HOT: Round four
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Disclaimer: As usual, I own nothing. Well, the Remote ControlTM is mine…but that's just the source of my authoress abilities… Don't steal it, please.
And, yeah, this was started in April and finished in July. Deal.
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It's cold. It's terrible and horribly frigid. There is snow on the ground that is three feet high, and there is a single person in the thick of it, struggling to make a path in the snow. This is OV, one of two Canadians at the Hylian Resort, is shoveling in the afternoon. There is only one thing she has to say to that.
OV: BRING IT ON, BABY! {flexes her arms} HUGHHHYEEAH! That's the stuff!
Draken, a cheery smile on his face, wanders by with a snow blower, blowing the snow back onto the cleared path.
Draken: {waves}
OV: Damn yooouuuu…
Sheik: Brr. Can we play the game today? You haven't done it in a while. {whispers} I think all the reviewers out in Reviewer Land are out to get you…
Sheik/OV: {look around}
OV: Okay, okay…gather everyone around.
Ruto, Zelda and Chibi Planeteria appear. Slowly everyone trudges to the set of the game show. The theme song plays and the audience claps.
OV: Charlie and the Chocolate Factory sponsor Today's round! Everyone in the audience will be entitled to Hot Chocolate during the show!
Audience: YAY!
Ruto: {chattering} Why is it so cold? I thought that it was May!
Draken: It is.
Ruto: Buuut…?
OV: The weather is weird in Canada right now…it snows…
Draken: …then melts…
CP: …then rains…
OV: …then snows…
Draken: …then melts again…
CP: …then rains again…
OV: …then snows again…
Draken: …then melts again…
OV: …then—
Ruto: We get it.
Zelda: Completely.
OV: Good. Then let's get to today's round. Considering that I was left by myself to clean up the mess from Ganon's set…today will be a series of physical challenges!
Draken: Currently the scores are as such: Sheik is in the lead with a whopping 60 points, CP is in second with 35…
CP: Yay!
Draken: Ruto, Zelda and Link have thirty points, and OV has ten points from Ganon's bonus round.
OV: And you have nothing.
Draken: -_-;;
Sheik: Hey…where is Link, anyway?
….
….
….
Ruto: YOU LOST MY LINKIE-POO?!?!
OV: Well…
Ruto: WHY YOU LITTLE--!
Zelda: Language!! {to OV} You lost the Hero of Time?
OV: I didn't lose him! {Pulls out sparkly cue cards} Link is today's Super-duper surprise prize! If you are able to gain the most points by the end of the round, then he…is yours for the day!
Ruto: Wow! {flutters about}
Sheik: {grins evilly} Heh..heh…heh…
Zelda: Did he actually agree to that?
OV: Er…MOVING ON…
Draken: The first test is to swim across this lake of jiggling Jello!
A curtain appears and is then drawn back. Indeed, there is a pool of green jiggling Jello. Floating in midair is a transparent Zora ghost.
Ruto: Mikau?
Mikau: Hey there, Ruto, baby…
OV: Mikau, here, has kindly offered to officiate in the swimming desserts round.
Mikau: I don't have much to do, now that I'm dead. Can't even play my guitar anymore.
Ruto: There, there… {Hand goes right through him}
Mikau: -_-;;
Draken: Everyone to the starting line, please!
Zelda: I am not swimming through Jello in a dress!
CP: Oh, suck it up…
OV: Hrm…that is a problem, isn't it…
Ruto: Not for me.
OV: I got it! {pulls out Remote Control} I'll just change the channel!
CP: What the—
There is a static buzz, and suddenly the snow melts. Everyone shimmers and they are all wearing bathing suits.
CP: GEYAAH! {Points at herself} Begone evil swimsuit! {It turns back into real clothes}
Ruto: {stares at her water wings} What the hell?
Zelda: Language! {Twirls in her old-school bathing suit} It's pink!
Sheik: What. Is this?
OV: Heehee!
Draken: Oh. My God.
Audience: {whistles}
Mikau: Nice Speedo, man.
Sheik: Clothes! By the Eye, clothes!
Mysterious voice: Excuse me, but that will have to be censored.
OV: Wha?
Everyone turns around, only to see that there is a monkey with a black sunglasses and a black tie sitting right in front of the audience.
Sheik: Who the hel-
Zelda: Language!
CP: Who are you?
Draken: DONKEY KONG!!
OV: {pats him on the shoulder} No, no he's not…
Draken: Aww…
Censor Monkey: I am the censor monkey. It is my job to survey the propriety of OV's fanfiction. I find that a Speedo may be offensive to some readers.
OV: That is so bogus…it's not like they can actually see anything.
CM: Sorry, but that's the way that the ball bounces. Incidentally, I am also here to thank Zelda on our behalf.
Zelda: Me? Why?
CM: You have been cracking down hard on the swearing in this fic. Good job.
CP: Oh, please…
OV: {defensively} This fic is PG-13! It's allowed!
CM: Sorry, but this is my job, Ma'am. Here. {claps his hands} I give you…trunks!
There is a puff of purple smoke, and a short little blonde kid is standing beside CM. He looks around.
SLBK: Where am I?
CP: IT'S TRUNKS!
CM: Ah…whoops…
Goten: {appears} Trunks! What are you doing?
Trunks: Someone summoned me! It wasn't my fault!
Goten: Oooh, is my dad going to be mad at you…
They vanish.
Draken: Well, now…
CM: I apologise for that…it was vague. Here—I give you SWIMMING trunks!
There's a puff of purple smoke and Sheik is wearing nice black swimming trunks.
Sheik: Thanks.
CM: No problem. I must be going now. {Does the eye, point thing} I'm watching you… {disappears}
OV: I'm going to have to stop letting everyone in…sheesh…
Mikau: Uh, dudes and dudettes?
Draken: Right! {does an Ash thing} Let's do this!
CP: Oh good lord…
Draken: Everyone line up!
Everyone lines up at the edge of the pool. The Jello jiggles mockingly.
Mikau: And, like, go, man!
All contestants dive into the pool. Ruto slices in, and starts flailing about. Sheik slices in and starts flailing about. Zelda slices in and starts flailing about. CP hits the surface hard and bounces back.
CP: What the hell?
Zelda: Language!!
CP: BITE ME!
Draken/OV: -__-;;
Sheik: This isn't too bad, really…
Random Person: NOW YOU'VE JINXED IT ALL!!!
Ruto: What are you talking about? Now YOU'VE jinxed it all!
Random Person: {gasps} You're right! NOW I'VE JINXED IT ALL!! YOU'RE ALL DOOMED!
OV: {Throws a beach ball at him} Go away!
Random Person: {Takes a scoop of Jell-o and runs away}
Mikau: Oh, and dudes and dudettes…watch out for Jello, like, sharks, all right?
All: Jello sharks?
SFX: {Jaws theme}
CP: Swim! Swim for you lives!! {prances on the sidelines}
Draken: Aren't you supposed to be swimming?
CP: Shuddap.
Zelda:{turns around} Ack! {waves hands at ominous shark} Go away, jiggily fiend!
SFX: POOF!
Sheik: Think! What is the enemy of jello?
OV: Well, the opposite of jiggly is not-jiggly, and the opposite of jello is…um…er…
CP: Oh, for heavens sake. It's jello! EAT IT!
All: But…
Ruto: Wailing water witches… {crosses the finish line} TA-DA!
Mikau: And the winner is, like…Ruto-baby!
{Confetti falls through the air, the contestants vanish then reappear at their podiums, and the pool of jello disappears.}
Draken: Thank you, Mikau, for helping us.
Mikau: Totally, dude. (fades away)
OV: All right! Fifteen points for Ruto, for crossing the finish line.
Draken: Also, ten points to Zelda for zapping a jello shark.
OV: And five points apiece to Ruto, Zelda and Sheik for a clean dive into the jello.
CP: What about me?
OV: You didn't even swim after the sharks appeared.
CP: So?
OV: Sorry, but no.
CP: {Sticks tongue out}
OV: Okay, let's recap points, shall we?
Draken: Sheik is still in the lead with an impressive 65 points, Ruto is in second with 50 points—
Sheik: Must. Get. Ahead!
OV: CP and Zelda have 35 points, Link has thirty and I still have ten points from Ganon's bonus round.
Draken: {grumbles} And I still have none.
CP: {giggles}
Draken: Quiet, you.
OV: The next task to complete in this round will be officiated by the Goddess of Power, Din!
{A tall woman with long red hair steps into the newly created spotlight. She is wearing a floaty dress of a scarlet haze, and she holds a microphone in one hand.}
Din: Thank you, OV.
OV: No problem, Din.
Audience: {In awe}
Din: In the next round, you will have to take a piece of paper from this hat-
{You see a crimson top hat}
Din: {cont.} –And perform the task to the best of your ability.
CP: That's it?
Din: That's it.
OV: All right! For this, we will go alphabetically. CP, please take from the hat.
CP: What? I hate being first! You know that!
Draken: Too bad.
CP: Why, I otta…
Din: A-hem…
CP: I don't even know who the heck you are!
Zelda: CP! She is a goddess! Of power!!
CP: So?
OV: Ack! Just go!
CP: Fine, fine…
{CP leaves her pedestal and takes a piece of paper from the hat. She hands it to Din.}
Din: "Do a hand stand for ten seconds."
CP: Done and done!
{CP does a handstand for ten seconds}
OV: Brava! Judges!
Judge #1: 8
Judge #2: 9
Judge #3: 8.5
Draken: {pulls out a calculator} Averaged out, that is… approximately an 8!
Audience: {cheers}
OV: Ruto! You're next!
{Ruto takes a piece of paper from the hat. She hands it to Din.}
Din: "Walk across these hot coals."
Ruto: Are you insane?? What hot coals?
Din:
{points to the newly created hot coals}
Ruto: Ah. {Gingerly puts a foot on the coals}
SFX: SIZZLE
Ruto: GEEYA!! {Dashes to the other side of the coals}
Draken: Um. Judges?
Judge #1: 4
Judge #2: 5
Judge #3: 2
OV: {scribbles on a piece of paper} That evens out to about…4!
Ruto: {nursing crispy feet} HOW DOES THAT WORK?
OV: Sheik! You're up!
{Sheik dips his hand into the hat. He hands the paper to Din.}
Din: "Do a little dance. Make a little love. Get down tonight."
Sheik: {Blinks} Excuse me?
Din: You heard me.
Sheik: Um. Censor Monkey?
Censor Monkey: What?
Sheik: Can I do that?
Censor Monkey: I don't see why not.
Sheik: Er. Okay then.
{Sheik does a little dance.}
OV: SHAKE IT, BABY!
Draken: {stares at her}
OV: Um…never mind…
{Sheik hesitates, then kisses Din on the cheek.}
OV: It shoulda been me!!!
Five other girls in the crowd: *SWOON*
Several others reading this fic: Me! Me! I'm kissable!
Everyone else: -__-;;
Sheik: Ah…be right back. {walks off set}
Din: Where's he going?
OV: That's a good question.
…
…
…
Draken: Moving on! Zelda, it's your turn!
Zelda: B-but, what about my brother?
OV: He said he'd be back.
Zelda: But—
OV: So, he'll be back!
Zelda: But—
All: GO, ALREADY!
Zelda: DON'T GET PUSHY!
{Zelda reaches into the hat. She passes the paper to Din with a bow.}
CP: Show off.
Din: "If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands."
Ruto: What?? I get 'walk across hot coals,' and she gets 'clap your frickin hands'?
Zelda: {clapping} Language!!
Ruto: BLOODY WELL BITE ME!
Audience: Ooooh…
Random Person: Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry!
CP: Go away!
{Ruto and Zelda start a catfight. The audience chants, and CP strangles the random guy.}
OV: Whoo boy. This is going to take a while.
…
…
…
{Later, at night time. The set is a mess. House elves borrowed from Hogwarts are scurrying around, cleaning up everything. On one side of the set, Ruto is floating in a large tank of water. On the other side, Zelda is tied up in a containment jewel. Both are glaring at the other.}
Sheik: {Finally walks in} Whoa. What happened here?
OV: Where the hell have you been???
Sheik: {Holds up a bag} I went and got down.
Draken: {Eating ice cream} Say what now?
Sheik: Down. I went and got down, tonight.
{OV, and Draken stare at him.}
OV: You aren't talking about…
Draken: …Bird…down…do you?
Sheik: Of course. How else do you get down?
OV: -_-;; Whoo boy. {Goes into the Hylian resort}
Sheik: What?
Draken: Never mind, dude. Never mind. {Follows OV}
Sheik: No, seriously… What?
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Heehee…my little innocent Sheik. Ain't he cute?
Sheik: I still don't get it.
Lol. Next chapter's the last round folks…then there is some other stuff. Oh, just for clarity's sake, this was finished in July, and started in April. I think that I might have already said that somewhere, but… Meh. That's why there was snow at the beginning of the chapter. Now it's blazing hot here. ::melts::
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