Lost, Confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")
Chapter 62
I was there for quite a while I have no idea how long. When I eventually went home it was dark & I was cold. All I wanted to do was go to bed & forget that this weekend had ever happened, hell at that point I wanted to forget half my life had ever happened! Gilbert was in the kitchen when I walked in & I must have looked a mess judging from the wide-eyed look he gave me!
"I'm just gonna go & have a shower!" I said quietly & went to walk past him but he touched my arm.
"Bec?" I stopped & turned around. "Will you have a coffee with me? 5 minutes is all I ask! I have something I need to say."
I took a deep breath, I was sure I was in for another lecture of some description, ah well I decided better to get it over with, top this fantastic weekend off with a lecture - perfect! "Sure, ok!" I sat down & he made us a coffee & sat down opposite me.
"Been to see Matt today?" he asked, I nodded my head & looked into my cup. "I saw you down there, I go every day myself but that's the first time I've ever seen you!" My mind raced, what if he'd seen me with Steve? "I thought you looked like you needed some time, so I just left you to it!"
"Yeah well I just kinda needed to go y'know?"
Gilbert nodded, "did it have anything to do with the argument you & Jeff had earlier? I kinda overheard some things!"
"Oh right. " I took a gulp from my cup.
"If you have got yourself a boyfriend then…"
"I haven't!"
"Oh well Jeff, he was pretty upset when you left."
"We shouldn't have been fighting, things just got out of hand."
"He's over emotional sometimes, always been the same ever since he was a kid!" Gilbert smiled, "I never thought Matthew would make a wrestler out of that one that's for sure!" he chuckled. I smiled & drank some more coffee. "He said some things to you, hurtful things! I heard him! He didn't mean it Rebecca, I'm sure he didn't! We all say stupid things when we're angry, heat of the moment and everything."
"Yeah I know." I said quietly.
"Well after you left he explained a few things to me, things that his old man should've seen months ago!" He smiled, "Seems he was hurt, maybe a case of the green eyed monster? Well I should have seen that one coming the way you two are!"
"What do you mean?"
"Exactly what I say!" he smiled.
"Gilbert, I hope you don't mind me asking but, why didn't you ever find someone, y'know after…"
"That's a fair question but I don't really have any answers! There was a couple of times when I suppose I could have……but I was working & raising two kids at the same time, that was my excuse anyway!" he raised his eyebrows.
"Excuse?"
"Well to be honest the real reason was because I felt like I was betraying her! She was my wife, the mother of my children, I guess I never really did let her go, still haven't!" he sighed, "That's why you see this lonely old man infront of you & that's what I wanted to talk to you about!" he reached across the table & took hold of my hand, "I said some things a while back that I shouldn't have said, & I guess after the conversation I had with Jeff earlier, it's time to put those things right!" He smiled, "I said that you & Jeffery wasn't right & I had no business saying that! He told me some things that I suppose I should have seen in my own son! I won't go into details but what I'm trying to say is don't end up like me…old & alone!" I opened my mouth to say something but he held up his hand, "Now just let me finish what I started while I have a mind to! Whether it's Jeff or someone else……Adam maybe?" I shook my head & smiled, he'd heard more of this argument that I'd first thought! "It doesn't matter, just know that I won't stand in your way if that's what you two decide to do!" he smiled, "It won't be easy, I've seen how much you missed Matt these past few months….listen to me rambling on like an old fool!" I smiled at him, "All I'm really tryin to say is I won't think any less of you if ever you do decide to start again! I'm pretty damn sure Matthew wouldn't either!" he patted my hand & I couldn't hold back my tears any longer! I stood up & walked around the table.
"Thankyou!" I hugged him, "But whatever happens I want you to know I'll always love Matt!"
"Hey now come on! We'll have none of that!" he smiled. "Now go on! Get some sleep before the little one wakes up!"
I smiled & kissed his cheek before heading out of the kitchen. I needed a shower, I felt like shit & my jeans were covered in mud from the cemetery. As I stood under the hot water my mind wandered back there, to my confrontation with Steve. I didn't think I should tell anyone that I'd seen him, I knew Jeff would flip out if he knew he'd been there at Matt's grave! Besides what good would it do anyone? I was pretty sure Steve had gotten the message & was smart enough to have gotten the hell out of Cameron! I doubted very much that we'd see him again so I decided not to mention it to anyone. If Gilbert had seen him there he hadn't let on to me about it, he had probably arrived after Steve had already gone.
As for Jeff, well I had no clue what to do about the situation! I was still hurt, although I found my anger at him melting, washing away like the soapsuds from my body. I could never stay mad at him for very long, but his anger had worried me, it was a side of him that I didn't see very often & I didn't like it! He could have said anything to me, called me worse than shit & it would have hurt me less than bringing Matt into it! He knew how to hurt me, that was the real problem! He knew me too well!
I got dried & threw on my Pj's before going to check on Jude. When I walked into my room Jeff was sitting on the edge of my bed with his head in his hands & he looked up as I walked in.
"Can we talk?"
I looked into the crib to see Jude sound asleep, "Yeah I guess we should." I sighed & looked back at the baby.
"Not here then." Jeff stood up & left. I supposed he wanted me to follow him so I gave Jude a quick kiss on the forehead & closed the door quietly behind me as I followed Jeff into his room. We just stood there in silence. Both of us had so much to say yet neither one of us knew how to say it. Jeff wandered over to the window & stared out into the night.
"I guess I should appologise." He said quietly.
"Only if you mean it!"
He sighed, "I didn't mean what I said before! It was uncalled for & I shouldn't have said it."
"You got that right! I just don't understand where it came from Jeff? I mean is that what you are really thinking?"
He looked up at the celing, "I don't know." He sighed. "Why……..why with Adam? I don't get it!"
"What is there to get? It happened, I don't know why, I guess there is no reason other than I'm human!" I paused, "I don't regret it Jeff."
He nodded slowly, "Are you seeing him again?"
"And what if the answer to that question isn't the one you want to hear, what then? Are you going to throw Matt in my face again?"
"No." he looked down at the floor.
Neither of us had raised our voices, we weren't exactly arguing but there was some things that needed to be said if we were going to clear the air & I was in no mood to run up his ass to keep the peace after the day I had just had!
Chapter 62
I was there for quite a while I have no idea how long. When I eventually went home it was dark & I was cold. All I wanted to do was go to bed & forget that this weekend had ever happened, hell at that point I wanted to forget half my life had ever happened! Gilbert was in the kitchen when I walked in & I must have looked a mess judging from the wide-eyed look he gave me!
"I'm just gonna go & have a shower!" I said quietly & went to walk past him but he touched my arm.
"Bec?" I stopped & turned around. "Will you have a coffee with me? 5 minutes is all I ask! I have something I need to say."
I took a deep breath, I was sure I was in for another lecture of some description, ah well I decided better to get it over with, top this fantastic weekend off with a lecture - perfect! "Sure, ok!" I sat down & he made us a coffee & sat down opposite me.
"Been to see Matt today?" he asked, I nodded my head & looked into my cup. "I saw you down there, I go every day myself but that's the first time I've ever seen you!" My mind raced, what if he'd seen me with Steve? "I thought you looked like you needed some time, so I just left you to it!"
"Yeah well I just kinda needed to go y'know?"
Gilbert nodded, "did it have anything to do with the argument you & Jeff had earlier? I kinda overheard some things!"
"Oh right. " I took a gulp from my cup.
"If you have got yourself a boyfriend then…"
"I haven't!"
"Oh well Jeff, he was pretty upset when you left."
"We shouldn't have been fighting, things just got out of hand."
"He's over emotional sometimes, always been the same ever since he was a kid!" Gilbert smiled, "I never thought Matthew would make a wrestler out of that one that's for sure!" he chuckled. I smiled & drank some more coffee. "He said some things to you, hurtful things! I heard him! He didn't mean it Rebecca, I'm sure he didn't! We all say stupid things when we're angry, heat of the moment and everything."
"Yeah I know." I said quietly.
"Well after you left he explained a few things to me, things that his old man should've seen months ago!" He smiled, "Seems he was hurt, maybe a case of the green eyed monster? Well I should have seen that one coming the way you two are!"
"What do you mean?"
"Exactly what I say!" he smiled.
"Gilbert, I hope you don't mind me asking but, why didn't you ever find someone, y'know after…"
"That's a fair question but I don't really have any answers! There was a couple of times when I suppose I could have……but I was working & raising two kids at the same time, that was my excuse anyway!" he raised his eyebrows.
"Excuse?"
"Well to be honest the real reason was because I felt like I was betraying her! She was my wife, the mother of my children, I guess I never really did let her go, still haven't!" he sighed, "That's why you see this lonely old man infront of you & that's what I wanted to talk to you about!" he reached across the table & took hold of my hand, "I said some things a while back that I shouldn't have said, & I guess after the conversation I had with Jeff earlier, it's time to put those things right!" He smiled, "I said that you & Jeffery wasn't right & I had no business saying that! He told me some things that I suppose I should have seen in my own son! I won't go into details but what I'm trying to say is don't end up like me…old & alone!" I opened my mouth to say something but he held up his hand, "Now just let me finish what I started while I have a mind to! Whether it's Jeff or someone else……Adam maybe?" I shook my head & smiled, he'd heard more of this argument that I'd first thought! "It doesn't matter, just know that I won't stand in your way if that's what you two decide to do!" he smiled, "It won't be easy, I've seen how much you missed Matt these past few months….listen to me rambling on like an old fool!" I smiled at him, "All I'm really tryin to say is I won't think any less of you if ever you do decide to start again! I'm pretty damn sure Matthew wouldn't either!" he patted my hand & I couldn't hold back my tears any longer! I stood up & walked around the table.
"Thankyou!" I hugged him, "But whatever happens I want you to know I'll always love Matt!"
"Hey now come on! We'll have none of that!" he smiled. "Now go on! Get some sleep before the little one wakes up!"
I smiled & kissed his cheek before heading out of the kitchen. I needed a shower, I felt like shit & my jeans were covered in mud from the cemetery. As I stood under the hot water my mind wandered back there, to my confrontation with Steve. I didn't think I should tell anyone that I'd seen him, I knew Jeff would flip out if he knew he'd been there at Matt's grave! Besides what good would it do anyone? I was pretty sure Steve had gotten the message & was smart enough to have gotten the hell out of Cameron! I doubted very much that we'd see him again so I decided not to mention it to anyone. If Gilbert had seen him there he hadn't let on to me about it, he had probably arrived after Steve had already gone.
As for Jeff, well I had no clue what to do about the situation! I was still hurt, although I found my anger at him melting, washing away like the soapsuds from my body. I could never stay mad at him for very long, but his anger had worried me, it was a side of him that I didn't see very often & I didn't like it! He could have said anything to me, called me worse than shit & it would have hurt me less than bringing Matt into it! He knew how to hurt me, that was the real problem! He knew me too well!
I got dried & threw on my Pj's before going to check on Jude. When I walked into my room Jeff was sitting on the edge of my bed with his head in his hands & he looked up as I walked in.
"Can we talk?"
I looked into the crib to see Jude sound asleep, "Yeah I guess we should." I sighed & looked back at the baby.
"Not here then." Jeff stood up & left. I supposed he wanted me to follow him so I gave Jude a quick kiss on the forehead & closed the door quietly behind me as I followed Jeff into his room. We just stood there in silence. Both of us had so much to say yet neither one of us knew how to say it. Jeff wandered over to the window & stared out into the night.
"I guess I should appologise." He said quietly.
"Only if you mean it!"
He sighed, "I didn't mean what I said before! It was uncalled for & I shouldn't have said it."
"You got that right! I just don't understand where it came from Jeff? I mean is that what you are really thinking?"
He looked up at the celing, "I don't know." He sighed. "Why……..why with Adam? I don't get it!"
"What is there to get? It happened, I don't know why, I guess there is no reason other than I'm human!" I paused, "I don't regret it Jeff."
He nodded slowly, "Are you seeing him again?"
"And what if the answer to that question isn't the one you want to hear, what then? Are you going to throw Matt in my face again?"
"No." he looked down at the floor.
Neither of us had raised our voices, we weren't exactly arguing but there was some things that needed to be said if we were going to clear the air & I was in no mood to run up his ass to keep the peace after the day I had just had!