Chapter 5: 'Till I Collapse

'Cause sometimes you just feel tired, feel weak

And when you feel weak, you feel like you wanna just give up

But you got to search within you, and try to find that inner strength

And just pull that shit out of you

And get that motivation to not give up, and not be a quitter

No matter how bad you wanna just fall flat on your face and collapse

- 'Till I Collapse by Eminem

But boy, did he test my resolve.

Our training began the next day: three hours every weekday and five hours on weekends. Itachi wasn't kidding. It was tough. I'd meet him at the gym, which we'd joined following our first session, and he'd give me a lift home. I always felt bad because I was covered in sweat by the end.

"You're supposed to be," he answered wryly, when I apologized for how sweaty I was, feeling bad for getting sweat on the passenger seat in Fugaku's car.

Our lessons started out the same every day: jogging around the track to build up my endurance, flexibility training and basic gymnastics, and taijutsu training. We did some kind of weight training every day, alternating between muscle groups, and jump training three times a week.

While my body remembered a lot of the moves I learned in karate, I wasn't in shape at all. I wasn't built like a runner: I was short and curvy with too much extra padding. Running didn't come naturally to me and to be honest, I'm kinda lazy by nature when it comes to physical activity.

But.

I didn't want to become like my friends and classmates and take advantage of Itachi's time. I felt defeated during training, but I knew he really was giving me the best chance to build up my skills.

I was constantly in pain, my muscles protesting with every movement, never being subjected to this amount of torture in all my fifteen years.

But I bit back every complaint.

We settled into a routine as I started to get used to our training regimen. The weeks passed and soon I stopped thinking of training as a novelty. It just became part of my day, like English, math, choir, and everything else.

Itachi did his own workout alongside me (while making sure my form was correct) for weight training, running laps, jump training, and taijutsu. I felt bad that I was cutting into his own workout time, but he told me not to worry about it. I wasn't convinced, and was even more determined to show I was worth the considerable time he was taking out of his day. Even if it was his suggestion to train for so many hours.

Since Itachi did his own thing for part of the time, one day I asked if he minded if I listened to music while I ran laps. It was starting to get boring, and I noticed he tried to get me to run as long as I could. Music usually helps me get in the zone for anything, so I wondered if it could help me push myself further. "Sure," he said.

Running, taijutsu, and even weights, were all familiar or easy enough motions to pick up again or get accustomed to. They were easy and repetitive enough movements. Gymnastics and acrobatic training on the other hand… That was hard. Although…not without its perks.

I'd never done anything like that before, and while I was regaining some of my flexibility from karate, being able to do a high kick is different than being able to bend into a bridge or do a back handspring.

Itachi spent a lot of time making sure I developed proper form, having me go into various positions on the mat and hold it for sometimes twenty minutes at a time. He would hold a hand to my back to keep me in place, or hold my shoulders to push me further into my stretches and keep me from straightening until he determined it was long enough.

It hurt like hell, but the memory of the warmth and firmness of his hand against me kept me up at night.

I savoured every moment.

But I still had homework, assignments, tests, singing lessons, and choir.

My friends started making comments about the deep purple bags under my eyes, and not super kindly either. I tried to brush it off by saying I was busy with school and choir, but that didn't stop them.

One day, on my way home from singing lessons, fed up with their comments, I stopped by the drugstore and picked up a full face of makeup products (not really knowing how to put most of it on very well), just to get them to stop. It didn't fully make the bags go away, but at least I could make my face look more alive and less pale and sallow.

Another change happened with my overloaded schedule.

"70%?" Tammy read the grade on my latest history test out loud. It sounded mocking.

I snatched my test away and shoved it into my backpack. I avoided her judgy gaze. I snuck a glance at her test. 92%. Dammit. I had started taking naps after training with Itachi because my body wasn't used to the strain, so I was losing more time for schoolwork. I knew courses like history didn't really matter — I didn't think I was going to become a professor or researcher or anything — but I couldn't bear the thought of graduating without an A or A+ average all four years of high school. Call it being competitive or just needing that perfect streak.

I had to figure out a way to balance it all.

My days became even more regimented. I was on a tight schedule. Every hour was accounted for. Even my naps were scheduled — I set an alarm and everything to make sure I didn't sleep in. I stopped hanging out with my friends outside of school — I didn't have time. I started to bring my textbooks to the dinner table and ate while studying just to save the extra minutes. I was hungry all the time too, probably from the intense workouts I was doing, and doubling down on my studies. I even started doing yoga videos on YouTube to build up my strength and flexibility for gymnastics.

I didn't realize three months has passed until Itachi brought it up as I handed him a wad of cash for that day's lesson.

"You've improved in the last three months."

Has it really been that long? I wondered. "Oh! Uh, thanks!"

He gave me one of those radiant smiles. It seemed genuine, but at the same time this guy could win an Oscar for how well he's deceived the entire ninja world, so who really knows? "You should be proud of your progress."

I flushed at the compliment. He didn't hand those out often — in fact, he didn't speak much during our lessons, other than to give instructions or to correct me.

I showered when I got home and then took a good look at myself in the mirror. I hadn't had much time to spend on my appearance other than the ritualistic covering up my tired features. I was developing muscles in places that used to be flabby. I put my hands on my hips, noticing new definition and the curve of biceps. My thunder thighs were still thunderous, but I noticed more contour than there had been from before. My belly looked flatter too, and… Is that the hint of a six-pack forming? I tensed my abs, then released them. I think so!

The next day when I met Itachi at the gym, he had a small metal crate on the floor next to him.

"What's that?" I asked as I started stretching.

"You're ready to start weapons training," he replied. "Finish your warm-up and start going for a run. I'll set up the targets."

Oh my God… I'm gonna learn how to use kunai and shuriken!

I pulled out my wireless headphones and pressed play. My running playlist varied depending on my mood: some days it's heavy metal, some days it's Broadway or Disney musicals, some days it's jazz, but today, like most days, it was J-pop and anime theme songs. As exhausted as I always was, it was a great pick-me-up and always got me pumped and in a good mood and energized.

My playlist was about 40 minutes and I realized I had run through it once and was back to the beginning. I slipped my headphones down to my neck and looked around. Itachi had joined me around the track. He motioned for me to keep going.

My phone was on the other side of the gym, so I guess I'm stuck with the same playlist. Diver by NICO Touches the Walls came on. What a banger! I let the energetic electric guitars wash over me and transport me to Konoha.

Iki wo shitakute koko wa kurushikute

Yami wo miageru dake no yoru wa mogaku gen'atsushou no DAIBAA

Ikite iru n datte tashikametakute

Fukai kaitei wo mezashite mou ichido kokyuu wo shiyou

I want to breathe but I'm having difficulty here

Simply looking up into the dark of night, I am a diver struggling with sickness from descent

Even though I'm alive, I need to make sure

So as I aim for the deep seabed, I'll breathe once again

It was only after Itachi tapped me on the shoulder to stop did I realize how long I'd been running. Sometimes music just makes me zone out and I forget where I am. On the bright side… I think that might be a new record for how long I've been able to go. I don't remember stopping to take a break either…

I slowed to a stop and slipped my headphones down to my neck again. Ah, there it is. The tightness in my lungs. I gasped for air. I guess I didn't take a break today…

I was definitely getting much better at my endurance. It was nice to see, and really did make me feel better about myself. I was getting stronger.

But of course Itachi had something new to humble me.

He had me throw shuriken at targets, but I missed most of the time. I even tried throwing to different boards. I missed like 99% of the time. Itachi had the decency to at least encourage me to continue. I would've laughed at myself if I wasn't so embarrassed. What can I say? I'm not an athlete. My hand-eye coordination isn't great.

The shuriken were cold in my hand, and, to my surprise, sharp. It embedded in the wood of the target…well, the one I managed to actually get on a target board.

He's trusting me with real weapons? I thought. Either he forgot that I didn't grow up in a ninja village, or he actually trusts that I can handle this without slicing my hand open…

"Just try aiming at this target," Itachi suggested, pointing out the one closest to where I was standing. I could tell he was being polite. I hoped he wasn't regretting teaching me, especially specializing in shuriken himself. "And watch my form closely."

You don't have to tell me twice.

He held the shuriken between his thumb and forefinger, brought it up to his opposite shoulder, then flicked his arm out at a ninety degree angle and sent it flying. I didn't have to look to tell you it hit the centre of the target. "The important thing is to always keep your eye on your target."

I stepped up to where he had stood. I held the shuriken between my thumb and forefinger, the pose unfamiliar to me. I adjusted my fingers slightly, hoping it would be more comfortable. It wasn't. Okay, then. I stared at the centre of the target. Without moving my eyes, I raised my right arm, holding the weapon, up to my left shoulder, held the pose, and took a deep breath. I remembered learning something in karate about breathing while attacking. Breathe in, then punch as you let out your breath. It was something about force and momentum. I let out my breath as I flung my arm out in front of me, letting the weapon fly…

And stop just short of the target.

"Ugh!" I let out my frustration.

"That was a good attempt," Itachi said, glancing over at me with his Sharingan activated. "Next time try a little more strength behind your throw. With time and practice, you will become accustomed to the weight of each of your weapons and will be able to use an appropriate amount of force."

I nodded. He handed me another shuriken. My fingers brushed against his for the briefest of seconds. His fingers were so much bigger than mine, his hand warm. I felt like the ground dropped from under me for a moment.

I took the shuriken and dropped my hand.

Breathe, Emily, breathe!

I closed my eyes for a moment and tried to clear my thoughts.

I opened my eyes and focused on the target again. I raised my arm to my shoulder again, trying to will the shuriken to hit the board.

I threw it.

It went soaring past the board.

"ARGH!" I yelled in frustration.

Itachi handed me another one. "Try again."

Needless to say, I started to hate weapons training. I thought it would be fun — I definitely enjoyed working with nunchucks and the bō in karate. But throwing shuriken and kunai and making them hit a very narrow target? It looks easier in Naruto, and not just because the Uchihas make it look effortless.

And then, just when I started to get the hang of hitting the targets, Itachi started to move them back, and had me try hitting the other ones around the room as well. Any shred of pride I had left dissipated. Don't even get me started on when he started introducing moving targets.

But, things were looking up in other areas…

"Have you learned how to properly fall during hand-to-hand combat?" Itachi asked me one day during taijutsu practice.

I tried to remember. "I think we might have had a class on that when I took karate," I said, "but it's been a while."

"And have you learned how to flip someone?"

I shook my head. "Have you seen me?" I gestured to all five feet of me.

"I can show you how to take advantage of your size," Itachi said calmly. "No matter your circumstances, you can always use something to your advantage. You will encounter larger opponents most of the time. I wouldn't advise relying on taijutsu alone against an opponent who is significantly stronger than you unless you are certain you will win. However, if you do find yourself in that position, there are several ways you can shift your opponent off-balance and use the difference in height to your advantage."

I nodded, trying to follow.

"It might be easier to show you," Itachi said.

"Okay."

"May I demonstrate?" he asked politely.

I nodded.

"Please stop me if I make you uncomfortable in any way."

Uncomfortable…?

"Something you never want to do is allow them to get behind you," he said, disappearing from my vision. My hair shifted as if there was a breeze. I turned around. Itachi had appeared behind me.

"From here, an opponent could easily put you in a chokehold" — Itachi wrapped an arm around my neck, not tight enough that I couldn't breathe, but firmly enough that I couldn't move either. I hardly had time to think about the fact that Itachi had his arm around me when he dropped it to the side.

"Alternatively, I could simply grab you" — still standing behind me, he grabbed the back of my shirt and thrust me down to the ground. I hardly had time to shout when he caught me just before my knees hit the floor. I hovered inches above the ground, for a moment and then he lifted me up and spun me back around.

"There are a number of other things I could do from here, especially with your back unguarded," Itachi went on calmly, walking around me to face me. "I can show you how to get out of any of those situations once you've mastered manipulating an opponent's centre of gravity."

He led me to an area with mats.

"This move will only work for you if your opponent is not standing straight like this —" he indicated himself, standing with perfect posture as usual, legs in line with his hips. "Currently, I am balanced and it will be very difficult for someone your size and strength to shift me. You can try, if you like."

I shook my head. "No thanks, I trust you."

Itachi gave me a half-smile. "Suit yourself," he replied. He leaned forward pretending to punch me, though I was out of his reach. "If I try to attack, but you're too far away —" he took a step in slow motion to demonstrate his shifting equilibrium — "There are moments where I am off-balance as I move. This is your opportunity to strike." He held the pose, fist extended towards me. He looked at me. "You should deflect my punch, and move to my left side."

I raised an open palm and pushed his outstretched arm away from me, side-stepping away so I was stranding at his left side. My palm was still deflecting his punch, bracing it with my other open palm at his elbow.

"Good."

I flushed at the compliment.

"Next, grab my wrist with the hand with the one at my elbow" — I slid that hand down his arm to his wrist and wrapped my fingers around his wrist, trying not to think about the goosebumps on my own arms. His skin was smooth. I noticed he didn't have much hair on his arms. "Now, in quick succession: turn so your back is to me, then slip your foot around my ankle and drop to your knees, still holding my arm."

What? Drop…to my knees…?

I gripped his wrist and turned around as he asked. I slid my foot back, searching for his. I locked my right leg around his, and, still gripping his wrist, dropped to my knees. Itachi bent forward, his right leg bending around me, as my leg was still wrapped around his ankle. I was consciously aware of his body heat on mine, his chest almost touching my back, his arm over my shoulder as I held his wrist.

"Tuck your chin to your chest, roll forward, pulling my arm. The force will send me over you."

I was skeptical, but followed his instructions. I tucked my chin to my chest, bringing it towards my knees. I gripped his arm with both hands and somersaulted…

…To find myself lying on top of Itachi, my back on his chest, gripping his wrist and forearm. I quickly released it. I quickly tried to extricate myself, but his legs were around mine. My heart pounded and I tried to back up without touching him. He seemed to be delicately shifting himself forward at the same time I was moving back and I found myself inches from his face.

I froze, trying to ignore the butterflies in my stomach.

His eyes were dark, not brown, but actually black, or so they appeared. Long, thick, black eyelashes curled delicately around his eyes. The tear troughs under his eyes weren't as pronounced as they seem in the show, and didn't detract from how beautiful this man is.

Suddenly Itachi was standing a couple feet away from me. "Let's run through that again."

I blinked and stood up, trying to focus. He was really distracting! But I had to pull myself together if I was going to make any progress in my ninja training!

We ran through that exercise until I was able to do it smoothly without stopping and asking him to help walk me through the next move. I wasn't complaining that I ended up lying on top of Itachi the rest of the day. I am going to sleep well dreaming about this, I thought.

I mentally filed the thought away for later.

"Let's try working on learning to properly fall," Itachi then suggested. "I'm going to flip you." He paused. "Keep your body tense. Your head should be tucked to the side so you don't smash your face into the ground. Tuck one arm across your body and lead with your shoulder. Roll on your shoulder and somersault. You should end up on your feet, and you can then back away from your opponent."

He had me step back so he could demonstrate. I nodded. This was similar to some things we had done in karate class.

"Ready to be thrown?" he asked.

I nodded anxiously. He's going to pick me up…!

"We can start off slow so you can get the hang of it," he suggested.

"Okay." My pulse quickened as he approached me.

He glanced at me, then reached out and put his hands lightly on my waist. "Again, please stop me if I'm making you uncomfortable."

I could hardly breathe. I could feel the heat of Itachi's hands through my shirt. I imagined feeling that warmth moving up and down my body…

I cleared my throat. "Um, you're good to keep going."

"Don't forget to tuck your head to the side and lean into the roll with your shoulder," he reminded me. He lifted me up effortlessly. Even though I was insecure about my weight, he lifted me like it was nothing. He must be so strong, I thought dreamily. "I'm going to throw you now."

I turned my head to the side, shifting slightly in his grasp to lead with one shoulder.

"Good," he said, bending his knees slightly, sliding into a stance. The ground shifted and I was spun slowly around. I breathed in, bracing for the fall.

It came slower than it normally would. Itachi slowly lowered me down, and I tried to use the momentum to roll forward. I landed flat on my back, staring up at the ceiling.

Itachi knelt next to me, his long black hair hanging over my face. "Are you all right?"

I flushed, savouring the sight of him leaning over me like that. "Yeah," I said breathlessly, grinning up at him like an idiot.

"Do you know what went wrong?" he asked.

I thought, trying to focus. "I didn't have enough momentum?" I guessed.

"Partly," he answered. "But you also could have tucked your shoulder in more." He stretched a hand out. "Let's try that again."

I took his hand and he effortlessly pulled me up.