Disclaimer: If I owned LOTR, PJ wouldn't have gone out of his way to make a
movie about it.
Author's Note: I know that Sauron is supposed to be a floating eyeball, but for the purposes of this very OOC story, Sauron does, in fact, have a body. We shall see what kind of body later on...
Chapter Nine: In Which There Are Many Random Orcs
"Holy..." Sauron said, but never got the chance to finish, because a random orc walked in. "Go away," he said casually, and fried the orc with a fireball thrown from his fingertips. He blew the smoke away from his fingertips like they were guns. "It's great having a body again," he added, running his hand through his black hair. Another orc walked in. *Why today?!* he asked himself silently. Before the Second Invasion of the Random Orcs, he had been very happy watching daytime TV. Nikki had just been just about to break up with Lucky on "Soap: An Opera". Damn those shifting relationships! When Sauron had been just an eyeball, all those orcs roasting onions had called for eye drops, and those ruined his site.
"Great Lord," the orc said, crawling across the floor. "There is news, Great Lord, from the Elf City."
Sauron sighed, and leaned on his elbow. "What?" he asked. Stupid orcs. They always walked in at dramatic moments! The orc mumbled something at the floor, and Sauron lost his patience. He was going to miss the steamy make-out sessions! "Sweet Mother of holy bacon! Get your Valar damned face off the floor and tell me!"
"It has been found, Great Lord," the orc said, groveling at the ceiling. Man! That looked wrong. "The Ring of Power has been found."
"Score!" Sauron shouted, jumping up from his evil, bad ass throne of darkness. "I just love being evil. I know get to take over the world!" He did a little spur-of-the-moment celebration disco in front of the orc.
*Drool,* thought the orc, watching the sexiest Dark Lord of the Middle Earth to ever forge an evil Ring of Power disco across the throne room of Barad-dûr. It left no doubt in his mind that Sauron would, indeed, take over Middle Earth. "It is in the procession of a Mary-Sue, Great Lord," he added belatedly. The orc lost his head in a horizontal column of fire. *Shit,* he thought in the millisecond before he was vaporized.
"A Mary-Sue," Sauron moaned, burying his face in his hands. True, he was sexy, but if the Ring was with a Mary-Sue, then that Mary-Sue was most definitely in the company of Frodo/Aragorn/Legolas/Boromir, or even- he shuddered at the horror of the thought- Gimli. But, however, the sexy Dark Lord had masses of random, nameless orcs at his command, as well as the Nazgûl, who were led by the evilest being (besides Sauron, anyways) of Middle Earth, the ______ of _________, also known as _________'s evil ___.
***To the Fellowship! (Dramatic, valiant music cue)***
Pippin barely managed his huge pack, which dwarfed his small Hobbit- self by about three feet. However, it consisted of Jeannette's endless changes of clinging, barely opaque hinting-at-everything-but-revealing- nothing, butt hugging, skimpy clothing; the traditional outfits of the Elven princess were the Fellowship's (minus Legolas, or Leg-less, as Pippin preferred to call him) favorite parts of the day. He was more than happy to carry it for her.
"Pippin," came the voice of song that belonged to Jeannette. "I need a manicure." Her voice sounded alone and unloved, and Pippin mentally smacked himself for leaving her alone for even a mere three seconds.
"Coming!" he called, running as fast as his tiny legs could carry him. He tripped at the end, landed neatly in Jeannette's lap. He cringed, expecting an unceremonious shove to the floor, but he instead received a kiss on the cheek that made him blush from pointy ears to furry toes.
"PIPPIN!" Aragorn roared, racing towards Jeannette and leaving behind wreckage such as one would expect to see from a tornado. "What are you doing in Lady Jeannette's lap?"
Pippin received his unceremonious shove, but only from Aragorn, and when he got up, the Ranger and the Lady were involved in a steamy, passionate snog-fest. *Why don't I get one?* Pippin wondered miserably. He ran a hand over his smooth, stubble-less, immature tweenage chin. *Damn it,* he thought. *I have no chance without manly stubble.*
Suddenly, a random orc burst from the woods. Before Aragorn could dispatch it with his 'Oh So Wonderful Sword Named Anduril' (which was a stupid name, Pippin told himself), Jeannette had killed it with a flying tae-kwon-do kick that, miraculously, had not made her dress reveal anything else then it should, also known as a considerably amount of bosom, and the curvy shapes of Jeannette's hips and ass.
"Wow," Pippin said, going for 'innocence'. "I wish I could do that.
Jeannette shrugged. "You probably couldn't," she said casually. "Even though it only took me a month to become a black belt in every single martial arts style in the world, it takes normal people many years. Did you know I created my own religion and converted people to it?"
Aragorn managed to shake his head before Pippin did, and got a kick in the shins for it (because that was as high as the Hobbit could reach). "You little booger," Aragorn muttered, grabbing Pippin by the collar and tossing him into the conveniently prickly brush that was conveniently near Jeannette's travel-sized lounge chair.
"Ouch," was heard from the bush, but nothing else, save some unidentifiable sounds that sound vaguely like there were two Hobbits in the bush.
"Let's make out," Jeannette said, snaking her arms around Aragorn's neck and pulling him into an enthusiastic kiss. Aragorn broke away for a moment, and said, "Let's," before returning to the passionate snogging.
Legolas watched silently from the bush next to the Hobbits' bush, wishing that they'd shut up so that he could hear the conversation of Jeannette and Aragorn- not that there was anything much to hear. They were quite busy at the moment. Oh, well. It was exciting to watch. Just as the passion reached its climax, yet another random orc burst from the surrounding woods.
"Damn it!" Legolas heard Jeannette say. "These goddamn woods are full of orcs!" And she dispatched it with a judo punch, leaving it lying on the ground.
"Jeannette," came the whisper from Aragorn, who had somehow been stabbed by the orc, even though he was Ranger and much more deadly than the random, nameless, currently dead orc. "I think I'm dying."
Jeannette began to cry over Aragorn's body, and, amazingly, he was back to full health, not even needing time to rest before, yet again, they returned to glorious love.
Legolas felt that he was missing out on something. It wasn't his mirror, or his comb, or even his fluffy pink vanity stool, because he had packed them in the bags that Sam was carrying for a bit of love every night, but it was something else. He began to count on his fingers. Aragorn was first, then Frodo, then Pippin, then Sam, then Merry, and even Boromir had slept with Jeannette. Gimli and Gandalf had received appropriate make out sessions, but Legolas.. Legolas had gotten nothing! He began to pout, when suddenly-
Another orc burst from the forest. Seemingly without stopping the loving, she killed the orc with a karate chop to the head. Jeannette clearly had amazing martial arts skills, and Legolas was willing to bet that she would beat Aragorn at the sword, Gimli at the axe, Sam at the frying pan (both ways: cooking and orc bashing), Gandalf at magic, and even Legolas himself with at archery.
Then, exactly ten thousand orcs arrived. They immediately tied up the Hobbits, knocked out Aragorn and Boromir, threw Gimli up in a tall pine tree at which they set ten vicious wargs, stole Gandalf's pointy hat (devastating the poor wizard), and tied Legolas to a tree, where he watch the whole scene. Before Aragorn and Boromir had been knocked out, however, they had put up a nice fight. So Jeannette was only faced with 9,971 orcs. She promptly killed seventy-one of them, but was kidnapped by the remaining 9,900, and only stopped fighting after one of the orcs threatened to kill Legolas. She was taken away.
Author's Note: I know that Sauron is supposed to be a floating eyeball, but for the purposes of this very OOC story, Sauron does, in fact, have a body. We shall see what kind of body later on...
Chapter Nine: In Which There Are Many Random Orcs
"Holy..." Sauron said, but never got the chance to finish, because a random orc walked in. "Go away," he said casually, and fried the orc with a fireball thrown from his fingertips. He blew the smoke away from his fingertips like they were guns. "It's great having a body again," he added, running his hand through his black hair. Another orc walked in. *Why today?!* he asked himself silently. Before the Second Invasion of the Random Orcs, he had been very happy watching daytime TV. Nikki had just been just about to break up with Lucky on "Soap: An Opera". Damn those shifting relationships! When Sauron had been just an eyeball, all those orcs roasting onions had called for eye drops, and those ruined his site.
"Great Lord," the orc said, crawling across the floor. "There is news, Great Lord, from the Elf City."
Sauron sighed, and leaned on his elbow. "What?" he asked. Stupid orcs. They always walked in at dramatic moments! The orc mumbled something at the floor, and Sauron lost his patience. He was going to miss the steamy make-out sessions! "Sweet Mother of holy bacon! Get your Valar damned face off the floor and tell me!"
"It has been found, Great Lord," the orc said, groveling at the ceiling. Man! That looked wrong. "The Ring of Power has been found."
"Score!" Sauron shouted, jumping up from his evil, bad ass throne of darkness. "I just love being evil. I know get to take over the world!" He did a little spur-of-the-moment celebration disco in front of the orc.
*Drool,* thought the orc, watching the sexiest Dark Lord of the Middle Earth to ever forge an evil Ring of Power disco across the throne room of Barad-dûr. It left no doubt in his mind that Sauron would, indeed, take over Middle Earth. "It is in the procession of a Mary-Sue, Great Lord," he added belatedly. The orc lost his head in a horizontal column of fire. *Shit,* he thought in the millisecond before he was vaporized.
"A Mary-Sue," Sauron moaned, burying his face in his hands. True, he was sexy, but if the Ring was with a Mary-Sue, then that Mary-Sue was most definitely in the company of Frodo/Aragorn/Legolas/Boromir, or even- he shuddered at the horror of the thought- Gimli. But, however, the sexy Dark Lord had masses of random, nameless orcs at his command, as well as the Nazgûl, who were led by the evilest being (besides Sauron, anyways) of Middle Earth, the ______ of _________, also known as _________'s evil ___.
***To the Fellowship! (Dramatic, valiant music cue)***
Pippin barely managed his huge pack, which dwarfed his small Hobbit- self by about three feet. However, it consisted of Jeannette's endless changes of clinging, barely opaque hinting-at-everything-but-revealing- nothing, butt hugging, skimpy clothing; the traditional outfits of the Elven princess were the Fellowship's (minus Legolas, or Leg-less, as Pippin preferred to call him) favorite parts of the day. He was more than happy to carry it for her.
"Pippin," came the voice of song that belonged to Jeannette. "I need a manicure." Her voice sounded alone and unloved, and Pippin mentally smacked himself for leaving her alone for even a mere three seconds.
"Coming!" he called, running as fast as his tiny legs could carry him. He tripped at the end, landed neatly in Jeannette's lap. He cringed, expecting an unceremonious shove to the floor, but he instead received a kiss on the cheek that made him blush from pointy ears to furry toes.
"PIPPIN!" Aragorn roared, racing towards Jeannette and leaving behind wreckage such as one would expect to see from a tornado. "What are you doing in Lady Jeannette's lap?"
Pippin received his unceremonious shove, but only from Aragorn, and when he got up, the Ranger and the Lady were involved in a steamy, passionate snog-fest. *Why don't I get one?* Pippin wondered miserably. He ran a hand over his smooth, stubble-less, immature tweenage chin. *Damn it,* he thought. *I have no chance without manly stubble.*
Suddenly, a random orc burst from the woods. Before Aragorn could dispatch it with his 'Oh So Wonderful Sword Named Anduril' (which was a stupid name, Pippin told himself), Jeannette had killed it with a flying tae-kwon-do kick that, miraculously, had not made her dress reveal anything else then it should, also known as a considerably amount of bosom, and the curvy shapes of Jeannette's hips and ass.
"Wow," Pippin said, going for 'innocence'. "I wish I could do that.
Jeannette shrugged. "You probably couldn't," she said casually. "Even though it only took me a month to become a black belt in every single martial arts style in the world, it takes normal people many years. Did you know I created my own religion and converted people to it?"
Aragorn managed to shake his head before Pippin did, and got a kick in the shins for it (because that was as high as the Hobbit could reach). "You little booger," Aragorn muttered, grabbing Pippin by the collar and tossing him into the conveniently prickly brush that was conveniently near Jeannette's travel-sized lounge chair.
"Ouch," was heard from the bush, but nothing else, save some unidentifiable sounds that sound vaguely like there were two Hobbits in the bush.
"Let's make out," Jeannette said, snaking her arms around Aragorn's neck and pulling him into an enthusiastic kiss. Aragorn broke away for a moment, and said, "Let's," before returning to the passionate snogging.
Legolas watched silently from the bush next to the Hobbits' bush, wishing that they'd shut up so that he could hear the conversation of Jeannette and Aragorn- not that there was anything much to hear. They were quite busy at the moment. Oh, well. It was exciting to watch. Just as the passion reached its climax, yet another random orc burst from the surrounding woods.
"Damn it!" Legolas heard Jeannette say. "These goddamn woods are full of orcs!" And she dispatched it with a judo punch, leaving it lying on the ground.
"Jeannette," came the whisper from Aragorn, who had somehow been stabbed by the orc, even though he was Ranger and much more deadly than the random, nameless, currently dead orc. "I think I'm dying."
Jeannette began to cry over Aragorn's body, and, amazingly, he was back to full health, not even needing time to rest before, yet again, they returned to glorious love.
Legolas felt that he was missing out on something. It wasn't his mirror, or his comb, or even his fluffy pink vanity stool, because he had packed them in the bags that Sam was carrying for a bit of love every night, but it was something else. He began to count on his fingers. Aragorn was first, then Frodo, then Pippin, then Sam, then Merry, and even Boromir had slept with Jeannette. Gimli and Gandalf had received appropriate make out sessions, but Legolas.. Legolas had gotten nothing! He began to pout, when suddenly-
Another orc burst from the forest. Seemingly without stopping the loving, she killed the orc with a karate chop to the head. Jeannette clearly had amazing martial arts skills, and Legolas was willing to bet that she would beat Aragorn at the sword, Gimli at the axe, Sam at the frying pan (both ways: cooking and orc bashing), Gandalf at magic, and even Legolas himself with at archery.
Then, exactly ten thousand orcs arrived. They immediately tied up the Hobbits, knocked out Aragorn and Boromir, threw Gimli up in a tall pine tree at which they set ten vicious wargs, stole Gandalf's pointy hat (devastating the poor wizard), and tied Legolas to a tree, where he watch the whole scene. Before Aragorn and Boromir had been knocked out, however, they had put up a nice fight. So Jeannette was only faced with 9,971 orcs. She promptly killed seventy-one of them, but was kidnapped by the remaining 9,900, and only stopped fighting after one of the orcs threatened to kill Legolas. She was taken away.