Lost,Confused, Unkind
Chapter 99
I wasn't feeling the love I'd felt for him when I'd left cameron. I felt something as I stood there in his arms but I don't know whether the love I'd once felt had gone or perhaps I just wasn't allowing myself to feel it right then! Whatever the case it saddened me that the 'spark' was no longer there. The shivers down my spine when he touched me, the goosebumps I'd felt when his lips brushed my cheek, all of it lost & I wasn't sure that I could get it back or even if I wanted to! Love made people weak & dependant on others & that was one thing I could do without at that point in my life! If I was ever going to get back to 'normal' I needed to try & depend on myself before sharing my life with anyone else. Still, as much as I felt relieved, it hurt me to think that I didn't love Jeff any more! I suppose I just assumed it would always be there, something that I took for granted & I wondered if maybe Jeff could feel it too? It would make my life so much easier if he no longer loved me that was for sure!
He didn't let go of me for a long time! All kinds of thoughts rushed through my head, most of them not making any sense to me & I felt so confused! When he eventually let me go we looked into each others eyes & I knew right then that he had felt it too, that feeling of loss & confusion! I could tell by the look on his face only he looked a hell of a lot more hurt by it than I was!
I swallowed and cleared my throat. "I'd better....erm.......go then!"
"Yeah." He whispered & looked down at his feet. "I'll ah....follow you in a little while...I just..."
"Ok!" I nodded & left him, I needed to be alone & I had a feeling he did too.
Once inside I found an empty locker room & sat down on one of the benches & leaned my back against the wall. Why must my life be so complicated? Nothing had gone right for me since the day I arrived in Cameron! I felt alone, isolated in my misery & I thought maybe the world would be a better place if I just disappeared! Why did Matt have to die anyway? Things would have worked out, he loved me, he told me he loved me & we would've been married by now! I would have been living a normal life in Cameron with Matt, the love of my life! It suddenly hit me what the problem was! All this time I'd used Mick as an excuse, trying to block out the full & final fact that Matt was THE love of my life!I would never get over losing him, he was the ONE the 'Mr Right'! The perfect love that everyone dreams of, my one & only & what did I go & do? Kill him! I let out a laugh that sounded hollow in the silence of the empty room! The P.A. system crackled and the speaker in the top corner of the room began spouting out how it was half an hour to showtime follwed by the unmistakeable vocals of Steven Tyler as Aerosmith's 'Jainie's Got A Gun' started. I stared up at the speaker.
"Run away! Run away from the pain!"
"Yeah Steve! Great idea but I have no where to run to!" I muttered to myself.
"Run away! Run away from the pain yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah!"
"Oh shut up!" I yelled at Steven Tyler & put my hands to my ears! It was then that the smell hit me, burning the back of my throat, swirling around my head as if it was alive! I froze & closed my eyes tightly, "Go away! Go away!" I whispered, but still the Tommy was thick in the air, threatening to choke me. "You're not real!" Tears started to roll down my cheeks & my lip trembled, "Go away! Go away! Go away!"
Chapter 99
I wasn't feeling the love I'd felt for him when I'd left cameron. I felt something as I stood there in his arms but I don't know whether the love I'd once felt had gone or perhaps I just wasn't allowing myself to feel it right then! Whatever the case it saddened me that the 'spark' was no longer there. The shivers down my spine when he touched me, the goosebumps I'd felt when his lips brushed my cheek, all of it lost & I wasn't sure that I could get it back or even if I wanted to! Love made people weak & dependant on others & that was one thing I could do without at that point in my life! If I was ever going to get back to 'normal' I needed to try & depend on myself before sharing my life with anyone else. Still, as much as I felt relieved, it hurt me to think that I didn't love Jeff any more! I suppose I just assumed it would always be there, something that I took for granted & I wondered if maybe Jeff could feel it too? It would make my life so much easier if he no longer loved me that was for sure!
He didn't let go of me for a long time! All kinds of thoughts rushed through my head, most of them not making any sense to me & I felt so confused! When he eventually let me go we looked into each others eyes & I knew right then that he had felt it too, that feeling of loss & confusion! I could tell by the look on his face only he looked a hell of a lot more hurt by it than I was!
I swallowed and cleared my throat. "I'd better....erm.......go then!"
"Yeah." He whispered & looked down at his feet. "I'll ah....follow you in a little while...I just..."
"Ok!" I nodded & left him, I needed to be alone & I had a feeling he did too.
Once inside I found an empty locker room & sat down on one of the benches & leaned my back against the wall. Why must my life be so complicated? Nothing had gone right for me since the day I arrived in Cameron! I felt alone, isolated in my misery & I thought maybe the world would be a better place if I just disappeared! Why did Matt have to die anyway? Things would have worked out, he loved me, he told me he loved me & we would've been married by now! I would have been living a normal life in Cameron with Matt, the love of my life! It suddenly hit me what the problem was! All this time I'd used Mick as an excuse, trying to block out the full & final fact that Matt was THE love of my life!I would never get over losing him, he was the ONE the 'Mr Right'! The perfect love that everyone dreams of, my one & only & what did I go & do? Kill him! I let out a laugh that sounded hollow in the silence of the empty room! The P.A. system crackled and the speaker in the top corner of the room began spouting out how it was half an hour to showtime follwed by the unmistakeable vocals of Steven Tyler as Aerosmith's 'Jainie's Got A Gun' started. I stared up at the speaker.
"Run away! Run away from the pain!"
"Yeah Steve! Great idea but I have no where to run to!" I muttered to myself.
"Run away! Run away from the pain yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah!"
"Oh shut up!" I yelled at Steven Tyler & put my hands to my ears! It was then that the smell hit me, burning the back of my throat, swirling around my head as if it was alive! I froze & closed my eyes tightly, "Go away! Go away!" I whispered, but still the Tommy was thick in the air, threatening to choke me. "You're not real!" Tears started to roll down my cheeks & my lip trembled, "Go away! Go away! Go away!"