Kathryn Janeway of the Starship Crazy

Chapter Seven

Seven of Nine's Coffee Addiction or Borg Should Not Drink Coffee-Proven by Captain Janeway of the Starship Voyager

I sighed. "Nothing on sensors?"

"Nothing on sensors," Kim said.

I groaned. "This is the most boring Alpha shift ever."

"Sure is, " Paris said. "Even with the mirror Voyager parked here with us."

I stood up. "I'll go check the Intendant."

Chakotay snored in response. I giggled and ran off.

"Captain Janeway."

I turned and the Intendant was standing there on the bridge. "I was just looking for you!"

She sighed. "I heard."

"So what?" I shrugged. "I'm getting lunch." I walked off.

"Hey, that's not nice!"

I stuck a tongue back at her. "It's my ship!"

"Stupid Captain, stupid ship."

"I heard that!" I got on the turbolift and barked, "Mess hall."

"Yeah, yeah, " The computer said.

I sighed and got off. "Now, time to chow…"

I heard cheering inside, and I walked in.

"Go, Sev!"

Seven was chugging mugs of…I sniffed. "Coffee?"

Seven looked at me from over her rim. "No wonder you like this coffee!" She finished the cup. "That's fifty." She stood up and stumbled over to me, smiling. "Hiya, Captain."

"Seven, what did I tell you about coffee?"

She walked off. I sighed. "Oh well…"

=/\= =/\= =/\=

The Intendant looked at me. "You look worse for wear."

I glared. "Shut up. Coffee, black."

"Unable to comply."

"Coffee, Black!"

"Unable to comply."

"What?"

"You are not allowed to have coffee."

I seethed with anger. "What can I replicate then?"

"Anything else."

I kicked it. "Fucked up replicator!" I kicked it until it flickered and turned dark.

"Ooh, dissed." The Intendant left. "See ya…if you want coffee."

=/\= =/\= =/\=

"WHAT?" The Intendant yelled. "I want coffee, now!"

"Unable to comply."

"Who can have coffee?!"

"Seven of Nine."

The Intendant phasered it out of existence. "Chakotay, get me a new replicator."

"Yes, Intendant."

I looked at it. "What a waste." I sighed. "Captain Janeway to Seven, why have you-"

There was only static. I sighed again. "Smart Seven."

=/\= =/\= =/\=

"What, Admiral?"

Admiral Paris sighed. "Well, you see, none of us at Starfleet can have coffee. The computer's locked us out. We can't trace it back."

"Well, Seven of Nine is the only one that can have coffee…hmmm."

"Well, hurry up, Captain!" He yelled. "I need my coffee!"

"Yes sir!" I closed the channel. "Well, there's always-"

The doors opened, and Chakotay ran in. "Pandemonium! Seven's gone crazy!"

"Crazy?"

He grabbed me. "She's naked and shooting everybody with a phaser!"

"Naked?" My eye twitched. "No way."

"Yes way! I know her cup size! It's an D!"

I sighed. "Only men would know." I raced off.

"Yours is a B!" He yelled after me.

I groaned and  saw the carnage. "Man, oh man, if Starfleet didn't get my Betsy…" I grabbed a rifle and followed the bodies.

"There you are!"

I turned and aimed. It was the Intendant. "Oh," I said, "it's you." I put it down. "Why are your men on my ship?"

"They were forced out."

I sighed. "Come on, we have to get Seven." I walked to the bridge, where she was naked, piloting Voyager to a wormhole.

"Hey, there's a ship coming out of there!" The Intendant yelled. "I'm saved!"

I poked her ribs with the rifle. "Seven, get away from the console!" I pointed the rifle at her.

She turned and fired. We both ducked.

"What's the plan, Captain?"

I looked at the Intendant. "You have a plan?"

"This is your ship!"

There was a bump and a grinding sound, and I took the chance to shoot Seven. She crumpled and I looked at the viewscreen.

"Hey, that's Picard's ship!" I yelled. "Oh man!"

There was a hail, and I ran over and opened the channel.

"This is Intendant Picard of the Klingon Empire. Surrender your weapons and your ship to me."

"Is that what you're taught?" I glanced over.

"Yep." She laughed. "Picard, you idiot. That's a fucked-up recording."

There was a flicker, and the real Picard came on. "Janeway!" He yelled. "I thought I sent you to a empty universe!"

"Oh so you sent me!" She leaned on the rail. "Well, then, chicken, this is war!"

I grabbed her arm. "No wars! Not in Federation space!"

"So that's the mirror Janeway. Such a weakling…" He laughed, and I seethed with anger.

"I'm not a weakling! I'm a starship captain! Bastard!" I went to the tactical console and launched photon torpedoes at his ship. "You're right, Intendant. This is war."