Deacon
He loaded as much wood as he could carry into his arms and headed back into the house. He set it in the firewood rack. He could hear Rayna talking to Luke, although he couldn't hear what she was saying. He went back over and looked out the window. It was a full on blizzard. He really had never seen snow come on that fast and that much. He wasn't sure whether Rayna would be able to get out or not or even if she could drive up the interstate.
Rayna
She watched as Deacon brought in more wood for the fire. He raised his eyebrows at her, then turned and put the wood in the firewood rack. She also heard Maddie and Levi's footsteps clattering down the stairs. Luke was being understanding, but she could tell he was a little put out. It wasn't snowing there, so she could somewhat understand.
"It's snowing! Can we go outside?" Maddie shouted out from behind her.
She turned away. "Look, I need to go, okay? I'll keep you up to date."
"Fingers crossed for sooner rather than later," he said. "I love you, babe."
"I love you too," she said, keeping her voice low. Then she put the receiver down and hung up. She stood for a moment, hearing the clamoring of her kids behind her and Deacon's voice talking to them. She breathed in deeply and then turned around. "Did I hear something about snow?" she said, smiling.
Levi ran over to her and pulled at her hand. "Yes, yes, it's snow!" he cried. She looked down at her sweet baby boy. He wasn't a baby anymore, of course, but he had kept the good-naturedness he'd had as a baby – so unlike his stubborn older sister – so she still sometimes thought of him that way.
She smiled at him. "Yes, it looks like it is," she said.
"Can we go out?" Maddie asked. Levi was jumping around, obviously keyed up about the snow.
She looked at Deacon, then back at the kids. "Ask your dad," she said.
"Go put on your coats and stuff," Deacon said. "We'll go out for a little bit, but it's really snowing a lot, so we probably won't stay out there long."
Maddie and Levi turned and ran for the stairs, shouting happily about snow and snowmen and snow angels.
She was standing at the doors, watching Deacon with Maddie and Levi. They had quickly given up on the snowman, so they were just throwing snowballs at each other. The snow wasn't letting up at all. She turned and walked back over to the TV to watch the weather news. It didn't sound good. It was unexpected, they were reporting, something that was obvious. It was snowing from just south of the Kentucky border up to around Ft. Knox. If she could get that far, it was fine the rest of the way to Lexington, at least for the time being. But it was actually getting that far that posed a problem. They were already calling for people to stay off the roads, due to the conditions and mounting accidents, with near white out conditions.
Just then the doors opened, and Deacon, Maddie and Levi tumbled in. She could see that they'd left their coats and gloves and boots outside and she could feel the cold air as it rushed in.
Levi rushed over to her. "Mommy, mommy, mommy, it's snowing!" he yelled. She reached for him and even with gloves on, his little hands had gotten cold. She rubbed them between her own.
"Are your hands cold?" she asked.
He shook his head. "No."
She smiled at him. "Yes, they are. Why don't you go stand by the fire and warm them up?"
"Okay!" He ran over and stood next to Maddie, who was already there.
She looked at Deacon. He still had snow in his hair, although it was melting, and his face was red from the cold. He nodded towards the TV. "Anything new?"
She wrapped her arms around herself. "They're saying it's snowing like this from about 20 miles north of Nashville to just south of Lexington. And, of course, they want people to stay off the roads."
"What do you want to do?" He looked back over his shoulder, then at her again. "It's pretty bad, for driving anyway, it looks like. Unless it stops pretty soon, you're probably not going to be able to get out."
She bit her lip. "Maybe I should try now before it gets worse."
He shook his head. "I don't think you should. I know you want to, but I think it's too dangerous. They say how long this could go on?"
She sighed. "The way it looks, pretty much all day. And eventually it'll get farther north." It made her feel anxious and uncertain what she should do. She wanted to blame Deacon for not being flexible about the holidays. If he had let her take the kids, they would have flown to Lexington with Luke and there wouldn't have been an issue. It probably wasn't fair to do that though. It's not like he knew this would happen.
"Well, I was gonna fix some lunch. Grilled cheese and tomato soup. You wanna eat with us and then see how things look?"
She looked past him and out the doors, but she was pretty sure it wasn't going to get better. She wasn't really sure what she was going to do. Staying at the cabin seemed like it would be uncomfortable. She looked back at him. "It probably would be smart." She hoped maybe things would let up after lunch, although she wasn't confident. "Can I help?"
Deacon
The soup was simmering on the stove and he and Rayna had developed somewhat of an assembly line for the sandwiches. The snow was still falling at a significant rate outside, and Maddie and Levi were entertaining themselves in front of the fire. Rayna had insisted that the TV stay tuned to the weather – and the kids had protested loudly – but everyone had settled into their place.
She was buttering bread and adding cheese. "Gosh, I don't think I've done this in ages. I always forget about grilled cheese sandwiches."
He smiled. "I make 'em every time the kids are over. They think I'm a master chef at grilled cheese."
She made a face. "Well, as I recall, you kind of are." Grilled cheese had been a regular feature when they were starting out. They could buy day old bread and store brand cheese and make an inexpensive meal. Pairing it with tomato soup came a little later, when they'd seen it on the menu in a diner. "Do you remember how many grilled cheese sandwiches we ate?"
"Well, I don't remember how many total, but I do remember it was a lot." He grinned. "Maybe that's why you forget about it."
"That could be it." She handed over the sandwiches and he started grilling them in a cast iron skillet. She turned and looked out the windows. He glanced over and could see the worry on her face. She looked back at him. "It's not looking good, is it?"
He shook his head. "No, it don't." The snowstorm was completely unexpected, but he wondered if it could be a gift. Maybe, if she couldn't get out, they'd have a chance to really talk to each other. He had no illusions about anything changing between them, but he had come to realize that they did need to talk about all that had happened between the two of them. They mostly avoided talking about things that could cause conflict, focusing on their kids, being cordial and polite to each other.
Carmen stood with her arms crossed over her chest, a frown on her face. He had just told her he thought they should end whatever this was they were doing. She didn't necessarily agree, but he could tell she wasn't going to push. "You know, I still think we could have some fun together, and maybe even more than that. But I think the real issue, for me or any other woman you choose to get involved with, is that no one compares to Rayna." He started to interrupt but she waved him off. "I don't know what happened between the two of you. I'm guessing the two of you are the only ones who really know that."
"I don't talk about that stuff, Carmen. You know that."
"I do know that. But you're so dismissive about it that it makes me wonder. It feels like there's something unresolved and you're just closing yourself off which, as you know, is one of your less endearing qualities. You should probably talk about it. To somebody. Or it's gonna eat you alive."
He had disagreed with her at the time, but then the more he'd thought about it, he had to wonder. He and Rayna had fought, but never really resolved things between them. He got tired of fighting and left, which he realized was something he'd done before. As an alcoholic, he would often walk away to avoid the fallout, the arguments, the disappointment. It was one of the things Rayna had fought with him the most about. When things get tough, you get gone. It was a habit. He usually shut her out, but when they did argue about it, she always got defensive, at least from his perspective.
Maybe they did need to talk and at least clear the air. A lot of things had changed for him, and he needed to talk to her about that anyway, but maybe they could go back and heal some of the hurt from the time he'd started out on his solo career journey. This could be their chance.
She interrupted his thoughts. "I'm going to put soup in bowls, if you can put the sandwiches on plates," she said, looking at him.
He nodded. "I can do that." She got 4 small plates from the cabinet and set them down next to him and then began to dish out soup. She took the bowls and set them on the table, then went back and got spoons and glasses. He put a sandwich on each plate and cut them on the diagonal, the way Maddie and Levi liked. He smiled as he thought about that. Maddie was the one who'd asked for that and, as with many things, Levi just copied her. As Maddie got older, she could sometimes get annoyed with her little brother following her around and copying her, but Levi adored her and never seemed to recognize her annoyance. They were different in many ways, but he loved them more than he'd ever thought he could love anyone. In all the craziness of the last 5 years, they were his center.
"Lunch is ready," Rayna called out. Maddie and Levi jumped up and ran to the table as he was setting the sandwiches at each place.
"Grilled cheese!" Levi shouted as he climbed up into a chair. He knelt on his knees. "I love grilled cheese!" he cried as he raised his arm up in the air and made a fist with his hand. Maddie rolled her eyes as she sat down.
"Sweetie, can you sit down?" Rayna asked Levi, and he did. She went to the fridge and got out the carton of milk, then looked over at him. "What do you want?"
"Water's fine," he said. She came back with 2 bottles of water and then poured milk for the kids. Then they finally all sat down and ate together. It felt like they were a family and he suddenly had trouble swallowing over the lump in his throat.
After lunch, she stood by the doors, just watching the snow outside. It was still coming down heavily. She had her arms wrapped around her waist and he could tell she was tense. As natural as she was around Maddie and Levi, she still seemed a little standoffish, especially around him. He knew this wasn't what she'd planned, and he assumed she was disappointed about not being with Luke. He walked up and stood beside her, jamming his hands in his pockets. She glanced over at him but didn't say anything.
"It don't look like it's letting up at all," he said.
She sighed. "No, it doesn't." She didn't look at him. "I'm not sure what to do."
"I think you're gonna have to stay here."
She looked down at her feet. "Maybe. Or maybe it will stop soon."
He felt a flash of irritation. Clearly she didn't want to be here. "Well, I don't think it's going to. And it ain't safe to drive in. Even if you could get to the highway, they're talking about shutting it down." He inclined his head quickly towards the TV. She looked at him then. "You're not gonna be able to get down the main road here. Everything's covered up." He breathed in. "What do you want to do?"
She didn't say anything for a long time. She looked back out the window. "I don't have a choice, it doesn't seem like. I'm going to have to stay overnight and see what it looks like in the morning." She didn't sound happy about it. "And I'll have to call Luke."
"He gonna be mad?"
She looked at him and frowned. "He'll be disappointed, Deacon. But he wouldn't want me to take chances. He'd be concerned about my safety."
"I'm concerned about your safety too, Rayna."
She moved her hands to her hips and gave him a look of defiance. "I don't think that's all it is," she said, then turned and walked away. He watched as she stood in front of the TV. It was a little too far for him to see what was in writing on the screen, but he saw the wide swath of white on the map and then they switched to a video of the highway, and it was covered with snow and wrecked cars. Her shoulders slumped a little and she walked over and picked up the phone.
Rayna
Luke was really not taking the news well and she was feeling a little annoyed. It was a snowstorm, after all, and it wasn't predicted to be like this. It wasn't as though she'd planned it on purpose. "I'm sorry, babe," she said, hearing the irritation in her voice. "As soon as I can get out of here, I will."
"This wouldn't be happening if you'd been able to bring the kids up."
She rolled her eyes. "That's true. But that's not what happened. And we have to deal with what is."
"So, you're going to stay overnight. With Deacon." His voice was filled with barely controlled rage. This was a side of him she didn't like. He still seemed jealous of Deacon, and he could never resist being snarky when it came to him.
"I'm going to stay overnight with my children, Luke. Deacon and I are not together." She rolled her eyes again. She had to keep her voice down so that Maddie and Levi didn't overhear her. "Look, it's not my fault..."
"I know, I know," he said, his voice softening, sounding more conciliatory. "I know I'm being an ass, but it's just that, well, I was really looking forward to spending the holidays at the farm with you and my kids." He chuckled. "We really are going to have to get these visitation schedules synced up."
She knew he was trying to be reasonable, but it somehow didn't ring as true as it probably ought to have. She couldn't shake the feeling she had that his petulance was really jealousy. "So I'll let you know when I can get out. Hopefully it'll let up and I can get out tomorrow."
"I want you to be safe, babe," he said. "I don't like it that you're having to stay, but I also don't want you to take chances." He let out a short laugh. "Just remember who your fiancé is."
She rolled her eyes again. "Of course. I'll talk to you in the morning." She hung up the phone, taking a couple of deep breaths before she turned around.
Deacon was watching her. "Everything okay?" he asked.
"Yep. Everything's great." And then she went into the kitchen and busied herself filling the kettle up with water for tea. As she waited for the water to boil, she got a mug and found a tea bag. She was actually surprised Deacon had any, since he normally didn't drink tea, but she didn't spend a lot of time thinking about it. Unless the snow melted overnight, she wasn't going to be able to leave even the next day. She felt tears in her eyes, but she wasn't exactly sure why. Yes, she was disappointed that her Christmas plans seemed to be falling apart. Just remember who your fiancé is. He could exasperate her with his insecurities where Deacon was concerned. It seemed as though ever since he'd found out about the divorce, he couldn't help himself from needling her about it. Even though he'd still asked her to marry him. And then anywhere she'd gone with him, with the exception of the beach trip, centered around some branding opportunity. He kept trying to talk her into doing the same, but it just felt like it went against her principles. Change can be good. And you look happy. That's what Tandy had said. And she's probably right.
She turned around and could see it was still snowing. When she looked at the clock, she could see it was almost 2:00. Things were just all wrong. She was in a place where she hadn't been in forever, it seemed, and it brought back so many memories. Her kids were here but she had no presents for them – everything was back in Nashville. And then there was Deacon. It felt uncomfortable.
Deacon walked up to her then. "Um, we're gonna decorate the tree. You want to help us?"
"Yes, Mom, please," Maddie said.
Levi ran over and grabbed her hand. "Please," he said, looking up at her with those puppy dog eyes that reminded her so much of his father's.
She hesitated for a moment, then set her cup of tea on the counter. "Okay, I'll help," she said. She looked at Deacon and he smiled and so she smiled back. She wasn't at all sure how she felt about all this. Then Levi dragged her over to where the boxes of decorations were and they all started to work on decorating the tree.
Deacon
He was standing out on the porch. It was freezing, so he was wearing a heavy jacket, his hands jammed into the pockets, but he was still shivering a little bit. It was late afternoon and the sky was darkening rather rapidly. The snow had mostly stopped, just a few passing flurries here and there. He could see his shadow from the light behind him. It had been a weird day. Rayna had not been able to leave to drive up to Luke's place, which he wasn't necessarily unhappy about. When that became obvious, it initially made things a little awkward, but during the course of the day it seemed that they had become more comfortable and relaxed with each other. They'd made lunch together, decorated the tree with the kids, and put presents underneath. Shortly they would make dinner and then probably sit around the fire until it was time for the kids to go to bed. It had felt like it would have if they'd been a family. A real family, not just that 'we're family' stuff he and Rayna said to each other these days. That always hinted at a deep connection, one they'd had in the past, but hadn't had in the last several years.
When he'd really dug deep and explored what had happened between them, he recognized that he'd been cold and dismissive. He'd thrown her away, as though she meant nothing, which actually was not the case at all. He'd been selfish and hurtful. He had paid for it too, in many different ways, something he probably deserved. And he feared that she would never forgive him.
He felt a clenching in his gut when he thought about the time they'd lost. All on him, he knew that. He closed his eyes for a second. He wished with all his heart that they could fix it. They couldn't go back or erase the past, but that didn't mean the future was carved in stone, even if Rayna did have that big diamond on her hand. Except that he was sure he'd screwed things up so badly that she would never open herself back up to him.
He heard the doors open behind him and he turned. She stood there, wrapping herself in her arms. "Isn't it cold out here?" she asked.
He gave her a half smile. "It is."
"Well, come inside. We're making hot chocolate." She took a step back and he walked back into the house, closing the doors behind him.
Rayna
She was standing at the kitchen island getting hot chocolate fixings together. She could see him standing out on the porch. She glanced down quickly at the ring on her left hand, then back at him. It had been a strange day. They'd been polite to each other, cordial and pleasant. As it became clear that she wasn't going to be able to get out, things seem to thaw out a little more. The smiles felt more genuine, the banter seemed more natural. That sense of family seemed more real.
She had loved Deacon for what felt like her whole life. That she knew for sure, although she wished it weren't true. He'd hurt her over and over during their lives together. She wasn't sure her heart could take more pain. But then there was Luke and he had made her feel like she didn't have to be tied to that past anymore. There was no pain, no disappointment, just a feeling of being settled. She had needed to move on, she knew that, but casual relationships hadn't been the answer. She had needed something real. Luke had his quirks, sure, but they had a healthy relationship. Still, she'd struggled with how much it had felt like she, Deacon and the kids were a family as they decorated the tree and the kids went out in the snow and they made lunch together.
She'd spent that first year after Deacon left in a hormonal mess that resulted in her behaving in ways she hadn't wanted to, being needy and even begging. But once that had all subsided, what she felt was anger. Fury. Rage. They were also trying to be civilized for their children, but she had acted out in other ways. In the last year, they'd finally seemed to find a middle ground, a way to coexist that was respectful. It was hard to hate someone who loved her children the way he did.
This was what she'd always wanted. It was what they'd talked about for years. She didn't want to keep thinking about it, but she couldn't help it. She took a deep breath. She heard the tea kettle whistle, indicating the water was ready, and she took it off the stove. She had mugs with cocoa mix and marshmallows in them. She walked around the island and opened the sliding doors. He turned to look at her.
"Isn't it cold out here?" She wrapped her arms around herself.
He gave her a little smile. "It is."
"Well, come inside. We're making hot chocolate." It seemed like he hesitated a second and she smiled at him. Then he walked back into the great room and closed the doors behind him as she headed back to the kitchen.
Deacon
He was sitting on the edge of Maddie's bed, watching her fighting sleep. He smiled. "It's okay to go to sleep, sweet girl."
She shook her head, her eyes half-closed. "I don't wanna go to sleep," she whined.
He chuckled. "Why not?"
"Because. There's snow outside."
"I think it'll still be there tomorrow."
"And Mom's really gonna still be here?"
He nodded. "Yeah."
She smiled, forcing her eyes open. "I like us all together, Dad."
He didn't know quite what to say, so he just smiled. That seemed to take everything out of her, and she let her eyelids close, and she was asleep. He sat watching her, thinking about what she'd said. This was the most time he'd spent with Rayna in years. He'd see her at drop off and pick up and at the kids' activities, mainly Maddie's, but this had been most of the day and now it would be overnight too. And maybe longer, depending on the weather.
This had surely not been what they'd planned. He missed his kids. Rayna was good about letting him see Maddie and Levi, but it wasn't the same as being with them all the time. He'd stayed away from really serious relationships, looking, he guessed, for something he wasn't finding. He didn't know what he'd been waiting for, but when Rayna had started dating Luke, it had bugged him. Back when they were all on the state fair circuit, Luke was always hanging around, smiling at Rayna, flirting with her. It made him angry, and it would make him drink and then Rayna would read him the riot act for being 'an idiot'. But when they got engaged, it was almost more than he could handle. He didn't like Maddie and Levi spending time with him.
He also knew he only had himself to blame. He'd had Rayna, loved her more than his own life. He knew he was being foolish and stubborn, but the idea that he would always just be standing alongside her, not good enough for his own career, and her making all the decisions in both their personal and professional relationships had burned him. So, he'd left. Left her, left her band, left Maddie. He had wavered just for a moment when Rayna had told him she was pregnant with Levi. He'd stuck by his guns though.
She had told him, at the time, that since he was the one who'd wanted out, that he needed to be the one to file for divorce. He'd even gone to an attorney, after Levi was born, who'd drawn up some tentative papers, but he'd never acted on it. He wasn't really sure why, except that there had been no compelling reason to finish it. Initially she had pestered him some to get it done, but eventually she stopped. At least until she started seeing Luke and it quickly became serious.
"Okay, so my relationship with Luke is getting serious and I need something to happen on the divorce front," she said. "I've stopped expecting you to do it, so I got a lawyer, and we'll file outside of Nashville, to hopefully keep the chatter down." She sighed. "It's hard to believe it's truly come to this, but I know now that it's what's best. For both of us."
The truth of the matter was that he'd made a mistake. But the longer it went on, the harder it was to admit it. When he had told Levi good night that night, his little boy had hugged him tight. Then he'd whispered against his chest, "I'm so glad Mom's here too." He couldn't speak over the giant lump in his throat. They had taken the family away from their kids. He shook his head. He had been the one. It was all on him.
This was the first time Rayna had been to the cabin since he'd walked away. She'd been upset that he wouldn't let her take the kids with her to Luke's. She had agreed to bring the kids to the cabin, since he was coming from Chicago, even though it was inconvenient for her. And now she was stuck. He rubbed his hands over his face and focused his attention on his sleeping daughter. He wanted his family back.
He got up and walked out of the room, turning out the light and gently closing the door. There was still light coming from Levi's room, and he headed that way. When he reached the doorway, he saw her sitting on the side of the bed, much like he had, and she was watching their sleeping son.
Rayna
She reached out and very gently ran her fingers over Levi's hair. He frowned in his sleep for a second but didn't wake. Not that she had expected him to. He and Maddie had been bouncing off walls all day and they both had fallen asleep easily. Everyone told her that Levi looked like her and she knew that was mostly true. His hair had lightened a bit over the years so that it was a beautiful reddish brown, a cross between hers and Deacon's, but his eyes were Deacon's. The color, but also the depth she saw there. It was like looking into Deacon's eyes, just like with Maddie. His personality was more like hers, but as he'd gotten older and spent more time with his father, she could see him picking up on some of Deacon's characteristics. She still thought of him as her baby and she loved that he still liked to cuddle with her. It had been tough going through her pregnancy without Deacon there and so she knew she was a little more protective of him.
She loved watching him sleep, but she needed to turn out the light. She got up from the bed and turned. She was startled to see Deacon standing at the door. "He asleep?" he whispered.
She nodded and smiled. "Out like a light."
He smiled. "Maddie too."
She approached the door and he stepped back to let her pass. He turned out the light and then pulled the door shut. They walked together downstairs to the great room. She stopped and turned towards him. "Do you realize that's the first time we've put both kids to bed together?"
He frowned. "That can't be true. I've dropped them off at bedtime before."
She shook her head. "That's all you've done. You've told them good night and then left." She was surprised that she wasn't really angry about it anymore, just sad. And surprised, too, that it had never happened before. He looked away, but she caught a look on his face that seemed to be a mix of hurt and dismay. He walked over to the couch and sat. She followed and sat down as well. "I didn't mean to upset you by saying that. I was just surprised when I realized it."
He gave her a little nod, then looked over towards the fire. After a few moments he turned back to her. "I'm sorry."
She breathed in deeply. "It is what it is, I guess. We're not together. There's really no reason we would have."
He frowned. "I wasn't there. I wasn't around." He sighed. "They're good kids."
She smiled and nodded. "Yes, they are."
"You done good, Ray."
"It's not just me, Deacon. You've always been present for them. I've always appreciated that. You always took fatherhood seriously and they love you so much." She gazed at the fire.
He sat forward, resting his arms on his legs. "I shouldn't've been such a jackass about switching up where they were. Then you wouldn't of gotten stuck here. I'm sorry."
"There was no way to know this would happen. And they'd been so excited about coming up here for Christmas, I would have hated to disappoint them." She smiled a little. "We'll work it out later." She smoothed one of the pillows with her hand. "I can sleep out here. Or with Maddie."
He shook his head. "No. You can sleep in the bedroom. I'll sleep out here."
Deacon brought out a pillow and blanket and set them next to the couch. He had insisted she sleep in the bedroom, although she'd told him she could sleep with Maddie. She watched as he made hot chocolate for the two of them. When he was finished, he turned out the light in the kitchen and the room was dark, except for the fire and the twinkling of the tree lights. All the Santa presents had been put together and put away and were waiting for Christmas morning and two children who would be wild with excitement. That had given them something to do to avoid any heavy conversation, although it didn't mean that wouldn't happen at some point. Outside it was lightly snowing again, after a freezing cold day had made the snow from the blizzard feel like ice. He handed her a mug, then sat on the couch as well, next to her, but with appropriate separation between the two of them.
"I think, in spite of everything, it's been a good day," he said.
She smiled and then took a sip of the hot chocolate. "They've been chattering about coming up here for days. Maybe weeks." She laughed. "They do love spending time with you."
He smiled a little sadly. "I love spending time with them," he said quietly. "I know it's been harder this year, but it's still been worth it."
"We're busy people. We do our best and I think they get it."
He was quiet for a long time, leaning forward and staring at the fire. She just watched him, thinking that it had been a really long time since they'd spent this much time together. It had been a day – and night – of firsts for their family. Putting the kids to bed, eating lunch and dinner together, decorating the tree. Several times during the day she'd caught him looking at her with almost a look of longing, it seemed to her. And she couldn't deny that the air had felt heavy around them. He could still affect her.
"I quit the Revel Kings," he said, breaking the silence.
"What?" She wasn't expecting him to say that.
He nodded. "I did. I quit."
"Why? I thought you enjoyed it."
He shrugged, then sat back against the couch. "It was okay. It was fun at the beginning, I guess, doing something different, but you know, it was Cy. It don't take much Cy to be too much. Plus the time. Not having as much time for Levi and Maddie." He looked over at her. "I didn't really want to do it in the first place, but I didn't have no choice."
She frowned. "I don't understand."
He closed his eyes and ran his hands over his face, then looked back at her. "Belcourt dropped me. After I got back from that last tour. The second album wasn't selling. Nothing was really tracking on radio. The usual."
"Deacon, I didn't know that. Why didn't you tell me?" She felt a pang of disappointment for him. And an immense sadness that he hadn't confided in her. They were still family, after all, or at least so they said to each other.
"I don't know. It was kinda embarrassing, I guess. But I ran into Cy, and he invited me to fill in for Jimmy for a few dates and then after that the band asked me to join. When Jimmy didn't come back. It was easier to just say I made a choice. You know, after everything."
"What do you mean, after everything?"
He sat up and turned towards her. "I thought I needed to be on my own, do things my way. I thought I was gonna make it finally and I needed a clean slate. I burned my bridges and made my own decisions and I thought that was gonna work. But I had to face up to the idea that I wasn't really cut out for that after all." Suddenly he looked like he wanted to cry. "I never thought, back then, that we'd ever be in this place." His voice was soft, as though if he spoke louder he might not be able to speak at all.
She felt a lump in her throat. "Me either."
He looked towards the ceiling and tried to laugh but failed. "I just disappointed you again, though."
She wanted to pick her words carefully. "I was disappointed, that's true. I just wish...well, I just wish we had really talked about... everything." She took a deep breath. "Instead of you talking about it with Rita."
He looked at her then and it took her breath away. His eyes were filled with such pain and guilt and heartache. "It really hit me hard, all that. All the things people said about how I'd missed my chance. It meant a lot to me to have people believe in me and want me to be successful." He breathed in, a shuddering sound. "I guess Rita told me the things I needed to hear. That I wanted to hear." He sighed. "I thought you didn't have faith in me."
She breathed in. "I did have faith in you, Deacon. I never lost faith in you. But I saw things that worried me, patterns we'd gone through before."
He frowned. "I get it now. I stayed on the path though." She understood what he meant, that he'd promised her sobriety and kept his promise. "But I was ashamed."
She held her breath. "You were?"
He nodded. "The things I said – and I meant 'em then – and how I felt like you were holding me back. That you wanted to control everything. That I wasn't good enough. I mean, it hurt, Rayna. It hurt like hell to hear all people saw me as was your sideman. Not good enough on my own. And it felt like you thought the same."
"I never saw you that way. Not ever. I just wish, well, I wish you'd talked to me more about it. I didn't understand what was going on. Maybe if you'd just talked to me about the things Rita was telling you, how it made you feel." The words hung in the air. It felt like something had broken apart between them. Like the wall they'd put up was starting to crumble. She was holding her breath, not sure what she was waiting for.
"Mom?" It almost felt like she'd been caught in another world. Maddie's voice had brought her back to the present. She turned and looked towards the entrance to the great room where Maddie stood. She could feel Deacon stand up from the couch. For a second she felt a weird sense of disappointment, but then it was gone. She gestured for Maddie to come over.
"What's the matter, sweet girl?" she asked, as Maddie sat next to her. She put her arm around her daughter and Maddie nestled into her.
"I had a bad dream," Maddie said, her voice soft and fragile sounding.
She frowned. "What kind of bad dream?"
Maddie sighed. "I don't know. I couldn't remember it but I felt so sad when I woke up."
She hugged Maddie close. "Oh, sweetheart, I'm sorry. I know how that is. I've had the same thing happen to me." She pulled back and looked at Maddie, her face lit by the waning firelight. Maddie's eyes looked sad, that same look Deacon sometimes got, and it looked like she wanted to cry. "How about I come sleep with you? You think that would help?" She gave her daughter an understanding smile. "Otherwise, your father was going to make me sleep out here on the couch." She looked back over her shoulder at Deacon, who just closed his eyes briefly, a wry smile on his face. She turned back to Maddie. "How about that?"
Maddie smiled then and nodded. "Yeah, okay," she said.
"Okay then. We can snuggle up together like we're having a sleepover." She stood up and Maddie did as well. "I'll get my suitcase and bring it upstairs and you can go ahead and get the bed warm for us." Maddie nodded and then headed back towards the stairs. She turned towards Deacon. "So, I guess we've got sleeping arrangements figured out." Her chest felt a little tight, but she thought it was for the best that Maddie kind of forced the change in arrangements. "Thanks for the offer of the bed though."
"Sure." He cleared his throat. "I'm sure she'll sleep better now."
She nodded. "Yeah," she murmured. She walked over to her suitcase and pulled up the handle. As she rolled it across the floor, she looked at him. "Good night." He just nodded.