Lost, Confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")
Chapter 69
Picture, if you will, the life I had always intended on living. I grow up, go to Uni, get a job, find a guy, get married, have kids, a house, a Springer Spaniel & a white picket fence! Safe, secure, predictable, end of story! Thankyou very much for the happy ever after! Compare that to the life I got! I grow up (At least that stays the same!) I find a guy (Wrong order of business begins!) I go to Uni, find a job that's thousands of miles away from home & that's when things really start to get screwed up in my big plan of life! Was it screwed up though that I fell in love with Matt? I don't think so! What was wrong was that he was taken from me, but did I bring that on myself or was it always meant to be that way from the day I drew my first breath? Did I change Matt's fate when I arrived in Cameron, or was it fate's intention to move me there? It's that point I dwell on over & over but no matter how long or hard I think about it I will never have the answer! Then what? I have Jude & that's not wrong! He's my life & the only piece of Matt that still lives on. Then there's Jeff, so simple yet I made it so complicated! Then Adam! What about Adam? God alone knows why I took it upon myself to ravish him in the parking lot at dusk that night, but I did! Out in the open, anyone could have walked around that corner & seen us but I just didn't care!
30 minutes later as we scrambled to put our jeans back on I started laughing for no reason other than I couldn't believe what we had just done!
"What?" He smiled as he fastened his boots back up.
"I dunno….this! It's fucking crazy!" I straightened my shirt & tried to tidy up my hair still chuckling to myself!
"Crazy as in 'funny' crazy or crazy as in 'what am I doing' crazy?" Adam stood up & shook the legs of his jeans over the tops of his boots.
"Both!" I smiled, "Don't you have a match tonight?"
"Nah just a run in but not for around…" he looked at his watch, "…half an hour yet!" He straightened the collar of his black shirt & started to fasten the buttons, covering up his amazing abs! I caught myself staring as his stomach disappeared behind the shirt & quickly turned away, feeling a little awkward again! School girlie! I fiddled with my clothes trying not to look at him!
"So…." He leaned back on his car again.
"So!" I smiled.
"Well I er…..guess I'd better go back in or Shane will be having a God damn heart attack!"
"Yep! You know Shane!"
"Right!" he stood up, "So, I'll um see you around then!"
"Yeah you probably will!" I smiled. He started to walk away, then stopped & came back.
"Bec I…..I…" he rubbed his forehead, one hand still in the pocket of his tight jeans. "Well I….." he rolled his eyes, grabbed me & kissed me passionately, moaning slightly when my tongue found its way into his mouth.
"I guess you'd better go then?" I said breathlessly when we parted.
"I don't have to! I mean HELL I have half an hour!" he grinned.
"Adam!" I laughed, "Go on! Get gone!" I playfully pushed him backwards. He kissed me again. "I said.." I pushed his face away from mine, "Go!" I giggled.
"Ok I'm going!" He held his hands up, "But….see me again Bec! Don't let's just walk away from this!"
I swallowed hard, "I dunno Adam I erm.."
"Please? Just, sometime, anytime! It doesn't have to be this week, this month even……..just say you'll think about it?"
I nodded, "I can't promise that I'll see you again, but sure I'll think about it!" I smiled & he kissed me again, "Now get in there before they come looking for you!"
"Ok!" he kissed me once more, "Aren't you coming?"
"No. I'm gonna stay out here & have a cigarette! I'll be in, in a little while!" I smiled.
"Ok see you then!" He smiled & started to walk away, holding on to my hand as he stepped backwards until both of our arms were outstretched. Slowly he let go, smiled, turned around & went back inside.
I puffed out my cheeks as I took another cigarette from the carton & went & sat on the step to smoke it!
"Oh how did I know you'd be out here?"
I jumped and looked up as Sasha came out of the exit. "I thought you were watching the show!" she sat down beside me & took the cigarette out of my hand.
"Don't change the subject!" She took a drag, "I knew you'd be out here when I passed Adam in the corridor grinning like a Cheshire cat!"
"Don't start!" I took the cigarette back from her.
"Start what? It was you who said you weren't seeing him again!"
"Have I missed Dwayne's match?"
"Bec!" she squealed, "Never mind Dwayne's match! What's goin on here?"
"Excuse me ladies!" we both looked up & then shuffled sideways. "Sorry Paul!" I smiled as he walked between us & went to his car. "God he's weird!" I whispered to Sasha.
"It's not gonna work!" she took out one of her own cigarettes & lit it. "I want some answers!" She exhaled, "Have you just been screwing Adam again or not?"
"Sasha!" I sighed, "Yes I just fucked Adam again so what?"
Her jaw dropped, "So what? Just like that?"
"Yeah and?"
She shook her head, "One off? Yeah that I can understand but two off? That doesn't work Bec I'm telling ya!"
"What are you talking about?"
"Ok let me explain this" She shuffled forward on the step, "Once & walk away, that's cool! Everyone does it at one time or another! But twice….well someone's gonna get hurt Bec & I'm worried about you! This isn't like you at all!" she patted my leg.
"Oh? And what is like me exactly? Boring? Predictable? And might I add, no sex life!"
"So that's what it is with Adam right? Just sex?"
"Yes!" I threw my cigarette onto the ground, "what's the problem?"
"No problem if you think you can handle that without either one of you getting involved!"
"I can handle it!"
"Ok!" She threw her cigarette down, "None of my business I'll butt out!"
"Sasha I didn't mean to be a bitch!" I sighed, "I'm sorry! You're right it was stupid & I shouldn't have done it!"
Sasha started to smirk, "Put a smile on his face though!" She nudged me & we both started to laugh!
"Fuck off! It's embarrassing!"
"Girl I just past him in the hall & believe me THAT is not embarrassing! Mind you, the day you start to screw around with things like that.." she gestured to Hunter walking back towards us, "Then you'll have something to be ashamed of!" we both giggled.
"There's no fear of that believe me!"
"Ah listen hun I don't mean to sound like your Mother or anything I just," she sighed, "I see the way you & Jeff are…" I rolled my eyes & turned away & she took hold of my hand, "I know! I Know! I sound like a broken frigging record & I'm sorry! All I want you to do is admit it!"
"Admit what?"
"How you really feel about Jeff! And don't give me any of your bullshit cause I'm not falling for it any more!"
"You want the truth?"
"Yeah come on hit me with it!"
"Ok!" I sighed, "Truth is my feelings for Jeff aren't that simple Sash!" I sighed again, "I dunno, it scares the shit out of me!" I looked at my feet, "It scares me & I don't wanna talk about it!"
"Aw sweetheart why the hell would it scare you? He's gorgeous! He's kind, he loves Jude….and he loves you too Bec!"
"It's all bullshit!" I mumbled.
"Oh come on it's totally obvious! Everyone can see it but you!"
"Sasha it scares the shit out of me because I don't really know how I feel about him! When I think about it my head gets all fucked up!"
Sasha put her arm around me, "So talk to me…..talk to him!"
"I can't! I need to get it sorted out up here….." I tapped my temple, "It's up to me! No one else can sort my head out but me!"
"So in the meantime you're just gonna fuck Adam?"
"Well I can think of worse pastimes!" I smirked and she squeezed me tightly!
"You!" She laughed. "Just be careful hun ok? It might be a pastime to you but maybe Adam sees it differently!"
"He doesn't! He's knows how it is!"
"Yeah for now! Who knows, one more time, two more times down the line & he might not feel like that!"
I'd never thought about it that way & she was right, I wasn't being fair to Adam, I was using him to feed my need for reckless abandonment!
"Ok come on! I need a beer! You up for it?"
"Count me in babe!" We both stood up, dusted off our asses & went back inside.
Chapter 69
Picture, if you will, the life I had always intended on living. I grow up, go to Uni, get a job, find a guy, get married, have kids, a house, a Springer Spaniel & a white picket fence! Safe, secure, predictable, end of story! Thankyou very much for the happy ever after! Compare that to the life I got! I grow up (At least that stays the same!) I find a guy (Wrong order of business begins!) I go to Uni, find a job that's thousands of miles away from home & that's when things really start to get screwed up in my big plan of life! Was it screwed up though that I fell in love with Matt? I don't think so! What was wrong was that he was taken from me, but did I bring that on myself or was it always meant to be that way from the day I drew my first breath? Did I change Matt's fate when I arrived in Cameron, or was it fate's intention to move me there? It's that point I dwell on over & over but no matter how long or hard I think about it I will never have the answer! Then what? I have Jude & that's not wrong! He's my life & the only piece of Matt that still lives on. Then there's Jeff, so simple yet I made it so complicated! Then Adam! What about Adam? God alone knows why I took it upon myself to ravish him in the parking lot at dusk that night, but I did! Out in the open, anyone could have walked around that corner & seen us but I just didn't care!
30 minutes later as we scrambled to put our jeans back on I started laughing for no reason other than I couldn't believe what we had just done!
"What?" He smiled as he fastened his boots back up.
"I dunno….this! It's fucking crazy!" I straightened my shirt & tried to tidy up my hair still chuckling to myself!
"Crazy as in 'funny' crazy or crazy as in 'what am I doing' crazy?" Adam stood up & shook the legs of his jeans over the tops of his boots.
"Both!" I smiled, "Don't you have a match tonight?"
"Nah just a run in but not for around…" he looked at his watch, "…half an hour yet!" He straightened the collar of his black shirt & started to fasten the buttons, covering up his amazing abs! I caught myself staring as his stomach disappeared behind the shirt & quickly turned away, feeling a little awkward again! School girlie! I fiddled with my clothes trying not to look at him!
"So…." He leaned back on his car again.
"So!" I smiled.
"Well I er…..guess I'd better go back in or Shane will be having a God damn heart attack!"
"Yep! You know Shane!"
"Right!" he stood up, "So, I'll um see you around then!"
"Yeah you probably will!" I smiled. He started to walk away, then stopped & came back.
"Bec I…..I…" he rubbed his forehead, one hand still in the pocket of his tight jeans. "Well I….." he rolled his eyes, grabbed me & kissed me passionately, moaning slightly when my tongue found its way into his mouth.
"I guess you'd better go then?" I said breathlessly when we parted.
"I don't have to! I mean HELL I have half an hour!" he grinned.
"Adam!" I laughed, "Go on! Get gone!" I playfully pushed him backwards. He kissed me again. "I said.." I pushed his face away from mine, "Go!" I giggled.
"Ok I'm going!" He held his hands up, "But….see me again Bec! Don't let's just walk away from this!"
I swallowed hard, "I dunno Adam I erm.."
"Please? Just, sometime, anytime! It doesn't have to be this week, this month even……..just say you'll think about it?"
I nodded, "I can't promise that I'll see you again, but sure I'll think about it!" I smiled & he kissed me again, "Now get in there before they come looking for you!"
"Ok!" he kissed me once more, "Aren't you coming?"
"No. I'm gonna stay out here & have a cigarette! I'll be in, in a little while!" I smiled.
"Ok see you then!" He smiled & started to walk away, holding on to my hand as he stepped backwards until both of our arms were outstretched. Slowly he let go, smiled, turned around & went back inside.
I puffed out my cheeks as I took another cigarette from the carton & went & sat on the step to smoke it!
"Oh how did I know you'd be out here?"
I jumped and looked up as Sasha came out of the exit. "I thought you were watching the show!" she sat down beside me & took the cigarette out of my hand.
"Don't change the subject!" She took a drag, "I knew you'd be out here when I passed Adam in the corridor grinning like a Cheshire cat!"
"Don't start!" I took the cigarette back from her.
"Start what? It was you who said you weren't seeing him again!"
"Have I missed Dwayne's match?"
"Bec!" she squealed, "Never mind Dwayne's match! What's goin on here?"
"Excuse me ladies!" we both looked up & then shuffled sideways. "Sorry Paul!" I smiled as he walked between us & went to his car. "God he's weird!" I whispered to Sasha.
"It's not gonna work!" she took out one of her own cigarettes & lit it. "I want some answers!" She exhaled, "Have you just been screwing Adam again or not?"
"Sasha!" I sighed, "Yes I just fucked Adam again so what?"
Her jaw dropped, "So what? Just like that?"
"Yeah and?"
She shook her head, "One off? Yeah that I can understand but two off? That doesn't work Bec I'm telling ya!"
"What are you talking about?"
"Ok let me explain this" She shuffled forward on the step, "Once & walk away, that's cool! Everyone does it at one time or another! But twice….well someone's gonna get hurt Bec & I'm worried about you! This isn't like you at all!" she patted my leg.
"Oh? And what is like me exactly? Boring? Predictable? And might I add, no sex life!"
"So that's what it is with Adam right? Just sex?"
"Yes!" I threw my cigarette onto the ground, "what's the problem?"
"No problem if you think you can handle that without either one of you getting involved!"
"I can handle it!"
"Ok!" She threw her cigarette down, "None of my business I'll butt out!"
"Sasha I didn't mean to be a bitch!" I sighed, "I'm sorry! You're right it was stupid & I shouldn't have done it!"
Sasha started to smirk, "Put a smile on his face though!" She nudged me & we both started to laugh!
"Fuck off! It's embarrassing!"
"Girl I just past him in the hall & believe me THAT is not embarrassing! Mind you, the day you start to screw around with things like that.." she gestured to Hunter walking back towards us, "Then you'll have something to be ashamed of!" we both giggled.
"There's no fear of that believe me!"
"Ah listen hun I don't mean to sound like your Mother or anything I just," she sighed, "I see the way you & Jeff are…" I rolled my eyes & turned away & she took hold of my hand, "I know! I Know! I sound like a broken frigging record & I'm sorry! All I want you to do is admit it!"
"Admit what?"
"How you really feel about Jeff! And don't give me any of your bullshit cause I'm not falling for it any more!"
"You want the truth?"
"Yeah come on hit me with it!"
"Ok!" I sighed, "Truth is my feelings for Jeff aren't that simple Sash!" I sighed again, "I dunno, it scares the shit out of me!" I looked at my feet, "It scares me & I don't wanna talk about it!"
"Aw sweetheart why the hell would it scare you? He's gorgeous! He's kind, he loves Jude….and he loves you too Bec!"
"It's all bullshit!" I mumbled.
"Oh come on it's totally obvious! Everyone can see it but you!"
"Sasha it scares the shit out of me because I don't really know how I feel about him! When I think about it my head gets all fucked up!"
Sasha put her arm around me, "So talk to me…..talk to him!"
"I can't! I need to get it sorted out up here….." I tapped my temple, "It's up to me! No one else can sort my head out but me!"
"So in the meantime you're just gonna fuck Adam?"
"Well I can think of worse pastimes!" I smirked and she squeezed me tightly!
"You!" She laughed. "Just be careful hun ok? It might be a pastime to you but maybe Adam sees it differently!"
"He doesn't! He's knows how it is!"
"Yeah for now! Who knows, one more time, two more times down the line & he might not feel like that!"
I'd never thought about it that way & she was right, I wasn't being fair to Adam, I was using him to feed my need for reckless abandonment!
"Ok come on! I need a beer! You up for it?"
"Count me in babe!" We both stood up, dusted off our asses & went back inside.