Lost, Confused, Unkind (Sequel To "Freaked")
Chapter 81
Shane wasn't able to swing it with Vince to let me train in England but he was determined & 2 weeks after my plane landed he called to ask me if I knew anything about working in admin! I reluctantly accepted his offer although it wasn't exactly what I wanted, but hell it was a job with a regular pay check & I couldn't afford to refuse it!
I hated living back with my parents, they drove me crazy! Mum meant well & I know it was hard for her to adjust to having me back in the house again after I'd been away for so long but all the same some days I could have quite easily swung for her! Of course both my parents were fantastic with Jude, same goes for the rest of my family, they all doted on him, but he wasn't a happy little baby! He was unsettled, hell I'd just dragged the poor lil' guy halfway around the world so I couldn't expect any other! He belonged in Cameron, that was something I was sure of! Instead here he was growing up in a prissy little street in a London suberb in the cold, damp miserable country I'd disliked so much for most of my life! I couldn't believe I'd done it to him & I was pretty sure he'd resent me for it when he was old enough to understand!
As I said, those first few weeks were hell! I had to get used to everything all over again, the people, the accents, the money, even a simple shopping trip left me feeling drained! Everything was so much hard work & I was starting to wonder if it was all worth it!
So, I got the job in the WWE offices in London! I got myself some suits, an old clapped out Ford Fiesta & eventually, after persuading my father to lend me the money for the deposit, I got an appartment, or should I say a flat! (God even the British words for everything sounded dank & depressing!)
Over the first few months I stayed in touch with Betty & Sasha all the time! Gilbert called me at least once a week & Dwayne too (in fact I could never get Dwayne OFF the phone actually but I was greatful that he gave a damn!) Jeff called me........twice! That was it! Twice in just over 3 months & both those times niether one of us said all that much! After all, there was nothing more to be said.......thanks for the memories!
I started to go out for drinks quite often with some people from work. Just maybe once a week to begin with, that turned into 2 or 3.....Jude was left with my Mum or my sister while I went out & had what I'd convinced myself was a life! I went out & laughed along with unfunny jokes & drank with 'friends' that I didn't even like! They were all false & if I'd been honest with myself I'd have seen straight through them, but I was too busy getting wasted to even care!
One sunday we'd all gathered at my parent's house for the traditional shitty sunday lunch! I'd arrived late as was the norm, looking like shit with traces of the previous night's make up still visable on my face! Jude was there already as he'd stayed over the night before, which was also the norm, but I was having a hard time with him! I gave him a quick kiss on his head but everytime I looked at him I saw Matt & it hurt too much! I didn't admit that to myself for a long while! I was missing him growing up but I was too much of an asshole to realise it at the time!
Everyone was sitting at the table & they all looked up as I walked in. Mum scowled at me & took my plate of lunch from the oven, banging it down on the table infront of me. My sisters kids ran riot in the living room, screaming & running around like idiots! God how I hated Sundays!
"Sorry I'm late."
"Again!" Dad mumbled between mouthfuls.
I sat down & stared at the plate of food infront of me, "Y'know I'm not that hungry, will you excuse me please?" I went out into the back garden & lit a cigarette.
"You don't eat much these days!" My sister, Karen came out & stood beside me.
"I said I'm not hungry that's all!"
"Are you taking Jude back tonight?"
"I can't Karen! I'm working tomorrow!"
"What's goin' on Bec? I mean what the fuck has gotten into you lately?"
"Nothing! Jesus get off my fucking case kaggie! Don't start!" I carried on smoking my cigarette staring out across the perfectly green & perfectly square lawn!
"Are you on drugs?"
I closed my eyes & turned my face away, "What do you reckon?" I Sniggered.
"I don't know! That's why I'm asking you!"
"No I'm not on drugs Karen! Do you really think I'd be that stupid?"
"Probably!"
"Thanks! Thankyou very fucking much SIS!"
"What do you expect us to think the way you've been acting?" She hissed at me. "You're never home, you go out clubbing, roll in at God knows what time and then there's guys all the...."
"GUYS?" I squealed at her, "Ok Karen I've been with 2 guys since I got back here! Am I expected to be a fucking nun? what?" Jesus you are some piece of work ya know that?"
"Ok 2 guys.....where are they now?" I shrugged my shoulders, "Who were they anyway? Do you even know?"
"No I don't know because I'm a whore!"
"Oh for God's sake grow up Bec!"
"I did know who they were for your information! Not that it has anything to do with you the way I chose to live my life!"
"Oh it has everything to do with me when I have your kid 4 nights out of 7! I mean Jesus Bec I do have a life of my own y'know?"
"Oh yeah? What life? Bingo? The fucking social club? woooo Karen! Livin it up!"
"You need help! You went to America & came back a bitch Rebecca!" I laughed at her, "We used to be close! I just don't know what's happened to you! No one can even talk to you anymore!"
"Life happened to me my dear sister! Life!" I said sarcastically.
"You can't go on like this Bec! You've got a child!" I rolled my eyes & threw my cigarette end into a plant pot, "Listen to me!" she turned me to face her, "That baby needs his mother! Jesus this sort of behaviour is fine when you're a teenager, no ties, nothing better to spend your money on so you go out & piss it all away! But you aren't a teenager anymore Bec!" She paused, "Look at him, he has no father & now you're gonna deny him a mother aswell!"
"You fucking bitch!"
We stared at each other for a few seconds beofre I stormed into the house via the back door, grabbed my jacket & stormed out of the house via the front door!
Twice that night I picked up the phone to call Jeff and twice I dialled half of his number.......and twice I hung up! Even if I'd called him what would we have said? I missed him so much it hurt & yet I had nothing to say to him, there was no point!
Next day I arrived at my desk to a huge pile of papers & an urgent message to call Shane! All eyes were on me as I sat down so I presumed everyone had read the message! I shuffled through the pile of papers & a couple of girls wheeled their chairs over to my desk, girls that I went out with on a regular basis yet they knew nothing about me, I'd made sure of that! I looked up & smiled then continued to sort through the usual crap that always seemed to end up on my desk!
"So, how come you get a message to call Shane McMahon?"
I looked up, "Oh erm I have no idea!" I shrugged my shoulders & carried on looking through the papers. Raw ratings to post on the internet, new tallent promotional interviews.......
"Do you know why he called you then?" the other girl said.
"Um no! I guess I'll have to call him back to find out!" I smiled.
(Rosta changes, promotional t-shit ads.....)
"Do you actually know him? I mean have you ever met him?"
"OOOOH I did!" the other girl said & they both giggled. "He came into the office this one time & he was really nice! I'm talking phwoorr!" The blonde one giggled.
"Well I spoke to him on the phone once," the red headed one said, "And I just loooooove that accent! Man he sounded so sexy!" She squeaked! "So Bec, have you ever met him, I'm talking like in the flesh?" They both laughed.
"Huh?" (Stocks & shares, injury announcements...) "Oh erm no! Never met the guy!" I lied.
"Well aren't you going to call him & find out what he wants?"
"In a little whi....." There in my hands was a piece of paper with the blue & white "Smackdown" logo across the top. 'TOUR DE FORCE COMMING TO ENGLAND!' There was a memo attatched to it telling me which newspapers I needed to send the announcement to but I just turned it to the back & dropped the rest of the papers on my desk. The girls continued to talk but they were just a distant murmur as I scanned down the list of stars scheduled to appear.
CONFIRMED:
CHRIS BENOIT
KURT ANGLE & TEAM ANGLE
TORRIE WILSON
BROCK LESNAR
BILLY KIDMAN
RHYNO
HOLLYWOOD HULK HOGAN
BRIAN KENDRICK (Oh Christ!)
REY MYSTERIO
BIG SHOW
TO BE CONFIRMED:
STEPHANIE MCMAHON
SHANNON MOORE (my heart jumped!)
LOS GUERREROS
UNDERTAKER
NATHEN JONES
EDGE.
I bit on my lip & realised that I had actually been looking for his name, subconciously praying his name would be on the list, and for what reason?
"....and anyway they said she wasn't even that nice apparently!" The girls voives suddenly came back to me.
"I have to erm...pop out! Cover for me!" I stood up & raced out of the door with the piece of paper still in my hand!
Chapter 81
Shane wasn't able to swing it with Vince to let me train in England but he was determined & 2 weeks after my plane landed he called to ask me if I knew anything about working in admin! I reluctantly accepted his offer although it wasn't exactly what I wanted, but hell it was a job with a regular pay check & I couldn't afford to refuse it!
I hated living back with my parents, they drove me crazy! Mum meant well & I know it was hard for her to adjust to having me back in the house again after I'd been away for so long but all the same some days I could have quite easily swung for her! Of course both my parents were fantastic with Jude, same goes for the rest of my family, they all doted on him, but he wasn't a happy little baby! He was unsettled, hell I'd just dragged the poor lil' guy halfway around the world so I couldn't expect any other! He belonged in Cameron, that was something I was sure of! Instead here he was growing up in a prissy little street in a London suberb in the cold, damp miserable country I'd disliked so much for most of my life! I couldn't believe I'd done it to him & I was pretty sure he'd resent me for it when he was old enough to understand!
As I said, those first few weeks were hell! I had to get used to everything all over again, the people, the accents, the money, even a simple shopping trip left me feeling drained! Everything was so much hard work & I was starting to wonder if it was all worth it!
So, I got the job in the WWE offices in London! I got myself some suits, an old clapped out Ford Fiesta & eventually, after persuading my father to lend me the money for the deposit, I got an appartment, or should I say a flat! (God even the British words for everything sounded dank & depressing!)
Over the first few months I stayed in touch with Betty & Sasha all the time! Gilbert called me at least once a week & Dwayne too (in fact I could never get Dwayne OFF the phone actually but I was greatful that he gave a damn!) Jeff called me........twice! That was it! Twice in just over 3 months & both those times niether one of us said all that much! After all, there was nothing more to be said.......thanks for the memories!
I started to go out for drinks quite often with some people from work. Just maybe once a week to begin with, that turned into 2 or 3.....Jude was left with my Mum or my sister while I went out & had what I'd convinced myself was a life! I went out & laughed along with unfunny jokes & drank with 'friends' that I didn't even like! They were all false & if I'd been honest with myself I'd have seen straight through them, but I was too busy getting wasted to even care!
One sunday we'd all gathered at my parent's house for the traditional shitty sunday lunch! I'd arrived late as was the norm, looking like shit with traces of the previous night's make up still visable on my face! Jude was there already as he'd stayed over the night before, which was also the norm, but I was having a hard time with him! I gave him a quick kiss on his head but everytime I looked at him I saw Matt & it hurt too much! I didn't admit that to myself for a long while! I was missing him growing up but I was too much of an asshole to realise it at the time!
Everyone was sitting at the table & they all looked up as I walked in. Mum scowled at me & took my plate of lunch from the oven, banging it down on the table infront of me. My sisters kids ran riot in the living room, screaming & running around like idiots! God how I hated Sundays!
"Sorry I'm late."
"Again!" Dad mumbled between mouthfuls.
I sat down & stared at the plate of food infront of me, "Y'know I'm not that hungry, will you excuse me please?" I went out into the back garden & lit a cigarette.
"You don't eat much these days!" My sister, Karen came out & stood beside me.
"I said I'm not hungry that's all!"
"Are you taking Jude back tonight?"
"I can't Karen! I'm working tomorrow!"
"What's goin' on Bec? I mean what the fuck has gotten into you lately?"
"Nothing! Jesus get off my fucking case kaggie! Don't start!" I carried on smoking my cigarette staring out across the perfectly green & perfectly square lawn!
"Are you on drugs?"
I closed my eyes & turned my face away, "What do you reckon?" I Sniggered.
"I don't know! That's why I'm asking you!"
"No I'm not on drugs Karen! Do you really think I'd be that stupid?"
"Probably!"
"Thanks! Thankyou very fucking much SIS!"
"What do you expect us to think the way you've been acting?" She hissed at me. "You're never home, you go out clubbing, roll in at God knows what time and then there's guys all the...."
"GUYS?" I squealed at her, "Ok Karen I've been with 2 guys since I got back here! Am I expected to be a fucking nun? what?" Jesus you are some piece of work ya know that?"
"Ok 2 guys.....where are they now?" I shrugged my shoulders, "Who were they anyway? Do you even know?"
"No I don't know because I'm a whore!"
"Oh for God's sake grow up Bec!"
"I did know who they were for your information! Not that it has anything to do with you the way I chose to live my life!"
"Oh it has everything to do with me when I have your kid 4 nights out of 7! I mean Jesus Bec I do have a life of my own y'know?"
"Oh yeah? What life? Bingo? The fucking social club? woooo Karen! Livin it up!"
"You need help! You went to America & came back a bitch Rebecca!" I laughed at her, "We used to be close! I just don't know what's happened to you! No one can even talk to you anymore!"
"Life happened to me my dear sister! Life!" I said sarcastically.
"You can't go on like this Bec! You've got a child!" I rolled my eyes & threw my cigarette end into a plant pot, "Listen to me!" she turned me to face her, "That baby needs his mother! Jesus this sort of behaviour is fine when you're a teenager, no ties, nothing better to spend your money on so you go out & piss it all away! But you aren't a teenager anymore Bec!" She paused, "Look at him, he has no father & now you're gonna deny him a mother aswell!"
"You fucking bitch!"
We stared at each other for a few seconds beofre I stormed into the house via the back door, grabbed my jacket & stormed out of the house via the front door!
Twice that night I picked up the phone to call Jeff and twice I dialled half of his number.......and twice I hung up! Even if I'd called him what would we have said? I missed him so much it hurt & yet I had nothing to say to him, there was no point!
Next day I arrived at my desk to a huge pile of papers & an urgent message to call Shane! All eyes were on me as I sat down so I presumed everyone had read the message! I shuffled through the pile of papers & a couple of girls wheeled their chairs over to my desk, girls that I went out with on a regular basis yet they knew nothing about me, I'd made sure of that! I looked up & smiled then continued to sort through the usual crap that always seemed to end up on my desk!
"So, how come you get a message to call Shane McMahon?"
I looked up, "Oh erm I have no idea!" I shrugged my shoulders & carried on looking through the papers. Raw ratings to post on the internet, new tallent promotional interviews.......
"Do you know why he called you then?" the other girl said.
"Um no! I guess I'll have to call him back to find out!" I smiled.
(Rosta changes, promotional t-shit ads.....)
"Do you actually know him? I mean have you ever met him?"
"OOOOH I did!" the other girl said & they both giggled. "He came into the office this one time & he was really nice! I'm talking phwoorr!" The blonde one giggled.
"Well I spoke to him on the phone once," the red headed one said, "And I just loooooove that accent! Man he sounded so sexy!" She squeaked! "So Bec, have you ever met him, I'm talking like in the flesh?" They both laughed.
"Huh?" (Stocks & shares, injury announcements...) "Oh erm no! Never met the guy!" I lied.
"Well aren't you going to call him & find out what he wants?"
"In a little whi....." There in my hands was a piece of paper with the blue & white "Smackdown" logo across the top. 'TOUR DE FORCE COMMING TO ENGLAND!' There was a memo attatched to it telling me which newspapers I needed to send the announcement to but I just turned it to the back & dropped the rest of the papers on my desk. The girls continued to talk but they were just a distant murmur as I scanned down the list of stars scheduled to appear.
CONFIRMED:
CHRIS BENOIT
KURT ANGLE & TEAM ANGLE
TORRIE WILSON
BROCK LESNAR
BILLY KIDMAN
RHYNO
HOLLYWOOD HULK HOGAN
BRIAN KENDRICK (Oh Christ!)
REY MYSTERIO
BIG SHOW
TO BE CONFIRMED:
STEPHANIE MCMAHON
SHANNON MOORE (my heart jumped!)
LOS GUERREROS
UNDERTAKER
NATHEN JONES
EDGE.
I bit on my lip & realised that I had actually been looking for his name, subconciously praying his name would be on the list, and for what reason?
"....and anyway they said she wasn't even that nice apparently!" The girls voives suddenly came back to me.
"I have to erm...pop out! Cover for me!" I stood up & raced out of the door with the piece of paper still in my hand!