Lost, Confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")
Chapter 43
The next couple of weeks went by very slowly. Jeff got back into training so a lot of the time I was left in the house with Gilbert & he didn't talk much. The days dragged by but the nights were even harder & seemed to last forever. The day came when I had to go for an ultrasound scan & I was terrified. It wasn't that I was scared there would be something wrong with the baby, it was the fact that it would be up there on the screen & it would be real! I wouldn't be able to deny it any longer, Matt's baby would be a fact that I'd have to deal with & I didn't think I was ready, not yet!
As Jeff drove me to the hospital I felt sick with nerves & I fidgeted with my hands as I stared out of the window looking at everything & seeing nothing.
In the waiting room I was twice as bad. Every time a nurse came out I held my breath incase she was going to call my name, it was unbearable. I was surrounded by pregnant women all with their partners or husbands holding their hands, smiling, happy families with long awaited new life inside of them.
Jeff went to get us a coffee & one of the heavily pregnant women spoke to me.
"Is this your first?
"Oh um yes it is!" I didn't want to make small talk with this total stranger so I turned back around to watch Jeff at the vending machine.
"Got 3 myself!" she smiled, so I returned it, forced a smile & said nothing. "I could tell it was your first!"
I sighed, she wasn't going to give up so I turned around and replied, "Oh how was that?"
"You & your husband, you both look so nervous!"
"Oh he's not my husband I…."
"Ah well that doesn't matter these days does it? As long as baby has a daddy a ring on your finger makes no difference!" She beamed at me! Stupid woman! She had no idea what she was talking about! It boiled me up inside & I just wanted to turn around & tell her to shut the fuck up! I opened my mouth & then thought better of it & just turned away.
Jeff came back with the coffee's but I felt too sick to drink it!
"Are you going to find out baby's sex?" I rolled my eyes as the woman's voice boomed out above all the other noises in the place.
Jeff turned around, "This is just the first scan, they won't be able to tell the baby's sex yet!" He said politely & turned back.
"How the hell do you know that?" I whispered, totally gob smacked at his sudden knowledge!
"Oh I've been reading some books n stuff, y'know?" he smiled.
"You never cease to amaze me Jeff Hardy!" I smiled & he took hold of my hand.
"You ok?"
"Not really!"
"Ah it'll soon be over! Try not to worry too much!" he squeezed my hand & then I heard my name being called.
I took a deep breath & muttered 'Shit!' as I stood up. Jeff remained in his seat. "Aren't you coming?"
"Do you want me to?"
"Of course I do!"
Jeff smiled, "I hoped you'd say that!"
We went into the room & the nurse got me to lie on the bed.
"This your first?" she smiled cheerfully.
'Here we go again!' I thought!
"Yes it is!"
"Ok well this won't hurt but it might be a bit cold!"
She squirted some sort of gel onto my stomach & pulled a trolley over with a machine & a monitor on it. My heart rate doubled & I closed my eyes. The more I thought about it the more I started to panick!
"I can't do this! I'm sorry!" I got off the bed & ran outside! I didn't stop until I got into the gardens. Tears streamed down my face & I leaned against a fence gasping for breath. Jeff wandered up to me with his hands in his pockets & his head down. He leaned against the fence next to me. "I'm sorry!" I whispered.
He shrugged his shoulders & looked towards the sky, "No biggie! We can wait! When you've calmed down we'll go back in!"
"I can't!" I whined.
"Yeah you can & you will or we'll be sitting here all night until you do!"
"I sighed, "I can't handle it!"
"Yes you can!" he turned to me & took both of my hands in his. "You can't be thinking about yourself right now you hear?" I looked up at him through my tears, "There's a baby in there! He needs to be checked out, this isn't about you, or Matt even! You have to be strong! You can do this! I love you & I know you can do it!"
I put my head on his shoulder & cried for a while until I felt I was ready to go back inside. I knew he was right, he was always right these days! Everytime something got too much for me to deal with along came Jeff & made it all ok again!
He put his arm around my shoulders & led me back inside & although I was shaking uncontrollably, he held tight to me until I got back onto the bed.
"You ok now?" The nurse asked, looking concerned. I nodded & gulped & closed my eyes. I felt Jeff take hold of my hand & I squeezed it tightly. "Ok we just need to give it a minute……..ah there we are…….there's baby!" I couldn't open my eyes! "I'll turn the monitor around so daddy can see!" She said enthusiastically. I squeezed my eyes shut & a tear rolled down my cheek. If only daddy was here!
"Oh I'm not…"
"Jeff!" I interrupted him, I didn't wanna hear it!
"Open your eyes Bec! Oh my!…………….Wow! Bec you have to see this!"
I slowly opened my eyes & stared at the monitor. There, on the screen, a small blob was moving around, doing summersaults! It was strange to think that was inside of me, it's tiny heart beating, and yet I couldn't feel a thing! My tears flowed freely as I reached out & touched the screen with my fingertips. I turned to see Jeff smiling as he wiped a solitary tear from his cheek. It wasn't how I expected, I mean it didn't even look like a baby, but still, the love I felt for this tiny thing overflowed the instant my eyes fell upon it! A tiny piece of Matt still lived, it was incredible!
I didn't speak much in the car on the way home, I just started at the picture the nurse had printed out for me. 'Matt's baby!' was all my mind could muster over & over again!
At home I lay on my bed & quietly cried. Jeff came in & asked me if I was ok & I told him I wanted to be alone for a while. I didn't know any more until it was morning & the sun shone in my window. I must have slept for 14 hours straight and still the picture was in my hand when I opened my eyes.
Chapter 43
The next couple of weeks went by very slowly. Jeff got back into training so a lot of the time I was left in the house with Gilbert & he didn't talk much. The days dragged by but the nights were even harder & seemed to last forever. The day came when I had to go for an ultrasound scan & I was terrified. It wasn't that I was scared there would be something wrong with the baby, it was the fact that it would be up there on the screen & it would be real! I wouldn't be able to deny it any longer, Matt's baby would be a fact that I'd have to deal with & I didn't think I was ready, not yet!
As Jeff drove me to the hospital I felt sick with nerves & I fidgeted with my hands as I stared out of the window looking at everything & seeing nothing.
In the waiting room I was twice as bad. Every time a nurse came out I held my breath incase she was going to call my name, it was unbearable. I was surrounded by pregnant women all with their partners or husbands holding their hands, smiling, happy families with long awaited new life inside of them.
Jeff went to get us a coffee & one of the heavily pregnant women spoke to me.
"Is this your first?
"Oh um yes it is!" I didn't want to make small talk with this total stranger so I turned back around to watch Jeff at the vending machine.
"Got 3 myself!" she smiled, so I returned it, forced a smile & said nothing. "I could tell it was your first!"
I sighed, she wasn't going to give up so I turned around and replied, "Oh how was that?"
"You & your husband, you both look so nervous!"
"Oh he's not my husband I…."
"Ah well that doesn't matter these days does it? As long as baby has a daddy a ring on your finger makes no difference!" She beamed at me! Stupid woman! She had no idea what she was talking about! It boiled me up inside & I just wanted to turn around & tell her to shut the fuck up! I opened my mouth & then thought better of it & just turned away.
Jeff came back with the coffee's but I felt too sick to drink it!
"Are you going to find out baby's sex?" I rolled my eyes as the woman's voice boomed out above all the other noises in the place.
Jeff turned around, "This is just the first scan, they won't be able to tell the baby's sex yet!" He said politely & turned back.
"How the hell do you know that?" I whispered, totally gob smacked at his sudden knowledge!
"Oh I've been reading some books n stuff, y'know?" he smiled.
"You never cease to amaze me Jeff Hardy!" I smiled & he took hold of my hand.
"You ok?"
"Not really!"
"Ah it'll soon be over! Try not to worry too much!" he squeezed my hand & then I heard my name being called.
I took a deep breath & muttered 'Shit!' as I stood up. Jeff remained in his seat. "Aren't you coming?"
"Do you want me to?"
"Of course I do!"
Jeff smiled, "I hoped you'd say that!"
We went into the room & the nurse got me to lie on the bed.
"This your first?" she smiled cheerfully.
'Here we go again!' I thought!
"Yes it is!"
"Ok well this won't hurt but it might be a bit cold!"
She squirted some sort of gel onto my stomach & pulled a trolley over with a machine & a monitor on it. My heart rate doubled & I closed my eyes. The more I thought about it the more I started to panick!
"I can't do this! I'm sorry!" I got off the bed & ran outside! I didn't stop until I got into the gardens. Tears streamed down my face & I leaned against a fence gasping for breath. Jeff wandered up to me with his hands in his pockets & his head down. He leaned against the fence next to me. "I'm sorry!" I whispered.
He shrugged his shoulders & looked towards the sky, "No biggie! We can wait! When you've calmed down we'll go back in!"
"I can't!" I whined.
"Yeah you can & you will or we'll be sitting here all night until you do!"
"I sighed, "I can't handle it!"
"Yes you can!" he turned to me & took both of my hands in his. "You can't be thinking about yourself right now you hear?" I looked up at him through my tears, "There's a baby in there! He needs to be checked out, this isn't about you, or Matt even! You have to be strong! You can do this! I love you & I know you can do it!"
I put my head on his shoulder & cried for a while until I felt I was ready to go back inside. I knew he was right, he was always right these days! Everytime something got too much for me to deal with along came Jeff & made it all ok again!
He put his arm around my shoulders & led me back inside & although I was shaking uncontrollably, he held tight to me until I got back onto the bed.
"You ok now?" The nurse asked, looking concerned. I nodded & gulped & closed my eyes. I felt Jeff take hold of my hand & I squeezed it tightly. "Ok we just need to give it a minute……..ah there we are…….there's baby!" I couldn't open my eyes! "I'll turn the monitor around so daddy can see!" She said enthusiastically. I squeezed my eyes shut & a tear rolled down my cheek. If only daddy was here!
"Oh I'm not…"
"Jeff!" I interrupted him, I didn't wanna hear it!
"Open your eyes Bec! Oh my!…………….Wow! Bec you have to see this!"
I slowly opened my eyes & stared at the monitor. There, on the screen, a small blob was moving around, doing summersaults! It was strange to think that was inside of me, it's tiny heart beating, and yet I couldn't feel a thing! My tears flowed freely as I reached out & touched the screen with my fingertips. I turned to see Jeff smiling as he wiped a solitary tear from his cheek. It wasn't how I expected, I mean it didn't even look like a baby, but still, the love I felt for this tiny thing overflowed the instant my eyes fell upon it! A tiny piece of Matt still lived, it was incredible!
I didn't speak much in the car on the way home, I just started at the picture the nurse had printed out for me. 'Matt's baby!' was all my mind could muster over & over again!
At home I lay on my bed & quietly cried. Jeff came in & asked me if I was ok & I told him I wanted to be alone for a while. I didn't know any more until it was morning & the sun shone in my window. I must have slept for 14 hours straight and still the picture was in my hand when I opened my eyes.