Lost, Confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")
Chapter 40
We went back to Cameron that afternoon. As soon as I got home Mary was fussing over me but I just wanted to be left alone. Jeff came up to my room with me while Gilbert stayed downstairs with Mary, he wasn't ready to go home just yet.
"I need to call home sometime I guess."
"Ok I'll erm….go & let you use the phone!" Jeff headed for the door.
"Jeff no stay! I need to tell you something," I hung my head, "Something about the accident." He turned around & came back to me, "It was Mick! He stepped onto the road & Matt……Matt tried to avoid him…and well…. I'm sorry Jeff! I killed your brother!" Jeff just looked at me, "If I had just stayed home Jeff…." He looked up at the celing & bit his lip. "I shouldn't have gone I'm sorry!"
He sighed, "Yeah & if only Brock hadn't been injured, if only Shane & Eric hadn't concoted this stupid plan to take him to Raw,…..Bec there's a lot of what ifs, it's not your fault!" he hugged me.
"Jeff?" I said over his shoulder, "he was at the hospital."
Jeff's grip on me loosened & I felt him take in a deep breath. "Mick was?" I nodded. Jeff left go of me, "Son of a bitch! Why didn't you come get me?"
"Because there was no point! Killing Mick won't bring Matt back it would have ended up with me losing both of you in the same day & I can not cope with anything else right now!" I shouted at him. I picked up the phone & started to dial the number for home.
"What are you doing?"
"If Mum lied to me I'll never forgive her Jeff I swear!"
"Maybe you should do this another time Bec, once you've had time to think!"
"Too late Jeff I need to know now! Hello Mum? It's me!"
Jeff & I sat on the bed & he put his head in his hands.
"Rebecca! Oh Thank GOD! We've been worried sick! Darling are you ok?"
"Yes mum I'm fine."
"God it's been awful we didn't know…..well Jake saw on TV, on the wrestling that Matt had a car accident & we didn't know where you were & couldn't get intouch with anyone! Were you in the car?"
"Mum please calm down, yes I was in the car with him but I'm fine. Just cuts & bruises!"
"And is Matt ok now?"
I looked up at the celing & swallowed hard, "No Mum, he's not ok!"
"Oh Bec I'm……..Oh Bec sweetie you don't mean……he's not…"
"Yeah." I whispered, trying to keep my tears at bay again, "He ahh….he died this morning Mum!"
"Oh Rebecca!" Mum started to cry, "I'm so sorry! Are you ok?"
"No Mum, not really…."
"Do you want me to come over honey?"
I was about to say no when I realized I really needed her right about then. "Actually Mum that would be good, if you could?" Jeff put his arm around me & rubbed my shoulder. "Mum, I need you to tell me the truth now, about Mick!"
"Mick?"
"Yeah, when did he get out Mum?"
"He….he didn't!"
"Yeah he did, I saw him Mum."
Silence
"Mum?"
"Bec honey, when did you see him? You couldn't have seen him!"
"Yeah I saw him a few times over the last week, look Mum I think he was out to cause the accident, I really need to know why you didn't just tell me when I called you from South Carolina!"
"I……Rebecca…..he's dead!"
"When? How is that possible I only saw the bastard this morning!" I rubbed my temple, "Please tell me he got ploughed down by a freakin bus outside the hospital!"
Silence
"Mum? Are you there?"
"Honey he died last week!"
"That's not poss……" I stared at the wall.
"Bec?" Jeff squeezed me.
"Rebecca I swear to you he died in his cell, someone got him drugs or….or something….he overdosed…..a week last Monday, so…..so you couldn't have seen him!"
"I saw him Mum!" I whispered.
"Rebecca I'm coming over as soon as I can get a flight……Bec?"
I dropped the phone & stared into space. This was NOT happening! I was going crazy!! Jeff picked up the phone & finished off my conversation with Mum then hung up. She'd obviously told him what she'd just told me.
"I'm losing my mind Jeff! Matt was right all along!"
"I don't think you're losing your mind! I think you saw him, I think he was there!" My mind raced but then I started to think of the things that had happened. If he had really been in the road then where the hell was he after the accident? How did he get into Jeff's room while Jeff was still in there, to get the manic? How the hell did my pajamas disappear & reappear? When the keys seemed to come out of nowhere, maybe they did? The smell in the ladies room in McDonalds….it all made perfect sense while making no sense at all. Jeff took me in his arms & we lay on the bed together. Mick was never mentioned again, it was just another one of those unspoken understandings Jeff & I seemed to be getting good at! I snuggled my head into his chest. Damn it felt like Matt! He kissed the top of my head.
"It'll be alright Bec. I love you!" he whispered. I closed my eyes & fell asleep in his arms.
The first couple of days were ok, I wasn't feeling too bad, infact I felt calm, almost peaceful…..and then I had to get through the funeral. It was so hard. I felt like I was going to die, I wanted to die. Mum was there with me but Dad had stayed home with Jake. I was so greatful she was there, I hadn't realized just how much I needed her. There was 100's of people there, all of them there for Matt. Dwayne spoke in the church in place of Jeff, he was a wreck, he couldn't even get out of his seat when it was time for him to stand up & speak. Dwayne got up from behind us, patted Jeff on the shoulder & spoke for him. Shane & Vince spoke too, it was all very hard to listen to. Jeff & I just clung to each other the entire time & I didn't think we were going to get through the day but we did.
The next few days were even worse. I can't begin to describe to you how I felt, if you've ever lost someone you love you'll know what I mean when I say I felt dead inside. I had nothing left. My life was in limbo. I quit my job. I didn't think I was in any fit state to look after kids. I kept having lapses, short periods of time when my mind would just go blank & I'd stare into space. I burned food or I hung up the phone in mid-sentence and one time I seemed to 'wake up' I was standing by the river & I had no recollection of even leaving the house! It'd be way too dangerous for me to be left in charge of children.
I moved in with Jeff & Gilbert, they gave me Matt's old room & I wouldn't have anything changed not even the bed sheets. The first night I stayed there I pulled on one of his sweaters & curled up in his bed, with his pillow in my arms. I could smell him on the bedclothes. I cried myself to sleep every night for a month. It was almost unbearable.
About 10 weeks after his death I was outside on the porch smoking yet another cigarette, when Jeff came outside & snapped me back to reality. He'd kept his word to Matt & he was watching over me, most nights he would slide into the bed beside me just to hold me & I always heard 'I Love You' every day. He'd been my rock, AGAIN!
"Have you done the test?"
I took another drag on my cigarette & pulled my knees up to my chest & Nodded.
"And?" he asked.
I shrugged my shoulders, "I can't look at it! I don't know!"
He sat down & put his arm around me & I leaned my head back onto his shoulder. "Matt stole this from me y'know?" He pulled at the jersey I was wearing & I smiled. He sighed & Held me for about 10 minutes, in silence. We just stared out into the field. "Want me to look for you?"
I took a deep breath, "It's in the bathroom."
Jeff nodded, "And what do you want it to be?"
"I don't know Jeff! I'm so…." I rubbed my temple, "I don't know! I honestly don't know! I need another cigarette!" I stood up & picked up the carton, seemed like all I'd done these past few weeks was sit on the porch staring into space & smoking. I lit one up & turned to face Jeff, "I mean if I'm not then that's it! I never ever get another chance!" I folded my arms & leaned back onto the rail. "And if I am then….." I started to cry & he immediately got up & took me in his arms. "It's crazy! I'm scared that I am & I'm scared that I'm not!" Jeff stroked my hair.
"It's ok! I understand! Shhhh." He waited until I'd calmed down & then looked at me, "You coming in or staying here?"
"I'm staying here!" I took a deep drag on my cigarette, I was shaking.
"Ok I'll be right back!" he kissed my cheek & went inside.
Once alone I sat back onto the bench & thought again about that last wonderful day I had with matt. He'd been so happy, it made me smile when I thought about him twirling around in that field shouting! Then I remembered us making love, the way he'd told me he loved me over & over & the feel of his flesh on mine. I crossed my arms over my chest & hugged myself as the pain in my heart made me start to cry again. I lay down on the bench & closed my eyes remembering every kiss, every touch & the tears flowed faster & harder, it hurt so much. I heard the door open & I opened my eyes to see Jeff standing there with the test in one hand & reading the instructions from the box in the other. His hands were shaking almost as much as mine!
"Wanna see?"
I shook my head & sat up, staring out into the field. "Just tell me!" I closed my eyes & took a deep breath.
"It's positive." He said.
Chapter 40
We went back to Cameron that afternoon. As soon as I got home Mary was fussing over me but I just wanted to be left alone. Jeff came up to my room with me while Gilbert stayed downstairs with Mary, he wasn't ready to go home just yet.
"I need to call home sometime I guess."
"Ok I'll erm….go & let you use the phone!" Jeff headed for the door.
"Jeff no stay! I need to tell you something," I hung my head, "Something about the accident." He turned around & came back to me, "It was Mick! He stepped onto the road & Matt……Matt tried to avoid him…and well…. I'm sorry Jeff! I killed your brother!" Jeff just looked at me, "If I had just stayed home Jeff…." He looked up at the celing & bit his lip. "I shouldn't have gone I'm sorry!"
He sighed, "Yeah & if only Brock hadn't been injured, if only Shane & Eric hadn't concoted this stupid plan to take him to Raw,…..Bec there's a lot of what ifs, it's not your fault!" he hugged me.
"Jeff?" I said over his shoulder, "he was at the hospital."
Jeff's grip on me loosened & I felt him take in a deep breath. "Mick was?" I nodded. Jeff left go of me, "Son of a bitch! Why didn't you come get me?"
"Because there was no point! Killing Mick won't bring Matt back it would have ended up with me losing both of you in the same day & I can not cope with anything else right now!" I shouted at him. I picked up the phone & started to dial the number for home.
"What are you doing?"
"If Mum lied to me I'll never forgive her Jeff I swear!"
"Maybe you should do this another time Bec, once you've had time to think!"
"Too late Jeff I need to know now! Hello Mum? It's me!"
Jeff & I sat on the bed & he put his head in his hands.
"Rebecca! Oh Thank GOD! We've been worried sick! Darling are you ok?"
"Yes mum I'm fine."
"God it's been awful we didn't know…..well Jake saw on TV, on the wrestling that Matt had a car accident & we didn't know where you were & couldn't get intouch with anyone! Were you in the car?"
"Mum please calm down, yes I was in the car with him but I'm fine. Just cuts & bruises!"
"And is Matt ok now?"
I looked up at the celing & swallowed hard, "No Mum, he's not ok!"
"Oh Bec I'm……..Oh Bec sweetie you don't mean……he's not…"
"Yeah." I whispered, trying to keep my tears at bay again, "He ahh….he died this morning Mum!"
"Oh Rebecca!" Mum started to cry, "I'm so sorry! Are you ok?"
"No Mum, not really…."
"Do you want me to come over honey?"
I was about to say no when I realized I really needed her right about then. "Actually Mum that would be good, if you could?" Jeff put his arm around me & rubbed my shoulder. "Mum, I need you to tell me the truth now, about Mick!"
"Mick?"
"Yeah, when did he get out Mum?"
"He….he didn't!"
"Yeah he did, I saw him Mum."
Silence
"Mum?"
"Bec honey, when did you see him? You couldn't have seen him!"
"Yeah I saw him a few times over the last week, look Mum I think he was out to cause the accident, I really need to know why you didn't just tell me when I called you from South Carolina!"
"I……Rebecca…..he's dead!"
"When? How is that possible I only saw the bastard this morning!" I rubbed my temple, "Please tell me he got ploughed down by a freakin bus outside the hospital!"
Silence
"Mum? Are you there?"
"Honey he died last week!"
"That's not poss……" I stared at the wall.
"Bec?" Jeff squeezed me.
"Rebecca I swear to you he died in his cell, someone got him drugs or….or something….he overdosed…..a week last Monday, so…..so you couldn't have seen him!"
"I saw him Mum!" I whispered.
"Rebecca I'm coming over as soon as I can get a flight……Bec?"
I dropped the phone & stared into space. This was NOT happening! I was going crazy!! Jeff picked up the phone & finished off my conversation with Mum then hung up. She'd obviously told him what she'd just told me.
"I'm losing my mind Jeff! Matt was right all along!"
"I don't think you're losing your mind! I think you saw him, I think he was there!" My mind raced but then I started to think of the things that had happened. If he had really been in the road then where the hell was he after the accident? How did he get into Jeff's room while Jeff was still in there, to get the manic? How the hell did my pajamas disappear & reappear? When the keys seemed to come out of nowhere, maybe they did? The smell in the ladies room in McDonalds….it all made perfect sense while making no sense at all. Jeff took me in his arms & we lay on the bed together. Mick was never mentioned again, it was just another one of those unspoken understandings Jeff & I seemed to be getting good at! I snuggled my head into his chest. Damn it felt like Matt! He kissed the top of my head.
"It'll be alright Bec. I love you!" he whispered. I closed my eyes & fell asleep in his arms.
The first couple of days were ok, I wasn't feeling too bad, infact I felt calm, almost peaceful…..and then I had to get through the funeral. It was so hard. I felt like I was going to die, I wanted to die. Mum was there with me but Dad had stayed home with Jake. I was so greatful she was there, I hadn't realized just how much I needed her. There was 100's of people there, all of them there for Matt. Dwayne spoke in the church in place of Jeff, he was a wreck, he couldn't even get out of his seat when it was time for him to stand up & speak. Dwayne got up from behind us, patted Jeff on the shoulder & spoke for him. Shane & Vince spoke too, it was all very hard to listen to. Jeff & I just clung to each other the entire time & I didn't think we were going to get through the day but we did.
The next few days were even worse. I can't begin to describe to you how I felt, if you've ever lost someone you love you'll know what I mean when I say I felt dead inside. I had nothing left. My life was in limbo. I quit my job. I didn't think I was in any fit state to look after kids. I kept having lapses, short periods of time when my mind would just go blank & I'd stare into space. I burned food or I hung up the phone in mid-sentence and one time I seemed to 'wake up' I was standing by the river & I had no recollection of even leaving the house! It'd be way too dangerous for me to be left in charge of children.
I moved in with Jeff & Gilbert, they gave me Matt's old room & I wouldn't have anything changed not even the bed sheets. The first night I stayed there I pulled on one of his sweaters & curled up in his bed, with his pillow in my arms. I could smell him on the bedclothes. I cried myself to sleep every night for a month. It was almost unbearable.
About 10 weeks after his death I was outside on the porch smoking yet another cigarette, when Jeff came outside & snapped me back to reality. He'd kept his word to Matt & he was watching over me, most nights he would slide into the bed beside me just to hold me & I always heard 'I Love You' every day. He'd been my rock, AGAIN!
"Have you done the test?"
I took another drag on my cigarette & pulled my knees up to my chest & Nodded.
"And?" he asked.
I shrugged my shoulders, "I can't look at it! I don't know!"
He sat down & put his arm around me & I leaned my head back onto his shoulder. "Matt stole this from me y'know?" He pulled at the jersey I was wearing & I smiled. He sighed & Held me for about 10 minutes, in silence. We just stared out into the field. "Want me to look for you?"
I took a deep breath, "It's in the bathroom."
Jeff nodded, "And what do you want it to be?"
"I don't know Jeff! I'm so…." I rubbed my temple, "I don't know! I honestly don't know! I need another cigarette!" I stood up & picked up the carton, seemed like all I'd done these past few weeks was sit on the porch staring into space & smoking. I lit one up & turned to face Jeff, "I mean if I'm not then that's it! I never ever get another chance!" I folded my arms & leaned back onto the rail. "And if I am then….." I started to cry & he immediately got up & took me in his arms. "It's crazy! I'm scared that I am & I'm scared that I'm not!" Jeff stroked my hair.
"It's ok! I understand! Shhhh." He waited until I'd calmed down & then looked at me, "You coming in or staying here?"
"I'm staying here!" I took a deep drag on my cigarette, I was shaking.
"Ok I'll be right back!" he kissed my cheek & went inside.
Once alone I sat back onto the bench & thought again about that last wonderful day I had with matt. He'd been so happy, it made me smile when I thought about him twirling around in that field shouting! Then I remembered us making love, the way he'd told me he loved me over & over & the feel of his flesh on mine. I crossed my arms over my chest & hugged myself as the pain in my heart made me start to cry again. I lay down on the bench & closed my eyes remembering every kiss, every touch & the tears flowed faster & harder, it hurt so much. I heard the door open & I opened my eyes to see Jeff standing there with the test in one hand & reading the instructions from the box in the other. His hands were shaking almost as much as mine!
"Wanna see?"
I shook my head & sat up, staring out into the field. "Just tell me!" I closed my eyes & took a deep breath.
"It's positive." He said.