Lost Confused Unkind
Chapter 102
We sat in silence for a while listening to the loud beat of the music and the roar of the crowd from inside. If I was honest with myself I still did want to be in love with Jeff! I mean how perfect would it have been if I could have just fallen in love with him? My life would have been so much easier!
"Jeff?" I touched his arm, "Be honest with me......you don't feel the same either do you?" He let out a laugh & looked up at the sky.
"I don't know anymore! That's the God's honest truth! Yesterday I knew I was in love with you....I was so sure of it!"
"And toady?"
He shook his head, "I don't know!" I nodded slowly & he turned & looked me in the eye, "We can get it back Bec I know we can!"
"I don't know that I want it back!" As soon as the words were out of my mouth I was wishing I'd never said them! He looked like I'd just slapped him in the face! "Look Matt was..." I sighed, "Matt was my 'one' can you understand that?" He looked away & I turned his face towards mine again, "He was the love of my life Jeff and well I don't know if anyone can ever match up to that of even if I want anyone to! Can you just tell me you understand what I'm trying to say?"
"Yeah." He said quietly.
"I'll never get over him and right now I don't want to! I just..." I looked at the sky trying to hold back my tears, "I'd give anything to have him back & I feel so angry! I was cheated y'know? He loved me & it was the best feeling in the world and then it was just like someone thought 'Hang on Rebecca is way too happy down there! Let's pull the rug out from under her before she gets to live the happy ever after!' I could scream Jeff! It's so fucking unfair!" I tried so hard not to cry but I couldn't help it! "And Jude didn't deserve to have me for a mother!"
"Hey now come on you are a good mother!"
"HA! Jeff you have no fucking idea!" I wiped my face on my sleeve, "He doesn't even know me for God's sake! Jesus every time I look at that little boy I see Matt & it hurts Jeff! It fucking hurts so much!" He took me in his arms, "I can't even be a mother to him! I just can't do it it's too hard! I want Matt back! I miss him so much!"
"Shhh! So do I!" He whispered as he stroked my back, "It's gonna be ok!" He held me at arms length, "I'll see that Jude's ok until you're ready ok?"
"Oh Jeff!" I threw my arms around his neck & Sobbed, "I'm sorry! I'm so fucking sorry!"
I sobbed into his shoulder & couldn't seem to stop for over 10minutes. when I eventually calmed down a little he brushed the hair from my face. "God I'm sorry!" I sniffed, " I must look ridiculous!" I wiped my face with the sleeve of my shirt & took a deep breath.
"No you don't! It's ok! You don't need to keep appologising!"
"I just feel like I need to take a step back from everything y'know? Just for a little while! Get my head straight and just fucking sort myself out!"
"I know! That's understandable! You've had a lot to deal with!" He touched my cheek & smiled at me, "Take as long as you need, weeks, months, years!" He smiled again, "I'll look after Jude!" I swallowed hard as a lump grew in my throat & I tried not to burst into tears again! I kissed his cheek softly & he closed his eyes for a second. "It'll be ok in the end! You'll see!"
"Yeah!" I smiffed again, "I'm sure it will!"
"Y'know the funny thing is I kinda love that Jude looks like Matt!" He laughed, "He's like a mini Matt!" I bit on my lip, "You'll love it too someday! Trust me!"
"I'm moving to Miami with Dwayne!" I blurted out trying to change the subject.
"Oh. Right!" he nodded, "Ok that's um....cool then...I guess!"
"Yeah I think it'll do me good! I fucking hate this place!" I sighed, "So, at least I'll be in the same country as my son!" I laughed sarcastically.
"But ah you & Dwayne aren't ah.."
"God no!" I laughed & sniffed, wiping my face, "He's just my friend that's all!" Jeff nodded, "I'm sorry it all turned out this way!"
"Don't be sorry!" He smiled, "I don't hear no fat lady singing do you?"
I smiled, "No!"
"Well then.....lets just see what life throws us ok?"
"I'd be happy if life just stopped throwing things at me!" I smiled, "Just for a little while I'd like a quiet uneventful couple of weeks!"
Jeff nodded, "Yup! I hope that's just what you get! You need it!" He patted my leg, "so....what was the deal with Copeland back there?"
I sighed, "No deal! Just al ittle hiccup that I sorted out before it even began!" He raised his eyebrows, "Come on Jeff I'd never do that to Sasha and you know it! I Don't even think Adam would either to be honest!" I laughed, "I think maybe he took too many 'stupidity' pills this morning!"
"Yeah!" Jeff laughed, "That or the dude's been popping Viagra!"
We both laughed! It was nice to sit there & laugh with him again, at least we had that much left of our relationship! I think Jeff had the same thought as me because he turned and smiled before putting his arms around me again!
Chapter 102
We sat in silence for a while listening to the loud beat of the music and the roar of the crowd from inside. If I was honest with myself I still did want to be in love with Jeff! I mean how perfect would it have been if I could have just fallen in love with him? My life would have been so much easier!
"Jeff?" I touched his arm, "Be honest with me......you don't feel the same either do you?" He let out a laugh & looked up at the sky.
"I don't know anymore! That's the God's honest truth! Yesterday I knew I was in love with you....I was so sure of it!"
"And toady?"
He shook his head, "I don't know!" I nodded slowly & he turned & looked me in the eye, "We can get it back Bec I know we can!"
"I don't know that I want it back!" As soon as the words were out of my mouth I was wishing I'd never said them! He looked like I'd just slapped him in the face! "Look Matt was..." I sighed, "Matt was my 'one' can you understand that?" He looked away & I turned his face towards mine again, "He was the love of my life Jeff and well I don't know if anyone can ever match up to that of even if I want anyone to! Can you just tell me you understand what I'm trying to say?"
"Yeah." He said quietly.
"I'll never get over him and right now I don't want to! I just..." I looked at the sky trying to hold back my tears, "I'd give anything to have him back & I feel so angry! I was cheated y'know? He loved me & it was the best feeling in the world and then it was just like someone thought 'Hang on Rebecca is way too happy down there! Let's pull the rug out from under her before she gets to live the happy ever after!' I could scream Jeff! It's so fucking unfair!" I tried so hard not to cry but I couldn't help it! "And Jude didn't deserve to have me for a mother!"
"Hey now come on you are a good mother!"
"HA! Jeff you have no fucking idea!" I wiped my face on my sleeve, "He doesn't even know me for God's sake! Jesus every time I look at that little boy I see Matt & it hurts Jeff! It fucking hurts so much!" He took me in his arms, "I can't even be a mother to him! I just can't do it it's too hard! I want Matt back! I miss him so much!"
"Shhh! So do I!" He whispered as he stroked my back, "It's gonna be ok!" He held me at arms length, "I'll see that Jude's ok until you're ready ok?"
"Oh Jeff!" I threw my arms around his neck & Sobbed, "I'm sorry! I'm so fucking sorry!"
I sobbed into his shoulder & couldn't seem to stop for over 10minutes. when I eventually calmed down a little he brushed the hair from my face. "God I'm sorry!" I sniffed, " I must look ridiculous!" I wiped my face with the sleeve of my shirt & took a deep breath.
"No you don't! It's ok! You don't need to keep appologising!"
"I just feel like I need to take a step back from everything y'know? Just for a little while! Get my head straight and just fucking sort myself out!"
"I know! That's understandable! You've had a lot to deal with!" He touched my cheek & smiled at me, "Take as long as you need, weeks, months, years!" He smiled again, "I'll look after Jude!" I swallowed hard as a lump grew in my throat & I tried not to burst into tears again! I kissed his cheek softly & he closed his eyes for a second. "It'll be ok in the end! You'll see!"
"Yeah!" I smiffed again, "I'm sure it will!"
"Y'know the funny thing is I kinda love that Jude looks like Matt!" He laughed, "He's like a mini Matt!" I bit on my lip, "You'll love it too someday! Trust me!"
"I'm moving to Miami with Dwayne!" I blurted out trying to change the subject.
"Oh. Right!" he nodded, "Ok that's um....cool then...I guess!"
"Yeah I think it'll do me good! I fucking hate this place!" I sighed, "So, at least I'll be in the same country as my son!" I laughed sarcastically.
"But ah you & Dwayne aren't ah.."
"God no!" I laughed & sniffed, wiping my face, "He's just my friend that's all!" Jeff nodded, "I'm sorry it all turned out this way!"
"Don't be sorry!" He smiled, "I don't hear no fat lady singing do you?"
I smiled, "No!"
"Well then.....lets just see what life throws us ok?"
"I'd be happy if life just stopped throwing things at me!" I smiled, "Just for a little while I'd like a quiet uneventful couple of weeks!"
Jeff nodded, "Yup! I hope that's just what you get! You need it!" He patted my leg, "so....what was the deal with Copeland back there?"
I sighed, "No deal! Just al ittle hiccup that I sorted out before it even began!" He raised his eyebrows, "Come on Jeff I'd never do that to Sasha and you know it! I Don't even think Adam would either to be honest!" I laughed, "I think maybe he took too many 'stupidity' pills this morning!"
"Yeah!" Jeff laughed, "That or the dude's been popping Viagra!"
We both laughed! It was nice to sit there & laugh with him again, at least we had that much left of our relationship! I think Jeff had the same thought as me because he turned and smiled before putting his arms around me again!