SCENE: Lab/Infirmary

Fraiser: I don't believe this. It actually is cream pie ... or whatever would be left of one after smashing into the iris. This ... this is amazing. Cooky could have whipped this up.

Hammond: Carter, what are the odds of another Gate world making a cream pie?

Jack: Hey, pie is universal.

Carter: Very slim, sir.

Daniel: In fact, I don't think anybody from Earth even had cream pies when the Goa'uld decided to transplant them away.

Davis [entering]: Sir, I've confirmed the glyphs of the planet of origin. It's Chulak.

Fraiser: That's absurd! I don't think Goa'uld can even digest cream!

Teal'c: Indeed. Goa'uld are, as you would phrase it, lactose intolerant. Even with host-body processing beforehand, we cannot draw any amount of nutriment.

Davis: Nonetheless, that is the planet.

Hammond: Doctor! I want that thing quarantined. Get a team down there to collect whatever samples you need.

Fraiser: Yes, sir!

Hammond: Carter, I want you to find a way to get the rest off that Gate without disturbing it. The last thing we want is to aerosolize whatever the Goa'uld sent us.

SCENE: Infirmary, later

Fraiser: I can't find anything wrong with this. It's just cream pie.

Daniel: Cream pie important enough to the Goa'uld to send through a Gate.

Fraiser: That's what I don't understand. A biological weapon, a bomb, fine, but a cream pie?

Daniel: Let's try giving it some juice, see if it reacts somehow.

Fraiser: Okay. It's presumably Goa'uld, so let's start with some common Goa'uld power sources.

Teal'c and Carter enter.

Carter: Okay, Teal'c. We're going to try to ... stimulate the ... cream.

Teal'c: Ah, that would be why you asked me to draw a zat'n'ktel from the armory.

Daniel: You got it.

Teal'c "cocks" the zat'n'ktel, aims at the container, and fires. The container explodes violently.

Carter: Damn! [slaps fire-suppression release]

PA: What the ---- what is going on down there?! We just read a huge magnetic surge and an explosion!

Teal'c: I take it that you did not receive permission for me to fire the zat'n'ktel?

Carter: No. But we're all sealed up, so it's okay. Anybody hurt?

Fraiser: This is amazing. The cream has just become a solid lump of refined naquadah explosive.

Daniel: It was a bomb.

Hammond [over PA]: What just happened?

Carter: Sir, when hit by a zat gun blast the cream turns into refined naquadah.

Fraiser: I don't understand how I could have missed that before. Naquadah is an element; you can't form it by a chemical reaction with any ingredient of a cream pie. And I know there wasn't anything but cream in that pie.

Hammond: Did anything escape?

Fraiser: No, we buttoned up tight before Teal'c fired.

Hammond: Before Teal'c fired?

Fraiser: Ah ... we asked him to shoot the ... cream.

Hammond: This is going to be a very ... long debriefing.

SCENE: Briefing room

Hammond: So you shot it with the zat gun. What happened next?

Carter: A sympathetic magnetic surge followed by the explosion. When the smoke cleared we found a lump of solid naquadah where the cream used to be.

Fraiser: Under the circumstances, I'd reccommend we do not dispose of any of the cream.

Hammond: Understood.

PA: Unauthorized gate activation. Inbound traveller.

Jack: Isn't it nice how everything always happens at once?

SCENE: Gate Control Room

Davis: It's the Tok'ra, sir.

Hammond: Open the iris, then.

The iris opens, then the wormhole stabilizes. Jacob steps out.

Jacob: I have an urgent message. The Goa'uld have developed some sort of quantum stepper. [pauses] Can we speak privately?

Hammond: This way. [into Briefing Room]

SCENE: Briefing Room

Selmak: As I -- Jacob, actually -- was saying, the Goa'uld have developed a quantum stepper.

Jack: Great. Guess we'll be seeing some fancy gyms on Chulak soon, won't we?

Carter: By "quantum stepper" do you mean a device that can alter matter at will?

Jack: Thanks for the brief there, folks.

Daniel: I have to admit, I don't quite understand it either.

Carter [turning to others]: A quantum stepper is ... well, the holy grail of physics. You see, matter is basically a cloud of electrons orbiting a tight nucleus of protons and neutrons. It's the protons and neutrons that determine the properties. Add a proton and two neutrons to a hydrogen atom, for example, and you've got helium. Usually that's not a concern because one can't force a proton through the outer electron cloud. The stargate was once believed to be able to do this using an interdimensional lensing effect to slip the protons in without actually making it pass through the outer shells.

Selmak: With a quantum stepper the Goa'uld will be able to literally do anything they please. Fortunately, their prototype model is fairly limited. We believe it is a self-consuming substance that must be formulated to convert one specific element to another before use. More importantly, it must be sent through a stargate to prime it. An alternate theory is that it takes energy and uses that to step itself into the desired element. Unfortunately, it exists only partially within this galaxy, so it is extremely difficult to detect, probably impossible with Tau'ri instruments.

Jack: Just on a hunch ... would this stepper substance be able to convert, say, cream, into naquadah?

Entire SG-1 team winces.

Selmak: Well ... yes, I suppose it could. It would be difficult, since cream is actually a colloid of many substances, but if you really wanted ... although I don't know why the Goa'uld would want to do that.

Hammond: We recently received a cream pie from Chulak. When a sample was subjected to a zat'n'ktel blast it transformed into pure naquadah.

Jacob: Did you have the iris closed?

Jack: Yeah. It managed to re-integrate anyway.

Selmak [wince]: We were afraid of that. Since they're only partially within this galaxy, that means the energy from hitting the iris just fuels it. It was probably some sort of chain reaction, one type of stepper jumping to a second kind, which eventually transformed into the naquadah. If that was the way they managed to let it survive the iris, that means they have at hand both types theorized by our scientists. The self-converting kind for the iris, then the catalyst kind to turn the ...

Jack: Yah. Cream. You heard us.

Selmak: The ... cream into naquadah.

PA: Unauthorized gate activation. Inbound traveller.

Everyone rushes out.

SCENE: Gate Control Room

Davis: Chevron seven locked, and wormhole stable. Iris sealed, sir.

Hammond: Another attempt at quantum-stepping a bomb in, Selmak?

Selmak: Possibly. I don't know why they'd try again, though. An amount of naquadah explosive the volume of a large cream pie is more than enough to destroy this base.

SCENE: Gate Control Room

Davis: It's the Tok'ra. [pops on a pair of headphones] Um, they're speaking Goa'uld, sir.

Selmak: Give me that. [puts headphones on]

Jack [quietly]: Psst. Teal'c! [Motions toward another set of headphones with head]

Teal'c [in normal voice]: Yes, Jack O'Neill?

Jack: D'oh!

Selmak: General Hammond, it's not the Goa'uld, it's Anubis alone that has this stepper technology.

Teal'c: The stepper originated from Chulak.

Selmak: Anubis recently developed the technology to intersect wormholes and transfer matter from one to the other, allowing him to fake gate addresses. Regardless, he has the stepper and he's using it to materialize a radioactive material through the stargate of our second base. They threw up a barrier, but it's not stopping much of the particle stream. We think it's this uranium you human seem so fond of.

Jack: Particulate uranium ... that would screw the place up real bad, right?

Carter: Yes, sir. If he's just spewing it into the air, he might be trying to contaminate the stargate, make it so radioactive nobody can use it.

Jack: Or he could be trying to blow it up ... that's the usual application of uranium.

Jacob: Good idea.

Selmak: [speaks Goa'uld into mike] They say that it is the third lightest isotope, the one with 235 neutrons.

Jack: Third lightest? U-235 is the lightest!

Selmak gives him a patronizing smile.

Jack: Be real happy I don't want to stick my hand down Jacob's throat right now, Selmak. Be real happy.

Carter: Then you have to take that barrier down!

Selmak: I believe that this uranium of yours is emitting harmful radiation; removing the barrier would only increase it.

Jack: If you keep the barrier in place, the uranium will collect on the gate-side surface. Once you get ... oh, 22 pounds or so, any stray neutron can set it off.

Jacob: A nuclear bomb?

Selmak: You are correct; Anubis may be able to form a crude nuclear chain reaction. He has been sending the uranium-stepper through the barrier on and off for over six hours already.

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