Lost, Confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")
Chapter 54
3 days later & Jude was doing great so the doctors reluctantly said I could go home and that was when the panick set in! I suddenly realized I had practically no baby things at all, no crib, nothing! All I'd bought was a few clothes & some diapers! Jeff came to pick me up & I'd been dressed & ready to go for hours by the time they finally said I could leave! Sasha gave me her number & I promised to keep in touch with her, she'd become a good friend in all the weeks I'd been in the hospital & I would be eternally greatful to her for that! Jeff had bought a car seat, something that hadn't even crossed my mind & he carried Jude out to the car in it! I was so happy to be finally leaving that hospital yet very nervous now that I wouldn't have the nurses there to turn to at any given moment!
"Jeff I really think I need to go shopping!" I said as we were on our way home, "I have nothing for this baby to even sleep in!"
Jeff smiled, "Yeah well let's just get home & we'll think about that later! Your Mom is dying for this little guy to get there & she'll be driving Dad crazy if we don't get back soon!"
"Oh God I hope your dad can handle her! Once she starts she is impossible!" I rolled my eyes.
"Actually she's been fussing over both of us for weeks now & I think dad is secretly enjoying it!" Jeff laughed.
When we got home there was a huge 'WELCOME HOME!' banner above the door!
"Aw did you do that?" I asked Jeff.
"Nope! It was all down to Betty!" Jeff laughed, "She's as excited about this baby as your Mom!"
"Betty? Is she here now?"
"No she went back to the Jameson's before I left to pick you up, but she said she'll be around later with the kids too if that's ok? You have to give her a call when you have a minute!"
"I can't wait!" I smiled & got out of the car, "I've missed everyone so much!"
Jeff went to the back of the car & undid the straps on the baby seat, "Here, you can carry him inside!" he handed me the seat.
"Come on then little guy! This is home!" Jeff put his arm around me and the three of us went inside together! We were greeted by Jeff's uncle Max and 2 of his cousins who were standing in the kitchen with my Mum & Gilbert. We had coffee while the baby was passed around & fussed over & he didn't even wake up! Then Mary arrived with a gorgeous basket of flowers for me! As she put it, 'No one thinks of the Mom when there's a baby!' It was real nice of her! After an hour or so I grabbed my bags & headed for the stairs.
"Here let me!" Jeff took my bags & followed me to my room. When I opened the door I took a step backwards completely stunned to see the place looked like a nursery! Everything I needed for the baby was all neatly set out with little blue ribbons attatched to the crib & the pram & blue teddy bears & balloons all over the room!
"What the?" My eyes were like dinner plates & Jeff nudged me into the room, "You did all of this?"
"Nope! It's a gift from guess who?"
"I have no freakin' idea!"
"The McMahon's!"
"You're kidding me?"
"No! It was delivered yesterday in a big truck! Although I do have to own up to going a little crazy with the balloons & ribbons!" Jeff grinned.
"Jesus I can't believe they sent all of this!"
"Well they thought a lot about Matt, especially Shane! They are very generous people to their friends!"
"I'm stunned!" I said as I ran my hand along the side of the brand new crib! "Totally blown away!"
Jeff came up behind me & put his arms around my waist. "Everything's working out ok!" he said as he put his chin on my shoulder, "We're gonna be alright!"
"We?"
"Yeah! You, Jude, me & Dad! We're a family now and well, we're gonna be ok!"
"Yeah I guess we are!" I smiled although I had a feeling Jeff was trying to reassure himself more than he was me! Well I wasn't convinced! Happilly ever after was not in my vocabulary! It was going to be long & it was going to be hard but now that I had Jude I was more determined than ever that no matter how shitty my life was it wasn't going to affect him!
***
Christmas came & went, it was no big deal that year. Usually it was my favourite time of the year but not now. Jude was 6 months old & I felt like a 50 year old! Nothing seemed to be easy with him, he never slept much & pretty much all of the time he was awake he was crying! Jeff helped as much as he could but he had his work to do & he seemed to be as warn out as I was! I also, thankfully, had Betty & Sasha who came to see me as often as they could, but I would slip into depressions that would last for days at a time. No one really knew as I became the master of putting on a happy face! I started smoking again, usually in the middle of the night I'd be out on the porch, cigarette in hand & crying for no reason other than I was permenantly pissed off with my life! I loved Jude so much & I knew that my depression never affected him, I made sure of it! Somehow, even when he was screaming his lungs out at 3am I always managed to stay calm with him! It wasn't Jude that got me down it was everything else! I thought a lot about Jeff while I was out on the porch in the middle of the night. If I was honest with myself I knew I was falling in love with him, but I had to try not to, for his own safety! Mick had said I'd never see him again, but who can believe the word of a psycho……a dead psycho at that?! Nothing could stop him from coming back if he wanted to, it was like a fucked up episode of The X Files! But I knew what I'd seen in that hospital room, it wasn't a figment of my imagination, he was real! Had I known he was dead before I saw him then I would have believed it was my mind playing nasty tricks on me, but I hadn't known & he was there, in the flesh, or so I had thought at the time!
Matt had been gone for over a year now & it was still as fresh in my mind as if it had happened yesterday! I still missed him & I still loved him, sometimes I still couldn't believe I'd never see him again but it had gotten a little easier to deal with! I just felt that my life was going nowhere, as much as I loved Jude it seemed like all I ever did was feed him & change diapers! I never went out & Sasha & Betty seemed like my only 2 friends in the whole world!
One night I was on the porch, Jeff was home & he was asleep with Jude, he totally doted on him whenever he could spend time with him! He'd taken Jude into his room so I could get some sleep. It was freezing outside but I needed a smoke, so there I sat at 2am in my Pj's and one of Matt's old jackets, looking at the stars & smoking my second cigarette. I felt so low I'd hardly even spoken to Jeff since he came back, I just told him I was tired, but 3 words that Sasha had said to me earlier that day rattled around in my head! She had commented on the fact that I hadn't even gotten dressed when she'd arrived at lunchtime & she asked me if I'd heard of Post Natal Depression! I had laughed it off & told her I just hadn't had time to get dressed but deep down the reason had been that there was no point! Why get dressed? I wasn't going anywhere! My day would be full of bottles & diapers as usual so why even make the effort? She had picked up on something though, I expected I hadn't heard the last on the subject from her, especially as she'd told me she was coming back to see me again the next day!
Chapter 54
3 days later & Jude was doing great so the doctors reluctantly said I could go home and that was when the panick set in! I suddenly realized I had practically no baby things at all, no crib, nothing! All I'd bought was a few clothes & some diapers! Jeff came to pick me up & I'd been dressed & ready to go for hours by the time they finally said I could leave! Sasha gave me her number & I promised to keep in touch with her, she'd become a good friend in all the weeks I'd been in the hospital & I would be eternally greatful to her for that! Jeff had bought a car seat, something that hadn't even crossed my mind & he carried Jude out to the car in it! I was so happy to be finally leaving that hospital yet very nervous now that I wouldn't have the nurses there to turn to at any given moment!
"Jeff I really think I need to go shopping!" I said as we were on our way home, "I have nothing for this baby to even sleep in!"
Jeff smiled, "Yeah well let's just get home & we'll think about that later! Your Mom is dying for this little guy to get there & she'll be driving Dad crazy if we don't get back soon!"
"Oh God I hope your dad can handle her! Once she starts she is impossible!" I rolled my eyes.
"Actually she's been fussing over both of us for weeks now & I think dad is secretly enjoying it!" Jeff laughed.
When we got home there was a huge 'WELCOME HOME!' banner above the door!
"Aw did you do that?" I asked Jeff.
"Nope! It was all down to Betty!" Jeff laughed, "She's as excited about this baby as your Mom!"
"Betty? Is she here now?"
"No she went back to the Jameson's before I left to pick you up, but she said she'll be around later with the kids too if that's ok? You have to give her a call when you have a minute!"
"I can't wait!" I smiled & got out of the car, "I've missed everyone so much!"
Jeff went to the back of the car & undid the straps on the baby seat, "Here, you can carry him inside!" he handed me the seat.
"Come on then little guy! This is home!" Jeff put his arm around me and the three of us went inside together! We were greeted by Jeff's uncle Max and 2 of his cousins who were standing in the kitchen with my Mum & Gilbert. We had coffee while the baby was passed around & fussed over & he didn't even wake up! Then Mary arrived with a gorgeous basket of flowers for me! As she put it, 'No one thinks of the Mom when there's a baby!' It was real nice of her! After an hour or so I grabbed my bags & headed for the stairs.
"Here let me!" Jeff took my bags & followed me to my room. When I opened the door I took a step backwards completely stunned to see the place looked like a nursery! Everything I needed for the baby was all neatly set out with little blue ribbons attatched to the crib & the pram & blue teddy bears & balloons all over the room!
"What the?" My eyes were like dinner plates & Jeff nudged me into the room, "You did all of this?"
"Nope! It's a gift from guess who?"
"I have no freakin' idea!"
"The McMahon's!"
"You're kidding me?"
"No! It was delivered yesterday in a big truck! Although I do have to own up to going a little crazy with the balloons & ribbons!" Jeff grinned.
"Jesus I can't believe they sent all of this!"
"Well they thought a lot about Matt, especially Shane! They are very generous people to their friends!"
"I'm stunned!" I said as I ran my hand along the side of the brand new crib! "Totally blown away!"
Jeff came up behind me & put his arms around my waist. "Everything's working out ok!" he said as he put his chin on my shoulder, "We're gonna be alright!"
"We?"
"Yeah! You, Jude, me & Dad! We're a family now and well, we're gonna be ok!"
"Yeah I guess we are!" I smiled although I had a feeling Jeff was trying to reassure himself more than he was me! Well I wasn't convinced! Happilly ever after was not in my vocabulary! It was going to be long & it was going to be hard but now that I had Jude I was more determined than ever that no matter how shitty my life was it wasn't going to affect him!
***
Christmas came & went, it was no big deal that year. Usually it was my favourite time of the year but not now. Jude was 6 months old & I felt like a 50 year old! Nothing seemed to be easy with him, he never slept much & pretty much all of the time he was awake he was crying! Jeff helped as much as he could but he had his work to do & he seemed to be as warn out as I was! I also, thankfully, had Betty & Sasha who came to see me as often as they could, but I would slip into depressions that would last for days at a time. No one really knew as I became the master of putting on a happy face! I started smoking again, usually in the middle of the night I'd be out on the porch, cigarette in hand & crying for no reason other than I was permenantly pissed off with my life! I loved Jude so much & I knew that my depression never affected him, I made sure of it! Somehow, even when he was screaming his lungs out at 3am I always managed to stay calm with him! It wasn't Jude that got me down it was everything else! I thought a lot about Jeff while I was out on the porch in the middle of the night. If I was honest with myself I knew I was falling in love with him, but I had to try not to, for his own safety! Mick had said I'd never see him again, but who can believe the word of a psycho……a dead psycho at that?! Nothing could stop him from coming back if he wanted to, it was like a fucked up episode of The X Files! But I knew what I'd seen in that hospital room, it wasn't a figment of my imagination, he was real! Had I known he was dead before I saw him then I would have believed it was my mind playing nasty tricks on me, but I hadn't known & he was there, in the flesh, or so I had thought at the time!
Matt had been gone for over a year now & it was still as fresh in my mind as if it had happened yesterday! I still missed him & I still loved him, sometimes I still couldn't believe I'd never see him again but it had gotten a little easier to deal with! I just felt that my life was going nowhere, as much as I loved Jude it seemed like all I ever did was feed him & change diapers! I never went out & Sasha & Betty seemed like my only 2 friends in the whole world!
One night I was on the porch, Jeff was home & he was asleep with Jude, he totally doted on him whenever he could spend time with him! He'd taken Jude into his room so I could get some sleep. It was freezing outside but I needed a smoke, so there I sat at 2am in my Pj's and one of Matt's old jackets, looking at the stars & smoking my second cigarette. I felt so low I'd hardly even spoken to Jeff since he came back, I just told him I was tired, but 3 words that Sasha had said to me earlier that day rattled around in my head! She had commented on the fact that I hadn't even gotten dressed when she'd arrived at lunchtime & she asked me if I'd heard of Post Natal Depression! I had laughed it off & told her I just hadn't had time to get dressed but deep down the reason had been that there was no point! Why get dressed? I wasn't going anywhere! My day would be full of bottles & diapers as usual so why even make the effort? She had picked up on something though, I expected I hadn't heard the last on the subject from her, especially as she'd told me she was coming back to see me again the next day!