Lost, Confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")
Chapter 41
I nodded slowly. I didn't know what to think! I was pregnant, Matt's baby was growing inside of me & yet I felt so confused as to how I was feeling! I looked at the cigarette in my hand & threw it to the ground.
"Guess I'm quitting these again then huh?"
Jeff came & sat down beside me. "How do you feel?"
I shrugged my shoulders, "I dunno really I'm erm…..wow I guess!" I stared out across the field. "How am I supposed to feel Jeff?"
"I don't know!" he put a hand on my leg, "You're gonna have a baby Bec! You're gonna have my brother's baby!"
"Don't!" I wiped a tear from my cheek.
We sat in silence. I closed my eyes & remembered that last night we had together. 'Hey I think we just made a baby!' I smiled to myself, he was so sure, God how I loved him, life was so unfair! Why did he have to die? He never did anything wrong & yet there was criminals, rapists & child murderers that were still waking up every morning! I was angry, I was frustrated & I was…..pregnant! Pregnant, pregnant, Pregnant, I said it over & over in my mind but it still didn't get any easier to comprehend!
"How do you feel about it?" I asked.
"What do you mean?"
"Well he was your brother, how do you feel?"
Jeff sighed, "I dunno, weird I guess! It's like, well it's an amazing thing y'know, you're gonna have a baby!" He smiled, "But Matt's not here and….." I started to cry, "Oh hey I'm sorry! I didn't mean to upset you!"
"It's not hard to do these days!" He handed me a tissue & I wiped my eyes, "Y'know I ran out of the store the other day because The Calling came on the radio!" I tried to smile, "I dumped my groceries on the floor & just ran! It's like I have no control over my emotions! It's never gonna get any better Jeff!"
"It will, I promise you it will get easier!" he put his arm around me, "I've done it before, when Mom died. I thought it was the end of the world but I got up every morning & went to bed every night, did my school work, ate my meals, carried on, and the days just got better somehow! Trust me Bec!"
"I can't see it! I can't see how I'll ever get over it……I miss him so much!" I cried.
"Yeah I know, I miss him too! You will never get over losing him Bec, none of us will, but it will get easier to cope with him not being here anymore that's all! It WILL get easier babe!"
I stopped crying & smiled. "Matt always called me babe!" I let out a little laugh.
"Sorry." Jeff hung his head.
"It's ok! It was kind of a nice reminder!" I wiped my face & took a deep breath, "So, I guess I'm gonna have a baby then huh?" I smiled & sniffed.
"Yeah!" Jeff smiled, "That's my niece or nephew in there!" he patted my stomach & something dawned on me…..it was the only niece or nephew Jeff was ever going to get! I turned to face him & threw my arms around his neck. "Hey what's this for?" he laughed.
"I don't know!" I said over his shoulder.
He ran a hand through my hair & I closed my eyes. "I'm not complaining!" he said softly. I made to pull away but he held me as we were cheek to cheek & kissed me softly. "Bec?" he whispered in my ear.
I swallowed hard, "Yeah?" I could hear him breathing in my ear, feel the pulse in his neck quicken.
He sighed, "It'll be ok!" he whispered. I nodded. Slowly I pulled away from his grip & we stared into each other's eyes for a few seconds. He moved closer to kiss me & I turned my head so his kiss landed on my cheek & he kept it there as he closed his eyes. "I'm sorry." His lips moved against my cheek.
"I can't….I…." I sighed, "I'm sorry." I stood up & went inside, leaving Jeff alone on the porch with his head in his hands.
Gilbert was in the kitchen making coffee when I walked in. He looked so much older than his years & he'd suffered more in his lifetime than any man should have to endure. I smiled when he looked at me.
"Coffee?" he asked.
"Yeah, thanks!" I sat at the table & waited for him to bring my drink. He sat down opposite me & put the cups on the table.
"So how are you bearing up?"
I let out a laugh, "I'm not! You?"
He shook his head & sighed as he looked into his cup. "I was thinkin' y'know maybe it's time we did something with that room……get his stuff sorted out and maybe a…"
"No."
"It has to be done girl, you can't stay in it like that with all your stuff still in bags! There's perfectly decent closets in there!"
"They're Matt's closets!" I heard myself saying it & I realized how pathetic it sounded but I couldn't help it.
"Yeah but still we could…"
"I'm pregnant!" I blurted out.
Gilbert stopped with his cup halfway to his mouth and stared at me. He put his cup back on the table without taking his eyes off me. Then without saying a word he stood up & held out his arms for me as he came around the table. I stood up & just let him hold me. I cried & cried & just let go completely.
"I want Matt!" I said as I wept.
"I know honey!" he stroked my hair, "I know you do!"
"I can't do this on my own! Why did he have to die Gilbert? Why?"
"I don't know!" He rocked me. "But I do know he wouldn't want to see you like this sweetheart! Come on!"
"I can't help it! I need him!" I sniffed, "God it hurts so much!"
He held me for a long time while I cried on his shoulder.
Chapter 41
I nodded slowly. I didn't know what to think! I was pregnant, Matt's baby was growing inside of me & yet I felt so confused as to how I was feeling! I looked at the cigarette in my hand & threw it to the ground.
"Guess I'm quitting these again then huh?"
Jeff came & sat down beside me. "How do you feel?"
I shrugged my shoulders, "I dunno really I'm erm…..wow I guess!" I stared out across the field. "How am I supposed to feel Jeff?"
"I don't know!" he put a hand on my leg, "You're gonna have a baby Bec! You're gonna have my brother's baby!"
"Don't!" I wiped a tear from my cheek.
We sat in silence. I closed my eyes & remembered that last night we had together. 'Hey I think we just made a baby!' I smiled to myself, he was so sure, God how I loved him, life was so unfair! Why did he have to die? He never did anything wrong & yet there was criminals, rapists & child murderers that were still waking up every morning! I was angry, I was frustrated & I was…..pregnant! Pregnant, pregnant, Pregnant, I said it over & over in my mind but it still didn't get any easier to comprehend!
"How do you feel about it?" I asked.
"What do you mean?"
"Well he was your brother, how do you feel?"
Jeff sighed, "I dunno, weird I guess! It's like, well it's an amazing thing y'know, you're gonna have a baby!" He smiled, "But Matt's not here and….." I started to cry, "Oh hey I'm sorry! I didn't mean to upset you!"
"It's not hard to do these days!" He handed me a tissue & I wiped my eyes, "Y'know I ran out of the store the other day because The Calling came on the radio!" I tried to smile, "I dumped my groceries on the floor & just ran! It's like I have no control over my emotions! It's never gonna get any better Jeff!"
"It will, I promise you it will get easier!" he put his arm around me, "I've done it before, when Mom died. I thought it was the end of the world but I got up every morning & went to bed every night, did my school work, ate my meals, carried on, and the days just got better somehow! Trust me Bec!"
"I can't see it! I can't see how I'll ever get over it……I miss him so much!" I cried.
"Yeah I know, I miss him too! You will never get over losing him Bec, none of us will, but it will get easier to cope with him not being here anymore that's all! It WILL get easier babe!"
I stopped crying & smiled. "Matt always called me babe!" I let out a little laugh.
"Sorry." Jeff hung his head.
"It's ok! It was kind of a nice reminder!" I wiped my face & took a deep breath, "So, I guess I'm gonna have a baby then huh?" I smiled & sniffed.
"Yeah!" Jeff smiled, "That's my niece or nephew in there!" he patted my stomach & something dawned on me…..it was the only niece or nephew Jeff was ever going to get! I turned to face him & threw my arms around his neck. "Hey what's this for?" he laughed.
"I don't know!" I said over his shoulder.
He ran a hand through my hair & I closed my eyes. "I'm not complaining!" he said softly. I made to pull away but he held me as we were cheek to cheek & kissed me softly. "Bec?" he whispered in my ear.
I swallowed hard, "Yeah?" I could hear him breathing in my ear, feel the pulse in his neck quicken.
He sighed, "It'll be ok!" he whispered. I nodded. Slowly I pulled away from his grip & we stared into each other's eyes for a few seconds. He moved closer to kiss me & I turned my head so his kiss landed on my cheek & he kept it there as he closed his eyes. "I'm sorry." His lips moved against my cheek.
"I can't….I…." I sighed, "I'm sorry." I stood up & went inside, leaving Jeff alone on the porch with his head in his hands.
Gilbert was in the kitchen making coffee when I walked in. He looked so much older than his years & he'd suffered more in his lifetime than any man should have to endure. I smiled when he looked at me.
"Coffee?" he asked.
"Yeah, thanks!" I sat at the table & waited for him to bring my drink. He sat down opposite me & put the cups on the table.
"So how are you bearing up?"
I let out a laugh, "I'm not! You?"
He shook his head & sighed as he looked into his cup. "I was thinkin' y'know maybe it's time we did something with that room……get his stuff sorted out and maybe a…"
"No."
"It has to be done girl, you can't stay in it like that with all your stuff still in bags! There's perfectly decent closets in there!"
"They're Matt's closets!" I heard myself saying it & I realized how pathetic it sounded but I couldn't help it.
"Yeah but still we could…"
"I'm pregnant!" I blurted out.
Gilbert stopped with his cup halfway to his mouth and stared at me. He put his cup back on the table without taking his eyes off me. Then without saying a word he stood up & held out his arms for me as he came around the table. I stood up & just let him hold me. I cried & cried & just let go completely.
"I want Matt!" I said as I wept.
"I know honey!" he stroked my hair, "I know you do!"
"I can't do this on my own! Why did he have to die Gilbert? Why?"
"I don't know!" He rocked me. "But I do know he wouldn't want to see you like this sweetheart! Come on!"
"I can't help it! I need him!" I sniffed, "God it hurts so much!"
He held me for a long time while I cried on his shoulder.