Lost, Confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")
Chapter 53
When I woke up I was wrapped in Jeff's arms & I didn't wanna move! Jude was still asleep, wrapped up in his blanket. I'd only fed him once, not long after he was born & I was a little concerned that he'd slept for so long without a feed!
"What is he still doing here?" Sasha giggled as she walked in the door. "My ass will be mincemeat if anyone catches him!"
"Jeff!" I shook him & he stirred, "You have to go!"
He sat up & rubbed his eyes, "Shit! I'm sorry I just fell asleep!"
"Yeah well, come on out before the doctor does his rounds!" Sasha said as she checked Jude's temperature again.
"Ok I'm gone!" Jeff ruffled his hair then kissed me on the cheek, "See ya later!" he smiled then gave Jude a quick kiss before sneaking out of the door.
"He's persistant I'll give him that!" Sasha smiled, "Baby's temp is fine, you'll be able to go home in a few days!"
"A few days?" I whined.
"Yeah well he is 5 weeks early into this world, give the little guy a chance will you!" Sasha winked.
"I know! I just can't wait to get home!"
"And where is home? Are you still going back to England?"
"No I don't think so! I think I'll stay in NC, for now anyway! Funny how having a baby changes all your priorities!" I smiled. "Oh he hasn't fed since yesterday & I was a little concerned, shouldn't he have been crying by now?"
"Well he is early, I'd say the way he's curled up in there he still thinks he's in your tummy! Give him time, I'm sure he'll hollar when he's hungry!" she pulled the blanket up around him, "So how are you feeling today? Did you get much sleep?"
"Yeah a few hours! I feel a lot better!"
"Jeff's a nice guy!"
"Oh erm yeah he is!"
Sasha smiled, "He seems to look after you!"
"Yeah well that's what Matt wanted, but…." I paused.
"But?" She sat on the bed & put a cuff on my arm to take my blood pressure.
"Ah nothing!"
"I think he's taken a bit of a shine to you! Is that the 'but'?" She smiled.
"Do all nurses have psychic powers?" I smiled.
"Only the good ones!" she winked.
"Yeah well I guess that's the 'but'!"
"So how do you feel about that?"
"I dunno, it's too soon!"
"Oh I see!"
"You see what?"
"Blood pressure's ok!" She took the cuff from my arm, "Well the old 'it's too soon' excuse!" She smiled, "It's like you feel guilty, like you're betraying Matt am I right?" I nodded, "Well give it time!"
"Are you on overtime or what?" I laughed.
"No, but I moonlight as an agony aunt!" she laughed, "Seriously, the lady in curtain 4 caught her husband at it with the nanny!"
"No shit?"
"Yeah, shocking huh? And the lady in 1 doesn't even know who the father of her baby is! She's waiting to see what colour it comes out!"
"Ok! Ok! Very funny!" I laughed.
"Well it got you to smile!"
"Ever thought of getting a job on Springer?"
"So have you guys talked about it?"
"You're not gonna let up are you?"
"Are you kidding? I'm missing my day time soaps here! I need something to fill the void that 'The Young & The restless' has left behind!" She winked & I shook my head & smiled.
"Nah we've not really talked about it much!"
"Well do you want my opinion? It's free of charge & you can take it or leave it!" she smiled.
"Go on then!" I rolled my eyes but secretly I did want her opinion! She'd been through a similar situation herself & I wanted to know how she delt with it as I had no clue!
"Well," she started to fuss with my sheets, tucking them in at the bottom of my bed as she spoke, "From what I can see the guy is head over heels for you and…" she smoothed the blanket & sat down, "I know that right now it's too soon for you, but will it ever be not too soon?" She raised her eyebrows & I looked away, "It's obviously not a one way thing goin on here either is it?"
"What do you mean?"
Sasha smiled, "Well I mean I think your head is telling you it's too soon, but maybe other parts of your body have other ideas!" She laughed.
"Oh no! Well….."
"Hey look I said you could take it or leave it!" She laughed again, "I just reckon it's a waste that's all!"
"What is?"
She sighed, "Ok I'm gonna stick my neck out here, what I'm trying to say is forget about up here for a while…" she tapped her temple with her index finger, "I know it's hard to move on, God knows I tortured myself for months! I felt guilty, I was worried what everyone was gonna think and I didn't think I would or could love anyone else!"
"I can't love anyone else!"
"But you can! Unless I'm totally off the map here I'd say that you already do!" she smiled, "Take everything else out of the equation ok? Take all of it away & then how do you feel about Jeff?"
I looked over at Jude who was stirring & I shrugged my shoulders, "I dunno?"
"I think you do!" she smiled & stood up, "So, are you still needing some baby milk or….."
"Yeah please! I just don't feel comfortable breast feeding! God I feel like a bad mother already!"
"Don't be silly! I'll go & get you some bottles, looks like the little fella is hungry!" she went to the door.
"I love him!" I said quietly & she nodded, "You're right, I love him, but I can't love him the way I love Matt!"
"Not now you can't, but maybe it'll happen! You might just wake up one day, look at Jeff & think 'Holy Shit! This guy is amazing!'" she laughed, "I'll be back in a tick!" She left to get the bottles.
I stared at the baby, his little arms were waving around but he still wasn't crying, his eyes weren't even open! Sasha was right though, I could quite easily fall in love with Jeff if I let it happen! But how the hell was I meant to take Matt out of the equation? After 8 months without him I still loved him with all my heart. Probably more so since the baby was born! I didn't want that feeling to go away, I didn't want to move on & forget about Matt! I never wanted to stop loving him, not now, not ever! Tears welled up in my eyes as I lay my head back onto the pillow & let them roll down my face.
"Ok I've got the….." Sasha stopped when she saw me crying, "Oh man! I'm sorry! I didn't mean to upset you!" She put the bottles down on top of the little locker, "me & my big mouth! I'm just gonna shut up! From now on I'll keep my nose out!" She sat on the bed, "Just forget about what I said before! It's different for everyone!"
I sniffed, "It's not you! Just, well I cry a lot these days!" I smiled through my tears as I sat up. "Y'know the last thing Matt said to me was 'I'm always making you cry!' well, he made me cry a hell of a lot less when he was here!"
"Yeah I know! Believe me I've been there!"
"There's more to it than guilt Sasha!" I paused & sighed, "See I had problems with my ex….he…….well he was a fucking lunatic putting it mildly!" I wiped my face, "And, he came back because I was in love with Matt! He wanted to hurt him,' I paused again, how could I explain this without sounding like a fruit loop? "Well he DID hurt Matt, and I'm so scared that…if………if I fall in love with Jeff he'll come back for him I know he will!" I started to sob, "I can't let that happen! I can't let him hurt Jeff!
Chapter 53
When I woke up I was wrapped in Jeff's arms & I didn't wanna move! Jude was still asleep, wrapped up in his blanket. I'd only fed him once, not long after he was born & I was a little concerned that he'd slept for so long without a feed!
"What is he still doing here?" Sasha giggled as she walked in the door. "My ass will be mincemeat if anyone catches him!"
"Jeff!" I shook him & he stirred, "You have to go!"
He sat up & rubbed his eyes, "Shit! I'm sorry I just fell asleep!"
"Yeah well, come on out before the doctor does his rounds!" Sasha said as she checked Jude's temperature again.
"Ok I'm gone!" Jeff ruffled his hair then kissed me on the cheek, "See ya later!" he smiled then gave Jude a quick kiss before sneaking out of the door.
"He's persistant I'll give him that!" Sasha smiled, "Baby's temp is fine, you'll be able to go home in a few days!"
"A few days?" I whined.
"Yeah well he is 5 weeks early into this world, give the little guy a chance will you!" Sasha winked.
"I know! I just can't wait to get home!"
"And where is home? Are you still going back to England?"
"No I don't think so! I think I'll stay in NC, for now anyway! Funny how having a baby changes all your priorities!" I smiled. "Oh he hasn't fed since yesterday & I was a little concerned, shouldn't he have been crying by now?"
"Well he is early, I'd say the way he's curled up in there he still thinks he's in your tummy! Give him time, I'm sure he'll hollar when he's hungry!" she pulled the blanket up around him, "So how are you feeling today? Did you get much sleep?"
"Yeah a few hours! I feel a lot better!"
"Jeff's a nice guy!"
"Oh erm yeah he is!"
Sasha smiled, "He seems to look after you!"
"Yeah well that's what Matt wanted, but…." I paused.
"But?" She sat on the bed & put a cuff on my arm to take my blood pressure.
"Ah nothing!"
"I think he's taken a bit of a shine to you! Is that the 'but'?" She smiled.
"Do all nurses have psychic powers?" I smiled.
"Only the good ones!" she winked.
"Yeah well I guess that's the 'but'!"
"So how do you feel about that?"
"I dunno, it's too soon!"
"Oh I see!"
"You see what?"
"Blood pressure's ok!" She took the cuff from my arm, "Well the old 'it's too soon' excuse!" She smiled, "It's like you feel guilty, like you're betraying Matt am I right?" I nodded, "Well give it time!"
"Are you on overtime or what?" I laughed.
"No, but I moonlight as an agony aunt!" she laughed, "Seriously, the lady in curtain 4 caught her husband at it with the nanny!"
"No shit?"
"Yeah, shocking huh? And the lady in 1 doesn't even know who the father of her baby is! She's waiting to see what colour it comes out!"
"Ok! Ok! Very funny!" I laughed.
"Well it got you to smile!"
"Ever thought of getting a job on Springer?"
"So have you guys talked about it?"
"You're not gonna let up are you?"
"Are you kidding? I'm missing my day time soaps here! I need something to fill the void that 'The Young & The restless' has left behind!" She winked & I shook my head & smiled.
"Nah we've not really talked about it much!"
"Well do you want my opinion? It's free of charge & you can take it or leave it!" she smiled.
"Go on then!" I rolled my eyes but secretly I did want her opinion! She'd been through a similar situation herself & I wanted to know how she delt with it as I had no clue!
"Well," she started to fuss with my sheets, tucking them in at the bottom of my bed as she spoke, "From what I can see the guy is head over heels for you and…" she smoothed the blanket & sat down, "I know that right now it's too soon for you, but will it ever be not too soon?" She raised her eyebrows & I looked away, "It's obviously not a one way thing goin on here either is it?"
"What do you mean?"
Sasha smiled, "Well I mean I think your head is telling you it's too soon, but maybe other parts of your body have other ideas!" She laughed.
"Oh no! Well….."
"Hey look I said you could take it or leave it!" She laughed again, "I just reckon it's a waste that's all!"
"What is?"
She sighed, "Ok I'm gonna stick my neck out here, what I'm trying to say is forget about up here for a while…" she tapped her temple with her index finger, "I know it's hard to move on, God knows I tortured myself for months! I felt guilty, I was worried what everyone was gonna think and I didn't think I would or could love anyone else!"
"I can't love anyone else!"
"But you can! Unless I'm totally off the map here I'd say that you already do!" she smiled, "Take everything else out of the equation ok? Take all of it away & then how do you feel about Jeff?"
I looked over at Jude who was stirring & I shrugged my shoulders, "I dunno?"
"I think you do!" she smiled & stood up, "So, are you still needing some baby milk or….."
"Yeah please! I just don't feel comfortable breast feeding! God I feel like a bad mother already!"
"Don't be silly! I'll go & get you some bottles, looks like the little fella is hungry!" she went to the door.
"I love him!" I said quietly & she nodded, "You're right, I love him, but I can't love him the way I love Matt!"
"Not now you can't, but maybe it'll happen! You might just wake up one day, look at Jeff & think 'Holy Shit! This guy is amazing!'" she laughed, "I'll be back in a tick!" She left to get the bottles.
I stared at the baby, his little arms were waving around but he still wasn't crying, his eyes weren't even open! Sasha was right though, I could quite easily fall in love with Jeff if I let it happen! But how the hell was I meant to take Matt out of the equation? After 8 months without him I still loved him with all my heart. Probably more so since the baby was born! I didn't want that feeling to go away, I didn't want to move on & forget about Matt! I never wanted to stop loving him, not now, not ever! Tears welled up in my eyes as I lay my head back onto the pillow & let them roll down my face.
"Ok I've got the….." Sasha stopped when she saw me crying, "Oh man! I'm sorry! I didn't mean to upset you!" She put the bottles down on top of the little locker, "me & my big mouth! I'm just gonna shut up! From now on I'll keep my nose out!" She sat on the bed, "Just forget about what I said before! It's different for everyone!"
I sniffed, "It's not you! Just, well I cry a lot these days!" I smiled through my tears as I sat up. "Y'know the last thing Matt said to me was 'I'm always making you cry!' well, he made me cry a hell of a lot less when he was here!"
"Yeah I know! Believe me I've been there!"
"There's more to it than guilt Sasha!" I paused & sighed, "See I had problems with my ex….he…….well he was a fucking lunatic putting it mildly!" I wiped my face, "And, he came back because I was in love with Matt! He wanted to hurt him,' I paused again, how could I explain this without sounding like a fruit loop? "Well he DID hurt Matt, and I'm so scared that…if………if I fall in love with Jeff he'll come back for him I know he will!" I started to sob, "I can't let that happen! I can't let him hurt Jeff!