Disclaimer: See earlier chapters.
Chapter Eleven: In Which Legolas Acts Quite Oddly
The first thing he noticed was that his head hurt. *Stupid orcs,* he thought. The second was that Jeannette was missing. *Damn!* he thought again. *Damn them to Udûn and back!* He hauled poor Boromir to his feet, despite the detail of unconsciousness but moments before.
"What?" Boromir asked grumpily, rubbing his bruised noggin.
"Jeannette!" Aragorn cried, springing about the campsite like a deer. "The orcs have taken her!"
Boromir gasped. "The Ring," he said, falling to his knees. "They have taken the Ring! Our quest has failed! And I must die now, because that is the fate the God Tolkien wrote for me."
"Wait!" Aragorn shouted, ignoring the fact that he was denying the fate that had been written for Boromir by the God Tolkien. "Do not kill yourself! We need you! Valar, we haven't even reached the Gap of Rohan!"
"Oh," Boromir said, lowering his sword. "I guess I'd better stay alive until then, at least. I need some new clothes, and the Gap of Rohan is even more stylish than Lembas Republic." He fingered his gauntlets, which were out of style by more than ten years. "If I may say so myself." he chuckled.
"OK." Aragorn nodded. "You may return to wailing your despair about the fact that the Ring is gone."
"Sweet," said Boromir, then adopted his 'I'm-sorry-but-I-chased-Frodo- away-with-my-desire-for-the-Ring mode'. "The Ring is gone!" he cried, burying his face in his hands. "It is gone to Mordor! The Enemy shall win, and the world shall be covered in a second darkness."
Aragorn heard a spluttered sigh from Frodo. "Idiot," the Hobbit said disgustedly. "I have it! I'm the Ringbearer, not Jeannette!"
"Oh," Boromir said, blushing. "I'm sorry, Frodo. I didn't know that."
"Of course you didn't," Frodo replied angrily. "All your attention has been on Jeannette! Nobody ever pays attention to the Ringbearer, who's bearing the freaking fate of freaking Middle Earth on a chain around his freaking neck!"
Aragorn stared. "We forgot, Frodo!" he said, doing his whole 'fold- Frodo's-hands-over-the-Ring-and-swear-eternal-loyalty' spiel. "I'll protect you better, now."
Meanwhile, Gandalf was huddled up against a tree, sobbing over the loss of his hat. Merry was desperately trying to comfort him. "It's all right, Gandy," he said, petting the wizard's head gently. "We'll get your pointy hat back. I promise."
"My Preciousssssss..." Legolas suddenly hissed, dropping from the tree near Gandalf and Merry. He stood up, and grinned stupidly. "Hello," he said, still grinning. "I'm quite all right." He grabbed his butt and walked off, saying, "Preciousssssss..." and spanking himself at random intervals.
Merry and Gandalf stared for a moment, and then both burst into tears. Merry was going to be doing no more comforting that night.
Sam wandered into the clearing, and was surprised to see both Merry and Gandalf crying. "Did I just see Legolas grabbing his butt?" he asked, confused.
In response, Gandy, er, Gandalf wailed even louder. "He..........he did!" Merry cried. "He's on something! He was walking around saying, Preciousssssss!' and being even weirder than normal! HE GRABBED HIS BUTT, SAM!" Before he knew it, Merry was on his feet and shaking Sam violently by the shoulders. "I've been violated! My virgin eyes are virgin no more!" He sat down again and covered his eyes, shaking with sobs.
Pippin, who had been piggy-backing on Sam, still blowing PHFFFFFT noises at regular intervals, asked loudly, "What's a virgin?"
Sam winked, and said, "Trust me, Pip, you've never been one."
"Oh," Pippin said, smiling, and stared off into space, trying to figure out what he had never been or done before. It wasn't a long list.
"HE GRABBED HIS BUTT!" Merry said into his hands. "IN FRONT OF MY BEAUTIFUL, SPECTACULAR, GLORIOUS VIRGIN EYES!"
Gandalf cried even louder.
"What have you done that I haven't?" Pippin asked, still curious. His mind was still whirring away; trying frantically to figure out the great secret adults seemed to hold dear.
"Nothing," Sam said.
"Does it have something to do with 'manly stubble'?" Pippin inquired.
"Manly stubble," Aragorn said, having heard the wails and deciding to enter the conversation. "Now, that's something you'll never have."
Pippin smiled slyly. He had it figured out now! "So you're a virgin."
Aragorn blushed. "Well, you could say that..."
"I need manly stubble!" Pippin cried, ecstatically rubbing his stubble less chin. "That's all I need to become a virgin!"
"MY VIRGIN EYES!" Merry yelled. "Someone pay attention to my beautiful, spectacular, glorious virgin eyes!"
"How can your eyes be virgins?" Pippin asked. "They don't have stubble. Anyways, it would scratch your cornea."
The entire assembled group blinked in unison. "Shut up, Pippin," Sam said. "Don't try to understand the glories of virgin-ness until you're no longer a tweenager."
"What about Gandalf?" Pippin asked, refusing to be quiet. "Is he a virgin, too?"
Gandalf stopped crying long enough to glare at Pippin. "I am not a virgin!" he snapped. "I have had as many one night stands as there are stars in the sky!"
Aragorn coughed. "Balrog," he whispered. "Bad breakup, but Gandy counts as a virgin."
Pippin gasped. "But, he has a beard! He can't be a virgin!"
"Yes," Sam sighed. "Gandy has a beard, but no manly stubble. See, every one of his hairs counts for a beautiful woman. Once you get past manly stubble, dear Pip, you are a virgin to longer."
"You don't have a beard," Pippin said.
"Enough!" Frodo said, storming in to the clearing, followed shortly by Boromir, whose hands were wringing nervously as if Boromir was keeping them from doing anything. "We must rescue Jeannette!"
"Yes!" Aragorn said, springing about once again. "We must save her from the clutches of foul orcs!"
"OK," Frodo said, continuing to get everyone hyped up. "We're going to save Jeannette! We're going to throw the Ring into the fires of Mordor! And we're going to do it all without a scratch!"
A loud cheer came from the assembled Fellowship, excepting for two. Frodo, who was hyping them up, and Gimli, who announced,
"Can I get down from here now? This branch is really hurting my - ahem."
"Are you a virgin?" Pippin managed to squeak before receiving a blow to the head which rendered him unconscious.
"You get to carry him," Gandalf said. "You knocked him out."
"I don't want to," Aragorn whined. "I was just getting annoyed. I don't want to carry him!"
"I don't care," Gandalf snapped. "You knocked Pippin out, you carry him."
"Fine," Aragorn said, pursuing his ultimately sexy, full, pouting lips. He sniffed. "But if I drop him, it's not my fault."
"Whatever," Sam said, interrupting on the important conversation. "But, where is Legolas?"
***In some dark corner not to far from everybody else***
"Preciousssssss," Legolas hissed into his hands. He was hunched over, hiding his hands from view, glorying in the darkness. He stared into them; with the intensity of the sun, with yearning, with desire, with... love. He leaned forward, and inhaled deeply. All of the sudden, his eyes turned bright green in the darkness, almost bulging from his face, and his fingers lengthened almost imperceptibly. When he arose from his crouch, his hands were covered in the remnants of golden powder, which he brushed off on his snazzy gray pants. "Preciousssssss..." he hissed, and grabbed his butt. He hobbled off towards the Fellowship, spanking himself. They would never know. "PRECIOUSSSSSSS!"
Chapter Eleven: In Which Legolas Acts Quite Oddly
The first thing he noticed was that his head hurt. *Stupid orcs,* he thought. The second was that Jeannette was missing. *Damn!* he thought again. *Damn them to Udûn and back!* He hauled poor Boromir to his feet, despite the detail of unconsciousness but moments before.
"What?" Boromir asked grumpily, rubbing his bruised noggin.
"Jeannette!" Aragorn cried, springing about the campsite like a deer. "The orcs have taken her!"
Boromir gasped. "The Ring," he said, falling to his knees. "They have taken the Ring! Our quest has failed! And I must die now, because that is the fate the God Tolkien wrote for me."
"Wait!" Aragorn shouted, ignoring the fact that he was denying the fate that had been written for Boromir by the God Tolkien. "Do not kill yourself! We need you! Valar, we haven't even reached the Gap of Rohan!"
"Oh," Boromir said, lowering his sword. "I guess I'd better stay alive until then, at least. I need some new clothes, and the Gap of Rohan is even more stylish than Lembas Republic." He fingered his gauntlets, which were out of style by more than ten years. "If I may say so myself." he chuckled.
"OK." Aragorn nodded. "You may return to wailing your despair about the fact that the Ring is gone."
"Sweet," said Boromir, then adopted his 'I'm-sorry-but-I-chased-Frodo- away-with-my-desire-for-the-Ring mode'. "The Ring is gone!" he cried, burying his face in his hands. "It is gone to Mordor! The Enemy shall win, and the world shall be covered in a second darkness."
Aragorn heard a spluttered sigh from Frodo. "Idiot," the Hobbit said disgustedly. "I have it! I'm the Ringbearer, not Jeannette!"
"Oh," Boromir said, blushing. "I'm sorry, Frodo. I didn't know that."
"Of course you didn't," Frodo replied angrily. "All your attention has been on Jeannette! Nobody ever pays attention to the Ringbearer, who's bearing the freaking fate of freaking Middle Earth on a chain around his freaking neck!"
Aragorn stared. "We forgot, Frodo!" he said, doing his whole 'fold- Frodo's-hands-over-the-Ring-and-swear-eternal-loyalty' spiel. "I'll protect you better, now."
Meanwhile, Gandalf was huddled up against a tree, sobbing over the loss of his hat. Merry was desperately trying to comfort him. "It's all right, Gandy," he said, petting the wizard's head gently. "We'll get your pointy hat back. I promise."
"My Preciousssssss..." Legolas suddenly hissed, dropping from the tree near Gandalf and Merry. He stood up, and grinned stupidly. "Hello," he said, still grinning. "I'm quite all right." He grabbed his butt and walked off, saying, "Preciousssssss..." and spanking himself at random intervals.
Merry and Gandalf stared for a moment, and then both burst into tears. Merry was going to be doing no more comforting that night.
Sam wandered into the clearing, and was surprised to see both Merry and Gandalf crying. "Did I just see Legolas grabbing his butt?" he asked, confused.
In response, Gandy, er, Gandalf wailed even louder. "He..........he did!" Merry cried. "He's on something! He was walking around saying, Preciousssssss!' and being even weirder than normal! HE GRABBED HIS BUTT, SAM!" Before he knew it, Merry was on his feet and shaking Sam violently by the shoulders. "I've been violated! My virgin eyes are virgin no more!" He sat down again and covered his eyes, shaking with sobs.
Pippin, who had been piggy-backing on Sam, still blowing PHFFFFFT noises at regular intervals, asked loudly, "What's a virgin?"
Sam winked, and said, "Trust me, Pip, you've never been one."
"Oh," Pippin said, smiling, and stared off into space, trying to figure out what he had never been or done before. It wasn't a long list.
"HE GRABBED HIS BUTT!" Merry said into his hands. "IN FRONT OF MY BEAUTIFUL, SPECTACULAR, GLORIOUS VIRGIN EYES!"
Gandalf cried even louder.
"What have you done that I haven't?" Pippin asked, still curious. His mind was still whirring away; trying frantically to figure out the great secret adults seemed to hold dear.
"Nothing," Sam said.
"Does it have something to do with 'manly stubble'?" Pippin inquired.
"Manly stubble," Aragorn said, having heard the wails and deciding to enter the conversation. "Now, that's something you'll never have."
Pippin smiled slyly. He had it figured out now! "So you're a virgin."
Aragorn blushed. "Well, you could say that..."
"I need manly stubble!" Pippin cried, ecstatically rubbing his stubble less chin. "That's all I need to become a virgin!"
"MY VIRGIN EYES!" Merry yelled. "Someone pay attention to my beautiful, spectacular, glorious virgin eyes!"
"How can your eyes be virgins?" Pippin asked. "They don't have stubble. Anyways, it would scratch your cornea."
The entire assembled group blinked in unison. "Shut up, Pippin," Sam said. "Don't try to understand the glories of virgin-ness until you're no longer a tweenager."
"What about Gandalf?" Pippin asked, refusing to be quiet. "Is he a virgin, too?"
Gandalf stopped crying long enough to glare at Pippin. "I am not a virgin!" he snapped. "I have had as many one night stands as there are stars in the sky!"
Aragorn coughed. "Balrog," he whispered. "Bad breakup, but Gandy counts as a virgin."
Pippin gasped. "But, he has a beard! He can't be a virgin!"
"Yes," Sam sighed. "Gandy has a beard, but no manly stubble. See, every one of his hairs counts for a beautiful woman. Once you get past manly stubble, dear Pip, you are a virgin to longer."
"You don't have a beard," Pippin said.
"Enough!" Frodo said, storming in to the clearing, followed shortly by Boromir, whose hands were wringing nervously as if Boromir was keeping them from doing anything. "We must rescue Jeannette!"
"Yes!" Aragorn said, springing about once again. "We must save her from the clutches of foul orcs!"
"OK," Frodo said, continuing to get everyone hyped up. "We're going to save Jeannette! We're going to throw the Ring into the fires of Mordor! And we're going to do it all without a scratch!"
A loud cheer came from the assembled Fellowship, excepting for two. Frodo, who was hyping them up, and Gimli, who announced,
"Can I get down from here now? This branch is really hurting my - ahem."
"Are you a virgin?" Pippin managed to squeak before receiving a blow to the head which rendered him unconscious.
"You get to carry him," Gandalf said. "You knocked him out."
"I don't want to," Aragorn whined. "I was just getting annoyed. I don't want to carry him!"
"I don't care," Gandalf snapped. "You knocked Pippin out, you carry him."
"Fine," Aragorn said, pursuing his ultimately sexy, full, pouting lips. He sniffed. "But if I drop him, it's not my fault."
"Whatever," Sam said, interrupting on the important conversation. "But, where is Legolas?"
***In some dark corner not to far from everybody else***
"Preciousssssss," Legolas hissed into his hands. He was hunched over, hiding his hands from view, glorying in the darkness. He stared into them; with the intensity of the sun, with yearning, with desire, with... love. He leaned forward, and inhaled deeply. All of the sudden, his eyes turned bright green in the darkness, almost bulging from his face, and his fingers lengthened almost imperceptibly. When he arose from his crouch, his hands were covered in the remnants of golden powder, which he brushed off on his snazzy gray pants. "Preciousssssss..." he hissed, and grabbed his butt. He hobbled off towards the Fellowship, spanking himself. They would never know. "PRECIOUSSSSSSS!"