Lost, Confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")
Chapter 42
Over the next few days I hardly even came out of my room. I felt closer to him, surrounded by all his stuff, his pictures on the wall, his clothes in the closet, even his boots remained under the bed where he left them. All I did was sleep, I didn't even take a shower! Jeff kept coming in & sitting on the bed, I always knew when he was there but nine times out of ten I didn't even open my eyes. When my eyes were closed I could see Matt perfectly, everything about him still sharp in my mind, even his smell. If I opened my eyes he wasn't there, it was just easier to keep them closed. Gilbert brought me food & coffee & stayed with me until I'd eaten something. I just picked at the meals he brought me. There was no point in eating, I had nothing left to live for. If I died I would be with Matt again, that was all I wanted. Life had no meaning for me anymore.
Jeff & Gilbert tried really hard to help me but I didn't want help, I just wanted to stop living! Jeff even got Dwayne to speak to me on the phone and although I did talk to him for over an hour I still felt the same. Jeff started to sleep in the bed with me every night. He would talk about Matt for hours as he held me in his arms. He would always tell me how much he loved me, but it meant nothing to me, it was just another bunch of hollow words. I didn't even cry anymore. I had nothing left, no feelings, no emotions, I was in my own private hell with no way of ever escaping.
I went on like this for an entire week. Then one day I opened my eyes & I heard someone singing. I sat up in bed, listening, that song…..it drew me out of my room for the first time IN DAYS. I walked along the hall & down the stairs as if I was in a trance! When I got into the living room I could still hear it getting louder.
*Remember, to let her into your heart, then you can start, to make it better*
It was Jeff. He was washing dishes in the sink & singing to himself.
*Hey Jude, don't be afraid, you were made to go out & get her *
I found my lips moving, mouthing the words. Jeff didn't know I was there, he had his back to me, until I started to quietly sing along with him.
*The minute you let her under your skin, then you begin, to make it better *
He turned & looked at me, "Bec! You're up!" he smiled.
"Me & Matt sang that song!" I started to cry but I wasn't sad any more! I began to feel warm inside & I smiled through my tears, "Man he could NOT sing in tune!"
Jeff looked at me, amazed for a second & then he started to laugh…..and I laughed too! It was like I'd found this amazing feeling, I could laugh! I was laughing & crying at the same time! Jeff stopped laughing & smiled at me.
"Feeling better now?"
"Oh….yeah….a little!" I went to sit down but he held my arm as I went past him. I looked up into his face & he touched my cheek & smiled.
"It will get better y'know? But you have to want it to get better!"
"Yeah!" I smiled, "I do want it to get better!" I went to kiss his cheek but he turned his head so out lips touched. I let it happen, for a few seconds I just stood there.
"Bec you're….." Gilbert looked from one of us to the other & I just hung my head. He looked us up & down then walked straight past us & outside. We both just stood looking at the door for a second.
"I'm gonna go….take a shower!" I walked out of the kitchen.
Once I was under the water my mind wandered back to Matt & I sighed. It suddenly dawned on me that when we were in the hospital Jeff had admitted he was in love with me! At the time it had been so unimportant & I hadn't really taken any notice, I had other things on my mind. But now…..God it hit me like a brick! But it was wrong, so damn wrong! When our lips had touched I had felt alive again, but there was no way I could even contemplate being with Jeff! It just wasn't right & it wouldn't be happening!
Gilbert was very quiet for the rest of the day. Over dinner he hardly spoke a word to either of us. I didn't know why. Jeff cleared his throat & tried to make conversation.
"I'm thinking about going back to work."
Gilbert swallowed his food & took a drink from his glass. "Well maybe that'll be a good thing son. Life goes on."
I looked at the food on my plate, I had to force it into my mouth. It didn't seem right to do normal things like sitting down for dinner! We ate in silence for a while then Jeff spoke again.
"I was thinking about asking Bec to come with me! That is if you want to come of course?"
I was about to speak when Gilbert beat me to it. "Ah that's not such a good idea! Bec can stay here with me while you're away."
I glanced at Jeff! I thought 'here we go! The not-in-your-condition speech!'
"Well I err…think Bec can maybe decide for herself Dad I mean she's perfectly capable of….."
"It's not right!" Gilbert put his knife & fork down & pushed his plate away.
"What isn't?" Jeff asked.
Gilbert sighed, "This! You two….in the same bed every night & now talking about going away together!"
"DAD!"
"No Jeffery!" he held up his hand to silence Jeff, "It's been eating away at me for a while & now I'm gonna say my piece!" I took a gulp of water. "You two, well as I said it's not right! Bec you are carrying Matt's child!"
"Dad for God's sake! What the hell has gotten into you?!" Jeff stood up.
"It's nothing to do with God or hell & I'd kindly like to remind you who you are talking to young man!" Gilbert raised his voice. "When Matthew asked you to look after Bec you agreed to take on that responsibility and now, your brother isn't even cold in his grave & I find you two canoodling in the kitchen!"
I put a hand to my mouth & ran upstairs to my room. "Great Dad!" I heard Jeff say before I closed the door.
I lay in bed crying as I listened to them arguing downstairs. It wasn't very often Jeff spoke to his father that way & I felt so guilty that I was the cause of it! Gilbert was right though but I'd already figured it out for myself anyway! Since I'd come to America my life had been jumping from one shit heap to another & the only solid thing I had through all of it was Matt & Jeff. Now all I had was Jeff & Gilbert was trying to take him away from me aswell. Just when I'd had a half decent day, starting to feel somewhere close to human again & now this! "God Matt!" I whispered, "I wish you were here!" the shouting eventually stopped & I heard someone thumping up the stairs. A few seconds later my door opened & Jeff came in & sat down on the bed.
"I'm sorry you had to hear that!"
"It's not your fault." I reached for his hand & he curled his fingers around mine.
"It hit him really hard Bec! He didn't mean to say all of that shit! It's not like him to be so cruel!"
"He's just lost his son Jeff! You lost your brother! Everyone's not quite themselves right about now! I understand how he feels believe me!"
"When we lost Mom, y'know we were just kids, but Matt, he was somethin' else Bec!" Jeff smiled, "He learned how to cook….he even ironed my clothes when Dad was working and he was always there for me no matter what!" He sighed, "I just wanted to be like that for you and Dad too but…"
"You are like that!" I squeezed his hand, "You are an amazingly selfless person Jeff hardy & your brother would be so proud of you I know he would!" I smiled through my tears.
"I wanna help, y'know with the baby and everything? You won't ever have to be on your own I want you to know that!"
"Oh Jeff!" Tears rolled down my cheeks as I sat up to hold him. 'Thankyou! Thankyou so much!"
"Well maybe I won't change diapers!" he said over my shoulder.
I laughed & let go of him, "Oh you are so changing diapers pal!"
"No! No! No! No! No! You're the nanny! You know how to wipe up all that shit & everything!" He pulled a face & shuddered.
"Coward!" I laughed & wiped my face on my sleeve.
"That's twice today!" he smiled at me.
"What's twice?"
"You laughed!" He touched my cheek & I closed my eyes & smiled.
"Yeah I did didn't I?"
"Tired?" he asked as he tucked my hair behind my ear & I nodded. "Ok I'll erm….go then. Let you get some sleep!" He headed for the door.
"Aren't you staying?"
"Well I thought after what Dad said maybe you'd rather I slept in my own…." I threw back the quilt & moved over the bed & he smiled! "You sure?"
"I don't wanna be alone!"
He smiled, "Me either!" He kicked off his boots & climbed in beside me both of us still fully dressed, but then again we usually were! I turned onto my side & he snuggled up behind me. He put one arm over my waist & I held his hand close to me. "Can I just say you smell a hell of a lot better than you did yesterday!" He sniffed my neck & I giggled. We lay in silence for a few minutes & then he whispered in my ear, "You still awake?"
"Yeah."
"I love you! I forgot to say it today!"
I smiled, "Thankyou!" I said quietly then I remembered the feeling I'd had every time I'd told Matt I loved him & he would always say 'thankyou' or 'aren't I lucky' or some shit like that & it used to make my stomach churn. "Jeff?" I whispered.
"Hmmm?"
I took a deep breath, "I love you too!"
He squeezed me tightly. I wasn't lying I did love him. Ok so I wasn't 'IN' love with him & I think he knew that too! But I did love him, guess I had done for some time!
Chapter 42
Over the next few days I hardly even came out of my room. I felt closer to him, surrounded by all his stuff, his pictures on the wall, his clothes in the closet, even his boots remained under the bed where he left them. All I did was sleep, I didn't even take a shower! Jeff kept coming in & sitting on the bed, I always knew when he was there but nine times out of ten I didn't even open my eyes. When my eyes were closed I could see Matt perfectly, everything about him still sharp in my mind, even his smell. If I opened my eyes he wasn't there, it was just easier to keep them closed. Gilbert brought me food & coffee & stayed with me until I'd eaten something. I just picked at the meals he brought me. There was no point in eating, I had nothing left to live for. If I died I would be with Matt again, that was all I wanted. Life had no meaning for me anymore.
Jeff & Gilbert tried really hard to help me but I didn't want help, I just wanted to stop living! Jeff even got Dwayne to speak to me on the phone and although I did talk to him for over an hour I still felt the same. Jeff started to sleep in the bed with me every night. He would talk about Matt for hours as he held me in his arms. He would always tell me how much he loved me, but it meant nothing to me, it was just another bunch of hollow words. I didn't even cry anymore. I had nothing left, no feelings, no emotions, I was in my own private hell with no way of ever escaping.
I went on like this for an entire week. Then one day I opened my eyes & I heard someone singing. I sat up in bed, listening, that song…..it drew me out of my room for the first time IN DAYS. I walked along the hall & down the stairs as if I was in a trance! When I got into the living room I could still hear it getting louder.
*Remember, to let her into your heart, then you can start, to make it better*
It was Jeff. He was washing dishes in the sink & singing to himself.
*Hey Jude, don't be afraid, you were made to go out & get her *
I found my lips moving, mouthing the words. Jeff didn't know I was there, he had his back to me, until I started to quietly sing along with him.
*The minute you let her under your skin, then you begin, to make it better *
He turned & looked at me, "Bec! You're up!" he smiled.
"Me & Matt sang that song!" I started to cry but I wasn't sad any more! I began to feel warm inside & I smiled through my tears, "Man he could NOT sing in tune!"
Jeff looked at me, amazed for a second & then he started to laugh…..and I laughed too! It was like I'd found this amazing feeling, I could laugh! I was laughing & crying at the same time! Jeff stopped laughing & smiled at me.
"Feeling better now?"
"Oh….yeah….a little!" I went to sit down but he held my arm as I went past him. I looked up into his face & he touched my cheek & smiled.
"It will get better y'know? But you have to want it to get better!"
"Yeah!" I smiled, "I do want it to get better!" I went to kiss his cheek but he turned his head so out lips touched. I let it happen, for a few seconds I just stood there.
"Bec you're….." Gilbert looked from one of us to the other & I just hung my head. He looked us up & down then walked straight past us & outside. We both just stood looking at the door for a second.
"I'm gonna go….take a shower!" I walked out of the kitchen.
Once I was under the water my mind wandered back to Matt & I sighed. It suddenly dawned on me that when we were in the hospital Jeff had admitted he was in love with me! At the time it had been so unimportant & I hadn't really taken any notice, I had other things on my mind. But now…..God it hit me like a brick! But it was wrong, so damn wrong! When our lips had touched I had felt alive again, but there was no way I could even contemplate being with Jeff! It just wasn't right & it wouldn't be happening!
Gilbert was very quiet for the rest of the day. Over dinner he hardly spoke a word to either of us. I didn't know why. Jeff cleared his throat & tried to make conversation.
"I'm thinking about going back to work."
Gilbert swallowed his food & took a drink from his glass. "Well maybe that'll be a good thing son. Life goes on."
I looked at the food on my plate, I had to force it into my mouth. It didn't seem right to do normal things like sitting down for dinner! We ate in silence for a while then Jeff spoke again.
"I was thinking about asking Bec to come with me! That is if you want to come of course?"
I was about to speak when Gilbert beat me to it. "Ah that's not such a good idea! Bec can stay here with me while you're away."
I glanced at Jeff! I thought 'here we go! The not-in-your-condition speech!'
"Well I err…think Bec can maybe decide for herself Dad I mean she's perfectly capable of….."
"It's not right!" Gilbert put his knife & fork down & pushed his plate away.
"What isn't?" Jeff asked.
Gilbert sighed, "This! You two….in the same bed every night & now talking about going away together!"
"DAD!"
"No Jeffery!" he held up his hand to silence Jeff, "It's been eating away at me for a while & now I'm gonna say my piece!" I took a gulp of water. "You two, well as I said it's not right! Bec you are carrying Matt's child!"
"Dad for God's sake! What the hell has gotten into you?!" Jeff stood up.
"It's nothing to do with God or hell & I'd kindly like to remind you who you are talking to young man!" Gilbert raised his voice. "When Matthew asked you to look after Bec you agreed to take on that responsibility and now, your brother isn't even cold in his grave & I find you two canoodling in the kitchen!"
I put a hand to my mouth & ran upstairs to my room. "Great Dad!" I heard Jeff say before I closed the door.
I lay in bed crying as I listened to them arguing downstairs. It wasn't very often Jeff spoke to his father that way & I felt so guilty that I was the cause of it! Gilbert was right though but I'd already figured it out for myself anyway! Since I'd come to America my life had been jumping from one shit heap to another & the only solid thing I had through all of it was Matt & Jeff. Now all I had was Jeff & Gilbert was trying to take him away from me aswell. Just when I'd had a half decent day, starting to feel somewhere close to human again & now this! "God Matt!" I whispered, "I wish you were here!" the shouting eventually stopped & I heard someone thumping up the stairs. A few seconds later my door opened & Jeff came in & sat down on the bed.
"I'm sorry you had to hear that!"
"It's not your fault." I reached for his hand & he curled his fingers around mine.
"It hit him really hard Bec! He didn't mean to say all of that shit! It's not like him to be so cruel!"
"He's just lost his son Jeff! You lost your brother! Everyone's not quite themselves right about now! I understand how he feels believe me!"
"When we lost Mom, y'know we were just kids, but Matt, he was somethin' else Bec!" Jeff smiled, "He learned how to cook….he even ironed my clothes when Dad was working and he was always there for me no matter what!" He sighed, "I just wanted to be like that for you and Dad too but…"
"You are like that!" I squeezed his hand, "You are an amazingly selfless person Jeff hardy & your brother would be so proud of you I know he would!" I smiled through my tears.
"I wanna help, y'know with the baby and everything? You won't ever have to be on your own I want you to know that!"
"Oh Jeff!" Tears rolled down my cheeks as I sat up to hold him. 'Thankyou! Thankyou so much!"
"Well maybe I won't change diapers!" he said over my shoulder.
I laughed & let go of him, "Oh you are so changing diapers pal!"
"No! No! No! No! No! You're the nanny! You know how to wipe up all that shit & everything!" He pulled a face & shuddered.
"Coward!" I laughed & wiped my face on my sleeve.
"That's twice today!" he smiled at me.
"What's twice?"
"You laughed!" He touched my cheek & I closed my eyes & smiled.
"Yeah I did didn't I?"
"Tired?" he asked as he tucked my hair behind my ear & I nodded. "Ok I'll erm….go then. Let you get some sleep!" He headed for the door.
"Aren't you staying?"
"Well I thought after what Dad said maybe you'd rather I slept in my own…." I threw back the quilt & moved over the bed & he smiled! "You sure?"
"I don't wanna be alone!"
He smiled, "Me either!" He kicked off his boots & climbed in beside me both of us still fully dressed, but then again we usually were! I turned onto my side & he snuggled up behind me. He put one arm over my waist & I held his hand close to me. "Can I just say you smell a hell of a lot better than you did yesterday!" He sniffed my neck & I giggled. We lay in silence for a few minutes & then he whispered in my ear, "You still awake?"
"Yeah."
"I love you! I forgot to say it today!"
I smiled, "Thankyou!" I said quietly then I remembered the feeling I'd had every time I'd told Matt I loved him & he would always say 'thankyou' or 'aren't I lucky' or some shit like that & it used to make my stomach churn. "Jeff?" I whispered.
"Hmmm?"
I took a deep breath, "I love you too!"
He squeezed me tightly. I wasn't lying I did love him. Ok so I wasn't 'IN' love with him & I think he knew that too! But I did love him, guess I had done for some time!