Lost, Confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")
Chapter 49
When we eventually parted we looked into each other's eyes for a moment & then it hit me! What the hell had I been thinking? Tears welled up in my eyes & as I blinked one rolled down my cheek.
"That shouldn't have happened!" I said & wiped my face.
"Why not?"
"Because…..because it's not right!"
"You're telling me that didn't feel right to you?" Jeff asked & I took a step backwards, "Well?"
"Well….well…..Matt…."
"Matt's not here Bec!" Jeff said quietly. "Look I tried so hard, I didn't want to fall in love with my brother's girlfriend but I couldn't help it! It broke my heart to admit it to Matt in the hospital…" he looked down at his feet, "I'm sorry! I can't help the way I feel. I love you!"
"Jeff I…"
"You're home!" Gilbert said as he walked in the back door. I quickly wiped my face & turned my back to making the coffee. "How long have you been back?"
"Oh….erm….not……not long!" Jeff forced a smile at his dad!
"Is there a coffee going spare?"
"Sure Gilbert!" I took another cup from the shelf as he sat down at the table. Jeff leaned on the counter & put his hands in his pockets.
"Good show on Monday!" Gilbert smiled.
"Um yeah! It went ok…..I guess."
I put Gilbert's coffee down infront of him & picked up my cup.
"I'm just erm…..going outside with this." I walked past Jeff & out of the back door. Once outside I felt like I could breathe again! How close had Gilbert come to walking in on that mess? It couldn't bare to think about it! I sat down on the bench & stared into my cup. I didn't know what to do, but I couldn't fall in love with Jeff, not now, not ever! I couldn't risk Mick coming back and I was sure he would, but I still loved Matt with all my heart & it felt like I missed him more every day. It would be so easy to fall in love with Jeff, he was such a great guy, but I could never love him the way he claimed to love me & it wouldn't be fair on him. I came to the conclusion that I had to let him go. No more sleeping in the same bed & no more relying on him for everything. I'd given him the wrong impression & I knew I was doing so but I couldn't help it! Maybe if I kept my distance he would find someone else? Maybe the best thing for both of us would be if I went back home, to England? Tears dripped off my face as the thought entered my mind. Would I really have the strength to do this?
"Hey!" Jeff came outside & sat down beside me, "Are you ok?"
"Not really!" I sniffed & wiped my face. "I've…….I've been thinking about…" I took a deep breath, "Maybe I should go home?"
Jeff stared at me, "Back to England?" I nodded, "But why?"
"I'm erm home sick!" I lied.
"Oh so you mean for like a kind of a holiday?"
"No, I mean for good Jeff."
"No Bec please don't do that! I'm sorry about what happened in there! I didn't mean it just forget I said anything!"
I smiled, "I know you did mean it! And…" I took a deep breath & turned to him, "I do love you Jeff!" I touched his face, "But I can't love you like I love Matt!"
"That doesn't matter!"
"Yes it does!" I smiled, "You're worth so much more than that!"
"I'm not! Don't say that!"
"Listen to me please!" he sighed & took hold of my hands, "Every time I kissed you I'd be thinking of Matt! Every time you touched me I'd be wishing it was Matt! You can't live like that & neither can I! It's not fair on either of us!"
"But you can't go back to England!"
I touched his chin & lifted his face, "I have to Jeff! We can't go on like this!"
"No we can work it out! I'll keep my distance! Just don't go!"
He leaned in & kissed my lips & I let him. He touched my cheek lightly with his fingertips as his tongue gently met mine. He was right, it did feel so natural but I knew it was wrong! Even so I didn't want it to end & we stayed, locked together for several minutes.
"That felt like goodbye!" he whispered as he held me in his arms.
"It was!" Tears streamed down my cheeks. God I was going to miss him so much, but there was no other way that I could see! I eventually let go of him & stood up. "I'm gonna go & pack."
"Want me to call the airport?"
"Would you mind?" I wiped my face.
"No it's the least I can do." He sniffed & wiped his eyes on his sleeve.
As I reached for the door handle I felt a searing pain in my stomach & I bent over. "OW!"
Jeff jumped up, "What's wrong? What is it?" He put his arms around me.
"I don't know…AH SHIT!" I clutched at my stomach.
"The baby?"
"I don't know! It's too early Jeff!" I started to cry again, 'please God don't let me lose this baby!' I thought to myself.
"Ok it's alright! Calm down! DAAAAAD!" he yelled, "DAAAAAAD!!!"
Gilbert opened the door, "Where's the fire? Oh God girl are you alright?"
"Dad I need to get her to the hospital!"
"AHHHHH! HOLY SHIT!" The pain in my stomach got more intense & I fell to my knees on the porch.
"Oh erm I'm coming with you!" Gilbert ran back inside & then came out, throwing Jeff his car keys & locking the back door.
"Can you walk?" he asked as he knelt beside me rubbing my back.
"I don't know! Jesus It hurts!"
"Ok!" I suddenly found myself being lifted off the ground as Jeff carried me down the steps towards the car.
He did the same when we got to the hospital, lifted me out of the back seat and ran with me in his arms into reception. A couple of nurses ran out shouting for a bed and one was wheeled down the corridor. Once on the bed I heard the nurse saying, "How many weeks is she?"
"She's erm….28 weeks, almost 29!" Jeff said as he followed the bed. I saw the nurses glance at one another, is was as if they were saying, 'Ok she's fucked then!' and I burst into tears. I closed my eyes & begged for this not to be happening as another pain tore through my stomach causing me to cry out. They wheeled me into a room & immediately hooked me up to various monitors. I held my breath when they couldn't find the baby's heart beat.
"Lie as still as you can! We'll find it!" One of the nurses soothed me. I had another pain & I sat bolt upright in the bed. "Don't push!" she yelled at me. "Are you the father?" She shouted at Jeff.
"N…no I'm …."
"It doesn't matter just talk to her! Try to calm her down while we check the baby over!"
Jeff sat on the side of the bed & stroked my cheek. "Come on! It'll be ok!" he squeezed my hand but I could feel his hands were shaking.
"I'm sorry!" I sobbed, "I'm so sorry!"
Chapter 49
When we eventually parted we looked into each other's eyes for a moment & then it hit me! What the hell had I been thinking? Tears welled up in my eyes & as I blinked one rolled down my cheek.
"That shouldn't have happened!" I said & wiped my face.
"Why not?"
"Because…..because it's not right!"
"You're telling me that didn't feel right to you?" Jeff asked & I took a step backwards, "Well?"
"Well….well…..Matt…."
"Matt's not here Bec!" Jeff said quietly. "Look I tried so hard, I didn't want to fall in love with my brother's girlfriend but I couldn't help it! It broke my heart to admit it to Matt in the hospital…" he looked down at his feet, "I'm sorry! I can't help the way I feel. I love you!"
"Jeff I…"
"You're home!" Gilbert said as he walked in the back door. I quickly wiped my face & turned my back to making the coffee. "How long have you been back?"
"Oh….erm….not……not long!" Jeff forced a smile at his dad!
"Is there a coffee going spare?"
"Sure Gilbert!" I took another cup from the shelf as he sat down at the table. Jeff leaned on the counter & put his hands in his pockets.
"Good show on Monday!" Gilbert smiled.
"Um yeah! It went ok…..I guess."
I put Gilbert's coffee down infront of him & picked up my cup.
"I'm just erm…..going outside with this." I walked past Jeff & out of the back door. Once outside I felt like I could breathe again! How close had Gilbert come to walking in on that mess? It couldn't bare to think about it! I sat down on the bench & stared into my cup. I didn't know what to do, but I couldn't fall in love with Jeff, not now, not ever! I couldn't risk Mick coming back and I was sure he would, but I still loved Matt with all my heart & it felt like I missed him more every day. It would be so easy to fall in love with Jeff, he was such a great guy, but I could never love him the way he claimed to love me & it wouldn't be fair on him. I came to the conclusion that I had to let him go. No more sleeping in the same bed & no more relying on him for everything. I'd given him the wrong impression & I knew I was doing so but I couldn't help it! Maybe if I kept my distance he would find someone else? Maybe the best thing for both of us would be if I went back home, to England? Tears dripped off my face as the thought entered my mind. Would I really have the strength to do this?
"Hey!" Jeff came outside & sat down beside me, "Are you ok?"
"Not really!" I sniffed & wiped my face. "I've…….I've been thinking about…" I took a deep breath, "Maybe I should go home?"
Jeff stared at me, "Back to England?" I nodded, "But why?"
"I'm erm home sick!" I lied.
"Oh so you mean for like a kind of a holiday?"
"No, I mean for good Jeff."
"No Bec please don't do that! I'm sorry about what happened in there! I didn't mean it just forget I said anything!"
I smiled, "I know you did mean it! And…" I took a deep breath & turned to him, "I do love you Jeff!" I touched his face, "But I can't love you like I love Matt!"
"That doesn't matter!"
"Yes it does!" I smiled, "You're worth so much more than that!"
"I'm not! Don't say that!"
"Listen to me please!" he sighed & took hold of my hands, "Every time I kissed you I'd be thinking of Matt! Every time you touched me I'd be wishing it was Matt! You can't live like that & neither can I! It's not fair on either of us!"
"But you can't go back to England!"
I touched his chin & lifted his face, "I have to Jeff! We can't go on like this!"
"No we can work it out! I'll keep my distance! Just don't go!"
He leaned in & kissed my lips & I let him. He touched my cheek lightly with his fingertips as his tongue gently met mine. He was right, it did feel so natural but I knew it was wrong! Even so I didn't want it to end & we stayed, locked together for several minutes.
"That felt like goodbye!" he whispered as he held me in his arms.
"It was!" Tears streamed down my cheeks. God I was going to miss him so much, but there was no other way that I could see! I eventually let go of him & stood up. "I'm gonna go & pack."
"Want me to call the airport?"
"Would you mind?" I wiped my face.
"No it's the least I can do." He sniffed & wiped his eyes on his sleeve.
As I reached for the door handle I felt a searing pain in my stomach & I bent over. "OW!"
Jeff jumped up, "What's wrong? What is it?" He put his arms around me.
"I don't know…AH SHIT!" I clutched at my stomach.
"The baby?"
"I don't know! It's too early Jeff!" I started to cry again, 'please God don't let me lose this baby!' I thought to myself.
"Ok it's alright! Calm down! DAAAAAD!" he yelled, "DAAAAAAD!!!"
Gilbert opened the door, "Where's the fire? Oh God girl are you alright?"
"Dad I need to get her to the hospital!"
"AHHHHH! HOLY SHIT!" The pain in my stomach got more intense & I fell to my knees on the porch.
"Oh erm I'm coming with you!" Gilbert ran back inside & then came out, throwing Jeff his car keys & locking the back door.
"Can you walk?" he asked as he knelt beside me rubbing my back.
"I don't know! Jesus It hurts!"
"Ok!" I suddenly found myself being lifted off the ground as Jeff carried me down the steps towards the car.
He did the same when we got to the hospital, lifted me out of the back seat and ran with me in his arms into reception. A couple of nurses ran out shouting for a bed and one was wheeled down the corridor. Once on the bed I heard the nurse saying, "How many weeks is she?"
"She's erm….28 weeks, almost 29!" Jeff said as he followed the bed. I saw the nurses glance at one another, is was as if they were saying, 'Ok she's fucked then!' and I burst into tears. I closed my eyes & begged for this not to be happening as another pain tore through my stomach causing me to cry out. They wheeled me into a room & immediately hooked me up to various monitors. I held my breath when they couldn't find the baby's heart beat.
"Lie as still as you can! We'll find it!" One of the nurses soothed me. I had another pain & I sat bolt upright in the bed. "Don't push!" she yelled at me. "Are you the father?" She shouted at Jeff.
"N…no I'm …."
"It doesn't matter just talk to her! Try to calm her down while we check the baby over!"
Jeff sat on the side of the bed & stroked my cheek. "Come on! It'll be ok!" he squeezed my hand but I could feel his hands were shaking.
"I'm sorry!" I sobbed, "I'm so sorry!"