your question is…. Who is the most handsome man in the land?
Link: Um…
Ruto: Pick you! Pick you!
Sheik: Oh, it's totally me.
OV: Yeah, I know.
Link: Um…
Ganon: TIME'S UP! The correct answer is… ME! GANON!
CP: We shoulda saw that coming…
Ganon: And tell him what he's won, Johnny!
OV: What, now?
Evil Announcer Voice: Link has won the Downside Prize! If you answer a question wrong, then you must take a penalty that is concealed in the form of a prize!
Link: Oh crap.
Ganon: {whips out a cue card} And your 'prize' is to wear a pink lacy tutu and dance the Macarena until your next turn, or until you roll a five.
Link: Roll a five? We're not even using dice!
Sheik: Oh, this is great…
A bright flash of light is around Link, and when it vanishes, he is wearing the above said clothing item. A Skultulla stands by with a stick.
Skulltula: Dance!
Link: Never!
Skulltula: {Pokes the backs of his knees} Dance!
Link: Geeyaa! {dances}
Ganon: All right, OV, it's your turn!
OV: Whoo boy… {presses the button}
SFX: Ding-dong!
Ganon: That is the sound that means you have a special question!
Audience: Oooh! Ahhhh!
Ganon: You have a choice of either Insanely stupid question or Wacky Wild Definitions. What is your choice?
Draken: What the-
OV: I'll take the Insanely stupid Question.
Ganon: All right! What kind of underwear am I wearing?
CP: What in blazes?
Zelda: Don't answer it! I don't wanna know!!
Ruto: Flapping fish fins, what a question!
All: {Stare at Ruto}
Ruto: What? It's an expression… {mutters} Stupid landlubbers…
All: o.O
Ganon: Hey! Do you have an answer? {Snickers} She'll never get it.
OV: Um…
Ganon: TIME"S U-
OV: Commando! I choose commando!
All: Eww…
Ganon: Great Scott!
Beth: Ten points…
Amy: …Is awarded.
Link: {Stops and stares} HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT?
Skulltula: DANCE! {pokes his eye}
Link: Eeyow! {dances}
Ganon: {evilly} I'll never know how you knew that, but…tell her what she's won, Johnny!
Johnny: OV has won the privilege of singing "Drive" By Treble Charger!
Ganon: So THERE!
OV: YEAH!
CP/Draken: Oh god…we're so doomed.
Sheik: Why do you say that?
Draken: She couldn't sing to save the world…
Zelda: Ah…that's sort of what we're trying to do here…
CP: Aren't we trying to save the gameshow?
Ruto: Technicalities…
There is a puff of smoke and two more poes appear on the set. The first is Flat, the second is Sharp. They are the composer brothers.
Flat: And a one, and a two…
Sharp: And a one, two, three…
A guitar starts up, followed by drums.
OV: {loud and off key} I tired of thinking less of what you heard me say… I'm troubled I confess it's clear that I can't stay…
Ganon: {blinks} Whoa…moving on… Ah…Zelda, it's your turn…Zelda?
The contestants are huddled together in a small circle at the back. There is much whispering.
OV: SURRENDER NOW I guess, safe to FACE THE LIGHT OF DAY…I'll tell you all the rest, it'll have to BE ON THE WAY…
Ganon: Must…ignore…emphasized words… ZELDA!
Zelda: Got it! {presses the button}
SFX: BOING!
Ganon: That means that you are—
OV: Driving through the night! The streetlights shine so bright; oh they're so bright…
Flat: Good, good! Keep going!
Ganon: That you are to choose from either Hard History or Wacky Wild Definitions. Which will it be?
Zelda: Um… Hard History.
Ganon: Okay…Tell us why I wasn't able to contain the Triforce.
Zelda: That's bec—
OV: Cause it's driving way too fast and it's me behind the wheel! I know it's been a blast, don't know how I'm supposed to feel, the more I hit the gas, the less it seems to be real…
Ganon: Will someone shut her up! She's interrupting the game!
Beth: Actually, we can't…
Ganon: Why not?
Amy: It's part of the game, itself.
Joelle: She can't stop until she's done…
Beth: And then she gets free passage to the doors.
OV: Driving through the night, the streetlights shine so bright, but I don't feel all right…
Ganon: What doors?
Joelle: The bonus round doors.
Ganon: What are they for?
Amy: The prizes.
Ganon: I make up the prizes!
OV: Driving through the night, the streetlights shine so bright, but I don't feel all right…
Beth: Not the bonus round prizes.
Ganon: And why not?
Amy: It's in the contract.
Bob: {appears} Hello.
Ganon: Go away! I get it!
Bob: {vanishes}
OV: Driving through the night, and it's all right…
SFX: DING-A-LING-A-LING!!!!
Sharp: Bravo! Bravo!
Flat: That was great!
Sharp: But we must be going now…
Flat: Good-bye!
The two poes disappear and OV shimmers. She reappears near the PRIZE DOORS.
Ganon: CRAP!
Contestants: {Cheer}
Ganon: {grumbles} Choose a door.
OV: Eenie, meenie, minee, moe…
Ganon: Just choose one!
OV: FINE! Number three, please.
Ganon: Tell her what she's won, Johnny!
Johnny: She has won a package of double AA batteries!
Ganon: NOOO!
Rest: YES!
Audience: BOOO!
OV hold up her prize with a grin, shoving it into the back of her remote control. Quickly, she presses pause. Walking around, she moves things, and then returns back to her spot beside Draken and Sheik.
Draken: Wha?! How did you-?
SFX: THUNK!
Ganon is seen, sprawled face first into one of the giant marble slabs in the marble pit.
Ganon: OW!
Bob: {appears} I'm sorry Ganon, but your time with HOT is up.
Ganon: Already?
Bob: Yes. You must leave the premises immediately.
Ganon: But…but…
Bob: Please, we don't want a big scene.
Ganon: I'll be back, and when I am, you'll be sorry! {Flies away}
Ruto: That's what you always say…
Zelda: What about my question?
Link: {puffing} What about ME? Can I stop, now?
OV: Yes, yes… {presses stop on her remote}
Link: {falls to the ground}
Draken: Well…that was less than fun… {turns} I'm going back to the resort… I have The Wind Waker to play…
Sheik: What happened to The Four Swords?
Draken: Oh, I finished that ages ago… this Zelda is for GameCube.
Sheik: Am I in this one?
Draken: Sorry, man…
Sheik: Dammit all!
Zelda: Watch your language!
Sheik: Sorry.
OV: Okay, everyone leave, I have a lot of cleaning up to do.
Everyone goes; Sheik and Draken head for the resort, Sheik pestering him about the Wind Waker. CP blips out, and OV stands alone on the set. She shoos away the evil audience, and chats with the three poe sisters for a moment. Then they go as well.
OV: Well then.
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Wow. Long chapter. See you all next round! Oh, and "Drive" Is by Treble
Charger. I don't own it.
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