JENNIE
The days seemed to blend together, one mixing into the next, each one a shadow of the previous hours. It took a whole week to boastfully mask my hurting chest, and another to cleverly hide that my mind was elsewhere.
But deep inside, I could barely function at all. My head was a whirlwind of questions, emotions, doubts.
Regret.
Did I regret what happened between Lisa and myself that night? No.
But I regretted letting her capture my heart, I regretted not seeing through the veil, and realizing she wasn't someone who wanted to settle down. We had one sinful, amazing, incredible night, and I let it go to my head.
I knew what I felt with her went beyond lust. Because lust doesn't last days, lust doesn't rain on your brain and stop every other function. All I wanted was a chance to see if it led anywhere
What did she feel?
Who cares, Jennie.
It's over, she made it clear.
Lisa had called me numerous times over the past couple weeks, and I sent her straight to voicemail. Several texts came through, her typed voice trying to convince me to not give up and try one more date. I deleted her messages.
I didn't want to hear it, she had made her choice to not follow what flowed between us. She had told me from the beginning that I could get out anytime I wanted.
I was done, no more dating. If I couldn't have the one person I actually felt a twinge of attraction for, then why was I going to bother anymore?
Every bone in my body was aching, my head pounding with the most ferocious headache I'd had in years. Popping two pain pills into my mouth, I cupped the edge of the sink, wishing the intense thumping would magically disappear as I swallowed.
"Mommy?" Ella's small voice cut through the tractor trailer slamming around the walls of my brain.
"Yes, Honey?"
"Auntie Nana is here."
"Okay, let her in." Turning to face the door, my eyes began to cross, making me see double. Stepping forward, I gripped the handle, attempting to pull it open.
But I couldn't turn the knob, I couldn't coordinate the idea and my fingers. The room began to spin in different directions, warping from bright white to deep purple. I had no idea what the hell was going on, or why I suddenly felt so light headed and dizzy.
Leaning against the wall, I tried to call out for Nayeon, but my voice only echoed inside my head.
And as I watched the room dissolve around me, blackness came in and coated my vision.
Sounds started to filter through my ears, mumbles that ran together, faint words that began to form. People were talking all around me, but I still saw nothing.
Slowly, I peeled my lids open, blinking rapidly. Starch white light honed in on my pupils, making me squint.
"Jen, Jen," Nayeon spoke quietly into my ear, her fingers gently touching mine. "Can you hear me?"
My throat felt dry as I tried to swallow. Smacking my lips together, I said, "That depends, what are you about to say?"
Her hearty laugh echoed through the room. "Yeah, she's coming around."
My eyes began to put together the pieces around me as the white lab coats took shape. Pressing up in the bed, I squeezed the thin blanket between my fingers. "Am I in the hospital?"
"Yes, and you gave us all quite the scare, Jen."
"What happened?" I asked, still trying to fit together the last memories.
A voice I didn't recognize slipped in, with an unfamiliar face as they leaned over me. "Ms. Kim, can you follow this light for me?"
A high beam hit my eyes, forcing me to blink down hard. "Can I have a second to catch my bearings?"
"Sure, I'm sorry, Ms. Kim. You're at Seoul National, I'm Dr. Gibbons, and let me say, you're a very lucky woman."
"What the hell happened?"
"Well, you were severely dehydrated, and that triggered a Vegal Syncopy."
"A what?"
"You passed out, Jen." Nayeon blurted, her hand clasping tightly around mine. "You're lucky I came by, otherwise I don't know what would've happened."
"Where's Ella?" I snapped, trying desperately to shove myself up in the bed.
"She's fine, Jennie. You're mom came and grabbed her after I called the ambulance."
A sigh of relief fell from my extremely desert stained lips. "I'm so thirsty, can I have some water?"
A nurse chimed in from somewhere in the background. "Absolutely." The soft patter of her shoes hit the tiles, trailing off into the distance.
"Ms. Kim, you're going to be fine. But you really need to make sure you drink plenty of water. Have you been under any stress lately, anything going on that might cause you to not do your usual things?"
Shaking my head no, I tried to think quick. "I guess I just got caught up in work and stuff."
Nayeon slapped her forehead, babbling under her breath. "Come on, don't lie."
The doctor tapped his pen against the chart, eyeing Nayeon. "Can I talk to you in private?"
My heart began to race, chest forcing out a loud, worried breath of air. "Why? What's wrong?"
Nayeon's neck angled, her eyes veering down her nose and shooting the doctor with invisible darts. "I'm her best friend, I'm not going anywhere. What did you find, cancer—a tumor—oh god. . . Is she dying?" Her tone was amplified in the small emergency ward room as her fingers streaked down over her cheeks.
"No, no," he said, chuckling softly. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't laugh, but it's nothing like that. Are you alright with me talking to you in front of your friend?" the doctor asked me before going on with what he had to say.
"Yes, yes it's fine. What is wrong with me?"
Flipping through some papers on the clipboard, the doctor went on. "We ran some blood tests on you, and well. . ." Pausing, he held his hand out, eyes scanning my face. "You're pregnant."
Did I hear him right?
I'm pregnant?
My stomach began to surge with tingles, warm, explosive, tingles that shot around my body, numbing me from head to toe.
No, I can't be.
But the face of the doctor said he wasn't joking. There was no reason for him to play a sick and twisted joke like that on a patient anyway.
A part of me waited in anticipation for him to laugh it off and say, 'No, no, I'm playing around. Sorry, yes you are dying.'
Obviously, that wouldn't have been ethical, or the true conclusion I would want from my blood work. But pregnancy had come out as such an unbelievable factor, that I didn't want to think he was right.
"Wait, no, I can't be." Shaking my head, I smiled cautiously. "Run the test again, there must be a mistake."
"There's no mistake, Ms. Kim. We ran the test three times, and it was double checked by several technicians. It says you're pregnant."
"What?!" Nayeon exclaimed, jumping off the edge of the bed and throwing her hands to her face. "You're pregnant? Did you know?"
Flicking my eyes to my friend, I sat in silent shock.
"You didn't know, Jen, holy crap. . ." Tapping two fingers against her lips, she asked, "Is it that guy, mattress woman? Isn't it?"
The doctor cut in, smiling. "You'll be released to go home soon, but from here on out, you need to make sure you take care of yourself." Bowing his head, he spun and placed the clipboard back into the holder outside the door.
"Holy, F'ing, crap, Jennie." Nayeon lowered her body to the small seat at my side. "You dirty little bird you." Her index finger bounced in the air, wagging at me like I was being scolded. "You didn't tell me that one of your dates actually went all the way! When were you planning on spilling your guts?"
Covering my eyes with my hands, I grumbled. "This was not supposed to be part of it. Shit, Nayeon, what am I going to do?"
"What are you going to do? First you're going to tell me who the lucky guy is, who is this mattress woman?" Crossing her leg, she propped her chin up with one hand.
"Can we talk about this later? I just found out I'm pregnant, I need to figure that out first."
"What's there to figure out? It's not like you're considering—" Nayeon's lids expanded, eyes bugging from her head. "Are you? Tell me you're not."
"What? No, absolutely not, I could never." Glaring at my friend, I huffed under my breath. "Geeze, Nayeon."
"Well, I'm sorry, I just don't understand what's to figure out then."
What is there to figure out?
Oh, that's right. . . How to tell Lisa that she was going to be a parent might be a start.
But how in the world were those words going to fit into her life?
Sitting in the passenger seat of Nayeon's soccer mom caravan, she kept glancing at me every two seconds.
"Well, are you going to tell me or what?"
"Nayeon—"
"Don't Nayeon me, I'm your best friend, you can't leave me in the dark. Tell me everything."
Wiping my clammy hands against my thighs, I said, "Fine."
Telling Nayeon the whole story; from the first date, to the most intense orgasm I had ever received, to Lisa basically turning me down; I felt like a huge weight had lifted off my shoulders.
I had harbored this secret, this lust, this deep seeded desire for Lisa, and to say it out loud, well. . . It made me feel better.
Nayeon was beyond herself, her jaw hanging to the floor. "Jennie, that is so freaking cute." Chuckling, she mouthed the name my daughter used for her. "Mattress woman."
"It's not cute, this is serious. How am I going to tell her that I'm having her baby."
"Look, Lisa seems like a really decent guy. Even if she doesn't want to be with you right now, it doesn't mean she never will, and it certainly doesn't mean she won't step up and be a parent to that baby."
Nodding in agreement, I wanted so badly to believe her. Lisa was a good person, she proved that a few times already.
And she was great with children, even if she didn't realize it yet.
"You're probably right."
"No, I am right. You just need to find the right time to tell her."
"She wants me to do one last date, I told her no more after the shit show last time."
"Go on the last date, that'd be the best way to see her in a neutral zone. Make her happy and feel like she's doing her job, then when the dates over, you tell her."
"Don't you think it would be weird to drop this news on her right after?"
"No, not at all. You said she doesn't want to mix business and pleasure, so once she's off the clock, you tell her. Besides, this way, Ella isn't around, and you're not calling her up out of the blue, asking her to hang out. She might think something's off with that."
She might be right.
Did I want to go on another date? No, but it would be the perfect opportunity to talk to her alone. No prying ears, no one else to see her reaction. If she didn't respond the way I was praying she would, and Ella was home, that could be horrible for her.
And if she was all for it, well, we'd have the chance to figure some things out.
Nayeon might be a wild fire, but she always had a great head on her shoulders.
"Thanks, Nayeon."
"That's why I'm here." Smiling, she held her hand up for a high five.
Smacking her palm, I giggled. "Hey, can you do me a big favor for now?"
"Anything."
"Please don't tell anyone yet, not even Rosé. I don't want Lisa to find out in some twisted six degrees of separation kind of way."
Nayeon's lips sealed tight, her fingers locking them closed, and tossing the figurative key out the window.
I couldn't stop the laugh from pressing my lungs and bubbling out. Both of us were tearing with laughter as we pulled up to my house. And it felt good, good to be with a friend who looked at the whole situation from outside of the box.
"I'll call you later, alright?" Nayeon eyed my face, arching a brow.
"Sure, talk to ya later."