Lost, Confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")
Chapter 76
By the time I reached the gate I had an idea where Jeff would be so I set off down the road. My head felt a little woozy, I'd drank a lot but I didn't feel drunk. I knew I had to confront him & get this sorted out no matter how hard it was going to be to tell him I was leaving! My mind was made up about going back to England, I'd had enough of America & enough of Cameron to last me a lifetime & I was getting the hell out of there as soon as I possibly could, for his sake as well as my own sanity!
"Good call!" I stopped dead in my tracks, that voice making the hair on the back of my neck stand on end! "Going back to England……..I didn't think you were that sensible!" I still couldn't turn around, couldn't breathe!
"What do you want Mick?" I tried not to show the fear in my voice but when I spoke it was barely above a whisper!
"Nothin! Just hangin around!"
I slowly forced my body to turn around & there he was, leaning against a tree with his arms folded across his chest. "Go away!" I squeezed my eyes tight shut, but he was still there when I opened them again & I felt the tears welling up.
"What's the matter Bec? You look like you've seen a…….ghost?" he threw his head back & laughed…………and then he was gone! Just vanished! I spun around searching the darkness for any sign of him but there was none! I was going crazy I was sure of it! What other possible explanation could there be for all of this shit? My legs took over before my brain kicked in & I started to run blindly along the road, turning my head every few seconds to see if he was behind me, he wasn't.
I reached the huge iron gates of the cemetery & pushed them open slowly, my heart pounding in my throat & my legs on fire. Then the irony of it hit me, I was hiding from 'him' in a cemetery! Way to go! If I could have gotten a breath I'd have laughed out loud! I closed the gate & sank to my ass in the dirt. I pulled my knees up to my chest & sobbed! I felt sick & I suddenly scrambled to my feet & went to the hedge beside the gate where I proceeded to tip my guts into the grass, not very pleasant but I felt better for it. Once I'd gathered myself together I headed for Matt's grave, I was sure Jeff would be there, and I was right! He was on his knees with his head in his hands, Chris squatting beside him with one arm over his shoulder. I hung back in the shadows for a while, they were talking but I wasn't close enough to hear what they were saying. Chris must have heard something because he looked up in my direction so I had no choice but to step out where he could see me. He patted Jeff on the shoulder & gestured my way but Jeff didn't move. I took a couple of steps towards them & Chris stood up & headed my way.
"Hey!" he said quietly & put his hands in the pockets of his jeans.
"Hi" I looked at my feet, "is he ah ok?"
"Well he's wasted & talking crap but other than that………." He shrugged his shoulders.
A tear rolled down my cheek & I looked up at the stars. "Oh hey come on!" He put his arms around me. I rested my head on his shoulder & put my arms around his back. "We've all had a little too much to drink! Why don't we just go back to Jeff's and we can sort this out in the morning?" he rocked me gently.
"I'm ok!" I swallowed, "I'm ok!"
"You might be sweetheart but he's not ok!"
"Let me just talk to him Chris!"
"It won't do any good! He's completely off the frigging planet & it will only make things worse trust me!"
"Please! Just let me try! Please?"
He rolled his eyes, "OK, but don't say I didn't warn you!" I started off towards where Jeff still sat in the dirt. "And hurry up will ya I'm fucking freezing my ass off here!"
I wiped my face as I got close to Jeff & took a deep breath. "Hi!"
"What do you want?" his words were slurred together & I realized Chris was probably right!
"I want to talk to you!" I put my hand on his shoulder & he put his on top, but then slowly moved my hand & let it drop! I bit on my lip & tried to stop the tears coming again.
"I can't talk right now! I'm ah….I'm busy!" he laughed harshly.
"Jeff please!" He held up his hand & I stopped talking. I simply knelt down infront of him, I could feel the mud soaking through my jeans & it was freezing! "Talk to me!" I held his hands & this time he didn't stop me from touching him, instead he squeezed them tightly.
"I love you!" he whispered.
"I know you do but…"
"But you love Adam?"
"No Jeff! I don't love Adam! I just can't love you!" He nodded his head slowly, he still hadn't looked me in the eye, not once & that wasn't him! It was something he always did with whoever he might be talking to! Matt had been the same! "I can't love you because….." I sighed, "Because something bad will happen, I can't explain it, not now, not like this! But it's not because I don't want to love you!" I let go of one of his hands & touched his cheek, "I do want to love you Jeff but I just can't! I can't and I'm sorry!" I started to cry, "I'm so so sorry!"
He pulled on my hand & I shuffled my knees in the dirt so I was closer to him, then he took hold of the hand that was on his cheek & looked down at them in his lap. "Matt Hardy does it again huh?" he sniffed.
"No Jeff this has nothing to do with Matt! I swear to you!"
He nodded again, "Ok then," He sniffed & finally looked into my eyes, "So marry me!"
"What?"
"You heard me!"
"No Jeff!"
"Why not?"
"Guys I'm sorry to interrupt but can we go please?" Chris stamped his feet & rubbed his arms, "I would have just gone & left you to it but I have no idea where I am or how I get back to Jeff's place!"
"Yeah, come on Jeff! We can talk about this in the morning!" I stood up & Chris helped me get Jeff to his feet & between us we managed to drag him home.
Chapter 76
By the time I reached the gate I had an idea where Jeff would be so I set off down the road. My head felt a little woozy, I'd drank a lot but I didn't feel drunk. I knew I had to confront him & get this sorted out no matter how hard it was going to be to tell him I was leaving! My mind was made up about going back to England, I'd had enough of America & enough of Cameron to last me a lifetime & I was getting the hell out of there as soon as I possibly could, for his sake as well as my own sanity!
"Good call!" I stopped dead in my tracks, that voice making the hair on the back of my neck stand on end! "Going back to England……..I didn't think you were that sensible!" I still couldn't turn around, couldn't breathe!
"What do you want Mick?" I tried not to show the fear in my voice but when I spoke it was barely above a whisper!
"Nothin! Just hangin around!"
I slowly forced my body to turn around & there he was, leaning against a tree with his arms folded across his chest. "Go away!" I squeezed my eyes tight shut, but he was still there when I opened them again & I felt the tears welling up.
"What's the matter Bec? You look like you've seen a…….ghost?" he threw his head back & laughed…………and then he was gone! Just vanished! I spun around searching the darkness for any sign of him but there was none! I was going crazy I was sure of it! What other possible explanation could there be for all of this shit? My legs took over before my brain kicked in & I started to run blindly along the road, turning my head every few seconds to see if he was behind me, he wasn't.
I reached the huge iron gates of the cemetery & pushed them open slowly, my heart pounding in my throat & my legs on fire. Then the irony of it hit me, I was hiding from 'him' in a cemetery! Way to go! If I could have gotten a breath I'd have laughed out loud! I closed the gate & sank to my ass in the dirt. I pulled my knees up to my chest & sobbed! I felt sick & I suddenly scrambled to my feet & went to the hedge beside the gate where I proceeded to tip my guts into the grass, not very pleasant but I felt better for it. Once I'd gathered myself together I headed for Matt's grave, I was sure Jeff would be there, and I was right! He was on his knees with his head in his hands, Chris squatting beside him with one arm over his shoulder. I hung back in the shadows for a while, they were talking but I wasn't close enough to hear what they were saying. Chris must have heard something because he looked up in my direction so I had no choice but to step out where he could see me. He patted Jeff on the shoulder & gestured my way but Jeff didn't move. I took a couple of steps towards them & Chris stood up & headed my way.
"Hey!" he said quietly & put his hands in the pockets of his jeans.
"Hi" I looked at my feet, "is he ah ok?"
"Well he's wasted & talking crap but other than that………." He shrugged his shoulders.
A tear rolled down my cheek & I looked up at the stars. "Oh hey come on!" He put his arms around me. I rested my head on his shoulder & put my arms around his back. "We've all had a little too much to drink! Why don't we just go back to Jeff's and we can sort this out in the morning?" he rocked me gently.
"I'm ok!" I swallowed, "I'm ok!"
"You might be sweetheart but he's not ok!"
"Let me just talk to him Chris!"
"It won't do any good! He's completely off the frigging planet & it will only make things worse trust me!"
"Please! Just let me try! Please?"
He rolled his eyes, "OK, but don't say I didn't warn you!" I started off towards where Jeff still sat in the dirt. "And hurry up will ya I'm fucking freezing my ass off here!"
I wiped my face as I got close to Jeff & took a deep breath. "Hi!"
"What do you want?" his words were slurred together & I realized Chris was probably right!
"I want to talk to you!" I put my hand on his shoulder & he put his on top, but then slowly moved my hand & let it drop! I bit on my lip & tried to stop the tears coming again.
"I can't talk right now! I'm ah….I'm busy!" he laughed harshly.
"Jeff please!" He held up his hand & I stopped talking. I simply knelt down infront of him, I could feel the mud soaking through my jeans & it was freezing! "Talk to me!" I held his hands & this time he didn't stop me from touching him, instead he squeezed them tightly.
"I love you!" he whispered.
"I know you do but…"
"But you love Adam?"
"No Jeff! I don't love Adam! I just can't love you!" He nodded his head slowly, he still hadn't looked me in the eye, not once & that wasn't him! It was something he always did with whoever he might be talking to! Matt had been the same! "I can't love you because….." I sighed, "Because something bad will happen, I can't explain it, not now, not like this! But it's not because I don't want to love you!" I let go of one of his hands & touched his cheek, "I do want to love you Jeff but I just can't! I can't and I'm sorry!" I started to cry, "I'm so so sorry!"
He pulled on my hand & I shuffled my knees in the dirt so I was closer to him, then he took hold of the hand that was on his cheek & looked down at them in his lap. "Matt Hardy does it again huh?" he sniffed.
"No Jeff this has nothing to do with Matt! I swear to you!"
He nodded again, "Ok then," He sniffed & finally looked into my eyes, "So marry me!"
"What?"
"You heard me!"
"No Jeff!"
"Why not?"
"Guys I'm sorry to interrupt but can we go please?" Chris stamped his feet & rubbed his arms, "I would have just gone & left you to it but I have no idea where I am or how I get back to Jeff's place!"
"Yeah, come on Jeff! We can talk about this in the morning!" I stood up & Chris helped me get Jeff to his feet & between us we managed to drag him home.