Lost, Confused, Unkind (Sequel to "Freaked")
Chapter 1
When I pick up this story Matt & I had been together for a little over 3 months & to say everything had been peachy would be a lie! I was finding it hard to be with him after everything that had appened and it drove me crazy! I loved him & I wanted us to be together but no matter how hard I tried everytime we got intimate I had flashbacks of what Mick had done to me. Life was so unfair! Here I was finally with the man of my dreams yet not able to fully 'be' with him at all! It made me so angry that Mick had done this to me! Not only had he physically abused me but he'd gotten into my head & managed to ruin the entire rest of my life as far as I could see! he was thousands of miles away rotting in jail & yet he hadnt left me at all, he was still there! Everytime I turned out the light, everytime I closed my eyes & everytime I looked into the mirror & saw the gradually fading scar above my eye that was hardly noticable to anyone but I saw it! I remembered the pain that ripped through my head when he'd hit me there, the memories were twice as painful as the actual event. At that point in my life I felt like it would never go away!
I didn't tell anyone how I felt, not even Matt! I just got up every morning & tried to deal with it the best way I could. I went about getting on with my life the best I could. But it terrified me that it would never end, maybe my 'brave face' wouldn't last forever?
Matt, as ever, was very understanding when it came to the sexual part of our relationship. He kept saying, "Give it time!" and another classic was "You've been through a lot!" But in the back of my mind I always wondered just how much time I had with a guy like Matt! How much longer before he gave into the temptation of a georgeous young fan & forgot I even existed? It could happen.........and I couldn't blame him for it either! Who knew, maybe it already had?
Eventually (and secretly) I went to see a councillor. "Tell me about your life!" she'd say, "We need to tackle the problem at the source!" She'd cheerfully remark! Oh yeah of course, how stupid of me! Coucillors fix everything, they mend broken marriages, cure addictions & illnesses, they speak & the world is put to rights!!!! WRONG!! All she did was anoy me! I sat in her office one day & realised I was paying this woman by the hour to piss me off! No thanks! I had 3 sessions & never went back! I could piss myself off for free!!
I had a letter from Mick's sister once. She'd speant 47 pence on a postage stamp just to tell me what a slut I was! I actually found it funny that she'd even been bothered to write it all down & post it to me! Then again Maggie always had been a pathetic whining bitch! I threw the letter in the fire & I hadn't even thought about it since, until now! At the time I had more important things to worry about than the immature sister of a pshychopath!
I was back to looking after the children as I said at the end of my last story. Truth be told they kept me sane! I loved my job & I Loved those kids like they were my family! So, I wa slightly upset when the Jamesons announced they were going away to Europe for 4 weeks & taking the kids with them!! I'd be lost without them, I knew I would! Mr & Mrs J offered to pay for me to go home while they were away, but the thought of being that close to Mick made me sick to my stomach! I didnt even want to be in the same country as him! The thought of being without the kids scared me, because if I didnt have them to keep me occupied, God knows where my mind would wander to. The day they left I cried.
Chapter 1
When I pick up this story Matt & I had been together for a little over 3 months & to say everything had been peachy would be a lie! I was finding it hard to be with him after everything that had appened and it drove me crazy! I loved him & I wanted us to be together but no matter how hard I tried everytime we got intimate I had flashbacks of what Mick had done to me. Life was so unfair! Here I was finally with the man of my dreams yet not able to fully 'be' with him at all! It made me so angry that Mick had done this to me! Not only had he physically abused me but he'd gotten into my head & managed to ruin the entire rest of my life as far as I could see! he was thousands of miles away rotting in jail & yet he hadnt left me at all, he was still there! Everytime I turned out the light, everytime I closed my eyes & everytime I looked into the mirror & saw the gradually fading scar above my eye that was hardly noticable to anyone but I saw it! I remembered the pain that ripped through my head when he'd hit me there, the memories were twice as painful as the actual event. At that point in my life I felt like it would never go away!
I didn't tell anyone how I felt, not even Matt! I just got up every morning & tried to deal with it the best way I could. I went about getting on with my life the best I could. But it terrified me that it would never end, maybe my 'brave face' wouldn't last forever?
Matt, as ever, was very understanding when it came to the sexual part of our relationship. He kept saying, "Give it time!" and another classic was "You've been through a lot!" But in the back of my mind I always wondered just how much time I had with a guy like Matt! How much longer before he gave into the temptation of a georgeous young fan & forgot I even existed? It could happen.........and I couldn't blame him for it either! Who knew, maybe it already had?
Eventually (and secretly) I went to see a councillor. "Tell me about your life!" she'd say, "We need to tackle the problem at the source!" She'd cheerfully remark! Oh yeah of course, how stupid of me! Coucillors fix everything, they mend broken marriages, cure addictions & illnesses, they speak & the world is put to rights!!!! WRONG!! All she did was anoy me! I sat in her office one day & realised I was paying this woman by the hour to piss me off! No thanks! I had 3 sessions & never went back! I could piss myself off for free!!
I had a letter from Mick's sister once. She'd speant 47 pence on a postage stamp just to tell me what a slut I was! I actually found it funny that she'd even been bothered to write it all down & post it to me! Then again Maggie always had been a pathetic whining bitch! I threw the letter in the fire & I hadn't even thought about it since, until now! At the time I had more important things to worry about than the immature sister of a pshychopath!
I was back to looking after the children as I said at the end of my last story. Truth be told they kept me sane! I loved my job & I Loved those kids like they were my family! So, I wa slightly upset when the Jamesons announced they were going away to Europe for 4 weeks & taking the kids with them!! I'd be lost without them, I knew I would! Mr & Mrs J offered to pay for me to go home while they were away, but the thought of being that close to Mick made me sick to my stomach! I didnt even want to be in the same country as him! The thought of being without the kids scared me, because if I didnt have them to keep me occupied, God knows where my mind would wander to. The day they left I cried.