Lost, Confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")
Chapter 52
Later that night after everyone went home I was finally left alone with my baby! He was still in the 'Hot Box' as the nurses called it & I longed to hold him, but until his temperature was up all I could do was stare at him. I couldn't believe he was mine, it was totally amazing to think me & Matt made this tiny little person, he grew inside of me & here he was! There's no way I can describe the feeling, unless you have experienced it first hand you can never truly know!
The door opened & Sasha walked in smiling, "How are you feeling?"
"Exhausted!" I smiled, "But it was all worth it!"
"Yeah, it doesn't get any less amazing the more kids you have!"
"Oh no! Not for me! I couldn't go through that again no matter what the end result is!" I smiled & she laughed.
"That sounds familiar!"
"I'm serious!"
"Yeah so was I the first time & the second!" she winked & lifted the lid of the 'Hot Box' and checked the baby's temperature, "Oh it looks like out little baby is cooked to perfection!" she smiled, "You wanna hold?"
"Do I ever!" I sat up & she lifted the baby out & into my arms. I stared at him before I kissed his forehead.
"He's beautiful!" Sasha said, "Do you think he looks like his dad then?"
I studied his face for a moment, "I can't really tell!"
Sasha came around the bed & looked at him, "I think he looks a little like his uncle actually!"
"Now that's a scarey thought!" I laughed. "Anyway how come you're still here?"
"Double shift!" she rolled her eyes & looked at her watch. "I'm off in an hour, so I guess I'll leave you two to get acquainted!" She smiled, "If I don't see you again before I go I'll be on tomorrow morning! Take care!"
"Thanks!" She left the room & I gently rocked Jude in my arms as he slept. I tried so hard not to cry but I couldn't help it! I would have given anything to be sharing that moment with Matt! I wiped my face just as Sasha came back into the room.
"Sorry to interrupt!" she whispered, "Found someone outside just dying to come in!" she stepped aside & Jeff appeared in the doorway, "If anyone catches you in here it had nothing to do with me ok?"
"Sure! Thankyou!" he smiled & Sasha rolled her eyes before she left.
"What are you doing here? It's the middle of the night!"
"Do you mind? I couldn't sleep!" He came over & sat on the bed.
"No, I don't mind!" I smiled.
"Hey little fella!" he whispered & touched the baby's cheek. "Is he ok now?"
"Yeah, they just took him out of the warmer about 10 minutes ago!"
"And how are you feeling?"
"Tired, but, well I can't believe he's finally here!"
"Yeah he's pretty amazing huh?" Jeff smiled, "So are you!" He looked into my eyes & I looked away.
"Don't Jeff, not now!"
"Oh God no I didn't mean………well I did but….I…um…" he took a deep breath, "I'll start again!" he smiled, "What I meant was what you did today was like amazing, you did so well!"
"Oh!" I blushed, "Yeah um thankyou!"
"So, are you still going home then?" he looked up at me.
"Are you kidding me? I just spent 6 weeks with my mother & they almost had to commit me!" I laughed, "No, I'm staying. I have nothing to go back to England for! Besides, Jude will have so many more opportunities here than he would over there!"
"Oh thank God!" Jeff sighed.
"As long as…." I paused, "Well as long as you realize where we stand ok?" Jeff nodded & looked back at the baby. "I don't mean to be cruel Jeff but making you think there could ever be any more between us would be even crueler ok?"
"Yeah I know! I'm just happy you're staying!" he smiled, "Can I hold him" he held out his arms & I passed the baby to him. "Have you been to sleep yet?"
"Yeah for about half an hour! There's too much going on in here!"
"Well lie down now & I'll look after him while you get some rest!"
"You don't know the first thing about looking after babies!" I laughed, "Besides I don't think you have the ah right equipment if he needs feeding!"
"So I'll wake you up! Or maybe I'll just hook him on while you're asleep!" he winked, "Left or right?"
"Jeff!" I playfully slapped him. "Actually I was thinking maybe I'd use bottles, I don't think I'd be very comfortable getting my boobs out in front of your Dad!"
Jeff laughed, "I'm sure Dad would just make himself scarse at feeding times!" He looked down at Jude again, "Dad actually surprised me today, y'know holding Jude n' stuff!"
"Yeah me too! I think maybe it's too painful for him Jeff. He misses Matt so much & I guess this is just another reminder that he's not here!"
"Yeah I guess! How have you been?"
I bit my lip, "Ah y'know up & down!" Tears welled up in my eyes & Jeff put the baby back into his crib. "I'm fine one minute then…" he wrapped his arms around me & held me tightly. "Then I'm in tears the next!" I said over his shoulder as my tears fell again. "It's hard! I'm so happy that Jude is here & he's ok but Matt should be here too!" I sniffed.
"I know!" Jeff ran his hands up & down my back, "I feel the same myself. Bec, I would give anything to have him here right now, I just wanted you to know! I want him back too!" Jeff sniffed & I realized he was crying too. God this was so hard!
Sasha poked her head around the door, "Oh I'm sorry to interrupt! I'm off now!" I let go of Jeff, "Just wanted to say bye! I'll see you tomorrow!"
"Yeah, thanks! See you tomorrow!"
"Oh and remember I don't know you're here Jeff ok?" she pointed at Jeff & he wiped his face & nodded. "Five minutes then make a run for it!" he nodded again & she left.
"Jeff?"
"Yeah?"
"I was thinking about a middle name for Jude!"
"Sure! What have you got in mind?"
I paused & bit on my lip, "How would you feel about Matthew?"
Jeff smiled as another tear ran down his cheek, "I think Matthew is a great name!"
"What about your Dad? I don't want to upset him!"
"I think Dad will be ok on this one believe me!" He hugged me again.
"What am I gonna do Jeff?" I sighed, "How the hell am I meant to do this?"
"It's gonna be ok!" he lay his head down beside me & shuffled onto the bed. We didn't wake up until the next morning.
Chapter 52
Later that night after everyone went home I was finally left alone with my baby! He was still in the 'Hot Box' as the nurses called it & I longed to hold him, but until his temperature was up all I could do was stare at him. I couldn't believe he was mine, it was totally amazing to think me & Matt made this tiny little person, he grew inside of me & here he was! There's no way I can describe the feeling, unless you have experienced it first hand you can never truly know!
The door opened & Sasha walked in smiling, "How are you feeling?"
"Exhausted!" I smiled, "But it was all worth it!"
"Yeah, it doesn't get any less amazing the more kids you have!"
"Oh no! Not for me! I couldn't go through that again no matter what the end result is!" I smiled & she laughed.
"That sounds familiar!"
"I'm serious!"
"Yeah so was I the first time & the second!" she winked & lifted the lid of the 'Hot Box' and checked the baby's temperature, "Oh it looks like out little baby is cooked to perfection!" she smiled, "You wanna hold?"
"Do I ever!" I sat up & she lifted the baby out & into my arms. I stared at him before I kissed his forehead.
"He's beautiful!" Sasha said, "Do you think he looks like his dad then?"
I studied his face for a moment, "I can't really tell!"
Sasha came around the bed & looked at him, "I think he looks a little like his uncle actually!"
"Now that's a scarey thought!" I laughed. "Anyway how come you're still here?"
"Double shift!" she rolled her eyes & looked at her watch. "I'm off in an hour, so I guess I'll leave you two to get acquainted!" She smiled, "If I don't see you again before I go I'll be on tomorrow morning! Take care!"
"Thanks!" She left the room & I gently rocked Jude in my arms as he slept. I tried so hard not to cry but I couldn't help it! I would have given anything to be sharing that moment with Matt! I wiped my face just as Sasha came back into the room.
"Sorry to interrupt!" she whispered, "Found someone outside just dying to come in!" she stepped aside & Jeff appeared in the doorway, "If anyone catches you in here it had nothing to do with me ok?"
"Sure! Thankyou!" he smiled & Sasha rolled her eyes before she left.
"What are you doing here? It's the middle of the night!"
"Do you mind? I couldn't sleep!" He came over & sat on the bed.
"No, I don't mind!" I smiled.
"Hey little fella!" he whispered & touched the baby's cheek. "Is he ok now?"
"Yeah, they just took him out of the warmer about 10 minutes ago!"
"And how are you feeling?"
"Tired, but, well I can't believe he's finally here!"
"Yeah he's pretty amazing huh?" Jeff smiled, "So are you!" He looked into my eyes & I looked away.
"Don't Jeff, not now!"
"Oh God no I didn't mean………well I did but….I…um…" he took a deep breath, "I'll start again!" he smiled, "What I meant was what you did today was like amazing, you did so well!"
"Oh!" I blushed, "Yeah um thankyou!"
"So, are you still going home then?" he looked up at me.
"Are you kidding me? I just spent 6 weeks with my mother & they almost had to commit me!" I laughed, "No, I'm staying. I have nothing to go back to England for! Besides, Jude will have so many more opportunities here than he would over there!"
"Oh thank God!" Jeff sighed.
"As long as…." I paused, "Well as long as you realize where we stand ok?" Jeff nodded & looked back at the baby. "I don't mean to be cruel Jeff but making you think there could ever be any more between us would be even crueler ok?"
"Yeah I know! I'm just happy you're staying!" he smiled, "Can I hold him" he held out his arms & I passed the baby to him. "Have you been to sleep yet?"
"Yeah for about half an hour! There's too much going on in here!"
"Well lie down now & I'll look after him while you get some rest!"
"You don't know the first thing about looking after babies!" I laughed, "Besides I don't think you have the ah right equipment if he needs feeding!"
"So I'll wake you up! Or maybe I'll just hook him on while you're asleep!" he winked, "Left or right?"
"Jeff!" I playfully slapped him. "Actually I was thinking maybe I'd use bottles, I don't think I'd be very comfortable getting my boobs out in front of your Dad!"
Jeff laughed, "I'm sure Dad would just make himself scarse at feeding times!" He looked down at Jude again, "Dad actually surprised me today, y'know holding Jude n' stuff!"
"Yeah me too! I think maybe it's too painful for him Jeff. He misses Matt so much & I guess this is just another reminder that he's not here!"
"Yeah I guess! How have you been?"
I bit my lip, "Ah y'know up & down!" Tears welled up in my eyes & Jeff put the baby back into his crib. "I'm fine one minute then…" he wrapped his arms around me & held me tightly. "Then I'm in tears the next!" I said over his shoulder as my tears fell again. "It's hard! I'm so happy that Jude is here & he's ok but Matt should be here too!" I sniffed.
"I know!" Jeff ran his hands up & down my back, "I feel the same myself. Bec, I would give anything to have him here right now, I just wanted you to know! I want him back too!" Jeff sniffed & I realized he was crying too. God this was so hard!
Sasha poked her head around the door, "Oh I'm sorry to interrupt! I'm off now!" I let go of Jeff, "Just wanted to say bye! I'll see you tomorrow!"
"Yeah, thanks! See you tomorrow!"
"Oh and remember I don't know you're here Jeff ok?" she pointed at Jeff & he wiped his face & nodded. "Five minutes then make a run for it!" he nodded again & she left.
"Jeff?"
"Yeah?"
"I was thinking about a middle name for Jude!"
"Sure! What have you got in mind?"
I paused & bit on my lip, "How would you feel about Matthew?"
Jeff smiled as another tear ran down his cheek, "I think Matthew is a great name!"
"What about your Dad? I don't want to upset him!"
"I think Dad will be ok on this one believe me!" He hugged me again.
"What am I gonna do Jeff?" I sighed, "How the hell am I meant to do this?"
"It's gonna be ok!" he lay his head down beside me & shuffled onto the bed. We didn't wake up until the next morning.