Lost, Confused, Unkind
Chapter 90
"It's raining!" Dwayne said as we got to the door.
"I don't care! Crazy people like to go out & dance in the rain now are you comming or not?" I pulled my collar up to my chin & pushed open the door. The cold air hit me & I stood taking deep breaths as the rain dripped onto my face. I fumbled in my pockets & eventually found a packet with 2 cigarettes in and a lighter.
"They're bad for your health!" Dwayne said as I lit one up.
"Hey could be worse! I could be sucking lolly pops & wanting to have a go on you!"
"Explain to me how that is worse?" Dwayne raised his eyebrows.
"Let's just walk!"
We wandered around the gardens until we found a small wooden shelter with a bench & we stepped inside.
"Jesus!" Dwayne shivered & wiped the rain from his face. I sat on the bench taking one last draw on my soggy cigarette before throwing it out into the flower bed.
"Why am I in the mental ward? Am I as fucked in the head as Tinky fucking winky in there?"
Dwayne sat down beside me and put his arm around my shoulders, "You're not crazy!"
"Well I'm not going back in there!"
"Hey now! Come on you have to go back in! Just let the doctors do what they have to do then you can come home ok?"
I laughed, "And what if they don't like what they find? What if I can't come home?"
"You think I'm gonna leave you in that place?" He squeezed me to him, "They will let you come home, you can't think like that!"
"What if...." I sighed, "Dwayne I think I killed Matt!" Tears welled up in my eyes.
"What? Bec Jesus! it was an accident!"
I stood up and leaned on the entrance to the hut, "No.....I thought I saw Mick & I screamed! Matt turned the wheel and..." I bit on my thumbnail & I felt Dwayne's arms around me, "It's true Dwayne!" I turned around and burried my head into his chest, choking back my tears.
"No it was an accident ok? It wasn't your fault!" he stroked my hair, "Why didn't you talk to me babe?" He whispered & I shrugged my shoulders, "I'm so sorry!"
I looked up, "Why are you sorry?"
"Because....." he looked up at the rotting celing and sighed, "....I told you it was all gonna be ok! I let you down & I'm sorry!" He squeezed me.
"None of this is your fault!"
"Yeah see I know you Bec & I knew there was something wrong but I just thought I could fix it y'know? I never meant for this to happen, for you to end up in hospital!"
"You mean you didn't realise just how completely insane I was!?"
"Yeah!" he smiled, "I didn't realise you were crazier than a pet coon!" He winked & I nudged him.
"I'm scared D! I'm so fucking scared!"
"Hey come on!" He tucked my hair behind my ear.
"what if it never goes away? What if it gets worse & I end up wandering the halls of the local loony bin wearing a diaper & sucking lolly pops?"
"I'll come visit!"
"I'm serious!"
"So am I! But I ain't changing no diaper though! You're on your own there!" he laughed & I smiled & shook my head.
"Don't let me get like that freak in there!" I whispered & he stroked my cheek, "I'd rather be dead!"
He pulled me to him & kissed the top of my head as he rocked me in his arms. I burried my face in his wet jacket & cried. We stayed like that in silence for what seemed like hours, even after my tears stopped we just held each other as I listened to the rain splash onto the roof.
"I guess we should go back in before my mum gets to my room & thinks I've croaked it because I'm not there!"
"Nah! We can just stay here!" Dwayne said over my shoulder, "Call for supplies & live in this hut!"
"You're crazier than I am! Maybe they'll let you share my room!" I smiled. Still he held onto me & I was glad! I could've stayed there all day!
"I guess you're right though!" he squeezed me, "we should go back in before they send out a search party!" he let go & took a step back. "Bec?" we looked into each others eyes, "I'm here ok?" he rubbed my arms, "I'm always gonna be here for you!"
I smiled, "Thankyou! It means a lot to me!" We looked at each other for a few seconds more & then he seemed to snap back to reality as if his mind had been elsewhere!
"Right! Ah....let's go then!" he smiled & put his arm around my shoulders. I smoked the last cigarette from the packet as we walked back to the building in the pouring rain.
While we walked I tried to remember at what point our friendship had turned to this? Total trust & understanding, I would put my life in this guys hands without hesitation & I would like to think he felt the same way about me! I recalled the first time I saw him when he'd come into the locker room & Matt had laughed that I got so excited about it! Then when I'd gotten him on tape for Jake & he'd given me the shirt! The next time was when he'd turned The Rock lose on me & I'd laughed until my sides ached! I think it was just always this way with me & Dwayne right from day one there was some sort of connection between us! I couldn't recall one single stand-alone moment when I suddenly thought 'Hey I love this guy!' Because that's what it was, love! I smiled as I looked up at him with rain dripping down his cheeks!
"What are you smiling about?"
"Oh just you!"
"Me?" we stopped walking.
"Yeah you!"
He looked at me suspiciously, "OK what did I do?"
"Nothin'!" I wiped his cheek, "I was just thinking about when we first met!"
"Ah that day at the arena?"
"You remember?"
"Hell yeah!" he smiled, "You with your little camcorder....oh yeah not to mention Copeland!"
I laughed, "Yeah, how little we knew huh?" I took hold of his hand, "Do you realise how much has completely changed since then?" He squeezed my hand and nodded. "I mean nothing is the same as the day I walked into that arena..." I paused, "Except for one thing! One single thing has stayed the same while everything else has turned to shit!"
"And whats that?"
"You!" I smiled.
'Well apart from a divorce..."
"No no I mean to me! In my eyes, in my life you're still the same! The one constant among all the chaos! I only just figured it out!" He wiped the rain from his face with his free hand & nodded. "Thankyou!" I reached up on tip toes & kissed his cheek.
"For what?"
"For being....ah....my Rock?" I looked at him sheepishly & he rolled his eyes.
"Come here!" he laughed & hugged me tightly as the rain started to fall harder. "I hope I can always be your rock!" he whispered over my shoulder.
'So do I!" I squeezed him.
He grabbed my hands from around his back & started twirling me around & I squealed! "What are you doing?"
"You said crazy people dance in the rain!" He pulled me to him & began waltzing me around the garden!
"Dwayne stop it of they'll never let me out of here!" I giggled.
"Yeah yeah!" he stopped, "come on Aerial before your tail fins atart to appear!"
"You're fucking crazier than me ya know that?"
He gave me the 'People's eyebrow' & then dragged me by the hand back into the hospital!
Chapter 90
"It's raining!" Dwayne said as we got to the door.
"I don't care! Crazy people like to go out & dance in the rain now are you comming or not?" I pulled my collar up to my chin & pushed open the door. The cold air hit me & I stood taking deep breaths as the rain dripped onto my face. I fumbled in my pockets & eventually found a packet with 2 cigarettes in and a lighter.
"They're bad for your health!" Dwayne said as I lit one up.
"Hey could be worse! I could be sucking lolly pops & wanting to have a go on you!"
"Explain to me how that is worse?" Dwayne raised his eyebrows.
"Let's just walk!"
We wandered around the gardens until we found a small wooden shelter with a bench & we stepped inside.
"Jesus!" Dwayne shivered & wiped the rain from his face. I sat on the bench taking one last draw on my soggy cigarette before throwing it out into the flower bed.
"Why am I in the mental ward? Am I as fucked in the head as Tinky fucking winky in there?"
Dwayne sat down beside me and put his arm around my shoulders, "You're not crazy!"
"Well I'm not going back in there!"
"Hey now! Come on you have to go back in! Just let the doctors do what they have to do then you can come home ok?"
I laughed, "And what if they don't like what they find? What if I can't come home?"
"You think I'm gonna leave you in that place?" He squeezed me to him, "They will let you come home, you can't think like that!"
"What if...." I sighed, "Dwayne I think I killed Matt!" Tears welled up in my eyes.
"What? Bec Jesus! it was an accident!"
I stood up and leaned on the entrance to the hut, "No.....I thought I saw Mick & I screamed! Matt turned the wheel and..." I bit on my thumbnail & I felt Dwayne's arms around me, "It's true Dwayne!" I turned around and burried my head into his chest, choking back my tears.
"No it was an accident ok? It wasn't your fault!" he stroked my hair, "Why didn't you talk to me babe?" He whispered & I shrugged my shoulders, "I'm so sorry!"
I looked up, "Why are you sorry?"
"Because....." he looked up at the rotting celing and sighed, "....I told you it was all gonna be ok! I let you down & I'm sorry!" He squeezed me.
"None of this is your fault!"
"Yeah see I know you Bec & I knew there was something wrong but I just thought I could fix it y'know? I never meant for this to happen, for you to end up in hospital!"
"You mean you didn't realise just how completely insane I was!?"
"Yeah!" he smiled, "I didn't realise you were crazier than a pet coon!" He winked & I nudged him.
"I'm scared D! I'm so fucking scared!"
"Hey come on!" He tucked my hair behind my ear.
"what if it never goes away? What if it gets worse & I end up wandering the halls of the local loony bin wearing a diaper & sucking lolly pops?"
"I'll come visit!"
"I'm serious!"
"So am I! But I ain't changing no diaper though! You're on your own there!" he laughed & I smiled & shook my head.
"Don't let me get like that freak in there!" I whispered & he stroked my cheek, "I'd rather be dead!"
He pulled me to him & kissed the top of my head as he rocked me in his arms. I burried my face in his wet jacket & cried. We stayed like that in silence for what seemed like hours, even after my tears stopped we just held each other as I listened to the rain splash onto the roof.
"I guess we should go back in before my mum gets to my room & thinks I've croaked it because I'm not there!"
"Nah! We can just stay here!" Dwayne said over my shoulder, "Call for supplies & live in this hut!"
"You're crazier than I am! Maybe they'll let you share my room!" I smiled. Still he held onto me & I was glad! I could've stayed there all day!
"I guess you're right though!" he squeezed me, "we should go back in before they send out a search party!" he let go & took a step back. "Bec?" we looked into each others eyes, "I'm here ok?" he rubbed my arms, "I'm always gonna be here for you!"
I smiled, "Thankyou! It means a lot to me!" We looked at each other for a few seconds more & then he seemed to snap back to reality as if his mind had been elsewhere!
"Right! Ah....let's go then!" he smiled & put his arm around my shoulders. I smoked the last cigarette from the packet as we walked back to the building in the pouring rain.
While we walked I tried to remember at what point our friendship had turned to this? Total trust & understanding, I would put my life in this guys hands without hesitation & I would like to think he felt the same way about me! I recalled the first time I saw him when he'd come into the locker room & Matt had laughed that I got so excited about it! Then when I'd gotten him on tape for Jake & he'd given me the shirt! The next time was when he'd turned The Rock lose on me & I'd laughed until my sides ached! I think it was just always this way with me & Dwayne right from day one there was some sort of connection between us! I couldn't recall one single stand-alone moment when I suddenly thought 'Hey I love this guy!' Because that's what it was, love! I smiled as I looked up at him with rain dripping down his cheeks!
"What are you smiling about?"
"Oh just you!"
"Me?" we stopped walking.
"Yeah you!"
He looked at me suspiciously, "OK what did I do?"
"Nothin'!" I wiped his cheek, "I was just thinking about when we first met!"
"Ah that day at the arena?"
"You remember?"
"Hell yeah!" he smiled, "You with your little camcorder....oh yeah not to mention Copeland!"
I laughed, "Yeah, how little we knew huh?" I took hold of his hand, "Do you realise how much has completely changed since then?" He squeezed my hand and nodded. "I mean nothing is the same as the day I walked into that arena..." I paused, "Except for one thing! One single thing has stayed the same while everything else has turned to shit!"
"And whats that?"
"You!" I smiled.
'Well apart from a divorce..."
"No no I mean to me! In my eyes, in my life you're still the same! The one constant among all the chaos! I only just figured it out!" He wiped the rain from his face with his free hand & nodded. "Thankyou!" I reached up on tip toes & kissed his cheek.
"For what?"
"For being....ah....my Rock?" I looked at him sheepishly & he rolled his eyes.
"Come here!" he laughed & hugged me tightly as the rain started to fall harder. "I hope I can always be your rock!" he whispered over my shoulder.
'So do I!" I squeezed him.
He grabbed my hands from around his back & started twirling me around & I squealed! "What are you doing?"
"You said crazy people dance in the rain!" He pulled me to him & began waltzing me around the garden!
"Dwayne stop it of they'll never let me out of here!" I giggled.
"Yeah yeah!" he stopped, "come on Aerial before your tail fins atart to appear!"
"You're fucking crazier than me ya know that?"
He gave me the 'People's eyebrow' & then dragged me by the hand back into the hospital!