Lost, Confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")
Chapter 31
I quietly came out of the bathroom & took one last look to make sure Matt was still asleep before I went out into the corridor. I got to Jeff's door & put my hand on the handle then paused and looked around to make sure no one could see. I took my hand away & put it on top of my head with the other hand on my hip & sighed. He was going to kill me if he woke up & I wasn't there! Again my hand hovered above the handle & I sighed & grabbed it before I changed my mind! Slowly I pushed open the door & went inside.
"Jeff?" I whispered.
"In here!" he whispered back so I walked further into the room. He was lying on the bed with his hands behind his head, "Hey!" He said when I walked in & got up.
"Hi! Um I thought you'd be asleep it's 3am!"
Jeff smiled, "Well yeah I couldn't really get to sleep, there was some weird noises coming from the room next door so…." I blushed & he laughed.
"Don't laugh it's embarrassing!" I turned away to hide my face.
'Yeah! Ok! Ok!" Jeff put his arm around my shoulders, "I won't say another word…..but I never knew you were so religious!"
"JEFF!" I slapped his chest! "Anyway believe me he did it all for your benefit!"
"MY benefit?"
"Yeah, I believe it was like putting a stamp on my head….'Matt Hardy's Woman Keep Off!"" I laughed.
Jeff chuckled, "Well if he made you scream like that for my benefit the dude has his priorities all messed up!"
"Alright time out! Can we PLEASE change the subject?"
"Yeah ok sorry!" He smiled.
"So what's this big plan of yours then?"
"Plan?"
"Yeah you said you had a plan of action! Well?"
"I've got no plan at all I was hoping you would think of something!"
"ME? Fucks sake Jeff I'm more messed up than you can begin to imagine! How the hell am I supposed to come up with anything? Between Matt and you & our friendly neighbourhood stalkers I'm about losing my mind!"
"Hey calm down!" We sat down on the bed & he looked at me, "Why was my name mentioned in your list of headaches?"
"Oh um, I…I mean Matt, thinking there's something going on with us! That's all!"
"Ah right! Well I don't know what to suggest!"
"I don't think he wanted to kill you!"
"What?"
"Me & Matt had a fight and we were down in the lobby and…."
"You had a fight? About what?" Jeff took my hand & I completely lost my train of thought!
"Oh it's kind of a long story but the upshot of it is he doesn't love me & I got pissed with him and…"
"Woah! Back up a little here! He doesn't love you? He told you that?"
"Yeah…well…" I thought about it, "Well yeah actually he did but that's not the point Jeff! What was I saying?" I put a hand to my head.
"What an asshole!" Jeff shook his head.
"Forget about that! What I'm trying to tell you is whoever put you in the tub also threw your room key at my head! Otherwise I would never have thought to come check on you!"
"So did you see anyone? In the lobby?"
I shook my head, "No! There was no one there that I saw but I got in such a panick….oh I dunno. SOMEONE must have been there to throw the damn key!"
"Hmm….strange though!"
I rummaged in my pocket & pulled out a battered carton of cigarettes & a lighter & headed out through the big glass doors and onto the balcony where I lit one up before leaning over the wall to look at the gardens below. I felt Jeff's arms fold around my waist from behind & I closed my eyes.
"Don't jump!" he laughed & jerked me backwards. I giggled & slapped at his hands. He turned me around to face him, took the cigarette out of my hand & threw it on the floor. "You don't need those!" His hands were still around my waist & we were face to face now.
"What are we gonna do Jeff?"
He shrugged his shoulders & drew a breath in through his teeth. "I don't know!"
I sighed, "What are we gonna do about Matt?"
"What d'ya mean?"
"Well I can't….…there's no way I can come & see you like this behind his back all the time! You…..well I couldn't have gotten through this without you Jeff & now I won't even be able to talk to you!" Tears welled up in my eyes & he stroked my cheek.
"It'll be ok! I'll still be here!"
"But….I need you Jeff!" I whispered.
He looked into my eyes, "Don't even say that!"
"But it's true! You have been here for me through all of this shit! I don't know what I'll do if I can't talk to you like this!"
"You'll cope, you'll just have to!"
"I don't know what to do!" A tear rolled down my cheek & he kissed it. I closed my eyes.
"Tell me one thing & I'll never ever ask you again I promise!" He paused, "Are you in love with my brother?" I looked into his eyes but I didn't answer him. "Well if you are in love with him then…" he kissed my cheek again, letting it linger & I squeezed my eyes shut & bit on my lip. "…..you would…" his mouth got nearer to mine as he kissed me again, "….stop me…" he kissed the corner of my mouth, "….from….", he paused, "…kissing you!" We looked at each other & he held my face in his hands as he drew nearer to my lips. My heart pounded in my throat as I felt his breath on my mouth. I couldn't believe this was happening, not now, not ever! But I found myself unable to stop him! His lips touched mine, they were so soft & gentle. I could smell his cologne & I felt dizzy.
"NO!" I pushed him back. Our lips had only touched for a split second but I knew then it wasn't right. I stormed past him & back into the bedroom, tears streaming down my cheeks.
"Hey come on!" He grabbed me & held me tightly & I tried to pull back.
"Why would you do that?" I pushed him again, "Why Jeff?"
"Shhh, it's ok! I'm sorry!" He stroked my hair, "It won't happen again, I'm so sorry!"
Eventually I gave in to his embrace & threw my arms around his neck, sobbing into his shoulder. "I'm sorry!" I sobbed, "I love him Jeff! I can't help it! I love him!"
"Shhh I know! I'm the one who's sorry!" He stood me up & held me at arms length, "Don't ever be sorry for being in love!" He smiled, "It's a killer..' he wiped a tear away quickly hoping I hadn't noticed, "But it's worth it!"
I took a step towards him & reached out, touching his wet cheek. "Those better not be for me Hardy!" I said, wiping a tear from his face & trying to smile through my sobs.
"For you? Naaah!" he smiled. "Ahh…" he took a deep breath, "Look at the state of us two!"
"Yeah, pathetic huh?" We both tried to smile. "I still need you Jeff! You're like my Rock y'know? I'd have been hauled off to the nutthouse weeks ago if you weren't here for me!" He looked up to the celing as another tear fell. "Will you……." I sniffed, "Will you still be here for me?" He nodded slowly & I took him into my arms & sobbed onto his shoulder once again.
"Hey, you'd ah better get back to Matt before he wakes up!" Jeff said eventually.
I looked at him, "Promise me to never ever let me come between you and Matt? I will leave the second I get any inclination that you two…"
"I promise. It won't happen, trust me!" He smiled.
"I have to go!" I kissed him on the cheek & whispered "Thankyou!" before heading for the door.
"Promise me something in return?" I stopped & turned around when he spoke, "Don't ever let him take you for granted! You're worth more than that!"
I left.
Chapter 31
I quietly came out of the bathroom & took one last look to make sure Matt was still asleep before I went out into the corridor. I got to Jeff's door & put my hand on the handle then paused and looked around to make sure no one could see. I took my hand away & put it on top of my head with the other hand on my hip & sighed. He was going to kill me if he woke up & I wasn't there! Again my hand hovered above the handle & I sighed & grabbed it before I changed my mind! Slowly I pushed open the door & went inside.
"Jeff?" I whispered.
"In here!" he whispered back so I walked further into the room. He was lying on the bed with his hands behind his head, "Hey!" He said when I walked in & got up.
"Hi! Um I thought you'd be asleep it's 3am!"
Jeff smiled, "Well yeah I couldn't really get to sleep, there was some weird noises coming from the room next door so…." I blushed & he laughed.
"Don't laugh it's embarrassing!" I turned away to hide my face.
'Yeah! Ok! Ok!" Jeff put his arm around my shoulders, "I won't say another word…..but I never knew you were so religious!"
"JEFF!" I slapped his chest! "Anyway believe me he did it all for your benefit!"
"MY benefit?"
"Yeah, I believe it was like putting a stamp on my head….'Matt Hardy's Woman Keep Off!"" I laughed.
Jeff chuckled, "Well if he made you scream like that for my benefit the dude has his priorities all messed up!"
"Alright time out! Can we PLEASE change the subject?"
"Yeah ok sorry!" He smiled.
"So what's this big plan of yours then?"
"Plan?"
"Yeah you said you had a plan of action! Well?"
"I've got no plan at all I was hoping you would think of something!"
"ME? Fucks sake Jeff I'm more messed up than you can begin to imagine! How the hell am I supposed to come up with anything? Between Matt and you & our friendly neighbourhood stalkers I'm about losing my mind!"
"Hey calm down!" We sat down on the bed & he looked at me, "Why was my name mentioned in your list of headaches?"
"Oh um, I…I mean Matt, thinking there's something going on with us! That's all!"
"Ah right! Well I don't know what to suggest!"
"I don't think he wanted to kill you!"
"What?"
"Me & Matt had a fight and we were down in the lobby and…."
"You had a fight? About what?" Jeff took my hand & I completely lost my train of thought!
"Oh it's kind of a long story but the upshot of it is he doesn't love me & I got pissed with him and…"
"Woah! Back up a little here! He doesn't love you? He told you that?"
"Yeah…well…" I thought about it, "Well yeah actually he did but that's not the point Jeff! What was I saying?" I put a hand to my head.
"What an asshole!" Jeff shook his head.
"Forget about that! What I'm trying to tell you is whoever put you in the tub also threw your room key at my head! Otherwise I would never have thought to come check on you!"
"So did you see anyone? In the lobby?"
I shook my head, "No! There was no one there that I saw but I got in such a panick….oh I dunno. SOMEONE must have been there to throw the damn key!"
"Hmm….strange though!"
I rummaged in my pocket & pulled out a battered carton of cigarettes & a lighter & headed out through the big glass doors and onto the balcony where I lit one up before leaning over the wall to look at the gardens below. I felt Jeff's arms fold around my waist from behind & I closed my eyes.
"Don't jump!" he laughed & jerked me backwards. I giggled & slapped at his hands. He turned me around to face him, took the cigarette out of my hand & threw it on the floor. "You don't need those!" His hands were still around my waist & we were face to face now.
"What are we gonna do Jeff?"
He shrugged his shoulders & drew a breath in through his teeth. "I don't know!"
I sighed, "What are we gonna do about Matt?"
"What d'ya mean?"
"Well I can't….…there's no way I can come & see you like this behind his back all the time! You…..well I couldn't have gotten through this without you Jeff & now I won't even be able to talk to you!" Tears welled up in my eyes & he stroked my cheek.
"It'll be ok! I'll still be here!"
"But….I need you Jeff!" I whispered.
He looked into my eyes, "Don't even say that!"
"But it's true! You have been here for me through all of this shit! I don't know what I'll do if I can't talk to you like this!"
"You'll cope, you'll just have to!"
"I don't know what to do!" A tear rolled down my cheek & he kissed it. I closed my eyes.
"Tell me one thing & I'll never ever ask you again I promise!" He paused, "Are you in love with my brother?" I looked into his eyes but I didn't answer him. "Well if you are in love with him then…" he kissed my cheek again, letting it linger & I squeezed my eyes shut & bit on my lip. "…..you would…" his mouth got nearer to mine as he kissed me again, "….stop me…" he kissed the corner of my mouth, "….from….", he paused, "…kissing you!" We looked at each other & he held my face in his hands as he drew nearer to my lips. My heart pounded in my throat as I felt his breath on my mouth. I couldn't believe this was happening, not now, not ever! But I found myself unable to stop him! His lips touched mine, they were so soft & gentle. I could smell his cologne & I felt dizzy.
"NO!" I pushed him back. Our lips had only touched for a split second but I knew then it wasn't right. I stormed past him & back into the bedroom, tears streaming down my cheeks.
"Hey come on!" He grabbed me & held me tightly & I tried to pull back.
"Why would you do that?" I pushed him again, "Why Jeff?"
"Shhh, it's ok! I'm sorry!" He stroked my hair, "It won't happen again, I'm so sorry!"
Eventually I gave in to his embrace & threw my arms around his neck, sobbing into his shoulder. "I'm sorry!" I sobbed, "I love him Jeff! I can't help it! I love him!"
"Shhh I know! I'm the one who's sorry!" He stood me up & held me at arms length, "Don't ever be sorry for being in love!" He smiled, "It's a killer..' he wiped a tear away quickly hoping I hadn't noticed, "But it's worth it!"
I took a step towards him & reached out, touching his wet cheek. "Those better not be for me Hardy!" I said, wiping a tear from his face & trying to smile through my sobs.
"For you? Naaah!" he smiled. "Ahh…" he took a deep breath, "Look at the state of us two!"
"Yeah, pathetic huh?" We both tried to smile. "I still need you Jeff! You're like my Rock y'know? I'd have been hauled off to the nutthouse weeks ago if you weren't here for me!" He looked up to the celing as another tear fell. "Will you……." I sniffed, "Will you still be here for me?" He nodded slowly & I took him into my arms & sobbed onto his shoulder once again.
"Hey, you'd ah better get back to Matt before he wakes up!" Jeff said eventually.
I looked at him, "Promise me to never ever let me come between you and Matt? I will leave the second I get any inclination that you two…"
"I promise. It won't happen, trust me!" He smiled.
"I have to go!" I kissed him on the cheek & whispered "Thankyou!" before heading for the door.
"Promise me something in return?" I stopped & turned around when he spoke, "Don't ever let him take you for granted! You're worth more than that!"
I left.