Lost, confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")
Chapter 78
There was no point in me trying to get any sleep by the time I said goodnight to Chris! I stood outside my bedroom door for a while & ran my hand through my hair before going inside. Jeff was completely out of it, his arms and legs sprawled across the whole of the bed & snoring quietly. I went over & knelt on the floor beside him, leaving him was the hardest decision I'd ever had to make but the way I saw it there was no other option! I ran my fingers through his hair & rubbed my thumb lightly across his forehead, he didn't even stir! I leaned across him & lay my head on his chest, listening to his heart beating. He put his arm over me & gently rubbed my back but when I looked up he was still sound asleep! I smiled, kissed his lips gently & left the room.
Sasha & Dwayne were still asleep in the living room so I tip toed past them, grabbed my cigarettes & headed out onto the porch. It was sunny & fresh & the stupid birds sang in the stupid trees as if this was another normal day! I sniggered to myself, God how I needed to sleep if I was starting to bitch about the birds! I looked down at my clothes, caked with dry mud & stained green from the grass at the cemetery, I was a mess, I needed a shower, but more than that right then I needed a coffee! I finished my cigarette & went back inside to make a cup & hopefully wake me up a little!
I sat at the kitchen table with my hands wrapped around the hot cup infront of me. I could have quite easily gone to sleep sitting up in that chair! The broken door clattered against it's frame & a breeze blew through the room. I shivered & stood up to close it before the noise woke up Sasha & Dwayne but there was another noise, a buzzing, crackling noise that I'd only just noticed! I looked around the kitchen, switched off the microwave plug but the noise continued so I switched off the kettle, the corner light, the toaster, even the baby monitor but it was still there! I jumped as music started & I realized it must be Gilbert's old radio on the top of the fridge!
*So lately, been wondering
Who will be there to take my place *
My hand stopped in mid-air, hovering above the radio when I realized what song was playing. I sighed, tilted the radio forward slightly so I could reach the 'On-Off' switch but it was already turned to the 'OFF' position!
"Stupid old thing!" I murmered as I flicked the switch up & down.
*When I'm gone you'll need love
To light the shadows on your face *
The breeze blew through the smashed glass of the back door again & I shivered. I followed the cable with my hands, "Looks like it belonged to Fred fucking Flintstone anyway! I know what to buy him for….." I stopped mumbling to myself when my fingers curled around the plug! It wasn't even plugged in yet still the song went on! "Oh for fucks sake!" I grabbed the radio & yanked the cover off the battery compartment……………it was empty! No batteries! I gulped and stared at it in disbelief! "What the fuck?" I whispered & slowly placed it back on top of the fridge! My hands trembled & my heart rate doubled as I slowly looked around the kitchen, but I was alone!
The breeze got stronger, so strong that it took my breath away & I gasped & took a step backwards, the song continued to play. The room was filled with a familiar smell & I put my hands to my mouth as tears welled up in my eyes. I started shaking all over & my body was covered in goose bumps, I had to grab hold of the counter to steady myself I felt so dizzy. A warmth spread over my body sending tingles down my spine, it's hard to describe it, it's like the feeling you get when you hug a loved one that you haven't seen in a while! I closed my eyes, my breathing came in short sharp gasps & I felt something gently move my hair from my face. My eyes snapped open & I spun around but still I was alone & still The calling played on the radio, the radio with no power source! A few tears trickled down my cheeks & I felt something brush up against my face, but I wasn't scared any more! I felt relaxed suddenly, calm, like I'd just smoked a joint! It was bizarre!
"Matt?" I whispered as my tears became more of a stream! What happened next is virtually unexplainable! My whole body seemed to feel it, like he was inside of me, not sexually, but as if I'd actually breathed something into my lungs! I tingled all over! I leaned my back against the fridge & closed my eyes as I took long deep breaths. Then slowly it faded, just like that! I tried to hold my breath so the feeling stayed inside of me but I couldn't stop it from slowly draining from my body as if it was oozing from every pore!
"Don't go!" I whispered, but it was already gone! "No! Please!" I said breathlessly through my tears, "Please!"
"I need a coffee!"
I jumped, "Dwayne!"
"OOOW!" he grasped his head, "Not so loud!" he wandered past me & looked me up & down, "My my don't you look like the bunny in the headlights? What's wrong? OOW!" he grabbed his head again.
I was still gasping for breath, "N……..nothing……I……….I erm………did the radio wake you?"
"What radio?" he slumped into a chair & put his head in his hands. I turned and stared at the radio which was now silent!
"Oh…I…..I…..um…..I………" I ran a hand through my hair.
"Are you ok?"
I was still shaking so I put my arms around my chest & 'hugged' myself. "Im………….no…..I really need um a……..a shower or ah something!" I swallowed hard, "Help yourself to ah…..to a…..a…." I gestured to the coffee pot.
"Coffee?' He raised his eyebrows.
"Um yeah…a…..a…...coffee!" I forced a smile & gulped again.
"Has something happened? He stood up, "You're ok right?" He held out his arms to hold me but when he touched my shoulder I quickly shrugged him off. "Bec?"
I licked my lips, "Yeah I'm….I'm fine!"
"You're shaking! What's been going on here?" He rubbed my arm, "Is it Jeff? Has he…"
"No no it's not Jeff he's ah……he's asleep!" I gulped & the tears welled up in my eyes again so I looked up at the celing to try & stop them from falling. "It's not Jeff it's……..it's Matt!" I blinked and a tear rolled down my face.
"Come here!" He pulled me into his arms. "I know you still miss him honey that's perfectly natural!" I nodded my head in his chest, "But this is me you're talking to here! You don't have to try & hide that stuff around me you know that!"
"I know!" I sniffed, "I'm sorry!"
I never told him, hell I never told anyone! How could I explain what had just happened? I stood there in his arms for a few minutes, I loved being in his arms! He always seemed to make all the bad stuff go away somehow! I could have quite happily stood there for hours with his huge biceps wrapped around my back!
"I really need a shower!" I sniffed.
'Yeah you stink!" I looked up at him & smiled.
"Always the charmer Johnson!"
"Hey that's me!" he winked & smiled at me!
"You don't smell your usual sophisticated self this morning either!"
"Why doesn't that surprise me?" he groaned & rested his head on my shoulder hugging me again. "Was I bad?"
I sniggered, "Well I don't think Brittany Spears would have been impressed put it that way!"
He groaned, "I didn't?"
"Mmmm….that and many many more from The Rock's greatest Hits collection!" He pretended to cry on my shoulder & I laughed & stroked his head, "Aw have you got a hangover baby?" he nodded, "Serves you right!" he did his fake sob again & I smiled.
"Can I just stay here? It doesn't hurt as much!" He whined.
"You soft shite!" I playfully slapped his back & he slowly straightened up & rubbed his face. "What a hero!" I rolled my eyes. "Go & get a damn coffee while I have a shower!"
"Is there room for two in that shower?" He wiggled his eyebrows & I pursed my lips at him! "Bec?" I turned to face him, "Before you have a shower have you got a minute?"
"Sure!" he pulled out a seat for me so I sat down.
"There was a reason for me being a bit off last night!"
"I knew something was bugging you!" I took hold of his hand.
He puffed out his cheeks, "Well maybe I should have said something sooner but….well I thought there was a chance that…..ah well that doesn't matter now!" He rubbed his chin with his hand, "It's well…"
"Dwayne?" I wrinkled my brow, "What's wrong? This isn't like you! Just spit it out you're scaring me!"
He nodded, "ok…..um……ah…..how do I put this into words?"
Chapter 78
There was no point in me trying to get any sleep by the time I said goodnight to Chris! I stood outside my bedroom door for a while & ran my hand through my hair before going inside. Jeff was completely out of it, his arms and legs sprawled across the whole of the bed & snoring quietly. I went over & knelt on the floor beside him, leaving him was the hardest decision I'd ever had to make but the way I saw it there was no other option! I ran my fingers through his hair & rubbed my thumb lightly across his forehead, he didn't even stir! I leaned across him & lay my head on his chest, listening to his heart beating. He put his arm over me & gently rubbed my back but when I looked up he was still sound asleep! I smiled, kissed his lips gently & left the room.
Sasha & Dwayne were still asleep in the living room so I tip toed past them, grabbed my cigarettes & headed out onto the porch. It was sunny & fresh & the stupid birds sang in the stupid trees as if this was another normal day! I sniggered to myself, God how I needed to sleep if I was starting to bitch about the birds! I looked down at my clothes, caked with dry mud & stained green from the grass at the cemetery, I was a mess, I needed a shower, but more than that right then I needed a coffee! I finished my cigarette & went back inside to make a cup & hopefully wake me up a little!
I sat at the kitchen table with my hands wrapped around the hot cup infront of me. I could have quite easily gone to sleep sitting up in that chair! The broken door clattered against it's frame & a breeze blew through the room. I shivered & stood up to close it before the noise woke up Sasha & Dwayne but there was another noise, a buzzing, crackling noise that I'd only just noticed! I looked around the kitchen, switched off the microwave plug but the noise continued so I switched off the kettle, the corner light, the toaster, even the baby monitor but it was still there! I jumped as music started & I realized it must be Gilbert's old radio on the top of the fridge!
*So lately, been wondering
Who will be there to take my place *
My hand stopped in mid-air, hovering above the radio when I realized what song was playing. I sighed, tilted the radio forward slightly so I could reach the 'On-Off' switch but it was already turned to the 'OFF' position!
"Stupid old thing!" I murmered as I flicked the switch up & down.
*When I'm gone you'll need love
To light the shadows on your face *
The breeze blew through the smashed glass of the back door again & I shivered. I followed the cable with my hands, "Looks like it belonged to Fred fucking Flintstone anyway! I know what to buy him for….." I stopped mumbling to myself when my fingers curled around the plug! It wasn't even plugged in yet still the song went on! "Oh for fucks sake!" I grabbed the radio & yanked the cover off the battery compartment……………it was empty! No batteries! I gulped and stared at it in disbelief! "What the fuck?" I whispered & slowly placed it back on top of the fridge! My hands trembled & my heart rate doubled as I slowly looked around the kitchen, but I was alone!
The breeze got stronger, so strong that it took my breath away & I gasped & took a step backwards, the song continued to play. The room was filled with a familiar smell & I put my hands to my mouth as tears welled up in my eyes. I started shaking all over & my body was covered in goose bumps, I had to grab hold of the counter to steady myself I felt so dizzy. A warmth spread over my body sending tingles down my spine, it's hard to describe it, it's like the feeling you get when you hug a loved one that you haven't seen in a while! I closed my eyes, my breathing came in short sharp gasps & I felt something gently move my hair from my face. My eyes snapped open & I spun around but still I was alone & still The calling played on the radio, the radio with no power source! A few tears trickled down my cheeks & I felt something brush up against my face, but I wasn't scared any more! I felt relaxed suddenly, calm, like I'd just smoked a joint! It was bizarre!
"Matt?" I whispered as my tears became more of a stream! What happened next is virtually unexplainable! My whole body seemed to feel it, like he was inside of me, not sexually, but as if I'd actually breathed something into my lungs! I tingled all over! I leaned my back against the fridge & closed my eyes as I took long deep breaths. Then slowly it faded, just like that! I tried to hold my breath so the feeling stayed inside of me but I couldn't stop it from slowly draining from my body as if it was oozing from every pore!
"Don't go!" I whispered, but it was already gone! "No! Please!" I said breathlessly through my tears, "Please!"
"I need a coffee!"
I jumped, "Dwayne!"
"OOOW!" he grasped his head, "Not so loud!" he wandered past me & looked me up & down, "My my don't you look like the bunny in the headlights? What's wrong? OOW!" he grabbed his head again.
I was still gasping for breath, "N……..nothing……I……….I erm………did the radio wake you?"
"What radio?" he slumped into a chair & put his head in his hands. I turned and stared at the radio which was now silent!
"Oh…I…..I…..um…..I………" I ran a hand through my hair.
"Are you ok?"
I was still shaking so I put my arms around my chest & 'hugged' myself. "Im………….no…..I really need um a……..a shower or ah something!" I swallowed hard, "Help yourself to ah…..to a…..a…." I gestured to the coffee pot.
"Coffee?' He raised his eyebrows.
"Um yeah…a…..a…...coffee!" I forced a smile & gulped again.
"Has something happened? He stood up, "You're ok right?" He held out his arms to hold me but when he touched my shoulder I quickly shrugged him off. "Bec?"
I licked my lips, "Yeah I'm….I'm fine!"
"You're shaking! What's been going on here?" He rubbed my arm, "Is it Jeff? Has he…"
"No no it's not Jeff he's ah……he's asleep!" I gulped & the tears welled up in my eyes again so I looked up at the celing to try & stop them from falling. "It's not Jeff it's……..it's Matt!" I blinked and a tear rolled down my face.
"Come here!" He pulled me into his arms. "I know you still miss him honey that's perfectly natural!" I nodded my head in his chest, "But this is me you're talking to here! You don't have to try & hide that stuff around me you know that!"
"I know!" I sniffed, "I'm sorry!"
I never told him, hell I never told anyone! How could I explain what had just happened? I stood there in his arms for a few minutes, I loved being in his arms! He always seemed to make all the bad stuff go away somehow! I could have quite happily stood there for hours with his huge biceps wrapped around my back!
"I really need a shower!" I sniffed.
'Yeah you stink!" I looked up at him & smiled.
"Always the charmer Johnson!"
"Hey that's me!" he winked & smiled at me!
"You don't smell your usual sophisticated self this morning either!"
"Why doesn't that surprise me?" he groaned & rested his head on my shoulder hugging me again. "Was I bad?"
I sniggered, "Well I don't think Brittany Spears would have been impressed put it that way!"
He groaned, "I didn't?"
"Mmmm….that and many many more from The Rock's greatest Hits collection!" He pretended to cry on my shoulder & I laughed & stroked his head, "Aw have you got a hangover baby?" he nodded, "Serves you right!" he did his fake sob again & I smiled.
"Can I just stay here? It doesn't hurt as much!" He whined.
"You soft shite!" I playfully slapped his back & he slowly straightened up & rubbed his face. "What a hero!" I rolled my eyes. "Go & get a damn coffee while I have a shower!"
"Is there room for two in that shower?" He wiggled his eyebrows & I pursed my lips at him! "Bec?" I turned to face him, "Before you have a shower have you got a minute?"
"Sure!" he pulled out a seat for me so I sat down.
"There was a reason for me being a bit off last night!"
"I knew something was bugging you!" I took hold of his hand.
He puffed out his cheeks, "Well maybe I should have said something sooner but….well I thought there was a chance that…..ah well that doesn't matter now!" He rubbed his chin with his hand, "It's well…"
"Dwayne?" I wrinkled my brow, "What's wrong? This isn't like you! Just spit it out you're scaring me!"
He nodded, "ok…..um……ah…..how do I put this into words?"