"Damn, what a way to start a trip. I'm sorry, Soda. This wasn't my plan"

Soda pulled a plaid flannel shirt on as Steve hung up the phone, now finished talking to his dad. "Hey, it ain't a problem, and you know it. Shit doesn't pause just 'cause we left Tulsa."

Steve stared at the phone's rotary dial as he tried not to let the discouragement get a foothold. "I couldn't tell my dad I had a flashback. I don't want to make him worry about me when I'm far away. It doesn't seem fair."

"That's up to you, buddy. But I sure don't blame you. If it were me, I wouldn't tell anybody who's at home right now either."

Steve began pacing along the hotel room's cream-colored carpet, the memories that had taken him back still not feeling far enough away. "I just don't get it. I mean, I've been doing everything right. I talk to Laura every week. I take good care of myself. So what the hell is wrong with me? How could this be happening again?"

"There's nothin' wrong with you, and one flashback doesn't mean anything is happening again. It just means you got vulnerable to it for whatever reason."

"But what reason? How could I have that even once?"

"Maybe 'cause I was tellin' you about how I told Dr. Morgan what happened to you. Maybe 'cause we're in this unfamiliar place. Maybe 'cause we're in room fourteen."

"Huh? What's that have to do with anything?"

"Nothin'. I'm just tryin' to say there could be a reason or none that you can figure out. It's all right not to know exactly why. I'm sure you'd tell me that flashbacks just happen sometimes 'cause it's what they do."

"Yeah. You're right. It just scares me, man. I would hate to be in the place where this starts interrupting my life all the time again. Just the thought of it is terrifying."

"If it helps, that terrifies me too. As somebody who's watched you go through everything, it's scary as hell to imagine you havin' those memories get like they were. But I don't think they are. Honestly, Stevie, you're still in a great place. You used to have flashbacks a lot, and now, you go months where you don't. One bad moment ain't proof that anything is changin', and I'll tell you that as many times as you need to hear it."

Steve walked over to the window that gave them a simple view of the hotel parking lot, the busy lanes of KS-7 farther out in the distance. He let his head touch the glass as he felt a whisper of hope beat in perfect sync with the words of his best friend.

Soda stayed near Steve, one spirit communing with another as he took his hand in a gesture of support. "It always hurts me to see you have a flashback. But I could never wish to be anywhere else right now. Not just 'cause I know you need somebody. But also 'cause I want to be that person. It ain't like we don't get a lot of moments like this, but I think they're good for us. We connect in a real deep way about stuff that's important, so I'm glad we get to have them."

Steve felt Soda's hand squeeze his own, mindful of how what the other man was expressing converged with what he himself had said to Laura just two days earlier. "Me too. You know, on Easter, after we went to the school yard, I was really emotional with my dad too. I told him that I felt like all the work I've done to get where I am was coming apart. Something just felt like I had to be going backward."

"You're not though. Last summer, when you needed to be in the hospital, did that mean you went backwards or that all you're healing fell apart?"

"No. But I understood a lot more about what was happening inside me then. It was no wonder I was struggling."

"It'll come to you, buddy. But I bet the harder you try to see what's there, the more it'll hide from you. So just give yourself some time."

"Yeah. I guess I need to." Steve lifted his head from the window, his eyes looking through the glass and scanning the life of the town outside as he leaned against Soda. "And maybe I can do this. Maybe, no matter what happens, I don't have to come undone."

"Geez, Darry. You don't have to bite my head off. I just wondered if you were planning to go out tonight. That's all."

Darry scraped the beef out of the frying pan, stirring it into a pot of spaghetti as he replied to Pony. "Well, I'm not. Maryanne's busy, so I'm staying in."

Pony rolled up the poster he'd just been working on at the library, starting to take it and his backpack toward his room. "Lucky me. Soda left, and I get to be stuck at home with a grumpy big brother."

"Hey! You don't talk to me that way, Ponyboy Michael!"

"I wasn't even talking to you at all, and it's not my fault you're in a pissy mood."

"I never said it was, but you still don't get to be disrespectful."

"You were disrespectful to me first. What? Soda's gone, so you can act like your real self now?"

"Damn it. Don't say that to me." Darry tossed both the frying pan and spatula into the sink, the sound of a bang and a clatter filling the kitchen. "Just... don't."

"But it's what I see right now. I'm just telling you the-"

"No. I don't give a damn what you say about me. But don't you ever say he's gone."

"Soda? But he is? Until Sunday."

Darry wandered back over to the stove and turned off the burner before pulling on his shoes. "I need to take off for a little while. You can eat without me. It's fine."

"But where are you going?"

"I don't know. Maybe I'll just drive."

Pony watched as Darry took his keys, then headed out the front door. "I'm sorry if I said something wrong, Darry."

"Don't worry about it, Pone. I'm sorry I snapped at you. I'll be back later."

Pony saw the door close behind Darry, then heard the truck start up, not yet aware that he was witnessing his older brother's attempt to outrun the clutches of fear.

"Man, we just drove a few hours north, and it feels like a totally different planet."

Soda walked with Steve, the two now about five miles from the hotel and just inside the city limits of Overland Park, where department stores and restaurants lined the block that surrounded them. "Yeah. I guess everywhere feels a little different, especially if you're not used to bein' someplace else."

Steve looked around at the bustle of activity, teens and adults alike shopping and dining as children ran about on a nearby playground, complete with a baseball field. "I'm not sure if we'll stand out or blend in."

"Me neither. Tulsa ain't even busy compared to here. So what should we do first?"

"If TwoBit was here, he'd go into one of those fancy department stores and swipe a tie or something like that."

"Yeah. Anything he could manage to sneak out the door. That probably ain't our style though. Hey, how about we check out that place on the end?"

Steve's gaze followed the direction of Soda's pointing finger, seeing a sign that read Dave's Car Shop. "That sounds like something we ought to have in Tulsa. Let's go see what they've got in there."

"And after that, we should grab a bite to eat. The food we brought along ain't keepin' me full."

Steve chuckled as they went toward the shop, his mood now lighter than it had been earlier. "When does anything ever keep you full, buddy? You're like a bottomless pit when it comes to eating."

"Well, of course. I'm a growing boy, ain't I?"

"Nah. Not really. I don't think you can keep saying that when you're nineteen and a half, man."

Soda watched Steve as they walked, the crowd that milled around them practically invisible when it came to the concern he still had for his best friend. "So are you feelin' better now? You seem like it."

"Yeah. I'm fine. Not that I can't see why you'd be worried."

"Good. 'Cause I want you to be able to enjoy our trip."

"I definitely am, and yeah, those were some tough moments, but I think I've got my balance."

"I don't know why the hell I decided to come over here. You should be in there having dinner with your lady, not trying to fix your son's best friend's brother."

Nicholas joined Darry on the front porch steps, the younger man having shown up at his door just minutes earlier. "I really don't mind, Darry. I know you and I haven't exactly been close, but you can come to me if you need something. My son considers you a friend too."

Darry stared at his truck that he'd parked beside the curb, barely able to recall the drive that had led him to the Randles' house. "Nobody else I know could get this. Most of my old buddies aren't parents, and the couple that are have babies. But I'm the guy looking after one brother who's sixteen and another who's basically grown himself. Soda will turn twenty later this year. I talked to him earlier, and he's doing great. He's fine. There's nothing for me to be concerned over, yet here I am breaking down because he's out of my sight for a weekend."

"You're not used to being away from him. And you've had plenty to be concerned about since you first got custody of your brothers. That alone might be enough to make you worry. Not to mention, Sodapop's had a particularly rough year. If Steve had been away from me at certain times recently, I'm not sure I could've handled it either."

"But you're an actual parent. I was only three years old when Soda was born. He was sixteen when our parents died. So it's not like I raised him."

"No. But you became his guardian at a time in his life when he still needed a parent. Besides, you can be a brother who cares. You don't have to be any sort of parent to feel unsettled right now."

Darry shook his head, trying to stop the thoughts and images inside from whirling around as his anxiety continued to mount. "Damn it. I just don't know. Or I don't want to admit what I do. I didn't get it till Pony talked about him being gone, and I felt like my world might just crash around me right there in our kitchen."

"You didn't get what? What did Ponyboy say?"

"We were arguing. Fighting, really. I must've made him think I was being snappy with him because Soda wasn't there. He asked me if I was acting like my real self since he's gone. I almost lost it then. I don't like the word 'gone.' That makes it sound- I mean, he's just out of town. He's not gone."

"Were you snappy with Ponyboy because Sodapop's not home?"

"Of course not. At least not in the way he meant it. I'm not treating him differently 'cause Soda's not there to see it. I'm just tense because I don't like what this is making me think about."

"Which would be?"

"Nothing. Never mind." Darry suddenly got to his feet, the trepidation he felt on the verge of winning. "Thanks, Nicholas. But I, um, I really should go home and talk to Pony now. And I'm sure you need to get back to Audrey."

"I'm not in a hurry."

"Still." Darry turned, his back to Nicholas as he started to head toward the truck, hardly taking two steps before he paused. "This tried to come up a couple of months ago. But I didn't let it. I just kept it to myself, and it went away for a while."

Nicholas got to his feet as well, going to stand near the young man he'd known since he was nine years old. "Darry, I realize I'm not someone you've ever had much in common with, and it's not like I've been a great role model all your life either. I was just Steve's dad, and I could've done a lot better at that. But I think we do have things in common now."

"We do. Important ones."

"Yeah. And I know that night last year when Sodapop was struggling was different. But you talked to me then. You still can. There doesn't have to be a crisis going on."

"I know. Maybe that's why I came here. Even though you used to be the last person I'd never share anything personal with. Not long ago, Soda was the only one who got to see my emotional side. I couldn't have stopped him if I'd tried anyway."

"That doesn't surprise me at all."

Darry sat back down on the porch steps as Nicholas did the same. "I'm so shaken up about his being away on this trip. But I'm not just worried like a parent would be in the same situation. We could've lost Soda, and him not being near home makes me imagine how it would be if he never came back. I can't see him right now. Or talk to him whenever I want. He's not here. And when Pony said that he was gone, it felt like saying he's dead. But Soda didn't die. I know that. He's just in Kansas. But he was just at work the night he got shot. He was just there at the DX. And I had no reason to think anything was wrong then either. It was though, and if things had happened any differently, he would be gone. Gone and never coming home again."

Nicholas heard Darry's voice crack on the last few words, the elder man quick to touch his shoulder even as he was hesitant to do more. "I want you to know how sorry I am that Sodapop ever got hurt. I think about that night pretty often myself. I know it's much worse for you, but I can still understand how those are the kinds of memories that never go away."

"Yeah. They are. I think they'll always stay." Darry wiped at his eyes, taking a breath that he hoped would force the tears back inside. "I don't want Soda to know I'm like this because he should be able to go and leave town for a little bit. It shouldn't be a big deal, and it wouldn't be fair to make him feel like it is."

"Something tells me he would understand, Darry, and he'd do or say anything that might help."

"Of course he'd understand 'cause that's Soda. And he knows how much I love him. I tell him that all the time now, you know? Even if he doesn't say it first."

"I can actually relate to that very well. Maybe it's different with siblings, but I tell Steve I love him much more often now too."

"I guess fear will really bring out that part of you, especially when you've lost people already."

Nicholas saw how Darry was looking down, the tears in the other man's eyes still visible as he fought for control. "You know, I've cried a lot these past couple of years. It always helped too. I'm sure Steve would say it gives the pain a place to go or something like that."

Darry turned his head, an attempt to hide it as he felt a tear fall down his cheek. "I'd agree if we weren't talking about me. I barely even know you. If I'm being honest, until recently, I didn't like you at all."

"Which means you like me now then. And I don't blame you for how you felt. I wasn't too crazy about me either." Nicholas put one arm around Darry's shoulders, slowly drawing him close before wrapping the other arm around him as well. "Maybe you and I don't know each other in a way that makes us close, but I still care about you. I know you've been there for my son too, and there's nothing I appreciate more than that."

Darry leaned into the embrace, finding more comfort than he had expected. "It's been a long time since anyone hugged me. Well, my brothers do, but I mean anyone who's older. I haven't had that since my mom and dad died."

"I realize you were nineteen when they passed away, but I can't help thinking you were a kid too. One who still needed a parent as much as Sodapop and Ponyboy did." Nicholas held Darry for a few moments longer, squeezing him in solidarity amidst the layers of common ground they shared. "And I know I'm not your dad or even anywhere near it, but I can be here for you, especially when it comes to your brothers."

Darry felt Nicholas release him, nodding as he dried his eyes. "Yeah. I'd like that. So I'll, um, let you get back to your dinner now. I do need to go home and talk to Pony. I was a jerk to him earlier."

Nicholas rose to his feet along with Darry, his hand reaching to grip the younger man's shoulder one last time. "You've had a lot on your shoulders for the past few years, and as much as I know I can't undo any of that's happened, I just want to say that you never have to carry the weight alone."

"Yeah, that was a really tuff place. Me and you should open up one just like it. We could call it Steve and Soda's."

Soda dug into the chicken wings he and Steve had decided to share at the cafe around the corner from Dave's Car Shop. "Hey, how come your name gets to come first?"

Steve licked sauce from his fingers, the tangy taste of barbecue on his tongue as he thought of what their own shop could look like, imagining displays of automobile replicas and walls decorated with history. "Aw, whatever you want, man. Your name can come first. It could even be Curtis and Randle's. It's a car buff's dream, that's for sure."

"Yeah. Dave must really be one of those to even know all that stuff. I'd like to have my own mechanic shop somebody, one where I can run it, do repairs, and everything."

"Hey, then I can counsel all of your customers that need it."

"Right, Stevie. I'd be sure to put your card at my front desk so everybody can see it when they come in."

"Man, I'm trying to picture a world where it's normal to take a counselor recommendation from your mechanic. Even I'm still in a place where I wouldn't go out and tell people I see one."

"I wouldn't either. 'Cause it ain't looked at in the way it should be."

"So maybe we need to help change that, huh?"

"I think we already are."

"Yeah." Steve glanced around the cafe that had become more crowded since they first came in, customers lining up to order, then taking the booths and tables, each person with their own unique views and perspectives. "Can I ask you something, Soda?"

"Sure. Is anything wrong?"

"No. It's just that what we were talking about, it made me wonder what you thought when I first started seeing Laura. How did you look at it?"

"What do you mean? I was the one to tell you I thought you should go to somebody like her."

"I know. But still. Did you ever think counseling must be for crazy people? Or only for girls? Or-"

"Stevie, to be honest, I'd hardly even given it a thought at all before that. And I sure wasn't judgin' you during the stuff you had going on. I wouldn't have anyway, but especially not when I could see what was happening with my own eyes. I knew you needed help that I couldn't give you, and I also knew that nothin' had affected you so bad before. Maybe some people out there don't get it 'cause they don't realize what's really going on. They don't understand. But it was right in front of me every day, and there was no way for me not to get that you were at the end of your rope."

"Yeah. I basically let you inside my head then."

"You did. So even if I had thought anything wrong about counseling, seein' you like that would've changed my mind. I couldn't have looked at somethin' that might help you and been against the idea. I wanted you to be okay, so it never could've mattered how. All that did matter is you gettin' better."

"Maybe that's it then, man. If people have some problem with counseling, it's because they don't see the whole picture. Or they're scared like I was. It felt weird to think of talking to a person I didn't know, and I didn't want to be seen as somebody who was messed up in my head. Even the first time I met Laura and saw how nice she was, it was scary for her to look at me."

"I don't think all of that was just about counseling though, buddy. Everything you were rememberin' and feelin' scared you too. Plus, you knew that if you did see Laura, you'd have to talk about that stuff. There'd be no way around it anymore."

"Right. I was just plain afraid then. And angry."

Soda watched Steve's eyes that were looking down at the booth between them, his best friend's gaze letting him know that his heart was once again following the path of reflection. "Yeah, of course you were."

"I was so sad too. And everything always felt like it hurt."

"I know. That's why the most important thing in the world to me then was for you to find what you needed. And you did."

Steve looked up as he felt himself come fully back to the present, the sights and sounds of the cafe no longer just background noise. "Aw, man. I'm sorry, Soda. So much for having my balance, huh? I must not be quite there yet."

"Don't sweat it for a second, Stevie. You know I've got no room to be upset, and besides, I want you to talk about whatever you need."

"I know, but I guess it's just frustrating for me. Because we're on this trip, and my head is- See? There I go again."

Soda reached across the table, his hand gently touching Steve's arm as he grinned. "It's all right. We left town, but we're still us. We didn't leave our heart-to-hearts in Tulsa."

"No,but having them in public doesn't seem like a wise idea."

"Nah. It probably ain't. But nobody's lookin'. They've got burgers and wings." Soda stood up from his seat, taking their leftovers and depositing them in the nearest trash can before sliding in next to Steve on the opposite side of the booth. "So, be honest with me, do you want to stay out and keep findin' stuff to do or would you rather just go back to the hotel? Either one is fine with me."

Steve let out a heavy sigh, feeling a pressure inside, even though he knew his friend's words were completely sincere. "Let's stay out for like one more hour. Is that okay?"

"Sure. Sounds perfect. See? We can enjoy bein' somewhere else and still take the time to build each other up."

"Um, not to step on your point here, man, but I'm pretty sure it's only been you building me up so far."

"Hey, don't get so damn technical on me, Stevie. Besides, you talked to me some in the car too. About Emily and all." Soda paused for a second, the conversation they'd had when he'd been driving coming back to him. "Actually, you know what?"

"What?"

"Later on tonight, if you're up for it, I'd like to talk about that a little bit more."

"Are you sure, man? I don't want you to drag yourself down if it felt like too much before."

"I'm sure. I know I said that's not what this time is for, but I changed my mind. It's for whatever we need, and I can see that you're feelin' like you're takin' too much. You ain't, by the way. But I still want to give us a chance to make things even."