Lost confused Unkind
Chapter 89
I don't remember much about the next couple of weeks. It's frightening to think that doctors can give you pills that completely erase segments of your life! For 2 entire weeks all I can remember is fragments of words or faces peering down at me & I don't know what was real & what I was imagining! I remember feeling like I wanted to sleep, my eyes wouldn't open but I liked it that way, it felt good. I dreamed about Matt, that much I know wasn't real! I kept saying sorry to him & he was confused, didn't understand why I was so upset & I couldn't explain it to him! It was so frustrating but I couldn't get any words out only tears! He held me & stroked my hair, all the time telling me not to cry, everything was going to be ok! He kissed me, God it was so real I just wanted to stay there with him! He said, "The baby's crying do you want me to look after him?" I just nodded and he took hold of my arms, "Are you sure? Do you want me to take him?"
"Yes!" I said through my tears. He smiled at me & touched my face & then as he turned to walk away he said something really weird!
"You'll see jeff's ok right?" I wrinkled my brow, not quite understanding what he meant! "He's there! You should go to him!" He smiled.
"But..." He was gone. I twirled around calling out his name, begging for him not to leave me again but he was gone. I heard Jeff's voice, felt a kiss on my cheek but I didn't want to go to him! I stayed where I was, locked inside my own mind with my dreams where it was safe.
Then one morning I opened my eyes. Just like that I was awake! I groaned as the room came into focus, I didn't want to come back I just wanted to stay asleep! I lay still as wave upon wave of dizziness washed over me. The room was spinning around & around. Where was I? White everywhere, walls, celing.......clinical......I was in hospital! I could smell it! That God awful smell that had driven a sense of nausea into my stomach ever since I'd speant time with Matt before he died. I closed my eyes as the last of the dizziness subsided. Don't let me be awake! If I stayed asleep long enough maybe I would just die like he had....or like I had done to him? Slowly my eyes fluttered open again & I felt someone squeeze my hand.
"Bec?" It was hard to turn my head, my muscles ached, but slowly I forced my head around.
"Sasha?" My voice was barely above a whisper when I spoke and my throat was dry & raw.
"Hey!" She smiled, "Where have you been? We've been..." She started crying & leaned over & took me in her arms. "Jesus Bec you had us scared to death!"
"I'm sorry!"
"Hey it doesn't matter! You're back & you're gonna be ok now!"
"Why am I here?"
"There's time enough for all of that!" She leaned over me & pressed a buzzer.
'Is......is Jeff here?"
"He was sweetheart but he had to go! He was here all week don't you remember?" I shook my head. "You opened your eyes & spoke to him!" Still I couldn't remember anything. "You told him to take Jude for a while!"
"I did?"
"Yeah........so he has! We thought it was what you wanted is it ok?"
I closed my eyes again, "Yes it is!" God I'd thought it was Matt and all the time it had been Jeff asking me about the baby!
2 or 3 nurses entered the room & started fussing over my drip & various other bits of tubing as a doctor came in & picked up my chart.
"I'm just gonna go make some calls ok? I'll only be along the hall, I have to call your mom!" She smiled, "She only left like 2 hours ago & she made me promise I call as soon as you woke up!" Sasha squeezed my hand, "I won't be long ok?" I slowly nodded then closed my eyes, I was desperate for sleep to take me away once more.
For the next couple of days I felt like I was in limbo, just floating around, not hearing & not caring! People came & went, my parents, my sister, Dwayne, Sasha as well as various cheery nurses & an assortment of doctors. None of them mattered, their words seemed to go through me as if I was transparent & I don't think I even spoke to them, not much anyway. On the 3rd day I asked for my clothes & my other belongings and got dressed. I sat for hours at the window just watching the rain drip down the pane of glass, seeing beyond it out into the gloom of another shitty meaningless day. I hated that place. I hated myself & I hated life. Why did I have to wake up anyway? To be told how insane I was? 'Sorry Bec we woke you up to show you how fucked you are! but hey take some pills, sit back & enjoy the trip! 50 years will pass in no time at all!' I sniggered to myself as I imagined the doctor's voice in my head, but what if it was true? What if I was fucked? Crazy? Insane? Would I have to take pills or stay in a nut house for the rest of my life? I'd rather be dead! God if I could turn back time, walk away from Matt in that parking lot then he'd be safe! I'd much rather have broken his heart than killed him! I traced a rain drop down the window with my fingertip, "Oh Matt if only you'd known what you were letting yourself in for?" I whispered and without realising I wiped a tear from my cheek, "If only you knew!"
"Who's Matt?" I jumped and whirled around to see a woman in her 30's standing at the door to my room sucking on a lolly pop! "He your boyfriend?" She slurped.
"Erm....well....ah....."
"I've got a boyfriend!" She jumped onto my bed & I stood up thinking 'What the fuck??' "His name is Jim & I leeerve him!" She sang out as she bounced up & down on my bed on her knees!
I rubbed my forehead, "That's....erm....that's.....very nice!" I blinked slowly hoping that when I opened my eyes again she would be gone! Just another figment of my fucked up imaginiation, but she was still there! I almost laughed out loud when I saw she had on big yellow Tellytubby slippers! 'Ok girl you are definately fucked!' I thought to myself.
"We sex each other!" she giggled.
"Excuse me?" My eyes widened.
"Yeah!" She continued to bounce on my bed, "On a night when the lights go out and everyone's asleep!"
"Oh Jesus spare me!" I looked at the celing, "Ok that's erm....very nice but ah....I don't think you should be in here!"
"I can let you have a go if you like?"
"No really I don't usually bounce on beds thankyou!"
She started cackling like a demented witch while she waved the lolly pop around in the air, "Not on the bed you stupid cow!" She laughed, "I meant on Jim!"
"WHAT?"
"Sex! Sex! Sex!" She giggled.
"WOAH!!!" Dwayne had walked in the door, "I'm sorry Bec I didn't realise youhad visitors!" he raised his eyebrows as he looked the woman up & down.
"OOOOH Are you Matt? Can I have a go?" She lept off the bed & started to twirl Dwayne around while she looked him up & down. He looked down at her slippers as he pushed her away slightly.
"Erm...no I'm actually Buzz! Buzz Lightyear pleased to meet you!" He held out his hand and she shook it! I Shrugged my shoulders & mouthed 'WHAT?' at him! I couldn't believe he was even entertaining this freak!
"OOOOHHHH!" She trumpeted as she shook his hand!
"And see that over there?" He pointed to me & she turned around and stared, "That there is the little mermaid!" He leaned his head next to hers, "Say hi to Aerial!!" he waved & so did the freak. I forced a confused smile!
"No shit?" she slurped on the lolly pop.
"Yeah for real! Ah but now see it's time for Tubby Bye byes! Off you go!" he shoved her out of the door & closed it, "Freak!"
"Get me the fuck out of here right now!" I grabbed my jacket from the top of my pile of stuff & headed for the door!
Chapter 89
I don't remember much about the next couple of weeks. It's frightening to think that doctors can give you pills that completely erase segments of your life! For 2 entire weeks all I can remember is fragments of words or faces peering down at me & I don't know what was real & what I was imagining! I remember feeling like I wanted to sleep, my eyes wouldn't open but I liked it that way, it felt good. I dreamed about Matt, that much I know wasn't real! I kept saying sorry to him & he was confused, didn't understand why I was so upset & I couldn't explain it to him! It was so frustrating but I couldn't get any words out only tears! He held me & stroked my hair, all the time telling me not to cry, everything was going to be ok! He kissed me, God it was so real I just wanted to stay there with him! He said, "The baby's crying do you want me to look after him?" I just nodded and he took hold of my arms, "Are you sure? Do you want me to take him?"
"Yes!" I said through my tears. He smiled at me & touched my face & then as he turned to walk away he said something really weird!
"You'll see jeff's ok right?" I wrinkled my brow, not quite understanding what he meant! "He's there! You should go to him!" He smiled.
"But..." He was gone. I twirled around calling out his name, begging for him not to leave me again but he was gone. I heard Jeff's voice, felt a kiss on my cheek but I didn't want to go to him! I stayed where I was, locked inside my own mind with my dreams where it was safe.
Then one morning I opened my eyes. Just like that I was awake! I groaned as the room came into focus, I didn't want to come back I just wanted to stay asleep! I lay still as wave upon wave of dizziness washed over me. The room was spinning around & around. Where was I? White everywhere, walls, celing.......clinical......I was in hospital! I could smell it! That God awful smell that had driven a sense of nausea into my stomach ever since I'd speant time with Matt before he died. I closed my eyes as the last of the dizziness subsided. Don't let me be awake! If I stayed asleep long enough maybe I would just die like he had....or like I had done to him? Slowly my eyes fluttered open again & I felt someone squeeze my hand.
"Bec?" It was hard to turn my head, my muscles ached, but slowly I forced my head around.
"Sasha?" My voice was barely above a whisper when I spoke and my throat was dry & raw.
"Hey!" She smiled, "Where have you been? We've been..." She started crying & leaned over & took me in her arms. "Jesus Bec you had us scared to death!"
"I'm sorry!"
"Hey it doesn't matter! You're back & you're gonna be ok now!"
"Why am I here?"
"There's time enough for all of that!" She leaned over me & pressed a buzzer.
'Is......is Jeff here?"
"He was sweetheart but he had to go! He was here all week don't you remember?" I shook my head. "You opened your eyes & spoke to him!" Still I couldn't remember anything. "You told him to take Jude for a while!"
"I did?"
"Yeah........so he has! We thought it was what you wanted is it ok?"
I closed my eyes again, "Yes it is!" God I'd thought it was Matt and all the time it had been Jeff asking me about the baby!
2 or 3 nurses entered the room & started fussing over my drip & various other bits of tubing as a doctor came in & picked up my chart.
"I'm just gonna go make some calls ok? I'll only be along the hall, I have to call your mom!" She smiled, "She only left like 2 hours ago & she made me promise I call as soon as you woke up!" Sasha squeezed my hand, "I won't be long ok?" I slowly nodded then closed my eyes, I was desperate for sleep to take me away once more.
For the next couple of days I felt like I was in limbo, just floating around, not hearing & not caring! People came & went, my parents, my sister, Dwayne, Sasha as well as various cheery nurses & an assortment of doctors. None of them mattered, their words seemed to go through me as if I was transparent & I don't think I even spoke to them, not much anyway. On the 3rd day I asked for my clothes & my other belongings and got dressed. I sat for hours at the window just watching the rain drip down the pane of glass, seeing beyond it out into the gloom of another shitty meaningless day. I hated that place. I hated myself & I hated life. Why did I have to wake up anyway? To be told how insane I was? 'Sorry Bec we woke you up to show you how fucked you are! but hey take some pills, sit back & enjoy the trip! 50 years will pass in no time at all!' I sniggered to myself as I imagined the doctor's voice in my head, but what if it was true? What if I was fucked? Crazy? Insane? Would I have to take pills or stay in a nut house for the rest of my life? I'd rather be dead! God if I could turn back time, walk away from Matt in that parking lot then he'd be safe! I'd much rather have broken his heart than killed him! I traced a rain drop down the window with my fingertip, "Oh Matt if only you'd known what you were letting yourself in for?" I whispered and without realising I wiped a tear from my cheek, "If only you knew!"
"Who's Matt?" I jumped and whirled around to see a woman in her 30's standing at the door to my room sucking on a lolly pop! "He your boyfriend?" She slurped.
"Erm....well....ah....."
"I've got a boyfriend!" She jumped onto my bed & I stood up thinking 'What the fuck??' "His name is Jim & I leeerve him!" She sang out as she bounced up & down on my bed on her knees!
I rubbed my forehead, "That's....erm....that's.....very nice!" I blinked slowly hoping that when I opened my eyes again she would be gone! Just another figment of my fucked up imaginiation, but she was still there! I almost laughed out loud when I saw she had on big yellow Tellytubby slippers! 'Ok girl you are definately fucked!' I thought to myself.
"We sex each other!" she giggled.
"Excuse me?" My eyes widened.
"Yeah!" She continued to bounce on my bed, "On a night when the lights go out and everyone's asleep!"
"Oh Jesus spare me!" I looked at the celing, "Ok that's erm....very nice but ah....I don't think you should be in here!"
"I can let you have a go if you like?"
"No really I don't usually bounce on beds thankyou!"
She started cackling like a demented witch while she waved the lolly pop around in the air, "Not on the bed you stupid cow!" She laughed, "I meant on Jim!"
"WHAT?"
"Sex! Sex! Sex!" She giggled.
"WOAH!!!" Dwayne had walked in the door, "I'm sorry Bec I didn't realise youhad visitors!" he raised his eyebrows as he looked the woman up & down.
"OOOOH Are you Matt? Can I have a go?" She lept off the bed & started to twirl Dwayne around while she looked him up & down. He looked down at her slippers as he pushed her away slightly.
"Erm...no I'm actually Buzz! Buzz Lightyear pleased to meet you!" He held out his hand and she shook it! I Shrugged my shoulders & mouthed 'WHAT?' at him! I couldn't believe he was even entertaining this freak!
"OOOOHHHH!" She trumpeted as she shook his hand!
"And see that over there?" He pointed to me & she turned around and stared, "That there is the little mermaid!" He leaned his head next to hers, "Say hi to Aerial!!" he waved & so did the freak. I forced a confused smile!
"No shit?" she slurped on the lolly pop.
"Yeah for real! Ah but now see it's time for Tubby Bye byes! Off you go!" he shoved her out of the door & closed it, "Freak!"
"Get me the fuck out of here right now!" I grabbed my jacket from the top of my pile of stuff & headed for the door!