The Cream Pie Superweapon
by BookFreak

Rating: PG-13 for . . . nothing, but just in case

Category: Action/Adventure, Humor (not much of the first, I'll admit)

Summary: It all starts with a cream pie that conveniently turns to naquadah-based explosive when fired upon, and a bunch of reclusive weapons-researching zealots...

Feedback: Please! Review! Review, review, review!

SCENE: Gate Control Room

PA: Unauthorized gate activation. Inbound traveller.

Hammond: Iris. Defense teams to positions. This is not a drill, this is not a drill.

M1[softly]: When is it ever a drill around here? Desert Storm was calmer than the SGC.

M2[softly]: Pay's better, though, and no Gulf War Syndrome.

M1[softly]: Nah, we get alien diseases from all over the galaxy instead.

SG-1 enters.

Davis: Sealed. Chevron seven locked. Wormhole stable.

Jack: Your dad?

Hammond: We're not getting the Tok'ra GDO., and the wormhole's originating from Chulak.

Carter looks disappointed.

Daniel: Who else would want to contact us?

Teal'c: Perhaps Master Bra'tac, or Ry'ac.

There is a loud thud against the iris.

Jack: You'd better hope not.

Daniel: Master Bra'tac has a GDO. That couldn't be him.

Davis: Wormhole out.

Hammond: Open the iris. Science team to the Gate room.

Davis: Uh, sir, the iris is obstructed. There's something in the tracks.

Hammond: Science team to the Gate room.

Jack exits. The camera pans out the window, and we see him strolling along up the ramp.

Jack: Siler, a hand, please?

Jack and Siler grab two pieces of the iris and pull. The iris is hinged so that as the two pieces are pulled apart, the remainder follows.

The camera zooms in through the window until it seems to be hovering only a few feet from the two. We now see that there's a thick white foam all over the iris, and most of it has been scraped off onto the Gate itself as the iris retracted. There's tons of the stuff, as if the fire department had hosed the entire thing down with Extinguisher C. The foam is all over Jack and Siler's hands, and dripping off the iris and Gate. A large blob drips down and splats all over M1's .50 caliber machine gun.

The camera pans over to the side and we see below the ramp, where foam is dripping out the back of the gate and forming a little swimming pool at the bottom of the Gate. The camera swings back up, and foam is dripping off onto the ramp, where it slides down. Jack and Siler's boots are getting covered by it.

Siler looks annoyed, and is wiping his hands vigorously on a handkerchief. Jack starts laughing.

Hammond: Colonel, report.

Jack: Ah, about the science team ... that won't be necessary, sir. [reaches over, dabs up some white foam the rim of the housing scraped off the retracting iris] Unless I'm mistaken, this is an interstellar cream pie. Looks like somebody's decided to welcome us to the neighborhood.

OPENING CREDITS