Lost, Confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")
Chapter 44
When I got downstairs Jeff & Gilbert were eating breakfast in the kitchen.
"Hey! Want some?" Jeff pointed to a plate of pancakes on the table & I pulled a face & rubbed my stomach.
"No thankyou! I thought I was gonna get away lightly with this pregnancy but 'he' has other ideas!"
"You know it's a boy?" Gilbert spoke & Jeff & I glanced at each other. It was the first time he'd shown any interest in the baby at all!
"Oh no, well not really!" I sat down beside him, "But it has to be a boy!" I smiled, "We didn't pick any girls names!"
"You were planning this?" Jeff put his cup down, "But I thought……"
"No not really! It was just, well that last night…" I paused as I remembered Matt's words, 'He I think we just made a baby!' I smiled, "Well we kinda talked about it……..a little!"
"It could have been one of each! There's twins on their mother's side!" Gilbert took another mouthful of his food.
"Yeah, so I heard!" I smiled. "Gilbert do you want to see the picture we got yesterday?"
"Oh no I don't think……." I pulled out the picture & stuck it under his nose. He swallowed hard & put down his fork. Reluctantly he took the picture from my hand, took his glasses from his top pocket & put them on as he studied the small black & white print out in his hand. I almost held my breath waiting for his reaction. I wanted him to be part of this so much!
He nodded slowly, handed me the picture back, stood up & walked out of the back door. Jeff & I Looked at each other then he stood up. I touched his arm, "Let me go!"
Jeff gave me a concerned look & then sat back down so I followed Gilbert outside. He was standing on the porch with both of his hands on the rail, staring out across the field. I touched his shoulder & he looked up at me.
"I'm sorry! I'm having a hard time with this!"
"That's ok! We all are!"
He nodded slowly. "I just can't seem to….it's too hard to think…" tears welled up in his eyes.
"I know! Believe me I'm only just coming to terms with all of this myself!" I led him to the bench & we sat down, "That night, when we had the accident, he told me he loved me!" Gilbert sighed but I wasn't going to be put off! "He asked me to marry him!" I smiled as a tear trickled down my cheek, "I loved him, I love him still, so much! You won't ever be able to know how much! I just wanted you to know that! I would give anything for him to be here right now! I'd give up my life if it meant he could have lived Gilbert!"
He took hold of my hand, "Yeah, me too!"
"What I'm trying to say is, I don't have Matt any more, I have Jeff and I need you too!" I sniffed, "This baby, your grandchild, needs you!"
"And you & Jeff?"
I sighed, "There is no me & Jeff! There's nothing going on I promise! We need each other right now & that's it! If he wasn't there for me I would have just curled up & died by now! I need him, but I love Matt, I'll always love Matt!"
Finally Gilbert took me in his arms.
**
A couple of hours later I was washing dishes at the sink when Jeff came into the kitchen, grinning like a school kid!
"What's gotten into you?"
"Oh nothin' much!" He grinned.
"So why the big dopey grin?"
"No reason!"
"Jeff you're scaring me!" I dried my hands.
"Ah it's a surprise! You'll see later!"
"Hmmm…I dunno if I like the sound of that!"
Jeff put his arms around my waist, "You will like it! I promise!"
I made us a coffee & we sat down at the table. "Jeff?"
"Yeah?"
"Can you help me out a little today? I mean if you're not too busy?"
"Sure! What do you need?"
I sighed & looked into my cup, "I was thinking, maybe I should sort out Matt's……I mean MY room but I……."
"Don't worry about it! I'll help, come on, bring your coffee!"
"But I meant later I…."
"No come on! Now you've got this into your head do it now before you change your mind!"
He took hold of my hand & together we walked upstairs. I stood in the doorway of Matt's room & looked around at all the stuff everywhere & I really didn't want to touch it!
"Where do you wanna start then?" Jeff said as he sat on the edge of the bed.
"Oh I don't know!" I sighed, "It's his stuff Jeff…………..I don't want to throw any of it away, promise me you won't get rid of it!"
"Ok I promise! We can get some crates & put it all in the attic! I think we have some in the garage actually, hang on…." He opened the window & leaned out. "DAD! DO WE HAVE ANY CRATES IN THE ARAGE?" He yelled.
"I don't know Jeff I'm busy! You will have to come & look, and stop hollerin like a lunatic!" Gilbert shouted from the yard below & I had to smile.
"Ok I won't be a minute!" He smiled as he closed the window, "You can make a start if ya want?"
"Mm….yeah I guess?"
I opened one of the closet doors as Jeff left the room. On the bottom shelf there was a bag, I dragged it out & realized it was from when we went away! God I hadn't even unpacked in 3 months! On further inspection I found our two suitcases and another bag, all of them just dumped in there & not been touched all this time! I dragged those out onto the bedroom floor aswell & sat down among them. I ran my hand over Matt's bag before my fingers found the zipper & I slowly pulled on it. I told myself I was just being stupid, after all it was just a bunch of clothes, but still my hands trembled as I opened the bag. I took a deep breath & started pulling stuff out, a towel, "Ok no biggie! I can deal with that!" I said to myself & threw it into the laundry basket. A shirt, brand new, still in the cellophane with a big 'V1' on the front. I smiled & put it to one side. "Guess we'll keep that for version 2 then huh?" I whispered to myself & although there was no one in the room with me it was as if I was talking to Matt! I found myself doing that sometimes, talking to him without even realizing I was doing it! I figured what the hell? He thought I was a fruit anyway!
The next thing out of the bag was another shirt, same as the last one only this one was screwed up into a ball with the sleeves ripped off, this one had been warn in the ring! I put it to my face without thinking & it stank, but I didn't care! It smelled like Matt did after a show, before he'd taken a shower and I know it sounds disgusting but what else did I have left? I inhaled deeply and then stuffed into my pillowcase on my bed quickly, feeling stupid, watching the door for Jeff coming back in & catching me! Well so far I had achieved absolutely nothing! I knew it would end up like this, I couldn't bare to part with any of it!
I put my hand back into the bag & pulled out that pair of disgusting purple & gold pants that we'd joked about so much! As I held them in my hands I smiled at the memories they brought back, happy memories. I was just about to put them into a pile for a crate when I heard Jeff's voice at the door.
"What are you gonna do with those horrible things?"
"Oh they the only thing I've been able to bring myself to put in a 'crate' pile so far!" I sighed and put the pants onto the floor. "It's not going exactly well!"
"Ah right!" he paused & then stepped over the cases to pick up the pants. He looked at them for a while & smiled, "maybe I'll keep these?"
"Sure! Oh as long as you don't actually wear them!" I laughed.
Jeff shook his head as he held the pants up at arms length, "Man!" he laughed, "he's such a freak!"
I raised my eyebrows & smiled at him! "What?" he asked, still laughing. How many times had I heard that from Matt about his brother? It made me laugh.
"Oh nothing!" I smiled.
Chapter 44
When I got downstairs Jeff & Gilbert were eating breakfast in the kitchen.
"Hey! Want some?" Jeff pointed to a plate of pancakes on the table & I pulled a face & rubbed my stomach.
"No thankyou! I thought I was gonna get away lightly with this pregnancy but 'he' has other ideas!"
"You know it's a boy?" Gilbert spoke & Jeff & I glanced at each other. It was the first time he'd shown any interest in the baby at all!
"Oh no, well not really!" I sat down beside him, "But it has to be a boy!" I smiled, "We didn't pick any girls names!"
"You were planning this?" Jeff put his cup down, "But I thought……"
"No not really! It was just, well that last night…" I paused as I remembered Matt's words, 'He I think we just made a baby!' I smiled, "Well we kinda talked about it……..a little!"
"It could have been one of each! There's twins on their mother's side!" Gilbert took another mouthful of his food.
"Yeah, so I heard!" I smiled. "Gilbert do you want to see the picture we got yesterday?"
"Oh no I don't think……." I pulled out the picture & stuck it under his nose. He swallowed hard & put down his fork. Reluctantly he took the picture from my hand, took his glasses from his top pocket & put them on as he studied the small black & white print out in his hand. I almost held my breath waiting for his reaction. I wanted him to be part of this so much!
He nodded slowly, handed me the picture back, stood up & walked out of the back door. Jeff & I Looked at each other then he stood up. I touched his arm, "Let me go!"
Jeff gave me a concerned look & then sat back down so I followed Gilbert outside. He was standing on the porch with both of his hands on the rail, staring out across the field. I touched his shoulder & he looked up at me.
"I'm sorry! I'm having a hard time with this!"
"That's ok! We all are!"
He nodded slowly. "I just can't seem to….it's too hard to think…" tears welled up in his eyes.
"I know! Believe me I'm only just coming to terms with all of this myself!" I led him to the bench & we sat down, "That night, when we had the accident, he told me he loved me!" Gilbert sighed but I wasn't going to be put off! "He asked me to marry him!" I smiled as a tear trickled down my cheek, "I loved him, I love him still, so much! You won't ever be able to know how much! I just wanted you to know that! I would give anything for him to be here right now! I'd give up my life if it meant he could have lived Gilbert!"
He took hold of my hand, "Yeah, me too!"
"What I'm trying to say is, I don't have Matt any more, I have Jeff and I need you too!" I sniffed, "This baby, your grandchild, needs you!"
"And you & Jeff?"
I sighed, "There is no me & Jeff! There's nothing going on I promise! We need each other right now & that's it! If he wasn't there for me I would have just curled up & died by now! I need him, but I love Matt, I'll always love Matt!"
Finally Gilbert took me in his arms.
**
A couple of hours later I was washing dishes at the sink when Jeff came into the kitchen, grinning like a school kid!
"What's gotten into you?"
"Oh nothin' much!" He grinned.
"So why the big dopey grin?"
"No reason!"
"Jeff you're scaring me!" I dried my hands.
"Ah it's a surprise! You'll see later!"
"Hmmm…I dunno if I like the sound of that!"
Jeff put his arms around my waist, "You will like it! I promise!"
I made us a coffee & we sat down at the table. "Jeff?"
"Yeah?"
"Can you help me out a little today? I mean if you're not too busy?"
"Sure! What do you need?"
I sighed & looked into my cup, "I was thinking, maybe I should sort out Matt's……I mean MY room but I……."
"Don't worry about it! I'll help, come on, bring your coffee!"
"But I meant later I…."
"No come on! Now you've got this into your head do it now before you change your mind!"
He took hold of my hand & together we walked upstairs. I stood in the doorway of Matt's room & looked around at all the stuff everywhere & I really didn't want to touch it!
"Where do you wanna start then?" Jeff said as he sat on the edge of the bed.
"Oh I don't know!" I sighed, "It's his stuff Jeff…………..I don't want to throw any of it away, promise me you won't get rid of it!"
"Ok I promise! We can get some crates & put it all in the attic! I think we have some in the garage actually, hang on…." He opened the window & leaned out. "DAD! DO WE HAVE ANY CRATES IN THE ARAGE?" He yelled.
"I don't know Jeff I'm busy! You will have to come & look, and stop hollerin like a lunatic!" Gilbert shouted from the yard below & I had to smile.
"Ok I won't be a minute!" He smiled as he closed the window, "You can make a start if ya want?"
"Mm….yeah I guess?"
I opened one of the closet doors as Jeff left the room. On the bottom shelf there was a bag, I dragged it out & realized it was from when we went away! God I hadn't even unpacked in 3 months! On further inspection I found our two suitcases and another bag, all of them just dumped in there & not been touched all this time! I dragged those out onto the bedroom floor aswell & sat down among them. I ran my hand over Matt's bag before my fingers found the zipper & I slowly pulled on it. I told myself I was just being stupid, after all it was just a bunch of clothes, but still my hands trembled as I opened the bag. I took a deep breath & started pulling stuff out, a towel, "Ok no biggie! I can deal with that!" I said to myself & threw it into the laundry basket. A shirt, brand new, still in the cellophane with a big 'V1' on the front. I smiled & put it to one side. "Guess we'll keep that for version 2 then huh?" I whispered to myself & although there was no one in the room with me it was as if I was talking to Matt! I found myself doing that sometimes, talking to him without even realizing I was doing it! I figured what the hell? He thought I was a fruit anyway!
The next thing out of the bag was another shirt, same as the last one only this one was screwed up into a ball with the sleeves ripped off, this one had been warn in the ring! I put it to my face without thinking & it stank, but I didn't care! It smelled like Matt did after a show, before he'd taken a shower and I know it sounds disgusting but what else did I have left? I inhaled deeply and then stuffed into my pillowcase on my bed quickly, feeling stupid, watching the door for Jeff coming back in & catching me! Well so far I had achieved absolutely nothing! I knew it would end up like this, I couldn't bare to part with any of it!
I put my hand back into the bag & pulled out that pair of disgusting purple & gold pants that we'd joked about so much! As I held them in my hands I smiled at the memories they brought back, happy memories. I was just about to put them into a pile for a crate when I heard Jeff's voice at the door.
"What are you gonna do with those horrible things?"
"Oh they the only thing I've been able to bring myself to put in a 'crate' pile so far!" I sighed and put the pants onto the floor. "It's not going exactly well!"
"Ah right!" he paused & then stepped over the cases to pick up the pants. He looked at them for a while & smiled, "maybe I'll keep these?"
"Sure! Oh as long as you don't actually wear them!" I laughed.
Jeff shook his head as he held the pants up at arms length, "Man!" he laughed, "he's such a freak!"
I raised my eyebrows & smiled at him! "What?" he asked, still laughing. How many times had I heard that from Matt about his brother? It made me laugh.
"Oh nothing!" I smiled.