Lost, Confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")
Chapter 46
A couple of hours later there had been a lot of beer consumed by the guys! Gilbert had come inside, looked Dwayne up & down & announced that he was going to stay over at his brother's for the night, so the house was our own! I was sitting on one of the chairs with Jeff lounging at my feet, the rest of the guys were slumped on the floor with the exception of Jay who had claimed the sofa. As more beers were handed around I refused, again!
"Go on Bec! Have a beer!" Adam waved the bottle in my face.
"Yeah Bec we're like four up on you already! Be careful or you'll turn into Dwayne!" Jay laughed & Dwayne reached over & slapped his leg!
"Oh no really I um….don't feel much like drinking today!" I smiled awkwardly.
"Awwww go on!" Shane pleaded, "It's much more fun to BE an asshole than to watch a bunch of them!"
"Seriously guys I can't really!"
"Killjoy!" Adam scoffed & pouted.
"Go on Bec, one won't kill you!" Shane commented. Jeff looked at me and raised his eyebrows.
"Ok I can't really…because, I'm…um…well I'm pregnant!"
Their faces dropped & everyone went quiet & suddenly found their feet very interesting. I looked from one of them to the other but no one spoke until Shannon got up from the floor & kissed me on the cheek.
"That's really….amazing! Congratulations!" he squeezed my hand & smiled.
"Thanks Shannon!" I smiled back.
"Yeah Bec! That's um great!" Adam kissed my cheek, "Sorry about trying to force alcohol down your neck!"
"That's ok! Thanks Adam! Does anyone want any food?" I stood up.
"Great news sweetheart!" Shane kissed my cheek & gave me a hug.
"Thanks Shane!"
"Yeah it's great!" Jay hauled his ass off the sofa & gave me a quick kiss, "You're not sick or anything though? Cause man when Kurt's wife was pregnant man did she hurl! You remember?" He said to the guys & they all silently nodded.
"No I'm not sick!" I smiled, "Well sometimes I feel like shit but I'm not sick!" Still there was an uncomfortable silence in the room. "So does anyone want to eat?" They all just looked at each other.
"Yeah sit down! I'll get it!" Jeff stood up.
"No really I don't mind!" I headed for the door, "Pizza ok for everyone?" They all grunted & nodded before I left the room. Once in the kitchen I stood with both hands on the counter & sighed.
"Talk about show stopper!" I turned to see Dwayne had followed me in.
"Yeah kinda killed the party huh?"
"Don't worry about them! Couple more beers they'll be right!" Dwayne smiled, "So how do you feel about it?"
I shook my head, "I dunno, confused I guess!" I shrugged my shoulders, "It's early days, I'm still kina getting used to it really!"
"Is that why Jeff had me call you the other week?"
"Yeah. I didn't want to tell anyone though, not before I'd seen a doctor y'know?"
He nodded, "Sure!"
I opened the freezer & pulled out two huge pizza's & put them on the counter. Dwayne must have sensed something, I don't know how he knew but he turned me to face him & took me in his arms just as I burst into tears.
"I guess this wasn't planned then?" he asked as I sobbed into his chest & I shook my head. "Oh honey come on it'll be ok!"
I sniffed, "If one more person tells me it's gonna be ok I'll scream!"
Dwayne laughed, "Ok I'm sorry!"
"No it's me! I just can't see it being ok! Just when I think it's getting a little easier to deal with I hear a song or I see the look in someone's eyes & I feel like I'm right back to square one again!"
"Aww sweetheart! Matt wouldn't want to see you like this! Come on!" he stroked my hair.
"I know but I just can't help it!" I sniffed, "Y'know the last thing he said to me was 'don't cry' and yet I feel like I've done nothing BUT cry for 3 months! I'm trying so hard to keep it together Dwayne but I can't!"
"Yes you can! You've got people here that love you! Jeff, Gilbert, all the guys in there & me! We're all here for you ok?" he held me at arms length & looked into my eyes, "Ok?" he said again & I nodded, "We'll get you through this!" he pulled me close & held me again as a new wave of tears overcame me.
***
Dwayne had been right & a couple of hours later the guys were back to being their usual idiotic selves!! I would have liked to have joined them but I had to be responsible now! They were gonna leave but Jeff persuaded them to stay the night & got some weird looks when he said his room was free! As we heaped all the bags on the floor from the bed in my room Jeff tripped and landed in a heap.
"You have had a little bit too much to drink I reckon!" I laughed & held out my hand to help him up. He struggled to his feet & threw his arms around my neck almost knocking me onto my ass! I half carried him over to the bed & sat him down. 'Jeff what do you think they all thought when you told them you were sleeping in here?"
"I don't know & I don't care! Let them think whatever the hell they like!" he waved his arms in the air drunkenly, "It doesn't matter!"
"It matters to me!" I sighed & sat down beside him, "I don't want them to think like your dad!"
"Hey don't worry about it! I'm sure they don't think there's anything going on, they're not like that anyway!"
I helped him get his boots off & he took off his shirt & rolled into bed. I snuggled up beside him & it wasn't long until he was snoring! I studied his face in the moonlight that shone through my open curtains. He didn't resemble Matt in any way at all, not his features or his mannerisms & if you didn't know they were brothers you probably wouldn't even believe they were distant cousins! The only thing that did remind me of Matt, but only slightly, was his voice! Sometimes, I just liked to listen to him talking, I loved the North Carolina accent anyway but I think it was because certain words that he said, just the odd one or two, sounded exactly like Matt!
They say things happen for a reason & that fate has our cards lined up from the day we are born, but for the life of me I could find no reasoning for losing Matt! There was no reason for my baby to never know his father! If there was a God he could kiss my ass! I rubbed my eyes & Jeff stirred.
"You awake?" he said sleepily.
"Yeah. I'm not all that tired really. I might go and get a hot drink in a minute! Sorry if I woke you up!"
"'It's ok!" he yawned & rubbed his head, "Man I drank way too much!" How long have I been asleep?"
I looked at the clock, "About half an hour why?"
"Because I feel half drunk & half hung over! It doesn't make a good combination!"
"Awww!" I patted his cheek, "Well that's all the sympathy you're getting from me!"
"Oh thanks! I'm ill! You have to look after me!"
"Self inflicted doesn't count!" I giggled.
Jeff groaned. "Yeah yeah! Anyway did you have fun tonight?"
"Yeah, I haven't laughed that much in a long time! Thankyou for getting them here! It was just what I needed!"
I went to give him a quick peck on the mouth, but once our lips touched he put a hand on the back of my neck & held me there & I didn't put up any resistance. Neither of us opened our mouths at all but we kissed like that for several minutes before I finally stopped him. I felt so damn guilty! I was betraying Matt, cheating on him with his own brother & I felt like such a bitch and yet at the same time I found it hard to stop him as well!
"I can't do this I'm sorry!" I whispered.
Jeff looked away from my eyes, "I know!" he took a deep breath, "I couldn't help myself! I'm sorry!"
"It's ok really! It's not your fault! I just feel so…..so……"
"Guilty?" Jeff lay back onto the pillow & sighed.
"Yeah, guilty!"
"Me too!" he nodded, "Ah I've just had too many beers! Ignore me!" he smiled & held out his arm, "Come here!" I lay my head on his shoulder & he folded his arms around me & kissed the top of my head. "I'm sorry Bec!"
"Forget about it! It's ok!"
"Bec?"
"Yeah?"
"Have I told you I love you today?"
I smiled, "Yeah you have!"
"Can I tell you again?" I squeezed my eyes shut & bit on my lip. "You awake?" I didn't answer him, I just let him think I was asleep.
Chapter 46
A couple of hours later there had been a lot of beer consumed by the guys! Gilbert had come inside, looked Dwayne up & down & announced that he was going to stay over at his brother's for the night, so the house was our own! I was sitting on one of the chairs with Jeff lounging at my feet, the rest of the guys were slumped on the floor with the exception of Jay who had claimed the sofa. As more beers were handed around I refused, again!
"Go on Bec! Have a beer!" Adam waved the bottle in my face.
"Yeah Bec we're like four up on you already! Be careful or you'll turn into Dwayne!" Jay laughed & Dwayne reached over & slapped his leg!
"Oh no really I um….don't feel much like drinking today!" I smiled awkwardly.
"Awwww go on!" Shane pleaded, "It's much more fun to BE an asshole than to watch a bunch of them!"
"Seriously guys I can't really!"
"Killjoy!" Adam scoffed & pouted.
"Go on Bec, one won't kill you!" Shane commented. Jeff looked at me and raised his eyebrows.
"Ok I can't really…because, I'm…um…well I'm pregnant!"
Their faces dropped & everyone went quiet & suddenly found their feet very interesting. I looked from one of them to the other but no one spoke until Shannon got up from the floor & kissed me on the cheek.
"That's really….amazing! Congratulations!" he squeezed my hand & smiled.
"Thanks Shannon!" I smiled back.
"Yeah Bec! That's um great!" Adam kissed my cheek, "Sorry about trying to force alcohol down your neck!"
"That's ok! Thanks Adam! Does anyone want any food?" I stood up.
"Great news sweetheart!" Shane kissed my cheek & gave me a hug.
"Thanks Shane!"
"Yeah it's great!" Jay hauled his ass off the sofa & gave me a quick kiss, "You're not sick or anything though? Cause man when Kurt's wife was pregnant man did she hurl! You remember?" He said to the guys & they all silently nodded.
"No I'm not sick!" I smiled, "Well sometimes I feel like shit but I'm not sick!" Still there was an uncomfortable silence in the room. "So does anyone want to eat?" They all just looked at each other.
"Yeah sit down! I'll get it!" Jeff stood up.
"No really I don't mind!" I headed for the door, "Pizza ok for everyone?" They all grunted & nodded before I left the room. Once in the kitchen I stood with both hands on the counter & sighed.
"Talk about show stopper!" I turned to see Dwayne had followed me in.
"Yeah kinda killed the party huh?"
"Don't worry about them! Couple more beers they'll be right!" Dwayne smiled, "So how do you feel about it?"
I shook my head, "I dunno, confused I guess!" I shrugged my shoulders, "It's early days, I'm still kina getting used to it really!"
"Is that why Jeff had me call you the other week?"
"Yeah. I didn't want to tell anyone though, not before I'd seen a doctor y'know?"
He nodded, "Sure!"
I opened the freezer & pulled out two huge pizza's & put them on the counter. Dwayne must have sensed something, I don't know how he knew but he turned me to face him & took me in his arms just as I burst into tears.
"I guess this wasn't planned then?" he asked as I sobbed into his chest & I shook my head. "Oh honey come on it'll be ok!"
I sniffed, "If one more person tells me it's gonna be ok I'll scream!"
Dwayne laughed, "Ok I'm sorry!"
"No it's me! I just can't see it being ok! Just when I think it's getting a little easier to deal with I hear a song or I see the look in someone's eyes & I feel like I'm right back to square one again!"
"Aww sweetheart! Matt wouldn't want to see you like this! Come on!" he stroked my hair.
"I know but I just can't help it!" I sniffed, "Y'know the last thing he said to me was 'don't cry' and yet I feel like I've done nothing BUT cry for 3 months! I'm trying so hard to keep it together Dwayne but I can't!"
"Yes you can! You've got people here that love you! Jeff, Gilbert, all the guys in there & me! We're all here for you ok?" he held me at arms length & looked into my eyes, "Ok?" he said again & I nodded, "We'll get you through this!" he pulled me close & held me again as a new wave of tears overcame me.
***
Dwayne had been right & a couple of hours later the guys were back to being their usual idiotic selves!! I would have liked to have joined them but I had to be responsible now! They were gonna leave but Jeff persuaded them to stay the night & got some weird looks when he said his room was free! As we heaped all the bags on the floor from the bed in my room Jeff tripped and landed in a heap.
"You have had a little bit too much to drink I reckon!" I laughed & held out my hand to help him up. He struggled to his feet & threw his arms around my neck almost knocking me onto my ass! I half carried him over to the bed & sat him down. 'Jeff what do you think they all thought when you told them you were sleeping in here?"
"I don't know & I don't care! Let them think whatever the hell they like!" he waved his arms in the air drunkenly, "It doesn't matter!"
"It matters to me!" I sighed & sat down beside him, "I don't want them to think like your dad!"
"Hey don't worry about it! I'm sure they don't think there's anything going on, they're not like that anyway!"
I helped him get his boots off & he took off his shirt & rolled into bed. I snuggled up beside him & it wasn't long until he was snoring! I studied his face in the moonlight that shone through my open curtains. He didn't resemble Matt in any way at all, not his features or his mannerisms & if you didn't know they were brothers you probably wouldn't even believe they were distant cousins! The only thing that did remind me of Matt, but only slightly, was his voice! Sometimes, I just liked to listen to him talking, I loved the North Carolina accent anyway but I think it was because certain words that he said, just the odd one or two, sounded exactly like Matt!
They say things happen for a reason & that fate has our cards lined up from the day we are born, but for the life of me I could find no reasoning for losing Matt! There was no reason for my baby to never know his father! If there was a God he could kiss my ass! I rubbed my eyes & Jeff stirred.
"You awake?" he said sleepily.
"Yeah. I'm not all that tired really. I might go and get a hot drink in a minute! Sorry if I woke you up!"
"'It's ok!" he yawned & rubbed his head, "Man I drank way too much!" How long have I been asleep?"
I looked at the clock, "About half an hour why?"
"Because I feel half drunk & half hung over! It doesn't make a good combination!"
"Awww!" I patted his cheek, "Well that's all the sympathy you're getting from me!"
"Oh thanks! I'm ill! You have to look after me!"
"Self inflicted doesn't count!" I giggled.
Jeff groaned. "Yeah yeah! Anyway did you have fun tonight?"
"Yeah, I haven't laughed that much in a long time! Thankyou for getting them here! It was just what I needed!"
I went to give him a quick peck on the mouth, but once our lips touched he put a hand on the back of my neck & held me there & I didn't put up any resistance. Neither of us opened our mouths at all but we kissed like that for several minutes before I finally stopped him. I felt so damn guilty! I was betraying Matt, cheating on him with his own brother & I felt like such a bitch and yet at the same time I found it hard to stop him as well!
"I can't do this I'm sorry!" I whispered.
Jeff looked away from my eyes, "I know!" he took a deep breath, "I couldn't help myself! I'm sorry!"
"It's ok really! It's not your fault! I just feel so…..so……"
"Guilty?" Jeff lay back onto the pillow & sighed.
"Yeah, guilty!"
"Me too!" he nodded, "Ah I've just had too many beers! Ignore me!" he smiled & held out his arm, "Come here!" I lay my head on his shoulder & he folded his arms around me & kissed the top of my head. "I'm sorry Bec!"
"Forget about it! It's ok!"
"Bec?"
"Yeah?"
"Have I told you I love you today?"
I smiled, "Yeah you have!"
"Can I tell you again?" I squeezed my eyes shut & bit on my lip. "You awake?" I didn't answer him, I just let him think I was asleep.