-+- Standard Disclaimer -+-
The characters depicted in this story are not mine. Sue me and you get nada, cuz that's how much I own. Blah.
-+- End of Disclaimer -+-
Unlikely Companions
A fiction novella by Dave Zhang (dzhang@its.caltech.edu). Comments and criticisms welcomed. Copyright 2003.
[This text is in English.] "This text is spoken." 'This text is thought.' =This text is telepathic.=
Chapter 10: Orpheus
Cherry teleport to the Temple not much later. Seeing the crying form of Haruka and the limp form of Yuu, he inferred the events immediately.
"The foolish boy did as I thought he would try to do."
"Why didn't you stop him!?"
"It is his life, and his choice. I wouldn't have done it in his shoes, but that's not the point."
Haruka stared at the teenage-looking mage, trying to think about how to undo this wrong. "Can you resurrect him?"
"No. I was not lying about the seven day thing."
"Teach me that Resurrection Spell then! I'll trade my life back for his! I don't want to owe him, especially if I can never repay him!"
"Impossible. Yuu was very gifted in the magics, and it still took him three months of non-stop training. I'm actually kind of surprised; I didn't think he had reached the level of mastery required to pull this spell off, which is why I didn't stop him."
Haruka sunk to the ground. "Is there no other way to bring him back?"
"Well..."
"You know something!"
"I don't know if it's true, but have you heard of the story of Orpheus and Eurydice?"
Haruka nodded. "The bard who tried to get his wife back from the Underworld."
"You *could* try that, but the chances of success probably aren't too good. Most likely you'll both end up dead."
"Do you have any advice so that it's not certain death? How I should negotiate with the Devil and demons and such."
"Nope, sorry. I've only spent two milliseconds there. I know where the entrance is, and can teleport you to the gates, but that's about it. You'd be on your own from there. You sure you want to do this? It's most likely a one-way trip. Hotaru and Michiru would miss you."
Haruka sighed. "You got a coin?"
"Yeah..."
"Flip it."
While it was in the air, Haruka quickly called, "Heads I go."
The coin landed heads up.
'Wait, what the Hell!? Just 'cuz he spent his life to resurrect me, I'm going to risk both ours now? This is insane. Must be post-resurrection nausea or something.' "Er... I meant if the side facing down was heads."
"Ah," said Cherry, picking up the coin and showing the down-face to Haruka. It also showed heads. Cherry smirked. "You should have told me beforehand you wanted a normal coin for this."
***
Cherry and Haruka stood at the gates of Hell. Haruka was still cursing herself for being impulsive and lamenting the loss of her life a second time thus.
"This is as far as I can take you, the rest you gotta do on your own. You might want to transform now, or else you won't make it past half an hour."
"How did you... Oh forget it; I'm starting to think you know everything."
"Sadly, that wish I rejected."
"Huh?" Haruka blinked. Upon seeing Cherry not respond, she transformed. "Well, it's now or never." 'I really wish it would've been never,' she mentally added, as she walked through the ominous gates.
***
Haruka, in the form of Sailor Uranus, walked to the edge of a river. "The Styx," she read. Obviously.
Sure enough, an old ferryman rowed to her within a few minutes wait. "Do ye have coin for the passage?"
'Oh shit! I forgot, I was supposed to bring two coins for the round trip passage across the Styx. Let's see, options: (1) threaten Charon. Probably not very effective since he's been next to Hell for so long already. The guy probably can't die. (2) plead with Charon. He's probably pretty resistant to that, from all the people begging *not* to be taken across. (3) screw the ferry and swim the river.' Haruka looked down into the blood-like water of the Styx and saw a few skulls bobbing up and down. 'Er... that's out.'
"Do ye have coin for the passage?" Charon repeated.
"Well, you have to ferry across anyway, right? Why don't you just give me a ride?"
"It don't work like that."
"Um... I guess I'll just wait for another passage then." 'And maybe find a way to run back to Juuban.'
Charon shrugged and started rowing back toward Hell.
'Oh, Hell, I'm already here, what worse trouble can I get into?' Haruka ran back a few steps, before getting a running start to leap onto the ferry. Thanks to her magically enhanced physique, she was just barely able to land on the ferry.
"Hey! You didn't pay for your passage!"
"Um... I'm sorry. You're not going to turn back are you?"
"It don't work like that," said Charon, as he continued rowing to Hell. "I'll just have to row you right back when we get to the other side."
'No way... Hell's minions are this stupid?'
***
Haruka started running as soon as they got to the other side of the Styx. Charon tried to run after her, but was quite clearly outmatched in speed. As Haruka had her head turned to see how much of a lead she had over the ferryman, she ran into something, and fell to the ground.
Looking up, she saw what appeared to be a red demon, with tail and claws and everything else folklore told about demons. What she didn't expect was the cell phone in one claw, and a personal desktop assistant (PDA) in the other, as well the the modified business suit that the demon was wearing.
"What's your name, birthday, and place of longest resident, miss? We weren't expecting anyone right now, but I'll get this sorted out and you to your right level."
"Haruka Tenou, January 27, A.D. 1978, Juuban, Japan, Earth, Sol, Milky Way." 'Why did I just tell him that!? And what the Hell is Sol?'
"Oh, you're probably wondering why you told me truthfully. The lobby, which is where we are right now, has some very high level truth spells casted. After all, we do have a job to do, banishing each of you to the right level and everything. I can't afford to deal with pranksters."
After playing for a bit with his PDA, the demon frowned. "Hm... it shows that you were supposed to be due here in two days, but then that entry was crossed out. I guess you're free to go."
Charon caught up, and spoke, while panting from the exertion. "That's right, this woman jumped aboard my ferry and stowed away for a voyage over here. Now I have to drag her back to the river and ferry her across."
"Wait!" said Haruka. "I'm here to try to free Yuu!" 'Damn truth spells. Lost my element of surprise already.'
"Eh? That a fact?" chuckled the demon. "Another Orpheus wannabe, huh? All right, let me set up the arrangements." He dialed an extremely long number on his cell phone and spoke a while in a completely obscure language not resembling anything from Earth. "All right, it's been arranged, come with me."
"Um... do you get people like me often?"
"A fair amount. Well, lots of people would want to do it, but our location is rather secret, and only very few can manage to find us and get here before their lover's body decays. We get about one every three of your months."
"That many? And Yuu isn't my lover!"
"The universe is a large place. It's not only on Earth that sentient creatures die you know. What is this Yuu to you then? Brother? Son? Father?"
"Er... he's not really related to me at all."
The demon raised an eyebrow, "Oh well. I won't question your motives, others will do that soon enough. Come with me to the studio."
"The studio?" Haruka suddenly felt dizzy, and when she recovered, she realized had been teleported with that demon.
Two other demons, one male and in a modified polo shirt, and the other female in a strange dress, walked to her escort, and thanked him, before the escort demon teleported out.
A voice spoke from out of apparently nowhere, in Japanese no less. "And we're on five, four, three, two, one..."
"Hi, and welcome, viewers, to another edition of Orpheus in the Underworld. Our contestant tonight is nineteen-year-old female Haruka Tenou, hailing from Sol-3 of the Milky Way Galaxy." said the male demon, who Haruka guessed to be the host of this obscure game-show that she's now taking part in. 'Hell is just too weird!'
"We here in Hell like to think of ourselves as liberal, and whenever a mortal such as yourself arrives to try to bargain for the life of someone deceased, we assign this seven tests, and if you pass all seven of the tests, you get your mortal back. Now, as you've probably gathered, this is going to take a game-show format, and all of your actions will be televised live to all of our viewers. This test may take a while, but don't worry, your mortal's corpse won't decay in the time you are away, because we have an agreement with some other powers, that allows time to be frozen in the mortal realm while in participate in this game. Before we begin, do you have any questions?"
"What if I fail at some of the tests? Do I get a second chance or a make-up test or something?"
"Ooh, very good question. In that case, our viewers get to call in and *vote* on your punishment. Some of the more popular punishments from previous shows have been: death, two make up tests, indentured servitude to Hell for five years, as well as many others. You, the contestant, get to pick one of the top three to be your punishment."
"Oh, that doesn't sound too bad," said Haruka sarcastically. "Say, who watches your show anyway? You said it was broadcasted live, but time is frozen."
"Why, all of the immortal beings who aren't effected, of course. That means just about all of the demons in Hell, the angels and gods in Heaven, the Eiherjar of Valhalla, the Olympians, as well as hundreds of other dieties no one on Earth has ever heard of, them being mainly alien ones. We also rerun this show to sufficiently powerful demigods and heros who also subscribe to our channel."
"Angels and gods watch this?" Haruka asked with a distinctly sick feeling in her stomach.
"Oh yes! They're one of our finest patrons, and contribute much of the funds necessary to operate this show. Do you have any other questions?"
Haruka shook her head.
"Once again, we're your hosts Mara and Pansom, and let's get started with our interview with Haruka." The female demon turned to Haruka. "Now, before we start you on the tests, we'd like to do a quick interview with you, getting our viewers some insight on your personality, and such. You are no longer in the Hell's Lobby, and therefore you *are* allowed to lie or refuse to answer. However, if you refuse too many times, or we catch you lying enough times, we just might have to use this." She held up a circular disc, the title reading: The Life of Haruka Tenou, DVD version.
"All right then, let's get started. So, how did you find out about this place, and how did you get here?"
Haruka decided that she could probably get away with maybe three or four lies total, and didn't think this question was worth wasting one on. "Some guy named Cherry teleported me to the Gates; I don't really know the location of this place."
"I see, and who is this Cherry? Why would someone spend so much effort to get you here? Does he wish you dead, but is unable to kill you himself, or did you pay him in *ahem* certain ways to get you here, or what?"
Haruka caught the implication, and immediately made her ire known. "Hey! It's not like that! I'd rip his lips out if he even tried to kiss me!"
"Ooh, we got a feisty contestant tonight. All right, what about this Yuu that you're trying to rescue then? Would you rip his lips out?"
"Definitely! The one time he held my hand, I kicked him thirty-eight times for it! Six in the groin too!"
Pansom winced at this, "And this Yuu is the guy you braved Hell to try to save?"
***
Haruka wanted to crawl under a rock. True to its title, the disc did in fact contain a full recording of the events of Haruka's life from her point of view, and the hosts didn't hesitate to show the tape.
"Well, our interview is over now, so let's get started with the first test, the Test of Identity." Mara waved her hands about, and ten human forms appeared. "Here we have ten human souls, one of which is actually Yuu's. As you can see we're selected the others to look very similar to Yuu, and in addition, we've also picked them on the basis of having similar personality to Yuu. Finally, they have also been shown the interview that we just had with you."
"I'm supposed to pick out which one is Yuu?"
"Exactly! You can do anything you want to them, to get their reactios to various circumstances. You can asks them questions. Anything you want. Also, take as long as you like, since time is frozen to all mortals. Just let us know when you think you're sure."
Haruka nodded, and asked out. "Okay, which one of you is Yuu?"
Two of the souls raised their right hand, three of them glared at her, three of them ignored her completely, one said "Me," and the last said, "I don't think that's going to help."
"Hm..." said Haruka. "Yuu probably wouldn't raise his hand, but any of the other eight could be him. And actually I'm not positive that Yuu wouldn't just raise his hand."
Haruka walked close to one of the souls, and asked, "What were the exact words you said to me when I came to visit you in jail?"
"Something along the lines of 'I'll be looking forward it.' I don't remembery my exact words."
Haruka repeated her question to the next one. He glared at her and refused to answer. She sighed on went on to the next one.
"You presume yourself too important that I should remember."
"'Oh? I'll look forward to meeting you as well then.'" 'That's technically the right answer, but I'm not sure that's what Yuu would answer. They did all see the video.'
"So, you finally realize I'm not trying to rape you or Hotaru?"
"I didn't get a chance to say goodbye to Cherry and the others. If you can get out of this alive, tell them that for me."
"If we get out of this alive, I'm afraid I'm going to have to return the kicks you gave to my body."
"You really didn't want to come and save me anyway; we can all see that from the coin toss scene. Just find a way and get out of here before it's too late."
***
Three subjective days later (her hosts allowed Haruka to sleep and eat when she requested), Haruka was still tackling the problem of trying to identify Yuu. The main problem was that she really didn't know Yuu all that well.
She's tried just about everything she could think of, including throwing them to the ground and seeing which body felt the most like Yuu's when she kicked it, and whose groans sounded the most like Yuu's. Too bad she didn't remember that part well either.
She also asked each one his life story, not that she knew any of it, but just to see which one's sounded the most probable. One talked about being with Ranma and Miroku and training martial arts with them, one described his girlfriend and a fairly normal high school life, one mentioned very strange parents that swapped marriage partners with another family, one talked about learning magic from Cherry, one agonized over how he could never see his little sister again, one talked about his dreams of being an architect, et cetera. None of them delayed in speaking, and all of them sounded sincere.
Haruka then wondered if all of them were fakes. It wouldn't be below a demon to try something like that, and so she demanded of Mara. "How do I know that the real Yuu is even here?"
"I guarantee you that the real Yuu is here. If you don't believe me, I can contact any god or goddess you have most faith in, and have him or her vouch for this."
Haruka grumbled about demons disguising as gods, but decided that she'd have to trust Mara on this one. She returned to questioning the souls.
***
After another subjective week, Haruka sighed, and realized she wasn't improving her chances by questioning further. She even tried torturing them to see if any of them would crack under the pain and admit to not being Yuu, but none of them reneged. Actually, that was probably to be expected, since they've already all be tortured by Hell's minions for quite some time, and must have developed some pain resistance.
"Mara."
"Yes? Have you decided?"
Haruka shook her head. "I guess I just didn't know Yuu well enough. At first I was leaning towards two of them, but upon interacting with the others as well, the initial bias was lost. I really just don't know... all of these guys sound like they could be Yuu..."
Haruka was cut off by a popping sound, as balloons and confetti dropped to the floor from the ceiling. "Congratulations, Haruka! You have passed the first Test! I guaranteed you that Yuu was here, but I did lie a little in saying that the other nine were fakes. All ten of them are Yuu... they're each a facet of Yuu's personality. Any sentient being is complex, and has multiple aspects to them. Many a mage or wizard have come here demanding their loved one, and picked immediately the facet of their love they most appreciated, and thus failed. Only someone who truly knows and loves someone could appreciate him for all of who he was. Congratulations again, Haruka."
"But the life stories..."
"They were all true; Yuu's life has been a difficult one. Yuu's memory of this session will be wiped, so you should pretend ignorance and have him tell you everything in his own time, if you complete the other six tests as well."
Mara waved her claws in the air, and the fragments of Yuu's soul disappeared.
Haruka, still coming to grip with this result, suddenly picked up what Mara said earlier. "Hey! I don't love Yuu!"
Mara smirked. "Let's see what our audience thinks. Gods and goddesses, demons and demonesses, please call in now and express your opinion: does Haruka love Yuu?"
After waiting a moment, Mara spoke again, "And the results are in! Unconditionally Yes: 11%, Unconditionally No: 15%."
"Ha! See?" shouted Haruka in triumph.
"Wait until you hear the rest," said Mara. "Yes once Haruka overcomes her latent homosexuality: 23%, No because of Haruka's latent homosexuality: 6%, Yes, by the time Haruka leaves Hell: 10%, She'll love that boy even if I have to make her: 10%, Doesn't matter because Haruka will be stuck forever in Hell: 21%, and Abstain due to not watching the show, 4%. So, tallying everything up, it's 54% Yes, 21% No, and 25% Abstain."
Haruka jaw dropped. "What!? You mean... wait. 96% of all dieties watch this show?"
Mara nodded. "This is a very popular show."
--End Chapter 10--
// That was fun. Now I have to think of six other Tests equally interesting.