Faded Fate

by Fireflylitsky

What happens when a group of deadly, S-Class criminals are tasked with the safety of a sheltered, danger-prone girl with no obvious skillset? Though, what she does have is a secret, one that not even she's aware of. As they work to unravel her mystery, she discovers there is more to these criminals than meets the eye… and they find it's not so easy to keep her out of harms way.

55. Waiting Games

"Plan B?" I questioned with a nervous waver.

"Yep!" Hidan and Deidara answered in unison. Oh, yeah, they were way too excited.

Not good–confirmed.

"Care to elaborate?" I pressed.

"Nope!" Hidan chirped.

"It's a surprise, Iz, geez," Dei chastised, going back to painting his nails.

"Yeah, Plan B as in BE patient, sweetheart," Hidan said, leaning in to plant a little peck on my forehead, "because it's probably gonna take me like a week or two to get everything all set."

"A week?!" I balked.

"Or two," he reminded, "Probably definitely two, now that I really think about it. Lotta prep. But yeah, don't make me say it again, I'm already suffering at the fuckin' thought." He gave me a deadly serious look, head angled and brows raised and I knew what he was getting at. The man definitely knew how to torture himself.

"What the heck are you planning that's going to take that long?!"

"You know what they say," Hidan began, planting his hands on his hips with a shrug, "if you can't bring the girl to the date, you bring the date to the girl."

"Hidan, no. No one says that…"

"She's right," Deidara agreed as he capped his bottle of nail polish and admired his toes.

"Well maybe they should!"

"Okay, so not the point. But also," I huffed, running my hands through my hair like a mad woman, "what does that even mean?!"

"It means relax, sweetheart," Hidan coaxed, grinning and completely unperturbed by my dismay. He laid his hands on my shoulders and gave them a reassuring squeeze. "I got this shit handled. Got a whole ass plan with a letter assigned to it and everything. Might need to make a trip or two to get everything I need, but nothin' too crazy I don't think!"

Deidara snorted out a laugh, further cracking his mud mask. "Yeah! Plus we do everything in pairs, so at least you can rest easy knowing he'll have a good, responsible babysitter the whole time. Hell, maybe I'll help, then you can really relax since I'm amazing and everything, yeah?"

"Exactly, and when we–wait what the fuck did you just say?!" Hidan snapped, glaring at Deidara. "You know you're younger than me, right?!"

"Only physically, yeah? Mentally speaking, I'm super mature–leagues ahead of you."

"You're so full of shit," Hidan growled, making a move toward him. "I am gonna mess up your nails so fuckin' bad, I bet they're still all tacky and shit."

"You better not!" Deidara cried, aghast and scooting back further on the bed. "I'm not gonna help you if you do!"

"Who said I need help!?" Hidan laughed, lunging for Deidara's toes, which, based on his horrified expression, were very much as tacky as Hidan suspected. Ripe for destruction.

"You need my help with Pain!" Deidara shouted his reminder, breathing out in relief when it managed to effectively halt Hidan. "You're gonna need me to talk to him about getting approval for the one thing. Yeah?"

"Approval?" I asked. "For the thing? What thing?"

Hidan let out a groaning sigh, apparently deeming Deidara's point valid enough because he paused his assault. "The thing, Sweetheart. C'mon, get with it," he tutted, shaking his head before returning his attention to Deidara, begrudgingly grumbling, "Yeah, okay, that'll probably go better for you. Pain ain't exactly my biggest fan at the moment."

Deidara gasped in a mockery of shock, "What?! But you're always so pleasant to him!"

"Okay. Shut the fuck up. The douchebag threatened Izumi, I'm not about to start bein' cool with the guy now, alright?"

Deidara's brows practically jumped up to his hairline. "I'm sorry, he what'ed Izumi?"

"It was empty," I assured quickly, not so sure that was true, but I wanted to ease the tension anyway.

"Yeah, and so is my jar of fucks to give, sweetheart," he dismissed with a flippant wave of his hand. "The dude said he'd lock her up if I did anything stupid basically."

Deidara pinched the bridge of his nose. "Anything stupid? She's totally screwed, man!"

"Not anything," I chastised, shooting Hidan a pursed-lip look of disapproval, "he's exaggerating. Just… look, guys, I don't know what this plan B is… and it is honestly so cute that you're getting all excited over it, and I love to see you getting along, but please be careful, okay? I don't think he was too serious but… I don't know. I think he could be. I just don't want anyone getting in trouble."

"Don't worry, baby girl," Hidan assured, looping his arm around my waist and tugging me into a hug. "None of the stupid parts involve you, I promise."

I deadpanned, not that he could even see my expression. "You realize that doesn't make me feel better, right?"

Hidan and Deidara both thought this was pretty darn funny. But maybe I was worrying a bit much… after all, they were S-rank or whatever, and that was apparently impressive.

Yeah, be cool for once, Izumi.

I was cool. I could be cool.

For days I tried being cool and oh my God… it was hard.

Having to watch those two whisper and cackle amongst themselves, constantly planning and plotting? Even dragging other people into it!? The whole thing seemed like it was becoming this massive production and I was somehow both clueless about it and the center of it.

But in an effort to maintain my stalwart coolness, I tried my best to just focus on normal things. Things I had control over.

Summer was in full bloom and most of my days were spent outside with the boys. Kakuzu was pretty strict about my continued physical therapy, which required lots of walking on my part, so Lucky would accompany me as we toured the grounds, always within sight of Kakuzu and Hidan as they trained of course.

Lucky would burp up some threads and tie them around my wrist to steer me back on course whenever he felt I'd meandered too far. On one occassion he even went so far as to encase me in a bubble and pull me along behind him with a thread–thus the Izumi Balloon was created.

It was highly amusing to pretty much everyone but Kakuzu, who found it in himself to get mad at both of us over it. Me for wandering so far to make Lucky go to such extremes, and Lucky for giving me a free ride instead of making me walk my ass back on my own two "spindly stick legs" as he called them.

Lucky either didn't understand or care about the scolding, because he simply scuttled up to Kakuzu, blurped the connecting thread into his hand, and ran off. Apparently he'd caught sight of Tobi and thought to stalk him for a while.

I found him later gnawing at the trunk of a particularly sappy tree–a real joy to get out of his threads by the way.

You see, the sap was shiny. That was something we discovered he was attracted to. We only came to find that out when Deidara's scope went missing, and after much to-do, was found under Kakuzu's bed along with a small horde of objects that Lucky apparently thought were valuable–old screws, loose change, a wad of dried up noodles, some knives, bottles of nail polish, a pair of handcuffs that no one would claim, and yeah… the list went on.

So Deidara got his scope back and after that, everyone knew where to look when something shiny went missing. Naturally, Kakuzu did scold Lucky and commanded him to stop hoarding treasure… but, I could tell his heart wasn't in it. He might have even been a little proud.

With everyone home for a bit, there were plenty of chores that needed to be done. It honestly felt kind of nice to get back into the routine of something, even if that something was cleaning. I could take care of most things in the house, but I left the more strenuous stuff to the boys–like hosing down Lucky because yes, after not too long he began to reek of rotting fish.

Thanks, Kisame.

And since it was partly Kisame's fault, he was designated as lead washer—another reason I decided to skip out.

Hidan and Deidara told me all about it of course, both of them wheezing laughing, talking over each other and finishing each other's sentences like they'd been besties for years.

Cute.

It really kinda was.

They went on and on about the effort it took just to wrangle Lucky, because apparently the little bugger thought it was like, a game of extreme tag or something? During the process Deidara got bubbled twice and Hidan's ankles got sewn together, the bottom of his chin all dirty and scraped up from how he fell.

I asked where Kakuzu was in all of this since Lucky would readily obey his commands, and I was told he was there, but just watching.

Yeah, that checks out.

It was crap like that, that made me worry about what they got up to when I wasn't around to keep them in line. The problem now was that I wasn't allowed to be around while they were 'working on things'.

Hidan somehow managed to rope almost everyone into helping him with various date night projects, and during this time, certain areas of the base became off limits to me.

Deidara even yelled at me to stop spoiling the surprise when I caught a glimpse of them building what looked like a fenced-in enclosure outside?! At that point I just stopped trying to figure anything out.

Itachi was one of the few members Hidan did not approach for help, so because of that, he'd often be the only one around in the afternoon, and I had to admit it was kind of nice to spend some quiet time with him.

We wouldn't do anything particularly special together. Usually I'd be on the couch reading, sometimes with a Lucky resting in my lap, and Itachi would scare the living beans out of me by suddenly appearing at my side, looming over me to ask something like, "do you mind if I join you?"

Of course I'd tell him no, I would never mind, and he didn't need to keep asking me.

"I'd hate to assume," he said when I first told him this.

And I gave him a stern, narrow-eyed look like 'too bad, you better start assuming, mister', to which he responded with a soft smile.

"My apologies, Izumi," he said, laying down on the couch across from the one I was on, closing his eyes and lacing his fingers together over his stomach. "I'll try to be less considerate in the future."

"Well thank you, I'd like that."

A small puff of a laugh escaped from his nose. "Strange girl," he murmured, perhaps more to himself than anything, and maybe it would have come off as an insult if he hadn't said it so fondly.

"Brooding boy," I countered under my breath, casting him a feigned dirty look.

His head lolled to the side and he opened his eyes to regard me. "You think I brood?"

"Oh, I know you do, Itachi Uchiha."

He raised a brown, the corners of his lips quirking up. "And your evidence for such a claim?"

"You're doing it right now, look at you!" I laughed, sitting up and gesturing over at him with my book still in hand, thumb in the spine so as not to lose my place as the pages flopped around.

"I am only laying here," he stated.

"Exactly! You aren't pouring over scrolls or cleaning weapons or anything. You're just lying there, brooding."

"The beginning stage of a nap hardly qualifies as brooding, Izumi."

"Pft! The way you do it, it does. And you don't even nap, so don't you try to pass this off as that because we both know you're full of it."

"Perhaps I wasn't napping," he conceded calmly, apparently amused by my tenacity over such a frivolous thing. "But I wasn't brooding."

"Okay, then what were you doing, mister?"

Wearing that wisp of a smile he rolled his head back to center, closing his eyes once more as he hummed, "Hm. Enjoying the company, I suppose."

"Yeah, see that's what I th–oh. Wait, what?" I blinked, sitting up straight to gawk at him properly.

His smirk grew bigger and he cracked an eye open, just one, to cast me a silent sidelong glance. "Hm?"

"Wh-but…I'm just over here reading quietly to myself? What's there to enjoy?."

He was quick to answer, "You're not that quiet."

"What? The heck is that supposed to mean?"

Itachi sighed, keeping his growing smile in check. "It's not a complaint, but you're a rather noisy reader, Izumi. For instance, right now, even though my eyes are closed, I can tell me saying so frustrates you by the way you just huffed from your nose."

I stared, mouth agape. How dare he be so accurate in reading me.

"Your jaw just fell open, I could hear that too. You do it a lot when you're reading, I assume when something surprises you. Sometimes you click your tongue like you're disappointed in a character's decision. Conversely, you'll hum in approval from time to time."

I didn't say anything and was surprised to find he actually continued on. Oh how I loved the ever so rare chatty Itachi.

"There are times when you turn the page so quickly you nearly tear it, but other times it's slow and you've been fiddling with the corner in preparation to turn it for some time. I can also tell when you've zoned out, as the page does not turn for a long time on occasion."

How the heck did he pay attention to all this stuff? Or better yet, why?! Itachi Uchiha would forever be the strangest creature alive.

"So no," he said. "Not brooding. Just listening."

"You honestly expect me to believe that you came in here to do nothing but listen to me be an annoyingly loud reader?" I asked, eyes falling deadpan.

"I never said it was annoying," he clarified first and foremost with a shake of his head. "And yes, I do."

"And you called me strange," I teased, flopping back onto the couch and curling onto my side to face him, hugging the book to my chest.

"I did," he mused, clearly not considering taking it back.

"That's kind of embarrassing," I laughed, cheeks dusting pink. "I thought it was just your eyes that were super powered. You really notice all that stuff though, huh?"

Speaking of which, his eyes cracked open and his head tilted onto its side until chin met shoulder, a curtain of black hair neatly framing his face. He said nothing more, just looked at me like that and it took me a moment to realize his sharingan had activated, tomoes circling his pupils slowly before coming to a stop.

"I notice," he murmured after a long, comfortable silence.

For two words without a whole lot of inherent weight to them, they sure felt heavy. I found myself holding a breath along with his gaze, not a word to say because my brain was absolutely blank before one question finally swam to the surface.

"What else do you notice?" I asked quietly, entranced with the way his eyes focused on my lips like he was reading them despite his excellent hearing.

He blinked slowly and lingered on the close, looking thoughtful before regarding me once more, his expression softening as it so rarely did. When he opened his mouth to respond, I almost thought the scream came from him, but no, Tobi was screeching his way into the room with Lucky hot on his heels, threads shooting out in an attempt to unmask him.

"WAHHH IZUMI! ITACHI! TOBI NEEDS HELP."

Well well well, if it isn't Tobi, destroyer of moments.

Tobi really did have impeccable timing when it came to getting between Itachi and I.

Of course I helped him, plucking Lucky up to give him a stern talking to for the bajillionth time about not harassing Tobi. When I waggled my finger at him, he tried to put it in his mouth, so I wasn't too sure my message came across as seriously as I would have liked.

For now though, Tobi was safe once more and the moment was gone. Reflecting on this, I figured that was probably for the best, because honestly, I didn't need anything to become complicated. And Itachi was always so… complicated.

I loved Hidan with all my heart, and that was simple.

Even after a week of suffering through his anxiety-inducing plans taking place around me, one look at him flashing that smile and hearing his laugh was enough to remind me that I was so stupidly head over heels for him.

Apart from the time he spent away from me so he could set up for 'stuff and things' as he so aptly put it, we were basically inseparable. Hidan, as it turned out, was quite versatile and downright multifunctional. He made for a good bed–big man, easy to sleep on. A good chair–except when he'd get a lump. A good planner–always reminding me when it was time for physical therapy.

He was very diligent about that.

On top of Kakuzu's strict routine, Hidan added what he referred to as bonus sessions–or boner sessions when he was feeling particularly hilarious. Those were, um, private physical therapy lessons that we didn't discuss with Kakuzu…

I liked them... uh... a good amount. A very normal, reasonable amount.

Harlot.

Yes, maybe. Anyway~

Not even in a sexual way, I practically lived on his lap, and the codependency of that was barely a thought in my head. Healthy coping mechanisms be damned. It felt too good–too safe–for me to care or question it. If he was sitting, I was sitting on him and that was that. This was something he made sure of and I didn't fight it one bit.

At night was when I appreciated this the most though. When I'd wake up shaking in a cold sweat from some horrible brimstone and snake themed nightmare and he'd already be holding me tight, whispering sleep-laced consolations into my hair. "It's okay, baby. Just a bad dream. I've got you. Remember where you are–safest fuckin' place in the world in my arms, sweetheart."

And he'd shower me in lazy kisses, rub my arms and along my spine, fingers twisting into my hair and scratching at my scalp. To be taken care of after a life of isolation was so jarring that I hardly knew how to handle it most of the time. I usually just melted into a blubbering blob of pure affection, but I wanted to return the gesture too!

I tried as much as Hidan would allow, of course. He was hellbent on being the caretaker–annoying–but sometimes if he fell asleep first I'd get to be big spoon, and I think he secretly liked that.

Despite all my gripes about the first full week of being back home, there was one notable highlight… for lack of a better word.

And the awkward conversation of the year award goes to PAIN.

He literally barged into my room after waiting about one second after one knock. Clutching a small paper bag, he approached me, hesitated for a brief moment, and blurted out this gem, "Do you desire pregnancy?"

Um, come again?

Naturally, I choked on air. "Sorry?!" I wheezed out, positive I misheard him.

He shifted uncomfortably and looked between me and the bag in his hand before clearing his throat and shoving it at me. "If you do not desire pregnancy, then take this medication daily."

"Wh..what?" I stared down at the bag and back at him, absolutely dumbfounded.

He gestured curtly to the crinkling bag grasped in my fingers. "There are instructions enclosed. From what I understand, you like to read, so do that and do not ask me any further questions on this matter." And then he was gone with a swift shut of my door, muttering under his breath about some sort of audacity Konan had to be busy now of all times.

After a moment of sheer processing and confusion, I shook the bag out to dump its contents onto my bed. There were just two items, a little clamshell style container with a ring of pills inside, and a small instructional booklet.

Birth control.

When Hidan came to see me later I sat him on my bed and relayed the bizarre story to him. After about five minutes of his wheezing laughter at the mere thought of Pain being so freaking awkward with me, he was beaming–going on and on about having wanted to come in me so bad for so long.

Flustered and red-faced by this shameless admission that I absolutely should have expected, I reminded him that it took a week of pills before it was safe.

"Perfect," he purred, sitting on the edge of the bed and pulling me to slot between his legs. "Just in time for our date."

Of course he'd still been hell-bent on his self-imposed 'no nut' punishment, despite my assurances that he'd repented plenty and by all means, come already. That I liked it when he did. But no, he said he wanted to prove he was a man of his word. Plus, he claimed it would make it that much better when he finally could.

At that point all I could do was roll my eyes. When Hidan was decided, he was decided.

So now, with this, he was that much more hyped up about it and he couldn't keep his hands off me, pulling me onto lap to straddle him, hands wandering up my thighs and between them, fingers expertly and quickly rubbing me into breathlessness even through my pants.

My hands found his chest and shoulders to steady myself against him. It wasn't long before my pants were gone and his fingers–two of them–were pushed deep inside me.

His other arm wrapped around my waist, clutching at my softness to guide my hips in rhythm with him. Bringing his mouth to my ear, he planted a kiss on the shell of it, lingering there to murmur, "Want you to ride my fingers, sweetheart. Can you do that for me? Until you come, baby girl?"

With a hitching breath I nodded with a quiet yes and he hummed in approval, moving to press a kiss to my forehead as he picked up the pace.

When he pulled back enough to get a look at me he just stared, adoring and pupil-blown as he whispered sweet little encouragements to me. "Fucking beautiful… there you go, baby–just like that. Riding me so good… God, I can't wait until you're on my cock."

With a swallow and many, many nods, I whispered out his name. He tipped his chin up at the sound of it, mouth falling open with a heavy breath as regarded me intensely from beneath his thick silvery lashes and heavily hooded lids.

"Oh, sweetheart," he groaned, speaking soft and low, not daring to break eye contact, "you've got no fuckin' idea how bad I've wanted to fill you up… feel your tight little pussy milk me dry… fuck–I'm gonna be thinkin' about it non-stop until our date."

"I–Is it soon?"

"Hm, kinda. Why, you gettin' impatient?" he asked with a playful edge, jolting into me with a little more fervor.

"Yes," I admitted breathlessly, "V-Very. I… Hidan, I miss you."

He cocked his head and pursed his lips, nudging his thumb against my clit which had me pitching forward with a whimpering cry. "Am I not taking good care of you, sweetheart?"

I shook my head vehemently because of course that wasn't it. Such an ass. He knew he took care of me very very well.

He'd ask all the time, come up from behind when we got a moment alone. Kiss my neck. Nose the hair away. And when I'd melt back into him, he'd murmur things like, "Mm, anything I can help you with, baby girl?" and if the answer hadn't been yes before, it usually was after.

He was excessively diligent about tending to my needs–I just wished it wasn't at the expense of his own.

So here and now as I desperately bucked my hips against the pounding of Hidan's thick, capable fingers, my body wilted so badly that I had to wrap my arms around his shoulders and crush my face into his shoulder with a whine.

"Oh, is that it right there? Did I find your sweet spot?" he murmured, gripping harder at my waist to help me rock along as my body went taut, losing all semblance of coordination. "Shh it's okay, I got you. Ride it out my sweet girl," he whispered into my hair, holding a kiss to the top of my head as I did just as he asked, moaning long and low against him until I went entirely limp in his grip.

"I… Hidan…" I breathed, "that's three times today… I know I said this last time, but I really don't think I have another in me…"

He laughed, pulling his fingers from me and wiping them on his leg before splaying that hand across my back to support me in these trying, horny times. "Don't say things like that if you don't want me to take them as a challenge."

"It's not a challenge, it's just a fact," I argued weakly, trying to catch my breath.

"Mm… maybe I'm just trying to set you up real good," he said, some of his playful tone tapering off. Pulling back to look at me, he attempted to fix whatever my sweat-drenched hair was doing. "I uh, I just got approval to go on a job, sweetheart. Just a little one, though. I should only be gone a few days."

"A job? I asked, brows knitting with concern. "I can't come with you?"

"I'm sorry, baby," he apologized with a tilt of his head. "It's too dangerous."

"Well… when are you leaving? Will Kakuzu be taking Lucky with you guys?" My mind was already reeling from the thought of having him not at my side.

"Not until tomorrow. And Kakuzu is staying here. It's gonna be me and Deidara this time."

Okay, that's weird.

"Deidara? Why… why Deidara?" That was so not normal–the switching of partners–and based on how those two had been commiserating non-stop, I knew it had everything to do with this Plan B. "This has something to do with me, doesn't it? Because I really don't want anything, Hidan. I swear. I'd much rather have you here with m–" I could hear my voice starting to take on a frantic edge and clearly Hidan could too because it bowed his brows and made him cup my face in his huge palms.

"Hey hey hey hey, calm down, baby. Tell me what's got you so worried. I know Dei looks like a sentient twig in a blonde wig, but he's actually pretty strong. You know I'll be fine, right?"

I nodded, biting my lip to keep from making some pathetic face. "I know you're both strong. It's not that, I… It's just… at night… with me and my issues…I just–I'm going to miss you."

"Oh…" Hidan let out a scraping exhale, eyes closing with a wince as he pulled me against him. "Shit. I know," he murmured, squeezing tight, "I know, but you'll be okay. Lucky will stay with you, alright? And if anything happens–it won't–but you know, hypothetically or whatever, Kakuzu will be just down the hall, okay? I'm so sorry, baby, I don't want to leave you. We'll be really quick, I promise. If it makes you feel any better, this isn't just for my own stupid plan, it's actual Akatsuki business too."

"Where are you guys even going?" I asked, just trying to focus on the facts and not the swell of dread building in my gut.

"Suna. We should be in and out. Nothing to worry about. A stealth job."

"Stealth?" I balked.

"That's right. It's when you're really quiet and–"

"I know what it is, Hidan," I blustered. "I'm having trouble seeing you and Deidara doing it."

This split a grin across his face and he let out a puffing laugh. "You don't think I can be stealthy? Shit, I snuck my way into here, didn't I?" he teased, gently rubbing at my chest and patting over my heart..

"That doesn't count," I decided quickly, fighting a smile because ten seconds ago I felt like I could have cried and it wasn't fair that he could give me this kind of emotional whiplash. "I was ill-prepared. My security systems were insufficient. Practically non-existent, Hidan."

"Pffft, nah, I infiltrated the shit out of them, baby girl" he said, kissing me through his smile. "Just like I'm gonna do to Suna. So relax. We've got another day until I go. We'll get you good and set up before then."

"Promise?" I asked pathetically, smoothing over his chest with a sigh.

"Promise. Now put some pants on," he said, clapping his hands against my ass. "Still got your normal boring physical therapy to do."

An Aside: Kisame and Itachi

"You've haven't hit me once, Kisame," Itachi noted, not without concern, dodging a long-armed swipe that went wide. "It seems you're the distracted one today."

With a narrow glare and a growling huff full of effort, Kisame grabbed Itachi by the shoulders and drove a knee into his abdomen. "Hah!" he gruffed, victorious for only a moment before a splintered log dropped to the ground in a puff of smoke.

"I'm certain that log never did anything to you," Itachi said calmly from behind. Kisame deadpanned, turning to see Itachi casually leaning against a tree, examining his nails.

"That log killed my parents," Kisame said matter-of-factly.

"I see," Itachi mused, hardly able to swallow down his amusement at his partner's interesting lie. "Now that you have your revenge, perhaps you can focus?"

"You complaining about not getting hit enough, Uchiha? 'Cause I can get Hidan out here, don't think I won't."

"You joke, but he's landed more strikes on me than you've managed to between this spar and the last."

Kisame grimaced, his shoulders slumping as he sulked over to the tree beside Itachi and slid down it to sit. "Yeah. I know," he sighed, and this level of angst coming from Kisame of all people was just so wrong.

"Perhaps you'd like to…erm," Itachi paused to clear his throat, "talk about it?"

"Sure, why not?" Kisame bit out a laugh, muttering to himself, "I can't even believe I'm doing this right now."

"Doing what?" Itachi asked like he didn't very well know.

"Coming to you with this shit."

"This shit." The bland repetition begged clarification.

Kisame pursed his lips and squinted at his partner. "Quit acting like you don't already know, Uchiha."

"Hm… I might. Does it have to do with Izumi?" he asked, deciding to sit as well, settling his back against that same tree beside his partner and pulling out a bento box containing dango.

"Maybe."

"Perhaps regarding her recent standoffishness? Toward you in particular?"

"Maybe…"

"Hm…" Itachi hummed like he was digesting new information and not week old leftovers.

"Does this please you, Itachi?" Kisame asked, glancing over at his partner with a loll of his head. "That for once I'm the one coming to you in need of Izumi advice?"

Itachi looked up from his food to meet that scathing look with one of blank innocence and a shrug. "And why would this please me, Kisame?"

Kisame snorted. "I'll take that as a yes."

"I'll admit," Itachi said, a light smile creeping onto his face with a small sigh of relief, "it's nice to be on this side of things for once."

"Yeah? Enjoying it, are you?"

"Immensely."

"You're a real shit, you know that?"

"You remind me often," Itachi said, pulling a pink piece of dango off the skewer. "Something most wouldn't do. I admire that about you."

"What can I say?" Kisame gruffed, rolling his shoulder like it was all in a day's work. "It's a rough job, but hey, someone's gotta do it."

Itachi nodded politely and finished chewing before looking to his partner with a subtle fondness. "And for that, Kisame, I am eternally grateful."

"Ugh, your gloating is so annoyingly self-deprecating, Uchiha."

"Sounds appropriate for a 'real shit'."

Kisame sighed, shoulders slumping. "Yeah, you got me there... Hey, how's the dango?"

"Mm."

"And you gave some to Izumi? Girl is looking peckish."

"I know she does," Itachi sighed, brows knitting ever so slightly at the thought. "I tried to give her all of it, but she insisted I keep some. She liked it very much though."

"That's good, that's good… good that she liked it," Kisame said absently, staring at the ground as he began destroying a fingernail with those gnawing teeth of his.

Itachi reached over, placing a light hand on Kisame's wrist to gently guide it back down. "No need to pick up my bad habit. You're worried about Izumi, I know."

Kisame huffed, rubbing at his neck as he cracked it this way and that. "I mean yeah, you know how she's been with me. She's usually like…my little buddy. My little bean. I'm just wondering if I should get her something too, y'know?"

"Like?"

"Like something to show I'm sorry?" Kisame questioned helplessly, throwing his hands up in the air in some exasperated shrug. "I don't know, it just feels so shitty to have her upset with me. I don't know how you live like this, man."

Itachi could do nothing but offer a sympathetic look for his partner. He knew all too well just how shitty it could feel to have her look at you like you were destruction incarnate.

Kisame sighed. "So what should I get her? Any ideas?"

"You realize who you're asking for advice from, right? Besides Orochimaru, I've probably hurt her the most in this world. Maybe you should ask Hidan, he seems to 'get' her."

Kisame scrunched up his face. "The guy whose skull I bashed in last week? Yeah, no thanks."

"Knowing him, he's probably already forgotten about it."

Kisame snorted. "Maybe… Man, I feel like I barely got to see her before I fucked it all up… pushed her to the ground? Why the fuck did I do that? Especially with the state she's been in… What the hell was I thinking?!"

Itachi hummed with an edge of agreement. "I suspect you weren't."

"And how are you not pissed at me?!"

Itachi shot him a quick, sharp look. "Who says I'm not?"

With a pause and a squint, Kisame clicked his tongue. "Touche…"

"I'm not the one to worry about though," Itachi added, returning his attention to a small patch of moss by his feet..

"I know, I know… I just don't want her to be mad at me anymore, y'know? This sucks."

"Surely you realize she's not mad, Kisame."

Kisame reared his head back with an incredulous shake of it. "Of course she is, she'll barely talk to me."

"Not because she's mad."

"What then?"

"Because she's scared."

"What?" Kisame balked at Itachi, his face dropping as he pulled his fingers down it, stretching out the bottoms of his eyelids with a groan. "Fuuuck, that's worse. That's so much worse. I'd rather her be mad!"

"She'll come around, Kisame," Itachi assured. "Just try not to toss her around or abuse her boyfriend anymore."

"Itachi fucking Uchiha," Kisame said in some sharply annunciated, scolding tone. Itachi met him with a questioning raise of his brows. "I cannot believe you're deciding to be funny during my suffering. Here I am, coming to you in my hour of need and this is what you give me?"

Itachi offered nothing more than a quiet smile.

"I wanna be mad at you, I really do," Kisame sighed, shaking his head and clicking his tongue. "But shit, that is some spectacular advice even if it makes me want to hit you."

"Please don't."

"Alright fine, but only because I don't need Izumi thinking I'm a psycho."

"From what I understand, that's her type."

"The fucking jokes today, Itachi!" Kisame laughed. "What has gotten into you?"

He shrugged, holding out the now naked skewer, devoid of delicious dango.

"Ah shit, I forget dango makes you cheeky... Okay but this is actually perfect. Help me come up with things that make me seem friendlier to Izumi. What do approachable people even look like?"

This was stupid, Itachi thought, but as nice as it was to not be the person causing Izumi distress for once, he would humor Kisame. "Well, you're rather large and imposing."

"Easy fix. I can just stoop to not be so tall."

A stupid idea. "And what about your physique?"

"What do you mean?"

"Your muscles, Kisame."

"What about them?"

"They are large."

"Yeah, they are." He grinned.

Itachi deadpanned. "You just wanted to make me say that." He was beginning to regret humoring him after all.

"That's beside the point, stay focused Itachi. My God, and they call you a genius."

Definite regret.

Kisame quickly wheeled them back on track. "Anyway, you had a point, I'll wear something to cover up my giant beefy bod."

"I'm going to ask you to refrain from ever saying that again."

"What? 'You had a point'? No problem, stricken from my vocab–you'll never have a point again. Anyway, back to my giant beefy bod. What could I wear?"

"I… I don't know, Kisame. I don't think there is anything that can cover it, now please stop making me talk about your massive body."

"Tch… some genius…" Kisame muttered.

Sometimes he could be so dramatic. "Maybe just try talking to her, Kisame."

He shook his head. "That's bad advice."

Itachi raised a questioning brow.

"Yeah, that's the same advice I gave Izumi about you, and look what that got her."

Itachi just stared for a moment, fighting to still the twitch of his eye. He let out a long sigh and decided aloud, "I don't like you."

Kisame's face split into a grin. "Is it because you love me?"

"No." Itachi stood and began walking away.

"Where do you think you're going, Uchiha?" Kisame questioned, amusement thick in his voice.

"I'm leaving."

"What?!" Kisame called out with a chuckle. "We just got started, when're you coming back?"

Itachi answered without so much as a glance, "I'm not. Goodbye."

"Goodbye forever?!"

"Yes."

Kisame burst out laughing before whipping a kunai at Itachi's back. At the last moment, Itachi seemingly flickered from existence, deftly dodging and snatching it out of the air.

He held it up, looking from it to Kisame like a parent questioning their child as to why they'd been running with scissors. "Is this supposed to entice me to continue sparring, Kisame?"

Kisame smirked. "It's supposed to, yeah. You want me to throw it harder or something?"

Itachi smiled lightly with a little gust of a laugh puffing from his nose. "Yes. Fine," he said, throwing the kunai back. "But I still don't like you."

A/N: Hidan and Dei adventure! *Smashes fists on table* Look I just love them being gremlins together, let me do this, okay?

Any guesses as to what they're up to tho?

As always, thanks for reading fam. Shout out to Azu who I can't reply to in the reviews but know they make my day every time, you are effing hilarious and I so appreciate your feedback every time XD special thanks to those of you who've been patient with me! I just got through KakuHida week so I'm back on track with fewer projects at once lol (I posted a bunch of stuff for it on my AO3 account and did art for all of it, found on my tumblr fireflylitsky, so it only LOOKS like I'm doing nothing on ffn XD but I have been very busily writing!)

This chapter had a ton of art in it on my AO3 account so if you want to see that, head on over, same handle except the fic is titled: Oh Honey, There Goes Your Bastard.

OH, one last thing! Some nerdy friends of mine just created a new Naruto Fanfiction discord server (18+), so if you'd like to join us in all of our unchecked nerdiness, don't be shy, come say hi! (I'll put the invite link here but idk if it'll work with what ffn does to links. If it doesn't work you can search it, it's called Naruto Fanfiction Shinden) /XweGzJ5H5U