Lost confused, Unkind
Chapter 88
I reluctantly made an appointment to see a doctor, my intention being
to go on my own & just not show up! Go home & tell everyone that I
was fine & they had no cause for concern! But I soon learned that
Dwayne was in league with my mother & the morning of the appointment
my sister showed up on my doorstep! I had no choice but to go so I
decided I would just fill the doctor full of shit about getting
headaches…….no such luck! Karen made such a fuss in reception about
coming in with me that in the end I had to give in! I was trapped! I
had to tell him!
Half an hour later I was told I was suffering from post natal
depression & a post traumatic disorder, even though I'd lost Matt
almost 2 years ago, because I hadn't gone to counceling at the time
the doctor believed that's what it was! Now I had pills and a
psychiatrist appointment! Way cool! Not only was I a fruit loop, I
was a depressed fruit loop! Ah it never rains……!
The pills knocked me for 6 for the first few days & I spent most of
that time in bed or lounging on the sofa! One day after I'd had a nap
I dragged myself out of bed & went into the living room to hear
Dwayne on the phone.
"Yeah she sleeps a lot! The pills are knocking her out but the doc
says that will pass in a week or so!" I stood back in the doorway so
I could listen."Well yeah I think it's for the best too! Once the
pills get into her system…." Who the hell was he talking to? "He's
fine! He's over at Bec's parents house right now! I don't know how
long for, until she gets sorted out I guess!" So it wasn't my mother
or my sister! Maybe it was Shane wondering when I can start
work? "Well her appointment is tomorrow so hopefully…..yeah I know it
is dude! No that won't do any good at all! It'll just make things
worse trust me here ok? I'll look after her I promise!" I couldn't
stand it any longer! I strode into the living room.
"Who are you talking to?"
"Oh er I have to ah go…"
I grabbed the phone from his hand, "Hello? Who is this?" There was a
silence, "Hello?"
"Hi!" A voice said quietly.
I glanced up at Dwayne who gulped & stared at me! "Jeff?"
"Yeah hi!"
"Oh um hi!"
"H…how are you?"
I took a deep breath & closed my eyes, the sound of his voice after
so long made my heart race! "Well y'know….I guess um Dwayne will have
told you the most of it!"
"Oh yeah!"
Silence & I looked up at Dwayne again who was still staring at
me! "Well….I guess I'd ah better go then"
"Do you need me to come over?"
"No!" I closed my eyes again & put a hand to my forehead.
"Bec if you need me I'm there ok?" There was a lump in my throat & I
couldn't speak. "Just say the word & I'm there!" Tears welled up in
my eyes but I still couldn't speak! "I….." he sighed, "I ah…." I
quickly passed the phone to Dwayne & ran back to my room! I threw
myself on the bed & sobbed into my pillow, I couldn't handle what I
thought he was going to say, not now! The idea that I'd ran away from
probably the best thing to happen to my life all because I'd been
crazy,fucked in the head, seeing ghosts? It was killing me! I was
insane,can you imagine how it felt to realize that? It's one thing to
be crazy, but to be crazy & know you're crazy & try to control it was
a whole other emotion! Do crazy people ever get `un-crazy'? Do insane
people ever really get sane again? What if it was gonna be like this
forever? What if everytime I turned a corner Mick was there grinning
at me? And the biggest question buzzing through my fucked up mind was
if I was crazy, how the hell did Matt crash the car? The only answer
my fucked up mind could come up with broke my heart! I'd seen Mick in
the headlights, now did I scream before Matt turned the wheel or did
he turn the wheel because I'd screamed? If Mick was a figment of my
imagination then……….I'd killed Matt! I wanted to die! At the
realization of what I'd done I actually screamed `NO!" I was standing
in the middle of my room screaming & clutching at my head! I fell to
my knees sobbing as Dwayne ran into my room, knelt down infront of me
& pulled me into his arms!
"Sssh come on! Calm down!" He rocked me but I couldn't stop the
screams escaping my throat! I was shaking & tearing at my hair…….and
then I blacked out!
Chapter 88
I reluctantly made an appointment to see a doctor, my intention being
to go on my own & just not show up! Go home & tell everyone that I
was fine & they had no cause for concern! But I soon learned that
Dwayne was in league with my mother & the morning of the appointment
my sister showed up on my doorstep! I had no choice but to go so I
decided I would just fill the doctor full of shit about getting
headaches…….no such luck! Karen made such a fuss in reception about
coming in with me that in the end I had to give in! I was trapped! I
had to tell him!
Half an hour later I was told I was suffering from post natal
depression & a post traumatic disorder, even though I'd lost Matt
almost 2 years ago, because I hadn't gone to counceling at the time
the doctor believed that's what it was! Now I had pills and a
psychiatrist appointment! Way cool! Not only was I a fruit loop, I
was a depressed fruit loop! Ah it never rains……!
The pills knocked me for 6 for the first few days & I spent most of
that time in bed or lounging on the sofa! One day after I'd had a nap
I dragged myself out of bed & went into the living room to hear
Dwayne on the phone.
"Yeah she sleeps a lot! The pills are knocking her out but the doc
says that will pass in a week or so!" I stood back in the doorway so
I could listen."Well yeah I think it's for the best too! Once the
pills get into her system…." Who the hell was he talking to? "He's
fine! He's over at Bec's parents house right now! I don't know how
long for, until she gets sorted out I guess!" So it wasn't my mother
or my sister! Maybe it was Shane wondering when I can start
work? "Well her appointment is tomorrow so hopefully…..yeah I know it
is dude! No that won't do any good at all! It'll just make things
worse trust me here ok? I'll look after her I promise!" I couldn't
stand it any longer! I strode into the living room.
"Who are you talking to?"
"Oh er I have to ah go…"
I grabbed the phone from his hand, "Hello? Who is this?" There was a
silence, "Hello?"
"Hi!" A voice said quietly.
I glanced up at Dwayne who gulped & stared at me! "Jeff?"
"Yeah hi!"
"Oh um hi!"
"H…how are you?"
I took a deep breath & closed my eyes, the sound of his voice after
so long made my heart race! "Well y'know….I guess um Dwayne will have
told you the most of it!"
"Oh yeah!"
Silence & I looked up at Dwayne again who was still staring at
me! "Well….I guess I'd ah better go then"
"Do you need me to come over?"
"No!" I closed my eyes again & put a hand to my forehead.
"Bec if you need me I'm there ok?" There was a lump in my throat & I
couldn't speak. "Just say the word & I'm there!" Tears welled up in
my eyes but I still couldn't speak! "I….." he sighed, "I ah…." I
quickly passed the phone to Dwayne & ran back to my room! I threw
myself on the bed & sobbed into my pillow, I couldn't handle what I
thought he was going to say, not now! The idea that I'd ran away from
probably the best thing to happen to my life all because I'd been
crazy,fucked in the head, seeing ghosts? It was killing me! I was
insane,can you imagine how it felt to realize that? It's one thing to
be crazy, but to be crazy & know you're crazy & try to control it was
a whole other emotion! Do crazy people ever get `un-crazy'? Do insane
people ever really get sane again? What if it was gonna be like this
forever? What if everytime I turned a corner Mick was there grinning
at me? And the biggest question buzzing through my fucked up mind was
if I was crazy, how the hell did Matt crash the car? The only answer
my fucked up mind could come up with broke my heart! I'd seen Mick in
the headlights, now did I scream before Matt turned the wheel or did
he turn the wheel because I'd screamed? If Mick was a figment of my
imagination then……….I'd killed Matt! I wanted to die! At the
realization of what I'd done I actually screamed `NO!" I was standing
in the middle of my room screaming & clutching at my head! I fell to
my knees sobbing as Dwayne ran into my room, knelt down infront of me
& pulled me into his arms!
"Sssh come on! Calm down!" He rocked me but I couldn't stop the
screams escaping my throat! I was shaking & tearing at my hair…….and
then I blacked out!