Lost, Confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")
Chapter 60
Dwayne gave me a lift back home & I decided I needed a cigarette before I went to pick the baby up from Mary. I went inside & Jeff was in the kitchen, feeding Jude!
"Oh I was just going to go & get him!"
"Well I saved you the bother!" He spooned some food into Jude's mouth.
"It wouldn't have been a bother! I was gonna take him for a walk before lunch that's all!"
"Oh well sorry! I thought you'd be too busy!"
I put a hand to my head, had I just walked into the Twilight Zone? "Busy doing what exactly?"
"Well how should I know?" he spooned some more food out of the bowl & played 'aeroplanes' with it while Jude giggled at him.
"Why are you being like this?"
"All gone!" he tickled Jude then took the bowl & spoon to the sink. "I'm not being like anything! You're the one with the problem not me!" he spat at me & turned his back. I caught hold of his arm & spun him around.
"Stop beating around the bush! Come on you've obviously got something you wanna say so spit it out!" He smirked & turned away again, "JEFF!" I yelled, "Ok so this isn't about the fact that I had sex with Adam is it?"
"Don't shout! Dad's outside!"
"Don't shout? DON'T FUCKING SHOUT!!!" I went to him & once again turned him to face me, "This is because I had sex & it wasn't with you!" I prodded his chest.
"NO ACTUALLY! THAT"S NOT IT!" he yelled in my face.
"SO WHAT THE HELL IS IT JEFF BECAUSE I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA!"
"YOU DON'T WANNA KNOW!" He shouted & Jude started to cry.
"Oh I think I can be the judge of that! Come what is it? You think I'm….I'm a slut is that it?" he looked away & I shoved him, "Don't fucking turn away from me! Who the hell do you think you are anyway? Am I not allowed to have a life now? HUH?" I shoved him again.
"Don't push me!" he said quietly.
"Why? What are you gonna do about it?" I was almost screaming at him! All my anger at the world was bubbling up to the surface & I couldn't stop myself! "Tell me what you think of me! Go on!"
Jeff swallowed hard & then licked his lips, "Well…..it didn't take you long did it?" he said through clenched teeth.
I took a step backwards, "What?" I gasped.
"You heard me! You weren't thinking about Matt last night were you!"
Without even thinking I brought my hand up to slap his face but he caught my wrist. "You bastard!" I whispered as the tears streamed down my face.
"The baby's crying." He said coldly as he stared at my face. He was expressionless, I didn't think he could ever be so cruel.
"So you see to him!" I yanked my arm from his grip, "You do it so much better than me anyway!" I sobbed & ran out of the back door.
I didn't know where I was going, all I knew was I had to get away from Jeff, away from everyone! I tried to calm down incase anyone saw me as I walked along the road, they'd have me committed the state I was in! I couldn't believe Jeff had been so hurtful! All this time he'd been my rock, the only reliable thing I had in my life & now I felt like I'd seen his true colours, I'd heard what he really thought of me. It almost killed me to hear those words go around & round in my head as I walked.
I'd wandered for a couple of miles in a world of my own and when I looked up I realized I was just along the road from the cemetery. I didn't go there much, infact I tried to avoid the place as much as possible. Going there reminded me that Matt was no longer here, as if I didn't have enough reminders of that already! Today, however, was different, I felt drawn to the place like I'd never done before so slowly I opened the huge iron gates & stepped inside. For all I hadn't been there more than 4 or 5 times I still knew exactly where to find him like I'd visited every day. It was just instinct, something drew me too him. I was about 30 feet away when I saw that there was already someone there, at his grave, standing with his hands in his pockets & his head down. I knew who it was & I felt a sickness well up in my stomach. I looked around to see if there was anyone else nearby but I was alone. My mind screamed at me to turn & run, get the hell out of there, but for some reason my legs just kept on going! He didn't see me approach him & he jumped when I spoke.
"Well what the fuck would you know about this?"
"BEC!" he looked around him & then back at me. "I……I….erm…….I……….." he swallowed hard.
"What are you doing here Steve?"
"I…….I…….." he stammered, "I'm sorry I was just………….."
"Leaving? Because that would be the smart thing to do? Oh but wait, 'smart' isn't exactly a word I'd use to describe you!" I smiled sarcastically at him. I had such an adrenalin rush, fear coursing through my whole body but I was determined I was going to have this out with him no matter what it took! He wasn't going to scare me any more!
"I'm sorry about Matt!" he hung his head.
"Not as sorry as I am!" I spat at him, "When did they let you out of your fucking cage?"
"2 days ago. I had to come back and……."
"And what Steve? Why did you come back here?"
"I don't know!" he hung his head again, "I'm sorry! None of this was meant to happen please believe me!"
"Oh I get it!" I laughed, "You want me to forgive you? Forgive poor little pathetic Steve so he can sleep easy in his bed at night? Well FUCK YOU!"
"I never laid a finger on you Bec! It was all Mick!"
"That's true, but he couldn't have done it without you Steve, he was never that smart! But you……..you were a different story! You got in here…." I tapped my temple with my finger, "You fucked me up more than Mick ever did!" He swallowed hard & looked away. "Do you realize what you did to me? I can't even own my own cell phone because it terrifies me! That's how good a job you did on me Steve! Are you proud of yourself?"
"No I never meant to do all of that shit! It just got out of hand! And I swear to you I never knew he was gonna……" he paused,
"Rape me? That's the word you're looking for….RAPE!"
"I'm sorry! I was desperate! They were sharks Bec! They were going to kill me and I had no other way of making the money I needed in the short space of time that I had!"
"Save it for someone who cares! God I wish they had killed you! You don't deserve to be breathing!" I walked around to Matt's headstone & squatted down beside it. "He couldn't have done any of this without you!"
"What happened with Matt, it was an accident right? I mean Mick….."
"DON'T speak his name, not here! He's dead did you know that?"
"What?"
"Your cohort…" I traced the gold lettering on the headstone with my finger, "Your partner in crime! Dead, rotting in hell where he deserves to be!" I stood up.
"I didn't know. I'm sorry!"
"Don't be sorry for me, be sorry for yourself! If I had a knife in my hand right now I'd kill you myself do you know that? I hate you for what you did to me!" I slapped his face as hard as I could & he staggered back, clutching at his cheek. "But you're not worth it! You're nothing!" I spat at him. I should have been terrified of him yet a found a whole new sense of calm coming over me. I thought he would attack me after I hit him, kill me even, but as long as I got to say what I needed to say, somehow whatever happened after that didn't matter! I'd spent months of my life looking over my shoulder for this guy, countless nights dreaming of what I would say to him if I ever saw him again, and yet now he was here I wasn't scared anymore! I wasn't the trembling, sobbing wreck I'd envisioned in those dreams, begging for him to leave me alone, hiding in a dark corner not daring to breathe incase he found me! He wasn't the huge monster I'd seen when I closed my eyes either! He was just a sad ex-con! Pathetic, wasting away, grubby, he was nothing. I wasn't going to run away from him anymore!
"Maybe this wasn't such a good idea!" he started to walk away.
"Oh you got that right! What did you expect from me Steve? Did you want me to feel sorry for you? Tell you all is forgiven? What?"
"I just wanted to…….to try & explain! I wanted to tell you & Jeff how sorry I am!"
"Jeff?" I threw my arms up in the air then put them on my hips laughing hysterically. "Let me give you some advice about Jeff! It's the only piece of advice you're ever going to get from me & I'm telling you for his sake not yours!" He nodded his head slowly, the wind whipped my hair into my face & I must have looked like a mad woman standing there laughing like some sort of demented witch! "Stay the fuck away from Jeff! If you see him coming your way, run! And I mean run your ass off because he doesn't need a knife Steve……he'll kill you with his bare hands!" Steve bit on his lip, "And you know the really shitty thing is I can't let that happen! He's been through enough because of me without doing time for a worthless piece of shit like you! As much as I'd like to see you in the dirt I'd rather do it myself than have Jeff involved in any way! Do we understand each other?"
"I never meant for any of this to happen!" he started to cry.
"Leave! Go now!" I put a hand to my brow, "Just walk out of this cemetery & out of Cameron & don't come back! Not for anything!"
"I'm sorry!" he whispered & wiped his face on his sleeve.
"I don't care!"
I stood with my arms folded across my chest & watched until he was out of sight, then I sank to my knees & burst into tears.
Chapter 60
Dwayne gave me a lift back home & I decided I needed a cigarette before I went to pick the baby up from Mary. I went inside & Jeff was in the kitchen, feeding Jude!
"Oh I was just going to go & get him!"
"Well I saved you the bother!" He spooned some food into Jude's mouth.
"It wouldn't have been a bother! I was gonna take him for a walk before lunch that's all!"
"Oh well sorry! I thought you'd be too busy!"
I put a hand to my head, had I just walked into the Twilight Zone? "Busy doing what exactly?"
"Well how should I know?" he spooned some more food out of the bowl & played 'aeroplanes' with it while Jude giggled at him.
"Why are you being like this?"
"All gone!" he tickled Jude then took the bowl & spoon to the sink. "I'm not being like anything! You're the one with the problem not me!" he spat at me & turned his back. I caught hold of his arm & spun him around.
"Stop beating around the bush! Come on you've obviously got something you wanna say so spit it out!" He smirked & turned away again, "JEFF!" I yelled, "Ok so this isn't about the fact that I had sex with Adam is it?"
"Don't shout! Dad's outside!"
"Don't shout? DON'T FUCKING SHOUT!!!" I went to him & once again turned him to face me, "This is because I had sex & it wasn't with you!" I prodded his chest.
"NO ACTUALLY! THAT"S NOT IT!" he yelled in my face.
"SO WHAT THE HELL IS IT JEFF BECAUSE I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA!"
"YOU DON'T WANNA KNOW!" He shouted & Jude started to cry.
"Oh I think I can be the judge of that! Come what is it? You think I'm….I'm a slut is that it?" he looked away & I shoved him, "Don't fucking turn away from me! Who the hell do you think you are anyway? Am I not allowed to have a life now? HUH?" I shoved him again.
"Don't push me!" he said quietly.
"Why? What are you gonna do about it?" I was almost screaming at him! All my anger at the world was bubbling up to the surface & I couldn't stop myself! "Tell me what you think of me! Go on!"
Jeff swallowed hard & then licked his lips, "Well…..it didn't take you long did it?" he said through clenched teeth.
I took a step backwards, "What?" I gasped.
"You heard me! You weren't thinking about Matt last night were you!"
Without even thinking I brought my hand up to slap his face but he caught my wrist. "You bastard!" I whispered as the tears streamed down my face.
"The baby's crying." He said coldly as he stared at my face. He was expressionless, I didn't think he could ever be so cruel.
"So you see to him!" I yanked my arm from his grip, "You do it so much better than me anyway!" I sobbed & ran out of the back door.
I didn't know where I was going, all I knew was I had to get away from Jeff, away from everyone! I tried to calm down incase anyone saw me as I walked along the road, they'd have me committed the state I was in! I couldn't believe Jeff had been so hurtful! All this time he'd been my rock, the only reliable thing I had in my life & now I felt like I'd seen his true colours, I'd heard what he really thought of me. It almost killed me to hear those words go around & round in my head as I walked.
I'd wandered for a couple of miles in a world of my own and when I looked up I realized I was just along the road from the cemetery. I didn't go there much, infact I tried to avoid the place as much as possible. Going there reminded me that Matt was no longer here, as if I didn't have enough reminders of that already! Today, however, was different, I felt drawn to the place like I'd never done before so slowly I opened the huge iron gates & stepped inside. For all I hadn't been there more than 4 or 5 times I still knew exactly where to find him like I'd visited every day. It was just instinct, something drew me too him. I was about 30 feet away when I saw that there was already someone there, at his grave, standing with his hands in his pockets & his head down. I knew who it was & I felt a sickness well up in my stomach. I looked around to see if there was anyone else nearby but I was alone. My mind screamed at me to turn & run, get the hell out of there, but for some reason my legs just kept on going! He didn't see me approach him & he jumped when I spoke.
"Well what the fuck would you know about this?"
"BEC!" he looked around him & then back at me. "I……I….erm…….I……….." he swallowed hard.
"What are you doing here Steve?"
"I…….I…….." he stammered, "I'm sorry I was just………….."
"Leaving? Because that would be the smart thing to do? Oh but wait, 'smart' isn't exactly a word I'd use to describe you!" I smiled sarcastically at him. I had such an adrenalin rush, fear coursing through my whole body but I was determined I was going to have this out with him no matter what it took! He wasn't going to scare me any more!
"I'm sorry about Matt!" he hung his head.
"Not as sorry as I am!" I spat at him, "When did they let you out of your fucking cage?"
"2 days ago. I had to come back and……."
"And what Steve? Why did you come back here?"
"I don't know!" he hung his head again, "I'm sorry! None of this was meant to happen please believe me!"
"Oh I get it!" I laughed, "You want me to forgive you? Forgive poor little pathetic Steve so he can sleep easy in his bed at night? Well FUCK YOU!"
"I never laid a finger on you Bec! It was all Mick!"
"That's true, but he couldn't have done it without you Steve, he was never that smart! But you……..you were a different story! You got in here…." I tapped my temple with my finger, "You fucked me up more than Mick ever did!" He swallowed hard & looked away. "Do you realize what you did to me? I can't even own my own cell phone because it terrifies me! That's how good a job you did on me Steve! Are you proud of yourself?"
"No I never meant to do all of that shit! It just got out of hand! And I swear to you I never knew he was gonna……" he paused,
"Rape me? That's the word you're looking for….RAPE!"
"I'm sorry! I was desperate! They were sharks Bec! They were going to kill me and I had no other way of making the money I needed in the short space of time that I had!"
"Save it for someone who cares! God I wish they had killed you! You don't deserve to be breathing!" I walked around to Matt's headstone & squatted down beside it. "He couldn't have done any of this without you!"
"What happened with Matt, it was an accident right? I mean Mick….."
"DON'T speak his name, not here! He's dead did you know that?"
"What?"
"Your cohort…" I traced the gold lettering on the headstone with my finger, "Your partner in crime! Dead, rotting in hell where he deserves to be!" I stood up.
"I didn't know. I'm sorry!"
"Don't be sorry for me, be sorry for yourself! If I had a knife in my hand right now I'd kill you myself do you know that? I hate you for what you did to me!" I slapped his face as hard as I could & he staggered back, clutching at his cheek. "But you're not worth it! You're nothing!" I spat at him. I should have been terrified of him yet a found a whole new sense of calm coming over me. I thought he would attack me after I hit him, kill me even, but as long as I got to say what I needed to say, somehow whatever happened after that didn't matter! I'd spent months of my life looking over my shoulder for this guy, countless nights dreaming of what I would say to him if I ever saw him again, and yet now he was here I wasn't scared anymore! I wasn't the trembling, sobbing wreck I'd envisioned in those dreams, begging for him to leave me alone, hiding in a dark corner not daring to breathe incase he found me! He wasn't the huge monster I'd seen when I closed my eyes either! He was just a sad ex-con! Pathetic, wasting away, grubby, he was nothing. I wasn't going to run away from him anymore!
"Maybe this wasn't such a good idea!" he started to walk away.
"Oh you got that right! What did you expect from me Steve? Did you want me to feel sorry for you? Tell you all is forgiven? What?"
"I just wanted to…….to try & explain! I wanted to tell you & Jeff how sorry I am!"
"Jeff?" I threw my arms up in the air then put them on my hips laughing hysterically. "Let me give you some advice about Jeff! It's the only piece of advice you're ever going to get from me & I'm telling you for his sake not yours!" He nodded his head slowly, the wind whipped my hair into my face & I must have looked like a mad woman standing there laughing like some sort of demented witch! "Stay the fuck away from Jeff! If you see him coming your way, run! And I mean run your ass off because he doesn't need a knife Steve……he'll kill you with his bare hands!" Steve bit on his lip, "And you know the really shitty thing is I can't let that happen! He's been through enough because of me without doing time for a worthless piece of shit like you! As much as I'd like to see you in the dirt I'd rather do it myself than have Jeff involved in any way! Do we understand each other?"
"I never meant for any of this to happen!" he started to cry.
"Leave! Go now!" I put a hand to my brow, "Just walk out of this cemetery & out of Cameron & don't come back! Not for anything!"
"I'm sorry!" he whispered & wiped his face on his sleeve.
"I don't care!"
I stood with my arms folded across my chest & watched until he was out of sight, then I sank to my knees & burst into tears.