Lost, Confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")
Chapter 38
I sat with Matt all day. He just looked like he was sleeping. Machines told me his heart was beating, the noise & the beeps soothed me in some way as I lay on the bed with my ass on the chair & my head on the bed resting on my good arm, never taking my eyes off his face. Various people came in & out, checking charts & drips but I didn't really see them. Gilbert sat on the opposite side of the bed talking & talking to his eldest son about God knows what, I couldn't take it in! Jeff sat beside me, one hand on my back & the other holding his head. Everything went in slow motion & I felt disorientated, numb. It wasn't happening. Matt was just asleep & when he woke up we were going home. My eyes started to close & I couldn't stop them. I slept & dreamed Matt got on one knee & proposed & I said yes! I didn't piss around with 'I need more time!" and 'Let me catch my breath!" I just said yes straight out! We were so happy! I was pregnant, everything was alright, as it should be.
"Bec?" I opened my eyes, it was Jeff. He'd been to the hotel & had a shower & got changed. I felt like shit when I tried to move. "I brought you some clean clothes. Vicky sent them for you! I didn't think you'd have anything if your bags were in the car!"
"Adam put our bags in with his…….I don't know why Matt did that?"
"Come on, the doctor said you can have a shower, get changed you'll feel better for it!" he helped me up out of my seat & before I left I kissed Matt's cheek.
Trish helped me in the shower. I just stood there & let the water wash over me, thinking about everything & nothing. When we got back to the room there was a doctor talking to Jeff & Gilbert & I rushed in to hear what he had to say. I caught the end of the conversation & all I heard was "Not likely to make it through the night!" I was devastated! I ran out of the room as fast as I could on my busted ankle & straight into Dwayne.
"Bec!" he put his arms around me & I sobbed into his chest. "I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!"
"He's not gonna make it through the night! Dwayne I can't do this!"
"Yes you can!"
"I can't!" I sobbed, "I can't live without him I can't do it!"
**
BUT Matt hardy in true Hardy fashion defied all the odds & 3 days later he was still hanging on! Every day the doctors told us it would be his last & still, somehow he was clinging to life like I knew he could! 5 days after they'd told us he wouldn't make it through the night he opened his eyes & spoke!
"Dad?" We all turned & stared at him lying there with his eyes open! I ran out of the room to fetch a doctor!
"He's awake! He's talking!" I said with a few tears & a smile at the doctor! He nodded. "So he's gonna be ok then right? I mean he's awake & he recognized his Dad!" I was so excited but the doctor bit on his lip & shook his head. He went to say something but I cut him off. "No? What do you mean no? Of course he is! He's talking! He's awake HELLO?!" I shouted at him. Dwayne ran over & put his arm around my shoulders, "Oh SCREW YOU! YOU THINK CAUSE YOU WEAR THAT UNIFORM THAT YOU KNOW EVERYTHING!" Tears fell down my face, "Well let me tell you something, you don't know Matt Hardy! He'll show you! He'll prove you wrong the lot of you! Stuck up bastard doctors!!"
Dwayne held me in his arms, "Hey hey come on!"
Jeff ran out of Matt's room, "He's asking for you!" I closed my eyes & bit on my lip. "Thankyou GOD!" I whispered. I wiped my face, straightened my hair & went into the room. "Matt?"
"There you are!" he said weakly, "I thought you'd ran off on me!"
"Oh Matt!" I couldn't stop the tears as I ran to the side of the bed & held his hand.
"You never answered my question!" he said in a croaky voice.
I took a deep breath, "The answer is yes! I will marry you!" he smiled & a tear fell down his face & onto the pillow.
"We'll go, let you have some time.' Jeff put his arm around his Dad's shoulders & they went for the door.
"No don't go! That's something I don't have much of….time!"
"Don't talk like that Matt! You're gonna be ok! We're getting married!"
Matt closed his eyes & more tears fell, "Listen to me Bec, I'm not getting out of this bed!"
"Don't say that!" I sobbed.
"Jeff come here a minute!" I moved to the side so Jeff could get to his brother.
"What's up bro?" Jeff sniffed.
Matt forced a smile, "You're in love with her aren't you?" Jeff gave me a quick glance.
"Come on Matt! Don't talk like that!" Jeff said as he took hold of his brother's hand.
* So lately, been wonderin' who will be there to take my place*
"Jeff just be honest with me I haven't got time to mess around! I know you are I can see it in your eyes! Do you love her?"
Jeff's tears fell down his face & he nodded. Gilbert put his arm around my shoulders as I cried.
*When I'm gone, You'll need love, to light the shadows on your face*
" I'm sorry Matt!" Jeff sobbed, "I didn't mean to…"
Matt smiled, as his own tears continued to fall. "It's ok bro! I figured it out myself!" he squeezed his younger brother's hand.
*if a great wave shall fall, it will fall upon us all*
"I need you to look after her Jeff!"
"Don't talk like that Matt!" I sobbed & went around the other side of the bed taking hold of his other hand.
"Don't cry!" he smiled, "It's gonna be ok!"
*And between the sand & stone could you make it on your own*
"Jeff, promise me you will love her for me……for both of us?" Jeff leaned down & put his head on his brother's shoulder & sobbed. "You have to tell me Jeff, promise me please!" he winced again. Jeff nodded.
"I'll take care of her Matt I promise!"
"That's not what I asked you!"
Jeff gulped, "I love her Matt!" He wiped his face but it was soon soaked with tears again, "I swear to you I'll love her enough, for both of us!"
*If I could, then I would, I'll go wherever you will go
Way up high, or down low, I'll go wherever you will go*
"And if she's pregnant?"
"It'll be ok! I'll see that she's ok! Don't worry about it!"
"You have to tell her you love her every day! Promise me Jeff, every day!"
"I…..I promise!"
"Matt stop it please!" I sobbed & he turned to look at me.
"Let him look after you! Don't be stubborn!"
"NO!"
"Tell me you'll let him take care of you!" He smiled through his tears, "I can't go until you tell me!"
I threw my head on his chest & I sobbed my heart out, "Then I'm not telling you! I don't want you to leave me! Please Matt! I need you!" My whole body was shaking with sobs.
*And maybe I'll find out a way to make it back someday
To watch you, to guide you through the darkest of your days*
"Don't go! I love you!"
"I love you too! But you have to let Jeff take care of you now ok?"
"No!"
Matt sighed, "Bec listen to me! I don't wanna go but this is it ok?" He was crying, "I'm so scared!" His voice was barely a whisper.
"Don't be scared! You're gonna be fine!"
"I'll be less scared if I know you are gonna be with Jeff!" I looked at his face then looked at Jeff.
"Son?" Gilbert stood up, "She'll be ok, don't be scared I'll see to it! I'll see to everything, just like I always do ok?" He went to Matt & kissed him on the forehead. "I can't be…..here right now! Erm…I'm gonna go! But I'll see you soon son! I'll see you soon! I love you Matthew!"
*If a great wave shall fall it'll fall upon us all
And I hope there's someone out there who can bring me back to you*
Gilbert walked out of the room & I saw Dwayne grab him as he collapsed outside the door.
"There's something in my bag, in the side pocket Jeff. I want you to give it to Bec! Not now, but keep it! Give it to her sometime!"
"Sure bro!"
"Matt I love you! Please stay here with me! I can't live without you!"
"Yes you can! Oh God Bec I would give anything to stay but I can't babe! You can do this I know you can!" he looked up at Jeff, "Don't let her do anything stupid!"
"I won't!"
*I know now, just quite how, my life & love might still go on*
"Bec I love you & I'm sorry!"
"Don't be sorry! Dammit Matt just fight it! You're gonna be ok! You have to be ok! I won't let you go! I won't!" He pulled me to him & kissed my lips as I cried. He put my head to his chest & stroked my hair.
"Don't cry! I'm always making you …….cry." He winced & closed his eyes.
*In your heart and your mind, I'll stay with you for all of time*
That was it. He was gone. I screamed his name. A doctor ran in. Jeff grabbed me & held me tightly to his chest & we both cried so hard it hurt.
Chapter 38
I sat with Matt all day. He just looked like he was sleeping. Machines told me his heart was beating, the noise & the beeps soothed me in some way as I lay on the bed with my ass on the chair & my head on the bed resting on my good arm, never taking my eyes off his face. Various people came in & out, checking charts & drips but I didn't really see them. Gilbert sat on the opposite side of the bed talking & talking to his eldest son about God knows what, I couldn't take it in! Jeff sat beside me, one hand on my back & the other holding his head. Everything went in slow motion & I felt disorientated, numb. It wasn't happening. Matt was just asleep & when he woke up we were going home. My eyes started to close & I couldn't stop them. I slept & dreamed Matt got on one knee & proposed & I said yes! I didn't piss around with 'I need more time!" and 'Let me catch my breath!" I just said yes straight out! We were so happy! I was pregnant, everything was alright, as it should be.
"Bec?" I opened my eyes, it was Jeff. He'd been to the hotel & had a shower & got changed. I felt like shit when I tried to move. "I brought you some clean clothes. Vicky sent them for you! I didn't think you'd have anything if your bags were in the car!"
"Adam put our bags in with his…….I don't know why Matt did that?"
"Come on, the doctor said you can have a shower, get changed you'll feel better for it!" he helped me up out of my seat & before I left I kissed Matt's cheek.
Trish helped me in the shower. I just stood there & let the water wash over me, thinking about everything & nothing. When we got back to the room there was a doctor talking to Jeff & Gilbert & I rushed in to hear what he had to say. I caught the end of the conversation & all I heard was "Not likely to make it through the night!" I was devastated! I ran out of the room as fast as I could on my busted ankle & straight into Dwayne.
"Bec!" he put his arms around me & I sobbed into his chest. "I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!"
"He's not gonna make it through the night! Dwayne I can't do this!"
"Yes you can!"
"I can't!" I sobbed, "I can't live without him I can't do it!"
**
BUT Matt hardy in true Hardy fashion defied all the odds & 3 days later he was still hanging on! Every day the doctors told us it would be his last & still, somehow he was clinging to life like I knew he could! 5 days after they'd told us he wouldn't make it through the night he opened his eyes & spoke!
"Dad?" We all turned & stared at him lying there with his eyes open! I ran out of the room to fetch a doctor!
"He's awake! He's talking!" I said with a few tears & a smile at the doctor! He nodded. "So he's gonna be ok then right? I mean he's awake & he recognized his Dad!" I was so excited but the doctor bit on his lip & shook his head. He went to say something but I cut him off. "No? What do you mean no? Of course he is! He's talking! He's awake HELLO?!" I shouted at him. Dwayne ran over & put his arm around my shoulders, "Oh SCREW YOU! YOU THINK CAUSE YOU WEAR THAT UNIFORM THAT YOU KNOW EVERYTHING!" Tears fell down my face, "Well let me tell you something, you don't know Matt Hardy! He'll show you! He'll prove you wrong the lot of you! Stuck up bastard doctors!!"
Dwayne held me in his arms, "Hey hey come on!"
Jeff ran out of Matt's room, "He's asking for you!" I closed my eyes & bit on my lip. "Thankyou GOD!" I whispered. I wiped my face, straightened my hair & went into the room. "Matt?"
"There you are!" he said weakly, "I thought you'd ran off on me!"
"Oh Matt!" I couldn't stop the tears as I ran to the side of the bed & held his hand.
"You never answered my question!" he said in a croaky voice.
I took a deep breath, "The answer is yes! I will marry you!" he smiled & a tear fell down his face & onto the pillow.
"We'll go, let you have some time.' Jeff put his arm around his Dad's shoulders & they went for the door.
"No don't go! That's something I don't have much of….time!"
"Don't talk like that Matt! You're gonna be ok! We're getting married!"
Matt closed his eyes & more tears fell, "Listen to me Bec, I'm not getting out of this bed!"
"Don't say that!" I sobbed.
"Jeff come here a minute!" I moved to the side so Jeff could get to his brother.
"What's up bro?" Jeff sniffed.
Matt forced a smile, "You're in love with her aren't you?" Jeff gave me a quick glance.
"Come on Matt! Don't talk like that!" Jeff said as he took hold of his brother's hand.
* So lately, been wonderin' who will be there to take my place*
"Jeff just be honest with me I haven't got time to mess around! I know you are I can see it in your eyes! Do you love her?"
Jeff's tears fell down his face & he nodded. Gilbert put his arm around my shoulders as I cried.
*When I'm gone, You'll need love, to light the shadows on your face*
" I'm sorry Matt!" Jeff sobbed, "I didn't mean to…"
Matt smiled, as his own tears continued to fall. "It's ok bro! I figured it out myself!" he squeezed his younger brother's hand.
*if a great wave shall fall, it will fall upon us all*
"I need you to look after her Jeff!"
"Don't talk like that Matt!" I sobbed & went around the other side of the bed taking hold of his other hand.
"Don't cry!" he smiled, "It's gonna be ok!"
*And between the sand & stone could you make it on your own*
"Jeff, promise me you will love her for me……for both of us?" Jeff leaned down & put his head on his brother's shoulder & sobbed. "You have to tell me Jeff, promise me please!" he winced again. Jeff nodded.
"I'll take care of her Matt I promise!"
"That's not what I asked you!"
Jeff gulped, "I love her Matt!" He wiped his face but it was soon soaked with tears again, "I swear to you I'll love her enough, for both of us!"
*If I could, then I would, I'll go wherever you will go
Way up high, or down low, I'll go wherever you will go*
"And if she's pregnant?"
"It'll be ok! I'll see that she's ok! Don't worry about it!"
"You have to tell her you love her every day! Promise me Jeff, every day!"
"I…..I promise!"
"Matt stop it please!" I sobbed & he turned to look at me.
"Let him look after you! Don't be stubborn!"
"NO!"
"Tell me you'll let him take care of you!" He smiled through his tears, "I can't go until you tell me!"
I threw my head on his chest & I sobbed my heart out, "Then I'm not telling you! I don't want you to leave me! Please Matt! I need you!" My whole body was shaking with sobs.
*And maybe I'll find out a way to make it back someday
To watch you, to guide you through the darkest of your days*
"Don't go! I love you!"
"I love you too! But you have to let Jeff take care of you now ok?"
"No!"
Matt sighed, "Bec listen to me! I don't wanna go but this is it ok?" He was crying, "I'm so scared!" His voice was barely a whisper.
"Don't be scared! You're gonna be fine!"
"I'll be less scared if I know you are gonna be with Jeff!" I looked at his face then looked at Jeff.
"Son?" Gilbert stood up, "She'll be ok, don't be scared I'll see to it! I'll see to everything, just like I always do ok?" He went to Matt & kissed him on the forehead. "I can't be…..here right now! Erm…I'm gonna go! But I'll see you soon son! I'll see you soon! I love you Matthew!"
*If a great wave shall fall it'll fall upon us all
And I hope there's someone out there who can bring me back to you*
Gilbert walked out of the room & I saw Dwayne grab him as he collapsed outside the door.
"There's something in my bag, in the side pocket Jeff. I want you to give it to Bec! Not now, but keep it! Give it to her sometime!"
"Sure bro!"
"Matt I love you! Please stay here with me! I can't live without you!"
"Yes you can! Oh God Bec I would give anything to stay but I can't babe! You can do this I know you can!" he looked up at Jeff, "Don't let her do anything stupid!"
"I won't!"
*I know now, just quite how, my life & love might still go on*
"Bec I love you & I'm sorry!"
"Don't be sorry! Dammit Matt just fight it! You're gonna be ok! You have to be ok! I won't let you go! I won't!" He pulled me to him & kissed my lips as I cried. He put my head to his chest & stroked my hair.
"Don't cry! I'm always making you …….cry." He winced & closed his eyes.
*In your heart and your mind, I'll stay with you for all of time*
That was it. He was gone. I screamed his name. A doctor ran in. Jeff grabbed me & held me tightly to his chest & we both cried so hard it hurt.