During Krieg and Axton's absence, things sure did happen.
Torgue led Charlie, Vaggie, Angel, and the IMP on a tour of the Tundra Express, with Brick and Mordecai not far behind. The party came across a massive bunker door with bunnies scribbled all over it. "...AND IN HERE ARE SOME FOLKS I'D LIKE YA TO MEET!" said Torgue as he knocked on the tritanium door. A slot opened with a pair of eyes looking through. "WHOZZAT!? Oh, hai Torgue! Imma open the door, just a secco..." The bunker door rumbled as it opened to reveal a little blonde girl wearing a pink wizard's hat with bunny ears on it. "EVERYONE, MEET TINA, THE UNIVERSE'S DEADLIEST 13 YEAR OLD AND FELLOW EXPLOSION AFICIONADO! TINA, MEET CHARLIE!!" Charlie held her hand out. "Very nice to meet you, Ti-" The demonic princess found herself being shaken like crazy by Tina's unparalleled hand-shaking power. "Ohmygod you're so cuuuute!" Tina hugged Charlie, then jumped into her hair. "Oh god. So fluffeh. SO DAMNNNNN FLUFFEEHHHHH..." "Tina! Quit wallowin' all over Charlie's hair!" said Brick as he pulled the energetic demolition expert out of Charlie's golden locks. "Whoops, my bad. I'm cool now."
Tina led the group inside the bunker, where around a table sat a large, bald Russian man, an anthropomorphic rabbit, a anthropomorphic dog in a fedora and suit, and an elderly woman with immensely large muscles and a pair of triangular sunglasses. "You guys arrived just as we were getting wrapped up with a lil' session of Bunkers & Badasses." The Russian man stood up along with the dog and rabbit. "Heavy enjoys this Bunkers & Badasses game of yours, Tina. Heavy will be back next week with more Sandviches if it is OK with you." "Well, it was fun roaming the Wonderlands with you, but me and Max need to get back to working on our case!" "And thanks for the tips on the whereabouts of the Bunghole Burglar!"
As the trio of weirdos exited the bunker through a random portal, the elderly buff lady began waving. "HI, GRANDMA! I GOT SOME NEW FRIENDS I WANT YA TO MEET!" Charlie held out her hand again, only for her and the rest of her fellow hellspawn to be enveloped in a great big bear hug. "AWWWW, AREN'T YOU ALL JUST THE CUTEST! I'M GRANDMA FLEXINGTON, THOUGH YOU CAN JUST CALL ME FIST-BUMP!" "Wait.." said Vaggie as she and the others were released from the hug. "Your name is Fist-Bump Flexington?" "YOU THINK THAT'S A COOL NAME, YOU SHOULD HEAR MY GRANDSON'S NAME! TELL 'EM, SWEETIE!" Mr. Torgue cleared his throat, and then roared out: "MR. TORGUE HIGH-FIVE FLEXINGTON!" As he recited his name, the words appeared in bold behind him and explosions and guitar riffs appeared out of thin air. "...What!?" asked Vaggie as she struggled to process what she had just saw. "Eh, it's a Pandora thing." said Mordecai, reassuringly.
Elsewhere on Pandora, Axton, Krieg, and Scooter's ship had crash landed in the Dahl Abandon, where the trio, along with Claptrap, had been searching for a Catch-A-Ride station. "How do you not know where it is!? You own the damn company that makes them!" shouted Axton. "Hey, man, I gots millions of them things all 'cross the galaxies, I can't be expected to remember where they all is!" retorted Scooter, defensively. Just then, they came across a campfire, where a man with spiky hair, damaged glasses, and a scraggly beard sat. "Vaughn? What're you doing out here? I thought your bandit clan was set up in the wreckage of Helios Station." asked Axton, surprised. "Oh, hey Vault Hunters! Funny story how I got here. So me n' the Sun Smashers were just lounging about, doing our own thing, when suddenly some dudes in blue armor showed up and started calling us heretics and went on about how Butt Stallion is some 'lost treasure stolen from their God-Emperor'. Long story short, they killed every last Sun Smasher except me and are now holding Butt Stallion hostage." Axton loaded his Dahl Veruc rifle. "Alright, we're in. Anything else we should know?" "Well, Butt Stallion's been in some sort of sadness-induced stasis ever since Handsome Jack died, so you'll need to try and snap her out of it once you deal with the murder-zealots." Hearing this, Krieg got an idea. The psycho grabbed his phone and began dialing a number.
Back at Tina's bunker, the latter introduced Moxxie to another pair of her friends. "And here, Not-So-Mad Moxxie, are my gal-pals: Mushy Snugglebites and Felicia Sexopants." Tina motioned towards a pair of plush bunnies taped to ballistic missiles. "Uhhh, they're just stuffed rabbi-" Tina pulled out a large, pink Torgue pistol. "SHAKE THEM BUNNY HANDS, BOY!" Moxxie promptly shook the bunnies' hands. Suddenly, Tina got a phone call. "Dis Tina. Oh, hi Krieg! Huh? Butt Stallion's in danger!?" Tina hung up. "Listen up, people! Just got a call from Krieg n' Axton! According to Vaughn, Booty-Stall-Gal's bein' held hostage by muckabluckin' Space Marines! Now, if nobody has any objections, LET'S GO SAVE THAT SHINY-ASS STEED!!" "SAVING A UNICORN, HUH? SOUNDS LIKE FUN!" Grandma Flexington jumped from her armchair, holding a pair of missile launchers akin to the one Mister Torgue used to obliterate Sir Pentious' zeppelin. "Uhhh, the fuck's a 'butt stallion'?" asked Angel Dust. "WHY, ONLY THE SINGLE MOST BEAUTIFUL CREATURE IN THE KNOWN UNIVERSE! SHE IS LITERALLY MADE OF F@ DIAMONDS!!!"
REMAINS OF HELIOS, DAHL ABANDON:
Everyone had gathered together near where Butt Stallion was being held. Mordecai looked through the scope of his rifle to get a better view of what they were up against. Butt Stallion was inside a cage, being monitored by an old man in an officer's cap and trench coat, along with many men wearing heavy blue armor with large shoulder pauldrons. "Alright people, I did some recon, and this ain't gonna be easy from what I saw." stated Mordecai. "We're gonna need to form a strate-" "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!" Mordecai saw Krieg,Millie, Angel Dust, and Brick running like fucking madmen towards the quote unquote "space marines". "Ah, God damn it..." muttered Mordecai as he readied his rifle.
The man in the officer's uniform turned to see the quartet charging towards his location. "BROTHERS! Heretics and daemons approach! Do not let them steal that which rightfully belongs to the Emperor!" The space marines charged on his orders, screaming: "FOR THE EMPEROR!" Krieg ripped and tore through the marines, laughing maniacally as he did so. "HAHAHAHA!! THIS IS THE SECOND ACT IN A THREE-PART MEAT PLAY! AND I WILL WIN BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR!!" he screamed as he caved in another space marine's skull. Brick found himself chasing after one marine who was unfortunate enough to have ran out of ammo for his bolter. "AAAAAGGH! BROTHERS! HELP ME!" "WHY ARE YOU RUNNIN'!? WHY ARE YOU RUNNING!?" Millie was outright tearing marines' heads off with her bare hands. "BY THE EMPEROR, HOW MUCH STRONGER CAN THE DAEMONS GET!?" shouted one space marine as he received non-consensual cranial surgery, courtesy of Moxxie's wife.
Brick carried Tina to the captured Butt Stallion. "Alright, Brick! You n' the others keep the baddos off me, and I'll work my magic! Just call me the Butt Whisperer, heheh..." As Tina whispered into the petrified unicorn's ear, Brick found himself getting slammed across the face by the officer's large, cybernetic claw. "Greetings, heretic. I am Commissar Sebastian Yarrick, have you any final words?" Brick recomposed himself and clenched his fists. "I got 3! EAT KNUCKLE, PRICK!" Brick and Yarrick exchanged blows, only for Yarrick to slash Brick across the chest with his sword and kick him away. Millie jumped onto the commissar's back and began strangling him with her axe's handle. "Ha! Like wranglin' a Murderboar!" taunted Millie as she tightened her grip on Yarrick's throat. Angel Dust took the opportunity to unload his weapons into Yarrick's chest, but it seemed to have little effect on the commissar. Eventually, Yarrick grabbed Millie and threw her off his back and into Angel Dust.
Yarrick loomed over the demons, readying his chainsword. "You are persistent, I'll give you lot that. But no amount of determination can match the God-Emperor's will!" Before he could bring his blade down on Millie and Angel, Yarrick was suddenly impaled from behind with a unicorn's horn. "You're free, Butt Stallion! Now, FUCK 'EM UP!!!" shouted Tina from atop the diamond unicorn. Butt Stallion charged forward, shredding a trail through the horde of space marines. The heavily armored soldiers attempted to bring down the majestic steed with their bolters, only for the shells to harmlessly bounce off of Butt Stallion's crystalline hide.
"Alright, we got Butt Stallion, now let's get outta here!" shouted Axton as he and Mordecai picked off space marines from a distance. On the hill behind them, Grandma Flexington, Mister Torgue, and Scooter pulled up in a massive tank. "Aight, y'all are gonna wanna get your asses to minimum safe distance, 'cause me n' the Flexingtons are boutta light this place UP!!!" yelled Scooter throughout the Vault Hunters' comms. Grandma Flexington pushed a button, and an absurd amount of missile launchers, artillery cannons, nuclear warheads, and the like emerged from the tank. "HEY, VAUGHN! THE HONORS ARE ALL YOURS!!" said Mister Torgue. "Oh, really? Well in that case, this one's for you, Sun Smashers!" Vaughn threw a switch, and the tank's weapons fired en masse.
Yarrick, somehow still alive despite the gaping hole in his chest, recomposed himself and saw the Vault Hunters and company making off with Butt Stallion. "Retreat all you want, heretics! This is not the end of-" As Yarrick looked up to see the barrage of missiles heading straight for him and his space marines, he had only one thing to say during his final moment upon the mortal coil: "Mummy!?" The resulting explosions vaporized any and every living thing within their radius, which thankfully, our heroes weren't in. By the time the dust settled, all that remained of Commissar Yarrick was his hat and his cybernetic claw.
"AW HELL YEAH! THAT'S GOTTA BE THE MOST AWESOME EXPLOSIVE DISPLAY I'VE SEEN IN YEARS!" shouted Grandma Flexington, triumphantly. As she and her grandson performed an air guitar duet, Charlie and Vaggie climbed out of the Torgue Tank. "Holy shit, hun, where did you learn to drive a tank!?" "My dad taught me when I was younger, when he thought I'd be leading Hell's most powerful demons in a war against the gods instead of redeeming sinners." Moxxie ran over to Millie. "Honey, are you ok?!" "I'm fine, Mox." said Millie as her husband grasped her hands. "Though that guy in the hat broke my favorite axe. Joke's on him, though! I got his sick-ass chainsaw sword thing!" Millie pulled out and showed off Yarrick's chainsword, revving the blade.
LATER, BACK AT SANCTUARY:
"Make way for the Queen!" yelled Tina as she rode into town atop Butt Stallion. The citizens of Sanctuary looked on in awe at the sheer majesty of the crystal unicorn. As people gathered to see, Lilith came forth. "HEY, LILITH! DID YOU SEE THAT BIG F@ ' EXPLOSION!?" asked Mister Torgue. "Holy crap, that was you guys? Impressive!" Lilith turned to see Butt Stallion. "And I see Tina's brought home a new friend." The glittering steed whinnied with happiness. Tina hopped off and motioned for the others to come over. "Hey guys! I think Butt Stallion here wants to show her gratitude!" Krieg and company faced the pretty pony. Suddenly, Butt Stallion's stomach began rumbling. After a few minutes, she hurked up a pile of unusually shiny guns. "Ugh!" exclaimed Moxxie as he jumped backwards to avoid getting diamond throw-up all over himself. "Oh yeah, Butt Stallion's able to produce these super rare weapons if you feed her Eridium or any other sufficiently valuable crystal and/or gemstone." explained Vaughn as Blitzo and Claptrap jumped into the pile of fancy weaponry.
While Claptrap and Blitzo got into a fistfight over a Garnet Droog, a man in full Crimson Lance armor carrying a mailbag approached Krieg. "Got a message for one Krieg The Psycho here." The Crimson Mailman pushed a few buttons on his wristband, and a holographic display appeared, bearing the words: "Date at 7pm, tomorrow in the Lust Ring. Ozzie's. Don't be late. ;) - Verosika." Krieg, who had completely forgotten about the date, began panicking. "THE MEAT IS NOT THOROUGHLY COOKED! THE CRAZED CENTER IS STILL A PERILOUS PINK!! AND-" Salvador, who had been in Sanctuary with Sallie May this whole time, walked up to Krieg, and gave him a swift punch to the face. "Ay ay ay! Get ahold of yourself, amigo!" "THANK YOU!" shouted Krieg to Sal. "Wait, you've got a date with Verosika Mayday?" asked Moxxie, confused. "That woman'll bang anyone desperate enough, huh?" remarked Loona. "What's your guys' beef with Verosika?" asked Axton. "Well, to put it simply, she used to date our boss." said Millie, pointing towards Blitzo, who was now being chased by Claptrap wielding the previously mentioned Garnet Droog. "And when the breakup hit, ol' Blitzo didn't take it well. By which I mean he stole all of Verosika's credit cards and blew them all on horse riding lessons."
"HMMMM, I CAN ALREADY SPEW MY SOUL INTO HER EARS, BUT WHAT GOOD IS SCREAMING YOUR SOUL OUT WHEN I AM A MONSTER!?" shouted Krieg as he pointed to himself. "Well, I definitely wouldn't say you're a monster." said Maya, reassuringly. "As far as I'm concerned, you're a fuckin' stud!" remarked Angel Dust. "Though your duds could certainly use some work." said the flamboyant revenant as he gazed upon Krieg's ratty orange cargo pants. "I tried to get him to wear less war-torn attire several days back, but all we could get on him was a bow tie." recalled Vaggie. "That's probably 'cause the suits you got for him weren't tailored for a man of his physique." said Brick. "Say, maybe I could help make one for Krieg. Anyone else here know how to sew?" As Brick looked around, everyone simply either shrugged or shook their heads. "Seriously? Just me? Goddamn, you people need hobbies!" "Actually, there's someone back at the Hotel who could help you make a suit for Krieg, Brick. I've been meaning to go back there anyway." Charlie turned towards Blitzo. "Hey, Mr. Blitzo! Do you still have that Grimoire?" "Loonie's got it on her. Why, are we finally going back home?" replied Blitzo as Dr. Zed attended to his wounds, caused by Claptrap stabbing him with the bayonet of the once again previously mentioned Garnet Droog.
As the hellspawn gathered around a portal back to the Hotel, Lilith cleared her throat. "Okay, before they leave, does anyone else want to volunteer to join Brick and Krieg?" Mister Torgue promptly raised his hand. "ITS JUST TOO MUCH FUN DOWN THERE!" This was followed with Sir Hammerlock stepping forth. "I figure there must be all manner of demonic fauna and wildlife I can study and mount upon my walls!" And finally, Claptrap and Gaige. "Who knows what sort of horrendous monsters are down there!? Never hurts to have a brave, handsome robot down there to protect you!" "And I'll make sure YOU don't end up burning Charlie's hotel down in the process of 'protecting' it." Suddenly, an anchor on a chain came flying out of the portal, wrapped itself around Krieg, and yanked him into the Hotel. "What the-!?" exclaimed Vaggie. "CHASE THAT F&@ING ANCHOR DOWN!!" shouted Mister Torgue as he and the others followed Krieg through the portal.