AN: It's been a while, right? A new update, and more to follow, hopefully on a semi-regular schedule (life is a bitch & writing is the only thing that keeps me sane most of the time). Thank you, as always, for the words of encouragement.
The room is dark when Maura enters, lit only by the screens at the head of Jane's bed, bathing her in a ghostly white glow as she rests, sedated and safe.
She closes the hospital door behind her with a soft click, pausing to watch the steady, reassuring visual representation of Jane's heartbeat as it flickers across the monitor attached to her.
It has been four days since Daniel Martinez died.
Three days since Jane underwent lifesaving surgery to repair the injuries she sustained protecting them.
To protect the life they're making for themselves when Maura could not.
To protect Maura, after she'd failed to protect herself.
It's a crushing feeling that settles in Maura's bones as she slips further into the room, picking up the chart at the bottom of the bed and then sinking into the guest chair just as she has done for the past two nights when she's found herself lying awake, unable to shake the constant cycle of fear, shame, and guilt.
Fear that she'll lose Jane.
Shame that she didn't do enough to help.
And pure, heart-wrenching guilt that Jane risked everything to save Maura's life, even if it meant coming so close to losing her own.
She glimpses down at Jane's chart with glassy eyes, breath held as she scans the notes she's read enough times that she sees them when she closes her eyes, burned into her brain.
Patient presented with a stab wound in the anterolateral aspect of the right upper thigh. The entry wound measures approximately four centimeters by zero point seven centimeters, with penetration of deep tissues. No exit wound was observed.
The patient was unresponsive upon admission, tachycardia and mild arterial hypotension were observed. Initial examination shows hypovolemic shock as a result of significant blood loss. Whole blood transfusion started along with administration of norepinephrine on transfer to OR. Surgery revealed a two-centimeter laceration in the anterior aspect of the superficial femoral artery. The involved artery was successfully repaired. The patient was transferred to the intensive care unit for postoperative care.
The patient awoke from sedation at approx three p.m and attempted to leave the room. Sustained nondisplaced patellar fracture to the right kneecap, surgical intervention too much of a risk after trauma - fracture immobilized with a long leg cast. Daily awakening trials for the last forty-eight hours have shown the patient agitated and anxious, with attempts to remove intravenous lines and disrupt care. Light sedation is to be maintained.
Maura reads and re-reads, studying each and every familiar word until the bubbling nausea in her stomach begins to subside. She inhales and exhales shakily, silent tears streaming down her cheeks as she leans forward to return the chart, paying no mind to the sharp pain to her neck that the motion causes.
Nothing compared to the pain that she knows Jane must have felt as she'd quite literally battled for their lives.
She lifts her index and third finger to the gauze taped to her neck, brushing over the surface absentmindedly.
A single, three-centimeter laceration to the side of her neck - her sternocleidomastoid muscle to be exact. Not deep enough to take her life, but she'd panicked and fallen as Danny had cast her to one side, smashing her head against the hardwood floor of her office and splitting open her right eyebrow. She had been exceptionally lucky that she'd managed to hold the thick collar of the sweater she'd worn against the gush of blood from her neck, even as she'd floated in and out of consciousness.
She'd heard Jane screaming, and then she'd opened her eyes to Frankie hovering over her, both hands pressed tightly to her throat as he'd shielded her from the commotion that surrounded Jane.
He'd calmed her as the paramedics had stabilized her injuries for transport.
He'd blocked her view of Danny's body as they'd made their way to the ambulance.
He'd ridden next to her to the hospital, both hands tightly clutched around one of hers - stayed by her side right up until the moment she'd been taken for surgery and had been waiting in her room when she'd returned, climbing into the bed next to her to hold her as she'd learned about Jane's injuries and had broken down.
She doesn't know how she'll ever begin to repay him, or Frost, or Korsak.
Or Jane.
Her protector. Her savior. Her world.
She's fighting to contain the sounds of her upset, muffled weeping breaking through the barrier she creates with a hand over her mouth when Jane stirs, eyes flickering open with a soft groan.
Jane is still for a moment, blinking into the darkness before she attempts to push herself upright, weakly pushing away the blankets and wires surrounding her. She snatches at the intravenous lines in her forearm and removes them with a swift jerk, both hands moving to claw at the wires attached to her chest when Maura shoots up and crosses to her, unable to sit by and watch her struggle.
"Please don't."
"Let me up. Where's Maura?"
"I'm right here."
She covers Jane's hand with her own gently, preventing her from detaching the wires she's so desperate to remove.
"I'm right here, Jane."
Maura repeats the words softly, heart thudding when Jane slowly turns to meet her gaze. There's a moment of stillness between them as their eyes lock for the first time in days, staring at each other until Maura's face crumples and she begins to cry - stark, shuddering sobs that shake her shoulders violently.
"Hey." Jane gestures for her to move closer, frowning when Maura doesn't move. She bends at the waist, leaning as far as she can in Maura's direction, groaning with effort as she manages to grab hold of the sleeve of Maura's sweater, fingers bunching the material.
"Maur, please." She pauses to take a tired breath, tugging at Maura's sleeve until she's within reach. "Please don't make me watch you cry."
"I'm so sorry."
Jane shifts forwards, making a split-second decision to rip the monitor leads from her chest anyway so she can slide off the slide of the bed and onto her feet, holding the bed railing for balance with one hand. A shrieking flatline tone echoes through the room as Jane reaches out unsteadily, wrapping an arm around Maura's shoulders and pulling her close.
"You have nothing to be sorry for." Jane kisses the top of Maura's head, inhaling the familiar, comforting smell as Maura seemingly melts into her, arms looping around Jane's waist and hugging her timidly, afraid that she might cause even more pain. They stay like this, entwined even as the door to Jane's room bursts open, the sudden movement making them both jump.
"What do you think you're doing? You cannot be out of bed." A nurse that Jane vaguely recognizes yells over the screech of the alarm, scowling as she marches towards them. She's stern and fierce and slightly terrifying and Jane shoots her a frown as she rounds the side of the bed, silencing the alarm that had drawn her in here. "You are not supposed to be in here. How many times do I have to tell you?" She jabs a finger in Maura's direction and Jane frowns, eyes narrowed.
"She's fine. I'm fine."
"You are recovering, and until you can make it through a day without setting this alarm off and causing chaos then your visitation is restricted. You need to get back in bed, and you need to rest." She moves around to them, hands on hips and she glares at Maura. "And you need to stay in your room instead of sneaking in here in the dead of the night."
"You've been sneaking in?" Jane asks and Maura nods, head bobbing against Jane's chest. "Since when?"
"Since the moment she opened her eyes after surgery - surgery she's also still recovering from."
Jane leans back, thumb and index finger on Maura's jaw as she tilts her head up, surveying the gauze taped to the side of Maura's neck. She cups a hand over the white fabric, fingertips resting on Maura's pulse point, relishing the feel of the strong pulse that drums against her touch. She moves to Maura's face next, thumb brushing down the rough stitches above her right eye and to her cheekbone, stroking the splashes of purple and yellow bruising that marrs her skin.
"Does it hurt? Are you in pain?"
"It looks worse than it is."
"And this?" Jane asks as she touches Maura's neck again.
"That is a very nasty cut, that neither of you should be prodding, even through the bandages. You're both susceptible to infection." The nurse cuts in and Jane chuckles dryly, moving her hand away and down Maura's arm, linking their fingers together and squeezing reassuringly.
"It's no laughing matter. Dr. Isles, I'm going to have to ask you to return to your room, please." Jane opens her mouth to protest, closing it again when she's interrupted. "And you need to get back in bed this instant."
"I am fine."
"And I am losing my patience, Ms Rizzoli."
"I thought nurses were supposed to have a nice bedside manner."
"I usually reserve that for the patients that let me do my job."
"I'll go." Maura volunteers, squeezing Jane one last time before she withdraws, tears welling in her eyes. "It's okay. Get some rest."
"You don't have to go, Maur."
"Yes, you do." The nurse crosses to the door, holding it open and waiting for Maura to step out. She's almost across the threshold, one foot out in the hallway when Jane calls after her, six words that make Maura feel a little more whole.
"Until the end of time, Maur."
"We thought we'd lost you."
Frost glowers at Jane from where he sits a couple of feet away from her bed, loosening the tie around his neck. He looks drained - eyes dark and sunken against sullen skin, and Jane squirms uncomfortably under his stare.
"You shoulda waited."
It's the first day since that fateful day that Jane has been free of sedatives and allowed actual visitors - a prospect that had excited her until Frost had made his entrance, visibly irritated as he'd silence paced around her room, then sat down, head in hands until she'd tried to engage with him. That had been her first mistake - cracking a stupid joke about being legless that had set him on edge and his expression had soured, and now he talks at her rather than to her.
"I thought you were dead. When I rolled you over..." He stops, pinching the bridge of his nose and then exhaling slowly. "I had to follow a trail of your blood to your body. I couldn't hear you breathing and for a few seconds, after I'd turned you over, I was convinced that was it. That you'd gone."
Frost is no stranger to crime scenes. He's unwillingly familiar with the gore that comes with violent murders but experiencing the aftermath of the brutal attack intended to take the lives of two of his best friends had sent him teetering over the edge. He'd felt his will break alongside his heart and had immediately requested - and been granted - personal leave, splitting his days between supporting Jane's family, keeping Maura company, and visiting his therapist.
It had been her idea actually, to broach the subject with Jane. To try and respectfully explain when he can't work with her anymore, not if she's going to take the most dangerous route on every job, even when she knows that she'll be putting herself - and him - directly in harm's way.
"Frost..."
"No. You need to let me finish."
He doesn't know if he's doing the right thing. Maybe he should wait until they're all stronger - in fact, he hadn't intended to bring this up today, until Jane had callously joked about nearly meeting her end. It had been a ridiculous comment that he'd have laughed at in the past, but not today. Not now.
Not after everything he's seen and heard and done.
"You need to take me seriously. You need to start taking this entire situation seriously."
"I am being serious, I was just trying to break the ice. Put a smile on your face."
"I don't feel like smiling."
"C'mon Frost. I get that you're angry." Jane whimpers, sitting up a little straighter. She takes an ice chip from the cup in her lap and crunches it quietly, screwing her face up at him. "I'm sorry that I didn't let you get in on the action with me."
"Jane, this isn't funny."
"Lighten up. Y'know, this is my first visit? Why'd you gotta bring it down? I'm alive. Maura's alive. Martinez is dead. We should be celebrating."
"I've requested a different partner, and failing that, a transfer."
The force of his words hits Jane like a smack in the face and she gapes at him, stunned.
"What? What the hell are you talking about?"
"I can't be your partner anymore. I can't sit by and watch you throw yourself into the jaws of death at every opportunity. If you're not jumping in front of bullets, you're shooting yourself to save others - constantly bargaining with your life like it's worthless. Like it won't catch up to you, one of these days. I don't wanna be there when it does. I cannot be there when it does."
"I am doing my job, Frost. Protecting others, when they can't protect themselves."
"Protecting others doesn't mean you have to be a human shield, Jane. You can protect them in other ways. You can bring them the justice they deserve."
"Justice? Justice? Do you think justice would have run in to save Maura? You think justice saves anyone?"
"I think you're careless and you don't think of anyone but yourself. You don't consider the consequences of your actions."
Jane whips back the covers, thankful that she'd managed to convince nurse Alexandra to help dress her in actual clothes rather than a garish paper-thin hospital gown. She shuffles until she's on the edge of the bed, swinging her left leg out first followed by her cast-encased one, taking a few unsteady seconds to grab the pair of crutches propped next to her.
"Don't get up."
"Shut up. I'm not gonna lie here and take you spewing this bullshit. You got something to say? Say it to my damn face." She positions the crutches under her arms, testing her weight before she limps towards him. She has every intention of Fthipunching him in the face - of expressing her shock and her upset physically, the surge of rage that had propelled her towards him fizzling out as he holds a hand out to steady her on approach.
"You're doing it right now. This is what I'm talking about."
"What am I doing? Walking? Breathing?"
"You're putting yourself at risk. You're defying instructions to not move. You're making it worse."
"Making what worse? You're the one coming in here and quitting on us, like a coward" She slaps his outstretched hand away, annoyed.
"You know much courage it took me to come and say this to you? How many sleepless nights I've had over this all happening?" He takes hold of her elbow, guiding her into the chair in the corner of the room. He waits until she's down in it and then backs out of the room, returning with a plastic chair from the hallway that he plants in front of her, sitting down on it so they are eye to eye.
"I heard about you long before I signed up to be your partner. You've got a reputation - tough as old boots Jane Rizzoli, fiercely protective and not afraid to show it. Not afraid to be the first to run into a situation. Not frightened to take the first shot. Never second-guessing herself and never giving up." He sighs, hands clasped in front of him as he levels with her. "And I thought I knew what I was getting myself into. Hell, I wanted to be a part of that. I wanted to work with someone as passionate and determined as I am. But I didn't, for one second, think that I'd have to do this morbid dance with you over and over. Didn't know I'd be faced with the choice of following you to your demise, or standing back and watching it unfold. I didn't ever think that I'd have to fight to stop you from bleeding out all over me. I never once picked out a belt in the morning thinking that I'd need to rip it off to tourniquet you. And I never, ever imagined that I'd come this close to watching you slip away, holding your mom and Maura together whilst I felt ripped apart by guilt that I'd just let you go."
His voice breaks and he wipes at his eyes, clearing his throat through his anguish.
"I didn't stop you. You were right there, and I could have run after you and tackled you to the ground and sat on you and just stopped you, and I didn't."
"It wouldn't have made a difference. Nothing would've stopped me. Believe me."
"I could have at least tried to talk some sense into you. Locked you in the car, or cuffed you. Anything."
"I'd never have forgiven you."
"I'll take you never wanting to speak to me again over you actually never speaking another word."
"Barry..." Jane begins, faltering as his bottle lip wobbles. She touches a hand to his knee, then folds him into a hug when he breaks and begins to sob - loud, hiccupy cries that make her own eyes sting with tears. "You might not wanna hear this right now, but I'd do everything that I just did all over again if I had to. For anyone of you. My mother, Frankie, Korsak, Maura...you. If any one of your lives was on the line I wouldn't even think twice. I can't think twice - my brain and my body lock down and I jump in head first and yes, in those moments I know that I'm being selfish and flippant and dangerous...but it's what I do. It's what I have to do, to be able to do this job knowing that I'm putting everyone around me at risk, all of the time. And then there's the other side of it. I guess, like you, I don't wanna watch the people that I love die, and if that means that I run in, making a deal with whoever is up there to trade our places..." Jane points to the sky, shrugging her shoulders "...then so be it."
"I can't work like that, Jane. I just can't."
"And I can't live any other way."
"I want you to retire."
Jane closes her eyes, sinking back against the pillows when her mother finally breaks the silence. It's been a long, traumatic day and she's half tempted to attempt another escape, defying Alexandra's strict orders just so she'll make good on her threat to sedate her once more.
"I want you to retire and I want Maura to retire and I want you to get married and have babies and move far, far away from Boston."
First Frost, and now this.
Jane's not sure she can take another mental battering.
She opens one eye, peering at her mother curiously.
"Babies? Plural?"
"Fur babies. A real baby - babies. I'll take my grandchildren in any form."
"Mmh. We'll think about it." Jane sighs and Angela scowls from where she perches on the bottom of the hospital bed, hands wringing the scarf she'd been wearing.
"But any kind of baby requires you to be alive. Living. Breathing."
"Last time I checked, I was doing both of those things."
"And though you don't like it, you are still my baby. You've gone through hell and high water to get to where you are today - to grow into the wonderful, stubborn woman that you are. But you will always be my baby." Angela finishes with a whimper that tugs at Jane's exhausted heartstrings.
"I've thought long and hard about what to say to you. I've been angry - so angry. But I learned the hard way, all those years ago, that being angry doesn't get you anywhere. Telling you how I think you should live your life will just drive a wedge between us, and then I'll lose you anyway."
"Mom."
"And I will not lose you, Janie. Do you understand me?"
Jane nods solemnly in reply and Angela smiles curtly, patting her plastered knee through the blankets.
"All of that being said, I know how much it'd pain you to give it all up and hang up your gun. I still remember the day that you brought home those leaflets that Cass gave you - how excited you were at the prospect of the police academy. It pulled you from rock bottom. Without it, I don't think you'd have made it this far. I can want and wish and pray but I know you'll never give this up. I don't understand it and I won't pretend to." Angela sniffles, dabbing her scarf against her cheeks. "But all I can do is ask. I won't forgive myself if I don't ask."
"You already know the answer."
"Please, Janie. I am begging you. How many more times can you put yourself through something like this?"
"I knew what I signed up for when I joined."
"What about a different position? In a different department? Where there won't be so much risk."
"There will always be risk."
"What about Maura?"
"Maura does this job too, Ma."
"I hate it. I hate that both of my girls always need to be looking over their shoulders."
Jane softens at 'both of my girls' and stretches out to grab her mother's closest hand with both of her own, squeezing softly.
"Sometimes we do, yes. But that means that someone else's son or daughter doesn't have to look over theirs or live in fear. I consider that a reasonable trade-off."
"How many times are you going to be drawn into something like this before you're drawn in for the last time?"
"Mom, please. I can't talk about this right now. I'm tired, too tired to have this fight again."
"So just say you'll consider it. Tell me you'll think about leaving."
"I won't lie to you."
"Jane, please. Please!"
"I love you, but you're gonna have to leave. I can't do this right now." Jane reaches for the nurse call button, jabbing a thumb against it. "I'm sorry."
When Jane's door swings open unannounced for the third time that day she doesn't even bother to look, head turned away from the unexpected visitor as she watches the rain thrumming against the windows softly.
"Sleeping. Go away."
She listens to the sound of a chair scraping across the linoleum as the door swings open again and there's a squealing sound as something is wheeled into her room and butted up against the side of her bed.
Probably a wheelchair, here to transport her for another round of being pinched and pricked.
"If you're telling me I've gotta get up to go have tests right now I'm going to cry, Alexandra."
"Are you ever not a grouch?" Alexandra shuffles into her line of view, gently inserting an ear thermometer into her exposed ear and clicking once, making a noise of approval at the reading. "Your temperature has stayed at a reasonable level today. That's good news."
"Is it? Cause I feel like I've had the worst day of my life."
"I'd argue that two weeks ago was the worst day." Alexandra gently removes the blankets that Jane has somehow managed to tangle herself in, warm hands checking over her bandaged thigh and then running along the top of her leg cast. "How's the pain?"
"Fine."
"Scale of one to ten?"
"I just wanna sleep. I wanna forget today ever happened. If I say ten, will you knock me out?"
"No. But the quicker you tell me the truth, the sooner I can get out of here and leave you to your sleepover."
"My sleepover?" Jane twists, focusing on the second bed that has been rolled in and pressed up against hers, eyes narrowing in confusion. Alexandra lifts one of Jane's hands, checking the IV line is secure before she moves down, measuring the collection bag output on the end of the catheter attached to Jane and scribbling down a note on her chart.
"One to ten?"
"Four." Alexandra lifts a suspicious eyebrow at her response. "Okay, seven."
"Hmm. That's a little high for my liking."
"I can take it. I'm tough."
"Even the toughest needn't suffer. I'm going to give you something to help take the edge off, and help you relax." She's gone before Jane can respond and she stares at the bed next to her, highly confused but too tired to question it, turning back to look out at the dreary Boston weather. Jane stays like this even as Alexandra returns, maneuvering Jane closer to her when she doesn't move herself.
"This should help, but if you need more, you know how to get my attention. I'll be by in the night to check up on you." She bends sideways, positioning her face in the line of Jane's vision, smiling. "No funny business, okay? From either of you."
"No funny business." The sound of Maura's confirmation snaps Jane's head towards the doorway and she moves to sit, resisting the gentle hand Alexandra presses to her chest. Jane looks up at her, then back at Maura, eyes flicking rapidly between them.
"This is a one-night deal, okay?" Alexandra chides, adjusting the covers over Jane and then ushering Maura in. She holds out an arm for Maura to grasp as she climbs into the vacant bed, shifting around until she finds a comfortable position. "Don't make me regret it."
Alexandra looks over them one last time before she makes her exit, drawing the blinds to the room and closing the door behind her on the way. Maura lowers the metal rail between them without saying anything, face etched with concern as she studies Jane.
"You look exhausted."
"Is that a polite way of telling me I look like shit?"
"No." Maura shuffles towards her, making a motion to slide her arm over Jane when she stops, clasping the air awkwardly. "I'm absolutely terrified of hurting you."
"You won't hurt me." Maura hesitates still, arm suspended in mid-air until Jane guides it to drape across her stomach, arching her own arm up to make space for Maura to rest against her. "Trust me. Come here, baby."
They shift and shuffle - untangling wires and fluffing pillows and adjusting blankets and limbs until they're next to each other. It's the first time in two weeks that Jane has felt somewhat comfortable and she sighs a long, happy sigh.
"Was this your idea?" Jane asks, smiling tiredly.
"I wish I could say it was, but no. Alexandra said that you'd had a bad day today, and suggested that you could use some company."
"Well, remind me to thank her later."
"I will. I'm sorry you had a foul day. I heard that you had visitors."
"Mmm, don't remind me."
"That bad?"
"No, just...draining. Really draining."
"I can go if you'd like."
Jane holds her as tightly as she can, shaking her head.
"Don't you dare. I need this. Better for me than anything they can pump me up with. I just...didn't wake up today and expect to be sent on the biggest of all guilt trips. I feel really shitty about it." Jane sighs again, head turning so they're face to face, Maura's inches from her own. "Can I ask you something? I want your honest answer. No matter what it is."
"Okay."
"Do you think I should stop doing this? Stop being a detective."
"No." There is no delay or hesitation in Maura's answer - no trace of dishonesty or deceit as she repeats herself firmly. "No, I don't."
"My mom came in here begging me to. Frost doesn't even wanna work with me anymore. Is it that bad? Am I that bad?"
"No." Maura considers it for a moment, trying to choose the right words to say. "I can't say that I'd mind if you took...a backseat for a little while, but generally? You are dedicated and committed to what you do. You are an embodiment of your selfless devotion to others. You wouldn't be you without it, Jane."
"Even though one day, it might actually kill me?"
"Well, I hope that day never arrives."
"You ever wanna give it up? At times like this?"
"I've considered it, I won't lie. More than once, over the last few months."
"What would we do instead?"
"I don't know. Travel, maybe. I've always wanted to see more of Europe. I think you'd love Paris."
"You mean, you'd love to force me into the many, many museums of Paris."
"Everyone should visit the Louvre at least once." Jane laughs softly, her chest rising and falling with the sound.
"I...I think if you asked me to, and you were serious, I would. Throw in the detective towel, I mean."
"I appreciate how difficult that must be to say, but I can promise that I will never ask you to. If one day you decide that it's not for you, I will support you. Likewise, if you make no decision - if you want to do this for the rest of our lives...I support you and I will stand by you."
"Our lives. Still gives me butterflies when you say things like that."
"Good." Maura leans a little closer, dropping a kiss on Jane's forehead, then the tip of her nose, and finally, her lips, savoring the moment. "I love you, Jane. I won't ever ask you to change yourself for me. I love you on your good days, I love you on your bad days, and I love you every day in between. Nothing will change that."
"Nothing? At all?"
"At all."